HELP Advice needed, my childhood sexual abuse is ruining my marriage

[Momma0f4]

Sorry ppl if it's so long,  when I was 15 my father forced me to chat to my 1st cousin, who I did not find attraction to at all. He was 11 yrs older than me and by 16 yrsold I was married overseas to my cousin and only my grandmother and 6yr old sister were with me so I had no say in the matter cause my father said to me' you have to marry him cause we can't tell every guy asking for your hand about what happen to you. But apparently my father told my cousin what happen and he still wanted to marry me. I never wanted it from the beginning and told my cousin that but I was scared and shy, then he started crying and begging me to marry him and I just kept remembering my father.Then when he arrived to Australia I told him again and my father no one would listen. Then we had the Australian wedding when I was 18. I was always unhappy and angry with my dad and everything and hated anyone touching me in any way, I never loved him and still don't . After I was married at18 we had 4 kids and the was always problems and still is today , I feel lost and still so much anger and resentment towards my father for not listening to me and now I've got 4 kids ages 10 , 8, 5, 3 and a half ,my 5yr old and 3 and a half old have autisumspectrum disorder. I'm 29 yrs old and still hate my husband touching me every time and I don't know what to do with my life and I feel selfish to break up my family but I'm drowning too it's upsetting and depressing and no one understands how I feel inside and at the moment I'm roll playing just to get by everyday I'm soooo confused wondering if I should stay for the kids or end it for good and have my kids hate me.

[Jacko777]

Hi momma0f4,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am glad that you have posted and I am sad to hear what you are going through.

Are you getting any mental heath support for yourself? I think this will help you a lot to separate the issues that you are dealing with so you can move forward with a plan that benefits you and your children. Perhaps you could ring the Beyond Blue phone service (number below) to get some professional advice on what to do next. I think with support you will find the strength to do what needs to be done, for your self and your family.

I know you are wanting to do what is right, I don't think you can role play for ever, it's not fair on you and I don't think your kids will hate you for trying to fix this. I guess you don't feel comfortable enough to talk about this with your husband?

You can talk as much as you want here, we are listening. I hope you might ring BB for some professional advice. Love to you.

Jack

[pipsy]

Hi MommaOf4.  How dreadful for you, forced into a relationship at 15 you neither want nor need.  Where is/was your mother?  Is she aware of the abuse you suffered?  Have you thought about contacting Rape Crisis?  The first and most important issue is the rape.  That is total violation.  The fact that your dad did nothing is disgusting.  Please don't self harm, don't punish your body.  You really need to get in touch with Rape Crisis.  You have so many issues with Autistic children, the violation of you.  The feeling of let down by your father.  I understand you hate everybody.  I think the biggest feeling is self loathing, that's coming across big time.  The self loathing comes from everything you've experienced.  You're 29, yet you've lived more of a lifetime than anyone half your age.  Keep in touch with BB, please contact Rape Crisis. 

All the best. 

[xyz]

While i am not quite in the same boat as you are. .. i know how it feels to be forced into a marriage and how it feels like when your with your husband but not being able to tell him exactly how you feel because you have to keep up appearnces with the family. 

I know exactly how you feel. What helps me through this is purely ignoring the physical part and just noticing all the other things that he does for me and the kids.  Make myself fall in love with him each day.  It's not the fairy tale story that we learnt about growing up. ... but it's a love story none the less.  The more you appreciate him the easier it gets.  

 Took me 8 years but I'm almost there. 

[MysticalCreature1]

Hi.. I am not married but have a partner & sex life is incredibly hard since I was Violently Raped.. I just freak out.. 😢😯..

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[pipsy]

Dear Mystical Creature.  You poor thing.  Sex must seem terrible since you were attacked.  Does your partner know you were violated?  You need to get in touch with rape crisis a.s.a.p.  Sex between partners/spouses is beautiful when there's love, but rape is control.  Please don't take the blame for this vile act.  The person who raped you, was he brought to justice?  Once you get past the feeling of violation that comes each time you and your partner have sex, you will start to enjoy what you have.  If you can talk to someone trained in this field, you will start to recapture your feelings of self worth.  With rape you lose all confidence in yourself as a worthwhile person.  Try and tell your partner (perhaps with a third impartial person present) what happened.  Hopefully, your partner will be loving and supportive.

If you can tell him with a trained counsellor present, this may help him understand why sex is so abhorrent to you. 

Please see a trained counsellor from rape crisis.

Best of luck.

[pipsy]

Hi xyz.  While I agree with you in theory.  The truth is, if you don't love someone to start with, the sex is difficult.  Also the other side of the coin is, what works for one doesn't always work for someone else.  We're all made differently, Mommaof4 is in a slightly different situation to you.  If you read her post, she mentions she was forced into a marriage even before she had matured fully.  At 14/15 we're still 'growing', finding where we belong.  It's good you were able to find love with your spouse.  I'm similar to Mommaof4 in that if I had been forced into a relationship of any kind at her age, I would've run a mile.  Mommaof4 may find happiness eventually with her spouse, but she needs to know she is living in a country where she still has freedom of choice.  Hopefully, she will get the help she needs to deal with the rape she endured.  I hope you are not offended by my reply, that is not my intention.  All I am saying is, no two people are the same.  The situations may seem similar, but the people aren't.