How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[Learn to Fly]

Thank you kindly Dools.
I feel quite privileged to find myself among such beautiful people. I’ve always admired BB and similar organisations and people who go all the way and beyond to be of sincere help to others.

Looking at things from various angles doesn’t sound like overanalysing. It means that you have an open mind and you are considerate of different options.

Love the way you think.

Take care there.

[Doolhof]

Hi Learn to Fly and to all reading,

There are moments in life when I realise my usual way of thinking, behaving and reacting is not as beneficial as it could be. I do realise there are some moments and days where life is just too hard, and taking it easy is okay.

I do appreciate other people's ideas, thoughts and perspectives.

In a way, accepting new concepts is like trying new recipes. It will either work or it might not. The main thing is to consider it in the first place and give it a go.

Thanks again for your sharing. Hope you are having a wonderful day! Cheers form Dools

[quirkywords]

Dools and everyone reading,

I too wonder about having separate journals for the negative and positive of my day works.
I start a gratitude journal then after a few days stop writing. Lately I try to go on the thread maybe once a week or more that you started about 3 things to be thankful for. Then I can go back and cut and paste what I wrote.

I do find writing down things that upset me can make feel worse but I know I need to acknowledge them but not ruminate.

I admire the way you are flexible to try new ways of thinking and different perspectives.

Hope your day goes well.

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky and All,

Guess we are all different in the way we look at life, what helps and what makes us more miserable.

I find when I write the hurtful, sad, miserable, self defeating, confusing and non helpful stuff, I usually feel awful at the time then find it to be releasing.

I rarely read what I have written negatively or have needed to offload. I sometimes look at the Gratitude stuff as it does help me to see that life can be different.

I haven't written the unpleasant stuff for a while. Maybe it would be beneficial to do that instead of it running around in my head!

I was planning to do a lot of stuff today, then my husband came home early and my plans went out the window. I don't concentrate so well when he is at home.

Cheers all from Dools

[Doolhof]

Today has started as a chocolate cake and coffee for breakfast kind of a day.

I'm feeling really tired of not sleeping.

Tired of feeling so lonely and quite often very bored at work. I ask for extra tasks to do but nothing eventuates so I sit there staring at the computer screen looking at policies I looked at last week and the week before.

I have a camera behind me so I can't really Google interesting stuff that might help release my growing feelings of depression at work.

Yesterday I went to the bathroom multiple times just so I had something to do!

I have a constant headache, no one seems to have an answer for.

I need to find ways to change my mind set today as a down ward spiral is looming!

Need to find a sense of direction and purpose!

[quirkywords]

I hope your headache is better now. A headache and lack of sleep makes it hard to be yourself.
A sense of direction and a purpose can be hard to find but I feel you are using your experiences on this thread and other threads to help people.
take care

[Doolhof]

Hi quirky,

Thanks for dropping by. I'm needing to make another appointment with the physio and maybe a Dr as well as the headaches are turning into migraines, not much fun at all really.

One positive with that though, I came home from work yesterday with my head feeling like it was about to explode. Went to bed with a heat pack around my head and the cat snuggled up next to me. The cat doesn't usually like me unless I feed her, so yer, there are positives if I look hard enough!

I was watching a show about the royal guards just standing in their little boxes at Buckingham Palace staring out at nothing for hours on end. That gave me a greater appreciation for my job! I might print out a photo of a guard and pin it up at work so I realise just how fortunate I am!

Life really is a matter of perspective isn't it!

Cheers to you Quirky and to all from Dools

[Doolhof]

I recently had an appointment with another psychologist.

She asked me deep questions that cut open festering wounds. Then she dug even deeper, slashing at my soul and heart. Awakening parts of the mind I have tried so hard to keep in the dark.

I felt shattered, broken all over again, pulverised, traumatised...and then the session is over and you are asked to leave.

She will now decide if she thinks she is able to help me.

I am left again to pick up the pieces. To try and find a way to deal with all that has been exposed.

There has to be a better way! I don't know what it is. You are in a car accident, you are beat up, the Drs patch you up, you stay in hospital until it is deemed you are safe to go home.

That doesn't happen with mental health. People rip you apart, cause more trauma and show you the door.

Part of me just wants to shut down, and has been trying hard to do so.

I am trying to move on. I thought I had strategies in place. This lady cut deep.

Some people say to just pick yourself up and get on with life to not feel self pity.

Is that what complex PTSD is? Feeling pity for yourself?

Is that what unresolved grief is?

Why does it hurt so much trying to get better?

[PamelaR]

Hi Dools

Sorry to hear things are not going so well for you. Opening up old wounds is very painful. Sending you lots of healing thoughts and care.

xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Pamela,

Thanks, I appreciate your kind words.

People say we should change our thoughts. When our minds have believed, anticipated,