How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[Doolhof]

Hi Pamela,

Thanks. I appreciate your kind words and thoughts.

Best wishes to you from Dools

[Guest_1055]

I am sorry you have experienced all this again Mrs D. Just want to give you a hug or something.

Sometimes we cannot pick ourselves up when the sadness, grief, shattered soul, confusion and pain is too much to endure. So many times I find myself there.

I can only cry out to our heavenly Father. "Please pick me up and help me to stand" And " I hurt so much, it feels like my heart has broken" " I can't take this anymore" and sometimes I will cry out to Him saying " Please Help".

I am hearing your heart Mrs D and want to relieve you of all the anguish that you feel. So you would not experience it all. Not sure if I can. But I know that God can, if we are open to him and seek Him.

Sometimes I will lay quite and listen to the Psalms being read. You can find them read aloud on Ytube

Not sure what else to say. Only that I care about you and hate the thought of you hurting there.

[Doolhof]

Thanks Shelley,

Problem is my messed up head is telling me God is not around right now.

I'm not functioning all that well.

Not making wise choices.

I have to work today.

I really appreciated your caring words, will read them again later.

Cheers from Dools

[Guest_1055]

Gentle hug

[topsy_]

Thinking of you & hoping your pain eases soon. Take care. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself with the same loving care that you would your closest ones. - T.

[Doolhof]

Thanks topsy,

I have very little energy or enthusiasm for anything at present. I know in time this will improve. I'm just so darn tired right now and exhausted.

I would like to go somewhere where people can look after me for a while, even a couple of days would be nice.

The hospital systems are over loaded, we don't have private cover and I don't where else to go for help.

I've called support services. My family and friends think I should be over this by now.

Wish it was easier to accept and move through this overwhelming depression.

Cheers all from Dools

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Dool,

Was thinking about you when I thought about journaling. Sorry to hear that you're struggling today, and also to hear that your family and friends had a different expectations of you regarding your PTSD and depression...

If it's worth something, I thought I'd share a random thought with you when I read your sentence saying "I would like to go somewhere where people can look after me for awhile, even a couple of days would be nice". In my head, I immediately thought "Dools could use a holiday retreat at a 5 star resort or something". And my head just filled with thoughts about how there's like masseuses, spas, swimming pool, delicious food, and top quality services to help keep you relaxed and taken care of for a few days. Imagine dipping yourself into a hotspring, soaking in the wonderful beneficial minerals in the hot spring waters, and feeling all refreshed when you pop out of there (though, it's winter now, so it's going to be chilly when you pop out).

Anyways, apologies for the off-topic chat. I hope you'll be able to find some comfort/acceptance/love within yourself today. Always here for you if you'd like to have a chat Dools.

Jt

[Doolhof]

Thanks Jt,

I've had similar thoughts to you. Yes, it does sound wonderful and it is something I would like to do. Money is an issue unfortunately. Even a massage in itself is a luxury.

I did try to think how I could try to replicate some of this at home. When my mind is so depressed it is hard to think of what will help.

I could buy some healthy prepared meals, set the table up nicely while eating, have some music playing, flowers on the table.

I could go for a drive so I have somewhere nice to go for a walk. Take a packed lunch and a thermos of hot chocolate and find somewhere scenic to sit for a while to enjoy the view.

A massage would be affordable if I didn't have accommodation costs somewhere.

There is a pool in a town not so far away, I could see when that is free for general use.

Books, puzzles, craft you tubes, a movie, colouring and other "stuff" would help fill the day.

I still need to find the energy and enthusiasm for this. Hopefully it will happen!

In the past I have booked a couple of nights accommodation at the beach and spent most of my time just crying. My misery, sadness and depression just followed me! It wouldn't rack off!

I try changing my thoughts, try to keep active, try to accept how I am feeling, try to find things to be grateful for. This darn black cloud is just always there.

Guess I just have to keep trying!

Cheers to you and thanks so much for your thoughts. I do like your idea immensely! From Dools

[Learn to Fly]

Hang in there Dools! Don’t give up. Tell us one good thing that happen to you during the day. If there is more, that’s even better.

No matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Let us know.

Take care.

[Doolhof]

Hi Learn to Fly,

Thanks so much for your kind, encouraging and caring words.

I can actually tell you lots of good things that have been happening! The main thing is that I have been able to break free of what ever it is that has been holding me back so dramatically. I feel like I have had a victory.

I'm also realistic in knowing I am not cured! I am just so ecstatic I have been able to move on and achieve actions that have brought me a sense of pleasure.

Yesterday I drove to the town I wanted to visit on Monday when I had a little mini breakdown and felt so miserable. Yesterday it rained, was cold and windy, so I visited the shops in the town, the library a small art gallery and treated myself to coffee and cake in the bakery.

This morning I am going walking with my sister before I start work and will take a thermos of tea to share with her.

I've started a new Gratitude Journal I picked up in an Op Shop. The top line reads "I will let go of..." the Second line reads "I am grateful for..." and has a few lines to write on then at the bottom "I will focus on..." with space to write 4 dot points.

Yesterday I phoned a friend I have not talked to for ages.

Yesterday's walk found me sitting under a tree for a while listening to the birds, the wind in the trees and the lambs in the distance. I heard a kookaburra as well.

The best thing is I felt able to move on and to do something positive for myself. I found the energy and desire to do that. I know there are days when the pain is so intense and deep. On those days I also need to find something to do even if it is just reading a book to distract my thoughts and allow my mind and soul to rest.

Thanks again Learn to Fly! I have not given up! How are you and what are some of the positives in your life?

Cheers to you and all reading from Dools