How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna,

Thanks so much for persisting with your reply. It must be difficult using a phone, I have trouble navigating my phone at the best of times.

Yes, it is sad to realise the thoughts, processes, beliefs and values we accept as being truth our whole lives do not have to be our reality! I'm seeing a new psychologist who is trying to help me realise I don't have to live with the feelings of inadequacy I accepted as a child.

I have been out walking. I tried really hard at work to see the good in everyone and to be thankful I have employment. Then a staff member just stood there and yelled at me and berated me in front of other staff for what felt like ages. It was horrible.

Someone suggested that next time I ask them to stop and tell them I don't appreciate the way they are communicating with me. I made a mistake yes. I don't need to be yelled at.

I'm off for another walk today.

Hope you have some sunshine where you are Hanna as we do here. Kind regards from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hello Jane363,

Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing the inspiration of the words on the poster that has been given to you.

Yes, life certainly has many different situations for us to traverse, deal with, accept, be thankful for or to just plain struggle with. I know I need to accept the unpleasant and down days, maybe I need to look at them more as depression days rather than "unpleasant" maybe that would help?

Part of my reason for sharing so openly here is because some people on the forum in the past have written they hadn't realised other people feel the same or similar to them with mental health issues.

Being honest with family and friends about how we are truly feeling and struggling is not always possible.

This is a safe place to do so.

It helps me to get stuff out of my head as well.

An huge bonus is that so many wonderful people such as yourself and all people contributing here offer help, advice, suggestions, encouragement and care. Just having an issue acknowledged can be so beneficial.

I want to thank you again and to encourage you on your journey. I hope you find your way around this foruma nd that you feel like a part of the community here.

Kind regards to you from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Topsy,

Thanks so much for sharing. I understand what you mean about the feeling like you are bound tightly when you are desperately wanting to try to do something to benefit yourself.

It is hard to describe isn't it! I can look at my crocheting, pick it up, stand there holding it, part of me wants to sit down and crochet, part of me is yelling at me "There is no way you are doing any crocheting. Back away. You can't do it. No way. It isn't happening". That inner battle is exhausting.

I'm so sorry to read about your Mum and your experiences with her. I wonder what on earth happened in our Mother's lives that made them react like that to their own children? I am not saying it is okay, this is just one way of thinking that has helped me accept my childhood.

Hey Topsy, I've decided change and choices are worth the effort. Some days I really struggle, I could do life differently on those days, some days I manage, some days I fall apart or maybe I need to tell myself I am just trying to get through that day the best way I can.

Today the sun is shining. I am going to spend some time outside. Hope you are doing okay.

Kind regards to you from Dools

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

I'm sorry you had someone yell at you at work. There is no excuse for that kind of behaviour.

I've been sitting in the park this morning wondering why people so often are rude to me. I had a lot of bullying in the days when I was working. This morning I took the computer back to the repair shop as it had no internet and turned out it was his fault accidentally leaving it connected to his wifi. But he was very rude.

Yesterday my friend came over and she is very snappy with me. I don't know why.

I must come across unassertive but I don't know how or why I change myself.

You sound a kind nice person and we seem to be targets for some people.

I wonder if we can both think of strategies to help us!!!!

Hugs from me and Sam! 💕🐕🌸🎶☺️🍀

[Guest_1643]

hi Dools,

you are a remarkable person keeping so positive and balanced in quar...hope u are okay and feeling good.

this lockdown ive had some decent things happen - increases in support, friends checking in, and good communication with professionals, who made themselves consisently available. this has not happened in previous lockdowns, and taking a leaf out of ur beautiful book, i guess i will show gratitude for some of the good that has come my way.

It is horrible that ppl yell and are cruel in the workplace, i hope u are okay, it can be so traumatic. take good care of urself and thanks for ur kind words to me on other threads! always appreciate a friendly comment 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna and All,

Thanks for your kind words, you sound like a lovely person as well, as do so many here on the forum. Maybe we need to be a little bit sensitive to be able to recognise, help, support and care for each other here.

Not everyone understands or acknowledges mental health issues. Some people don't understand that their harsh words can have a negative affect on people, mental health issues or not.

I'm sorry to read the computer repair guy was very rude to you. There is no need for that.

It has been suggested that if someone is rude to me again that I speak up, tell them their behaviour is unacceptable, tell them I will not listen to them if they continue to talk in that manner and walk away if possible.

I'm going to need my super-human-strength cape on to be able to do that! Ha. Ha. I would be too concerned the person would become angrier and more abusive! Apparently it works for some people.

The psychologist today told me to believe I am just as worthy of respect as anyone else.

Sorry to read your friend was snappy as well. Have you been able to message her at all and ask what that was all about?

When I know I am struggling with my mental health, I let my husband know when he gets up, so if I am cranky at least he knows it is not about him but my state of being.

Might be a good thing if we could all understand our reasons for being out of sorts!

Hope you and your friend have a much better connection next time! Regards to you from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hello Sleepy,

I always appreciate you and all who drop by. I am not always good at keeping up with different threads or even my own sometimes! I would like to be more consistent, life happens sometimes and I don't always get around to doing what I would like to do.

I had a good chat with the psychologist today and she helped me sort out my feelings towards being so triggered by the cranky staff member. I know in my heart that I can not ignore her and treat her differently than I had in the past, as that will just make me feel bitter.

That does not mean I will not be wary of how I interact with her and watch what I say when she is around. My respect level for her has dropped immensely. I also realise I do not need to think less of myself because she felt she had the right to yell at me.

Congratulations on finding ways to work through lockdown, for persevering in getting assistance and recognising the help you have received.

It has helped me to look at all the things I have to be grateful for. I'm trying to write things I am thankful for in my journal every day.

Hope you have lots to be grateful for this week! Regards to you from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi

For some reason I am still finding it difficult to be motivated at home. There are so many jobs I could be doing, activities that would be very beneficial and helpful if I could start them let alone finish them.

I need to change my mindset, to find enthusiasm and maybe just push myself to do something and then appreciate my achievements.

Reading out in the sun has been relaxing and at least that helps to calm me and stop the rumination of unhelpful thoughts.

[Jane363]

Hey Dools,

Just a quick reminder. You are allowed to feel stuck sometimes. Don't feel guilty or bad or sad. Sometimes we just need to stop and regroup - I now compare those times to moving and re-establishing my base camp (hopefully) further up the mountainside of rehab. Sometime a landslide or whatever has caused me to regroup further back down the slope again. That's ok. I know I have already climbed that portion before so I can do it again.

The journey back from PTSD and other anxieties or setbacks can be likened to riding a rollercoaster... some parts of the track are a slog uphill; some parts are a steady smooth ride; and other parts are scream your guts out while your hurtling down and spinning round completely out of control, before eventually bottoming out and starting another cycle. I used this analogy with one of my mental health team members when I was trying to explain how quickly a down mood can hit and how out of control I feel when it hits. Their response was: okay so take that rollercoaster ride, but remember at the end of the ride when you pull into the station it is your choice whether you unlock the restraints and get off or stay on for another round.

Sometimes, like today, I actually do unlock those restraints and get off the ride (at least for a while) and it was people like yourself who helped me with those kind words of support, empathy and acceptance. So please be kind to yourself and remember how many other people you have helped to support; and maybe take some support from us now.

[Doolhof]

Hi Jane,

Thanks so much for your analogy, I enjoyed reading how you expressed your own experiences. I know I need to cut myself more slack and accept there are times when I just need to stop, breathe a while and take time to decide where to from here.

I have received a lot of support here from so many wonderful people and I greatly appreciate that. There has been some criticism as well I feel because I keep reacting to the same issues.

I've sought out psychologists, counsellors, been to Drs and have tried so hard to work on strategies and implement different ways of accepting, doing life and trying to be a better person.

Some days I feel like a failure because I haven't conquered my depression, my grief, my Complex PTSD, my stress and anxiety. Some days I can accept that is not possible. I need to let go of other people's expectations of how they think I should be managing my life as well.

I wasn't go to share anymore of my own struggles here! I just can't help myself!