How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[Doolhof]

Not sure if it is my depression and anxiety, my PTSD being triggered or just the fact I am in quarantine, but I am done.

My brain is scrambled. I have spent the last two days yelling and screaming at my husband and the cat.

I am mentally drained and exhausted.

It has been raining. I tried to escape outside. I became cold and wet.

Trying to keep busy isn't working. It seems so futile. What is the point?

I'm stuck in a pit of despair that just wants to suck me under. I am tired of this battle.

To make things worse, I have a huge gross cockroach caught between the window and the screen and no matter what I try...apart from lifting the window out, I can't get rid of the horrid thing. The screens are not easily removed. I have already tried knives, screwdrivers and pliers to remove them. They are stuck.

So not only is my brain a mess, I'm imminently likely to be tossed out by my husband and the cat for yelling at them all day long, but I also have a cockroach problem as well.

I don't know how to get through this day mildly sane.

[quirkywords]

Dools

i want send you a big hug as no words I can offer will make things better.

The cockroach sounds annoying.

just wanted to say I am thinking of you and will refrain fron cliches and motivational quotes.

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

Sorry you're having a bad day. Write the day off. Do something nice. Have a cuppa or watch a video. Just let today go past. Hugs 💖

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky and Hanna,

Thanks for your messages and kind words.

These downers really frustrate me. I don't seem to be able to find the stop button.

My husband must be thankful he is back at work today! I am working tomorrow and have been asked to do a full day. Hope my mind is up to it. Hope I don't have too many rude people!

At least I can hide behind my mask.

I have been out for a walk today and a short drive so that has been very beneficial.

My heart goes out to everyone who is in lock down or about to be put into one. For those of you in quarantine, I really wish you well.

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

Sounds like you're really doing your best there. I hope work went OK. So are you officially out of quarantine now?

I was tired of having problems and escaped to the next big town where there are lovely scenic walks to do with Sam. We had lunch in the lovely park in the sun and I got some nice summer tops at the op shop there.

Exhausted now as it's a very long drive!

🙂🌼🐾🌻💕🍀🌸

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna,

Yes, our quarantine was officially over at midnight Sunday so I guess we could have gone out for take away 20 kilometres away if we had an urge to do so in the early hours of Monday.

My husband said he really enjoyed getting back to work, he is an essential delivery driver so gets to travel all over the place and people are happy to see him.

I'm working my first day back today. Thankfully some people are nice others can be so darn rude and actually stand there and yell at me like COVID and all the rules they have to adhere to are my idea.

This morning I managed a walk up the road, watched the sun rise and managed to skip the worst of the rain, so that was lovely.

I really need to work on finding more ways to be comfortable here at home in case of more lock downs and quarantines. I will start listening to music again, find old CDs that calm me. I don't know how to use mobile phones for stuff like that. I have no one here to show me. My husband is not a good teacher or I am not a good student!

It sounds like you had a wonderful outing, well done to you for making the effort. I like to take photos on my phone so I can recall the good moments.

I'm so pleased I am feeling a bit better and hope I cope okay at work today! Positive thoguhts right!

Kind regards to you from Dools

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

I'm glad to hear that you're at least out of quarantine!

I listen to talks on utube and videos and music. If you have a smart phone there should be Google on the front of it. Press on that and type in whatever you want.

If I want to listen to Nirvana (a band I like) I can just type that in under videos (once in google there should be a little subheading saying all or videos etc.. You can click on videos or just type it in. Easy as! 😊

Just remember videos use up more data.

We went walking this morning and food shopping and then op shopping and are now home having a cuppa before doing some music practice!

Turning icy cold here now. ❄️🎶🎼🎵🌻

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna,

Thanks for the info about how to use the smart phone. I don't ask anyone I know for help as some people have treated me like I am an idiot. If no one shows me, how am I to know? How do I google for information on how to do something when I don't even know the terminology for what I want to do?

Woke up this morning feeling instantly depressed. I hate it when that happens. No reason other than the fact I woke up!

Trying to accept that. Trying to find ways to move on with my day. Trying to stop the rapidly declining thoughts.

I might go through some cupboards and see what I can donate to the charity shops.

Why is it so hard on rough days to put things in place that I know will help?

How do other people manage that or do you just accept you are having a horrid moment and live with that?

Hope you are doing okay Hanna. Regards form Dools

[quirkywords]

Dools

I find the more I force myself to do things on days I struggle the less I do. I set my bar very low on those days. Having a shower and dressing is seen as a big achievement.

I also feel exhausted on those days.
I agree about technology I say assume I know nothing.but I don’t ask people for help anymore

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Dools....🤗..

It is hard isn’t it when we wake up in a negative and depressed state.....I’m sorry that is happening to you...I wish so much that I could take away your depression...

When I wake up in the way your describing, I don’t want to do anything except return to bed....but that would take away the gift of a new day, so I pick up my broom and sweep instead of vacuuming..hard work on my large mat, but it seems to change my negative and depressive thoughts onto me trying to get my carpet mat looking clean...maybe this is a bit little bit of mindfulness...I’m quite happy with myself once it looks clean....

Other things you could do to stop those depressive thoughts in the morning could be...to go outside and collect some small rocks you like and paint faces on them, starting off how your feeling...😭..and each one paint a littler bit happier face until you reach 😁 this one...then throw away all the sad looking faces and hold on to the happy face 😁 for the day...you could even find Little Rock’s of different shapes and glue them together to make some funny animals......just something to keep your mind busy looking for rocks that you like and can paint....Dools sweet lady....it’s all about getting out of our head and living in the now...hard I know, but once we can change or distract our depressive thoughts, our depression also gets distracted enough to hide away for a little while....and that’s all we really want for each day...

My kind thoughts precious Dear Dools...

Grandy...