How can you be comfortably intimate after new triggers arise from childhood abuse?

[Anzee]

Hi everyone, I’ve posted on here a few times for different reasons but they all pretty much relate back to the fact I experienced sexual abuse as a child.

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years, we have two kids together and we’ve always had a regular and strong sex life. But in April I went through a traumatic event where I was unexpectedly hospitalised with a heart condition and wasn’t allowed to see my family due to covid, I was in ICU and then transferred to a Melbourne hospital. Luckily the procedure was straight forward and although traumatic as I was kept awake and painful it was fixed within a couple of hours. I had severe health anxiety for months afterwards and seeked help from a psychologist. A few months after seeing her I had a trigger surrounding my childhood abuse and I told the psychologist, she referred me to CASA (centre against sexual assault) but it’s taken me a couple of months to actually get the courage to go through with it and I am currently on a wait list.

although once I had my first trigger, intimacy was different and my partner had to accept that we couldn’t do the same things we used to, I could still continue for him and not be too uncomfortable, but the last few weeks I am struggling to be intimate at all, every time we try I have triggers and panic attacks and I was just letting him finish anyways to make at least one of us satisfied but the longer I’m waiting to talk to CASA the harder it is getting to even do that and although my partner is trying to be supportive, he doesn’t understand how we can have a strong sex life for 9+ years to nothing so he does get really frustrated and grumpy toward me and the kids when I can’t go through with it for him. I have tried to tell myself I am safe and he is not going to hurt me but I just get so shaky and anxious and end up having flashbacks or nightmares which is really affecting my coping level. Has anyone found something that works to stop having these triggers every time you even try to be intimate? I can’t help but feel like our relationship is wearing thin because of the lack of intimacy.

[Rubybleu]

Hi Anzee,

Im sorry you’re having such a hard time right now. It’s great that you’re talking about and seeking help.

Im in a very similar situation - I was also sexually abused as a child, have a partner of 11yrs and 2 kids, recently told family about abuse and I am in the middle of a police investigation against my abuser which has and is causing a lot of depression and anxiety for me.
The difference however between our situations is that our sex life has never been strong and I’ve always struggled with intimacy issues as an adult (very promiscuous teenager). My partner and I are having a lot of issues at the moment but more with disconnection and him not knowing how to deal with my current mental health situation.
Im guessing you’ve kept this all bottled up and masked your trauma from abuse and now it’s out in the open you don’t have that mask on anymore? which is making intimacy hard.
Would your partner try couples therapy? Or even therapy by himself to get some advice on how to help you through this?

[ecomama]

Hi Anzee and a wave to Rubybleu

I wanted to reach out to both of you to let you know I care very very much about what you're both going through.

This should NEVER have happened to you, EVER.

I wish I had ALL the answers to heal you both immediately! Ofcourse I don't so I may not be any help at all.

Looking from the outside in at the forest you're both in, it's clear that disclosing & the strenuous legal processes you are both embarking on is part of the deepest memories being triggered.
And ensuing issues with intimacy.

I was not sexually abused as a child. I was as a teen and as an adult by a husband. My daughters were as children.

It's NOT the same. I know that for absolute certain.

I've never told this to anyone except for my American fiancee. I couldn't ever be with an Australian man ever again. It took an ENTIRELY different accent, background, religion, childhood, career... completely different physical features in EVERY way.
And I vetted his background in every possible way also. My friends did too.

AND a different country to be in.

I'm fearful in Australia. I pretty much never feel safe.
Overseas, no matter which country I'm in, I feel extremely safe, even when fiancee's at work.

I'm not telling you to ditch your homeland, no.

I'm wondering whether having as many things "different" as possible may help?
Seems fickle I know.

I believe the ONLY way through this for both of you is to have a tailored program with a SA Trained Psychologist.
Exposure therapy worked for me for many other forms of violence but I don't know which form of therapy would suit either of you.

The Legal Processes are difficult for people without the abuse you've suffered.
Repeating your story over and over again as my daughter's had to was extremely exposing for them, they've dealt with all sorts of extreme emotions. They could only begin to heal AFTER the processes were over.

HAVE HOPE for recovery. HOLD very strong that you WILL recover.

I'm VERY proud of you both fighting for your rights to be heard. Please get ALL the support you need and can access. Whatever and wherever you can get that support, get it. I'm SO glad you've both come here and shared so honestly with us all.

It's a privilege that you shared. I respect you both enormously.

Please know we will always be here in your journey of healing. More power to you both as you face the demons in Court.

Love Always
EM

[Anzee]

Rubybleu, I wrote a massive reply to you but I was distracted and when I came back into it it was gone 😩

[Anzee]

Rubybleu,

I’ll try again but cannot remember any of what I wrote earlier haha.

My family knew about my abuse, I told my mum when I was 11 or 12 and went to court and tried CASA but I only went a couple of times and hated it. Instead I completely rebelled, started drinking and smoking at a very young age and was also very promiscuous from a very young age up until I met my current partner. I very rarely enjoyed my sexual experiences as a teen and had some very negative experiences but I felt very unaffected by any of these experiences I just blocked it all out of my mind and never thought about them UNTIL the triggers recently started and since I just feel like I am being traumatised all over again and am so anxious and on edge and feel like I’m living in constant fear.

I have contacted my psychologist and organised an apt next week to learn some more coping and grounding strategies because I am really struggling with triggers at the moment.

I hate how much it affects our every day life and all of our relationships, it really doesn’t seem fair. I hope you have lots of support and that you and your partner can work through your issues and that all the court stuff ends for you soon, I don’t remember my court stuff, I got very very good at repressing all of my negative memories. I just feel like if I can just get back to the capacity to function in a normal way and be intimate with my partner again the big things would be a lot easier to work through because at least that would take the extra stress away.

[Anzee]

I have asked my partner a few times to talk to someone whether it be online by phone anything to give him support for supporting me haha and for his anger issues. At first he did refuse, then he said he’d go and see someone then he said maybe after covid and last week he actually reached out and spoke to someone on the BB webchat and that made me so happy, I finally felt like he was taking steps to make this easier too.

[Anzee]

Hey EM,

I love that you use your strength, knowledge and determination to help others, it’s such a beautiful gift to have.

And I love hearing your story because it gives me hope that I can get there too, but as I’m sure you know when you’re in the midst of it all it’s so hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, It does get easier by the week and the day sometimes BUT every time a new memory or trigger arises I feel like I’m back at square one! Constant anxiety and panic, feeling down and exhausted, isolating yourself and then feeling so alone, it feels never vending so it is so nice to hear people’s stories who have been through and made it out the other side. I cannot wait to one day feel like I am there.

[ecomama]

Hey Anzee

Know that many other people are reading your thread right now, without commenting.
So You also are giving others strength by being so HONEST and open about your journey!

You have ALREADY shown such strength and fortitude to survive terrible abuse.

I want you to hold on to these things:
* You WILL get better
* You CAN imagine a life where you are healed
* You WILL gain control over your memories taking over, they will still be there but will NOT have the emotional control over you they have now.
* You are present in your NOW, those events are in the past.

You're in the woods right now and getting ALL the support you can to deal with the Legal side is extremely important. It's hell on wheels.

What you describe about how you're doing, it seems clear to me that you have PTSD / C-PTSD.

THIS CAN BE HEALED. Let no one tell you otherwise.

Kristen Neff has done research on sufferers of PTSD.... I know the whole "self-care" thing seems SO fickle and "nothing" and not enough... I felt exactly the same! I fought that so called garbage and after I listened to Kristen Neff (thankyou Sleepy21!), I gave in.
I do do it now and it is part of my healing. Amongst many other things.

Ms Neff's research tells us that the ONE thing common in all PTSD patients that healed is self care.
The ONE thing absent in those that didn't is self-care.

You've done enough self-care to survive. We didn't learn how to take really good care of ourselves when we were young.

Now it's important to put self-care into full swing and with each thing you do for yourself, be grateful for your healing. You are healing YOURSELF.

You are NEVER alone.

We are with you all the way Anzee and RubyBleu.

Sending you TONS OF healing energy!
Love EM

[Anzee]

Well I did it!!! I had sex without having a panic attack 🎉🎉 I felt a bit shaky and uncomfortable afterwards but I made it through without having those feelings. I don’t know why or how but I’m guessing maybe talking about it and writing about it helped and made it feel a bit less scary and lonely 😊

I’m not going to rush to do it again but I’m taking it as an achievement.

[ecomama]

LOLOL CONGRATULATIONS Anzee!

You are so freaking awesome and you didn't even know!

Lol well done sweetheart.

Onwards and upwards.

EM