How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Doolhof,

I too have also had my fair share of up days and down days. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world, while other days I feel like utter mess. On my bad days, I told myself that it's okay to have bad days, not everything stays positive all the time. But I assured myself that I will do better next time, and allowed myself to do small necessary things which is accompanied with self-reassurance that I'm doing great and the best I can to get through my bad days.

That reminds me of the snack chips called "Twisties". Their slogan is "Life is pretty straight without... (Twisties)". Not sure if I'm interpreting it correctly, but I take it as "It's okay to have bad days, life gets pretty boring and mundane if it's always good." There was another quote that I came across recently, "Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one".

Take care of yourself Doolhof,

Jt

[Doolhof]

Hey Thanks everyone,

The day seems to have progressed to one where I have no idea where the day has gone.

Think I have disconnected a little too much today!

I tried doing stuff Grandy and my brain just shut down.

Maybe tomorrow...

[quirkywords]

Dools

I wonder where the days have gone during lockdown as they all blend into one andI have to think what day it is.

jtjt

I often to think what it would be like to live life in a straight line with no ups and downs.

I suppose most people have twists and turns but some have bigger twists and turns.

[Claudia_L]

Hi Dool and everyone reading,

Thank you all for your contributions and for sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences during this tough time.

Personally, I find it better to cope with life's many struggles through listening to music and through journalling. Quirky you said that you have two seperate journals for both negative and positive days. I find this so inspiring and persevering. I try to journal every night to self reflect on what my day held as well as how I felt and my emotions. It is also very important to also write the positives of your day along with what you are thankful for just like you said! Great job for doing this and I hope you continue to do so.

I also find that when writing things that upset me during that day can cause me to feel more sad however, like you said it is important to ackowledge these feelings and self reflect on why you felt like that. Self reflection is the key to self awareness. Through this practice we are able to look at the changes and trends in our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. We can then work on moving forward when the time is right.

A quote that I would like to share with everyone reading is that "you can't put a time on healing" and "you can't heal if you keep pretending you're not hurting." This makes me reflect and realise that you have to accept the hurt before you can move on.

I hope this can help you start your journey with self reflection and journalling.

I wish you all the best and to stay safe during this time!

Kind regards,

Claudia

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky, Grandy, JT, Claudia, Hanna & Everyone,

Thanks again for all the suggestions, ideas, encouragement, quotes and comments.

I'm just so frustrated with knowing what will help but finding it so darn difficult to do anything that will make a difference. It is almost like a part of me is sabotaging any attempt I make at trying to get through the day in a remotely positive way.

My struggle is putting a helpful thought or suggestion into an action.

Grandy, for example, on a rough day, how do you make yourself sweep your mat? I would get out the broom, hold it, look at the mat then go to my bedroom and cry because it was just too difficult to get from holding the broom to using it!

Yes, I understand some days are tough and harder to accept and to get through. I am so exhausted and tired of feeling this way so often. I am overwhelmed.

There are so many things I could be doing!

My sister has asked me to join her for a walk today. I need to drive an hour to meet her. I am going to try to push myself to go. (Here in S.A. we can still do these things)

I greatly appreciate all of your comments and will write your suggestions down. Maybe I do need a visual in writing of what I can do to help motivate myself.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dools,

I hope you decided to drive out to your sister and enjoyed a beautiful and relaxing walk with her...

Dools, I have a problem with dirt/dust/fur in my house..many bad things happened to me if I never kept our house slick and span.....I need to clean each day to get it all clean...so I don’t feel guilty for not doing it....I do vacuum at times, but sweeping takes longer and is more physical and I like to see all the dust and fur I get up each day...once I’ve done this and it’s clean...I don’t feel so guilty anymore...Everyone is different on what they are able to manage when in depression....

Even little achievements can help with mental health...A drive and a walk to me is a huge achievement...I don’t drive anywhere on my own except to the next town for work or shopping...I cannot drive elsewhere because of my anxiety...so my support worker takes me to my appointments and out somewhere different sometimes....I hate that part of me because I have to rely on her...I feel a lot of guilt for that....but you dear lady can do that....drive somewhere on your own...I admire you for that..I can’t even walk on my own...I am trying to accept this part of me but it’s hard...

I think Dools, that we need to accept ourselves for what we can and can’t do,,,without judgement to ourselves...We can only do what we can do..,and honestly that is enough...eventually we all come through our hard times in one piece..it could take days/ months or even years...in this time accepting of ourselves is so important to be able to keep moving forward...Fighting our depression is like fighting ourselves...

If you feel to do something and do it...wow that’s awesome..if you feel to do something and can’t that’s awesome as well....just let it go...don’t think about not doing it....I think we need to accept what we can or what we can’t do...and not fight ourself or be judgmental towards ourselves...because each day we are gifted we can only do our best to live in that day, whether we go for a walk, sleep all day, do nothing all day...that’s our best for that day...There is always tomorrow, there’s always hope...

My kind thoughts precious lady..

Grandy..

[Doolhof]

Hi Grandy,

Thanks for your wise words and care. Yes, my mind tells me I need to fight my depression, if I don't then what is the point. Depression has won and I am weak.

What a horrible revelation. That I can be so cruel to myself but have so much love, care and compassion for others!

Only this morning I was able to put words to the interpretation I had as a child when I saw my Mum look at me: contempt, disdain and unwanted.

I need to find ways to nurture myself and be kinder to me!

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

I've written a couple of long replies to you and I accidentally hit the wrong key and they got deleted and I've been too exhausted to retype them all! It's tricky ona tiny phone.

What sad memories to have of your mother. My mother was permanently enraged with me and told me always that I was plain and no good at anything.

It's sad we carry these messages within us when they are all about what was wrong with them and not us.

I find just going out and playing nice music in the car while I drive helps. Last night I watched the Olympic games and forgot feeling bad because it was so exciting.

Go easy on yourself dear friend. Hugs 🙂🐕🎶🍀🌷🐾🌻🌸

[Jane363]

Hi Dools,

I am only very new here and it still takes a lot of effort to even log on. You are amazing how you can be so open and honest with people here. This is something I am still struggling with.

The last four years of my life have not been pleasant and I have taken many wrong turns. I am hoping this new pathway is my way back to a reasonable life.

One thing I have learned is that there are rough patches... they happen and I have found that its like hitting a rough /icy patch when driving a car - just steer into it and go with it until you can gain some control. Easier said than done. My first instinct is still to panic when I wake up to a rough day. But I am trying to remember to listen to the advice of so many people and give myself a break - life isn't always chocolates and roses. Or maybe it is - chocolate really isn't good for us even though it tastes divine; and roses look and smell wonderful until you prick your finger on the thorns.

Life is hard and some days it is the little achievements that make it worthwhile - getting out of bed is a major achievement on some days (even if the pj's are worn all day) - making a cup of tea, coffee or juice can be a big achievement some days and some days maybe even heat some food!

We are always our own harshest critic.

One of my medical support team gave me a poster. I'd like to share the saying with you as it helps me on bad days.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that you are about to launch into something great. When we are pulled back, we face difficulties. Don't be afraid of these difficulties - face them with all of your strengths. But we can only be strong for so long before our body and mind need to rest and recover. Lay the bow down, rest, recover and recoup. Then pick up that bow and send the arrow soaring.

I've been reading many of your posts. You are so kind and thoughtful to others, maybe its time to extend that to yourself. The fact that you have continued logging in and sharing and caring is inspirational to myself and I am sure to others as well.

[topsy_]

Hi Dools

I'm just so frustrated with knowing what will help but finding it so darn difficult to do anything that will make a difference. It is almost like a part of me is sabotaging any attempt I make at trying to get through the day in a remotely positive way. My struggle is putting a helpful thought or suggestion into an action.

I want to say thank you for the above words. They describe exactly how I am. I feel so frustrated with myself & harshly judge myself for being so weak, lazy, hopeless ……..!

What I know & what I feel are diametrically opposed. I know this is going to sound weird but I feel physically like I am bound tightly by the fattest & strongest elastic band that is impossible to break free of.

Another thing that struck me about a few of the above posts is how awful some of our mothers are/were. Just the sight of me enraged my mother. I used to sit behind my bedroom door so she couldn’t glimpse me on her way past. She also told me “girls don’t count in our family”. But her cruelty over the years has just been shattering. I lived my whole life in fear of her. I used to be so afraid I could taste the fear, even as a year 12 student. With 2 brief exceptions I have cut her out of my life the last 20 years.

I don’t know what the answers are. Sometimes I think I’m too old now to change much. It’s such a battle & I get tired of the fight with so little success.

I hope you are having a better day today. Bye for now, T.