Letting go after an abusive relationship

[weatherboard]

Hi everyone, I joined this forum because I need someone to talk to. 

About six months ago I left an abusive relationship after two years together. My ex-boyfriend was extremely controlling and didn't like me leaving the house without him. I ended up giving up a lot of my friends and social activities because I didn't like fighting every single time I wanted to go somewhere without him. It got to the point where the only time I did anything on my own was when I went to my weekly orchestra rehearsal and that still wasn't enough for him, he wanted to come to that as well. When I refused we would have huge fights and he would make ridiculous statements like "Of course I would be happy if you did everything with me and I never saw my friends without you there". Of course, when I actually wanted to come along to something with his friends, he would make excuses about why I couldn't.

I had the opportunity to go to a weekend retreat organised by my work, and was really looking forward to getting to know some of my workmates better. When I told him about it he wanted to come, and I explained it was only for work people, and that many of my married colleagues would be there without their partners. He then told me I had enough friends so didn't need to go, and when I held firm and said I was going to go, he tried to make me promise not to drink alcohol. When I refused to promise this (I am a social drinker, whereas he would drink to the point of being drunk every single day), he got angry. I did go, but I spent the entire weekend crying and on the phone to him trying to convince him I wasn't cheating on him. 

I shared very intimate details about my past with him, including the fact that (while single) I once picked up a guy in a bar and had sex with him and how afterwards I hated myself for years for doing it. Instead of being understanding, he used this information against me as a reason not to trust me because "I'd done it before". 

Finally, there was one time when I said I would have sex with him. He spent the morning saying nasty things and making me feel bad about myself, so I told him I didn't want to have sex at that time because I was miserable. He got angry and started shouting about how I never want to have sex with him. Eventually I got sick of it and took my pants off and said "Do whatever you want". I was crying and thought it would make him realise how ridiculous he was being. Instead he started having sex with me, ignoring my sobbing and the fact that I was obviously in pain. 

None of these incidents was enough to make me leave him. I was embarrassed because I thought it would mean I was a failure at relationships. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't think they would believe me - he was always charming in group situations and the fact that he didn't like me doing anything alone meant I didn't have any of my own friends to talk to. Because of the isolation, he could usually twist anything around so that it was my fault completely (mostly due to my depression) and I believed him. 

Eventually I did end it and I am certain that it was the right thing to do. I immediately felt a huge sense of relief and have not even thought about getting back with him. I'm slowly coming to realise that I am able to drive and I'm not as fat as he said I was, and my world does not fall apart without him. 

The problem is that, even though I am happier on my own, I can't help dwelling on the relationship. I'm angry at him for treating me like this and I'm angry at myself for not leaving earlier. Every day I think about how bad it was and it makes me miserable, like I'm reliving it. I just can't seem to stop thinking about it or let it go. 

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and am taking medication and seeing a counsellor, all of which are helping, but I'm still really struggling. 

[S_A_D_]

Refocus your anger for him into pity. He clearly has a serious mental illness. I think it's paranoid delusional schizophrenia with obsessive compulsive tendencies, but that will be up to the doctors to decide. If you ever speak to him again (for example if you feel the need to look for him), be sure to emphasize his obvious illness, and the threat he represents.

So far you've done almost everything right, and nothing wrong, and by leaving him you may have saved your life. You can relax now, you're no longer in danger. Don't try so hard to let it go. You've been through a traumatic experience, and it is healthy to dwell on it for a while. This is a type of coping mechanism, and your counsellor should be helping you through this. This coping mechanism can work in your favour too. The experience is fresh in your mind, ready for you to evaluate and analyse. This may accelerate your recovery AND may help you identify and avoid people who behave in a similar way around you in the future. If you do nothing about this now all that pain you went through was for nothing. He may even try to use your new independence to make you feel lonely, then convince you to get back with him, unless you're armoured with a self-defence strategy.

[Pixie15]

Hi Weatherboard, Try not to be so angry with yourself. It is not your fault. Emotional manipulators take advantage of good people. If you were not trying to do the right thing by your ex you would not of conceded as much as you did. If you are dwelling on the relationship it could be because your emotions and intellect are out of sync. It may help you to spend some time understanding grief as a process. Something like the Kubler-Ross stages of grief may help. I am glad for you that you had the good sense not to allow yourself to be socially isolated. Hope these thoughts help. Best wishes, Chris09.

[mesophiaanika]

I hope this is okay to put this here but anyway here it goes 🙂

I am at a loss as to why I cant seem to let go what my ex did to me and is still doing to me, I am so confused our relationship ended finally in Oct 2012, I always knew there was something wrong with him, while he was taking me to court for our daughter we had to go to a psychologist and I found out he had 3 mental issues, factious disorder, a personality disorder and some other one, the psychologist put on there that he cant have any parental responsibility because he will how I understand it brainwash her into his way of thinking yet said her could spend 2hrs unsupervised with her, I feel like I have let her down in a big way as she comes back saying she is sick or she is fat, I hate it but nothing I can do about it accept drag her to the contact center. Every time I take her or he rings her I feel so useless and pathetic that I cant protect my daughter maybe my ex was right maybe I should ve aborted her when he said because I shouldnt be a mum I dunno. Im sorry no one needs to hear my pathetic trivial problems as I am sure there is someone out there worse off then me

[geoff]

dear Mesophiaanika, please never ever feel as though your concern is trivial, because when anyone comes to this site to look, to reply or to post their problem it's taken as serious matter, that's the intention of setting up Beyond Blue.

Having an abortion is another issue where the pro's and con's would be discussed, so I'm not entering into this at the moment.

Are you able to contest that he is not capable of looking after your daughter 'unsupervised' and that he needs to be monitored when he is seeing her, because what he is doing isn't good for the mental health of your daughter.

Love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[mesophiaanika]

I have tried by recording his phone call to her as he says alot on there and threatens us but nothing is done, I have no faith whatsoever in the justice system it took me over 2 years to get away and I went to the police countless times and the turned me away, one time I called 000 and they told me it wasn't an emergency and since leaving I have had the police at my house countless times due to him ringing and saying stuff about me and my partner as soon as I answer the door they say we know he is a dick head, yet they were still coming out every time he called them and everytime I call even since leaving I get into trouble by saying it isn't urgent you may think I'm over exaggerating but I had the one that's in charge ring me and tell me to stop calling unless I had proof yet they don't need proof when it comes to him calling its so stupid. I put it down as I'm only a woman. The thing is he has had no interest in her since she was born and when I leave he all of a sudden has interest its not fair to her being used as a way to hurt me and yes I am happy to say I despise him, but at the same time I want to let it go but for some reason I cant.

thanks Geoff

[mesophiaanika]

Hi Geoff,

I forgot to put that he was being supervised and they were constantly picking up on him saying the wrong things to her and it was even put in there report so I cant work it out myself.

[geoff]

dear Mesophiaanika, have you approached the superviser's and spoken to them if he should be seeing your daughter after he is saying the wrong things to her, because it mustn't be good for her. L Geoff. x

[mesophiaanika]

Yes and its been brought up in court, I think they just wanted him out of their hair , he abused my lawyer over the phone. I am going t be bringing it up again with the contact center again on Friday, because her behavior is going down hill fast and she is losing weight where he keeps telling her she is fat . But I don't think they will listen they never do

[sherbi]

Your story resonates with me. I am just about to leave an abusive relationship.  I feel scared and have no one to talk to.  I too have lost any friendships due to this relationship. 

We moved in together a couple of months ago into a house we rent together but almost didn't due to a massive argument that got out of control.  I hid his keys so he wouldn't leave and run back to his wife from whom he is separated that he always does.  He went crazy too.  I was prepared to leave him that night.  He promised things the next day that i believed and we moved from my home into the rental.  

He has broken these promises. Has told me he doesn't care and wanted to break up.  I pleaded with him to stay and give it a shot but we both must try.  Things improved slightly.  Yesterday it has come to a head.  I had swapped with my ex to have my kids that night and he would take them instead Sunday.  I know my partner hates my kids and is very controlling telling me they aren't welcome in our house except on my allocated nights.  He'd known for a week I'd made these arrangements.  

Anyway Friday night i went out to dinner with a girlfriend.  He was welcome to come but changed his mind.  When i didn't get home til 11pm he cracked it an accused me of being unfaithful.  So Saturday he comes home from work with his children. First thing he does is swear at my children in front of his and a friend of my children. Scared them all and I ended up calling the police. 

I left with my kids and i feel shocked and awful this morning.  I want him to show me all the love he did at the beginning of our relationship but i know that is denial.  I know for whatever reason he just doesn't care anymore.  I know he will run to his ex and make out like I'm the lunatic.  I know i need to leave this toxic relationship for me and my kids.  But emotionally i am so upset but can't cry.

I guess i take one day at a time.  He is the person i have expressed my deepest secrets to. The one i speak to everyday.  I will be lonely without him as i have no one left. 

How do i find my strength again.  Why have i allowed this to happen to my life.  Why is he not the person i know he can be. .  I guess cause he doesn't care.   That's hard to accept as we both left our marriages to be with each other.  

Just feeling lost.