How to help husband who is an alcoholic and getting violent?

[Sari_07]

Hi, I am new to this forum. wondering if anyone can guide me to the right direction.
My husband has been drinking heavily (2-5 bottles of wine in 7 days) since a couple of years and everytime he drinks he is a different person. he gets very angry, very emotional about everything or every minute things. He would scream and sometimes also get violent making me leave the house. He can talk about something that happened in past or a decision he or i would have taken which might have been wrong and belives that it is what is making him suffer. He would blame everything on me and my decisions.
I do love him or may be I am just trying to be a loyal wife and trying to help a man who I loved deeply some time ago. I dont want put him in any danger or expose him that ruins his career or image in public. I just dont understand at this stage what step to take and how to ask for help safely.
he doesnt agree to contacting or talking to a doctor GP, we have been trying since last 5 months. i take appointments but it gets wasted..
any suggestions please?
thanks,

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sari,

Welcome and thank you for joining us here. We are so sorry to hear that your husband has become violent. Please know that you are valuable and you have the right to live your life free of violence. We are really grateful that you were brave enough to reach out to the forums this evening as we know this can be difficult to do for the first time.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who is experiencing violence like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/

If at any time you are in immediate danger, please contact 000 (triple zero) as this is an emergency. 

Hopefully a few of our welcoming community members will pop by over the next few days to welcome you and offer some words of support and advice. Thanks again for reaching out here.

[Emo]

Hi Sari,

I would like to start by saying how brave you are to open up here as I know it can be a daunting thing but please know that everyone here is so kind and understanding and supportive.

I can completely relate to your life as I too am married to a man who is an alcoholic. You are right to question your feelings for your husband as I know that my commitment to my marriage clouded the true feelings I had for my husband. I can't tell you what you should do as I struggle with the feelings I have for my husband and the feelings he has for me but please ask yourself if he truly loved you would he hurt you?

You deserve to be safe and cared for and I truly believe that the current situation you are in is unsafe. Please reach out for help from 1800Respect. I have talked to them myself and they were useful in helping to talk through my concerns regarding my situation. I also contacted SafeSteps 1800 015 188 another great place to get help but only if you live in Victoria.

The most important thing you can do is to get a safety plan in place which is something 1800Respect can help you with. I'm not suggesting that you have to leave your husband because it is a decision that only you can make when you are ready.

The main thing is for you to reach out for help from other organisations like you have done here. It's important that you take care of yourself even if your husband refuses to get help because you deserve a great life. You are a kind person for still caring about your husband but please know that it's not your fault. The drinking may have changed your husband but he still needs to take ownership for his actions.

I'm here if you need to talk, I know exactly what you are going through and if I can be of any help I'm only too happy to help. Please take care of yourself and keep reaching out on this forum. It has saved my life numerous times just to feel like I'm not alone. Do you have any friends or family you can discuss your current concerns with? It's important to look after yourself no matter what the ramifications might be for your husband. I'm here for you.

Regards,

Emo.

[geoff]

Hello Sari, and a warm welcome to the forums.

This, unfortunately, is such a difficult situation I've seen while I was running hotels, a quiet person would come into the pub and it only takes one drink, then they change to become an annoying and more so an aggressive personality.

I do feel very sorry that you are placed in this situation, which is not any fault of yours, basically what it means is that your husband should not be drinking, although I'm in no position and qualified to make that statement, but definitely understand.

Love may not the same as it was before, and now it could be a caring love, but how you cope in handling this situation is never an easy feat.

No one can live with a person either in marriage or a relationship when their addiction changes them for the worse, because you may be blamed continuously for something you had nothing to do with, you can't be the 'escape goat'.

Even though he won't see his doctor, if he was asked about his alcohol consumption, the truth would not be disclosed and only relate to being a moderate drinker, because who is game enough to tell them the exact truth for fear of condemnation.

He won't seek help, unless he has decided he wants to stop and needs assistance, only because what you try to do is only going to make his worse, I'm sorry to say.

I can only imagine your thoughts once he starts drinking and where or what you can do so as to prevent any disruption, a horrible feeling.

How his career or the image he portrays because of the alcohol consumption has nothing to do with you, it's impossible for you to pretend or keep making excuses for him because eventually, people will realise the change that overcomes him when he drinks, it can't be hidden, that's why your safety is of prime concern.

How I coped with these people in the pub is different from how a spouse/partner is able to overcome this problem and there are a couple of suggestions but would love to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Sari_07]

Thanks Sophie, Emo and Geoff for your kind words and valuable advices.
I will definately call 1800respect tomorrow and see how I go.
I do think of leaving the house as somewhere I do feel that I do not deserve this I do have a job but will have two young children with me. oldest daughter who is 10 is aware of the situation and is seeing the behaviour issues and is seriously hoping that this all stops one day, the kids wont be very happy to leave daddy but they understand that mummy is bearing a lot.
I dont have any family members in Australia and not many friends left as we broke up with a very good group of people again due to alcohol and some abusing words between the boys when they were drunk. If I leave the house though I will leave with the kids not otherwise. and i just fear that my husband will find us out and things can get crazy.
Does anyone think that he might be going interested through depression as well and this can be something I talk to the helpline about?
If he is not ready to go to a doctor can I make the organisation talk to him that he might have some mental issues and needs to get it fixed?
Thanks again friends, I haven't been speaking to anyone so openly so far apart from my father-in-law who i thought could help, but thats not working much as his parents are in another country as well and are now helpless.

[geoff]

Hello Sari, if you read a thread by Omara, just recently posted 'I can't cope with my alcoholic husband any longer, please help', I know it's one of many and I was going to mention your thread but apologise as I couldn't remember.

While alcohol may temporarily reduce the effects of depression but for some people to drink it in an attempt to cope with this disorder, what it does is produce negative thoughts on most or on all aspects of their life and become dependent on alcohol.

Young kids still have the ability to talk amongst themselves as well as asking you why this is happening, and sometimes these are the most difficult questions to answer and actually what to say because are certainly going to tell their young friends.

There could be organisations willing to talk with him, but first, he has to agree to want to talk or believes this is just another person trying to make him understand the problems of alcohol and may indeed refuse.

It's like we can't force anybody to love a person when they don't or make a person continually eat something they've detested all their life, they have to make that decision themselves.

He may be willing to face this issue a different way and instead of confronting the alcohol problem, he may be wanting to see someone about how he is feeling, whether or not he's depressed, and then the doctor and/or psychologist being careful to tackle why he needs to drink.

They do need to take care because if they counsel him too heavily about the alcohol, he won't go back again.

The other point I forgot to mention to Omara and Emo in their thread was to say if they do go to rehab, then once they come home, there should be no alcohol in the house, if you leave it on the shelf, then there is the old trick, that the alcohol, especially white, is replaced with water, or any other replaced with a similar colour of anything, indicating that no alcohol has been drunk, it's only when a friend comes over and wants a drink, only to discover it's water they're drinking.

The same applies to any liquid in the pantry, eg white vinegar which is not used at all is replaced with gin or vodka.

My best.

Geoff.

[Sari_07]

Hello Geoff,
thanks for these suggestions. My husband doesnt agree to see a doctor or psychologist. he might be finding it difficult to accept that he has a problem and thinks that I created all these problems for him and I am the reason for him to drink so I need to sufffer. these are his words.
do you think that I am just too innocent trying to get him out of this addiction plus mental issues. Is it that I might be just trying to convince myself that he will listen, but that day is never going to come.
i dont have friend tp ask these questions clearly but have you from your experience met with people who go to these dangerous alcohol levels and get well later in life?

[Sari_07]

Hello Geoff,
I will surely try all the suggestions ypu have given me. thanks. no one buys alcohol in the house apart from as I dont drink.

[Tusphi]

Dear Sari, i feel sorry for your pain. This is a very difficult and hurtful situation for everyone in your family,including your husband. I grew up in a family of alcoholics and myself became a very heavy drinker for many years.I remember my mother and aunts struggling with similar issues and I remember the deep shame I felt after a session of heavy drinking. It’s gut wrenching stuff. Self disgust can often translate into anger.

My observation and experience has shown me that nobody can heal an alcoholic, no matter how much we love them and want to make things right.

It is a psychological addiction, a disease, and the person themselves need to seek the help. only the alcoholic can find their own path to over come the disease.they can get help finding the path but it must come from the person themselves.

The fact that your husbands personality changes so markedly that he becomes violent, forcing you from the house suggests he’s alcoholic, though he may not believe that himself. and I am not qualified to diagnose. However I do believe it is his responsibility to address his own issues and that is his journey, not yours. He may or may not do anything about it and that is his choice.

You are not responsible for his happiness or wellness.
you are responsible for your own well-being and for the well-being of your children. I get a sense from your words that you are struggling with a sense of duty and a longing for the return of the man you loved and still love when he is not drunk and abusive. However the situation may never change, may just get worse unless he himself initiates the change. You cannot do it for him. He may very well be suffering from depression or some other sort of psychological trauma and yes you can suggest he see a GP or even contact this forum himself. However if he doesn’t and you keep bringing it up, he may see this as badgering and he might get defensive and angry.

My suggestion is for you to contact Al-Anon who support people who have alcoholic family members. You can share your burden and meet people going through similar situation. Perhaps don’t tell your husband at first as he may feel fear and shame and get violent.
Also contact RESPECT as you need all the support you can get.

You and your children have a right to a peaceful and violence free home life. I do hope you find the support you need to allow you to find your way to a solution that works for you.
blessings and hugs

[Hereforsupport]

I don’t have advice but I can sympathise with you. Weekly my husband drinks a slab. He’ll lie to get his way, manipulate me to feel bad & there’s been times in the past he’s hidden extra drinks.
he isn’t violate but he is emotionally abusive & a disgusting drunk. He let me sleep on the couch most of my pregnancy while he was in our bed.
I really hope you’re okay & im glad you’re getting help & advice. Be safe you don’t deserve this. Alcohol is a bad thing,