Letting go after an abusive relationship

[weatherboard]

Hi everyone, I joined this forum because I need someone to talk to. 

About six months ago I left an abusive relationship after two years together. My ex-boyfriend was extremely controlling and didn't like me leaving the house without him. I ended up giving up a lot of my friends and social activities because I didn't like fighting every single time I wanted to go somewhere without him. It got to the point where the only time I did anything on my own was when I went to my weekly orchestra rehearsal and that still wasn't enough for him, he wanted to come to that as well. When I refused we would have huge fights and he would make ridiculous statements like "Of course I would be happy if you did everything with me and I never saw my friends without you there". Of course, when I actually wanted to come along to something with his friends, he would make excuses about why I couldn't.

I had the opportunity to go to a weekend retreat organised by my work, and was really looking forward to getting to know some of my workmates better. When I told him about it he wanted to come, and I explained it was only for work people, and that many of my married colleagues would be there without their partners. He then told me I had enough friends so didn't need to go, and when I held firm and said I was going to go, he tried to make me promise not to drink alcohol. When I refused to promise this (I am a social drinker, whereas he would drink to the point of being drunk every single day), he got angry. I did go, but I spent the entire weekend crying and on the phone to him trying to convince him I wasn't cheating on him. 

I shared very intimate details about my past with him, including the fact that (while single) I once picked up a guy in a bar and had sex with him and how afterwards I hated myself for years for doing it. Instead of being understanding, he used this information against me as a reason not to trust me because "I'd done it before". 

Finally, there was one time when I said I would have sex with him. He spent the morning saying nasty things and making me feel bad about myself, so I told him I didn't want to have sex at that time because I was miserable. He got angry and started shouting about how I never want to have sex with him. Eventually I got sick of it and took my pants off and said "Do whatever you want". I was crying and thought it would make him realise how ridiculous he was being. Instead he started having sex with me, ignoring my sobbing and the fact that I was obviously in pain. 

None of these incidents was enough to make me leave him. I was embarrassed because I thought it would mean I was a failure at relationships. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't think they would believe me - he was always charming in group situations and the fact that he didn't like me doing anything alone meant I didn't have any of my own friends to talk to. Because of the isolation, he could usually twist anything around so that it was my fault completely (mostly due to my depression) and I believed him. 

Eventually I did end it and I am certain that it was the right thing to do. I immediately felt a huge sense of relief and have not even thought about getting back with him. I'm slowly coming to realise that I am able to drive and I'm not as fat as he said I was, and my world does not fall apart without him. 

The problem is that, even though I am happier on my own, I can't help dwelling on the relationship. I'm angry at him for treating me like this and I'm angry at myself for not leaving earlier. Every day I think about how bad it was and it makes me miserable, like I'm reliving it. I just can't seem to stop thinking about it or let it go. 

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and am taking medication and seeing a counsellor, all of which are helping, but I'm still really struggling. 

[Neil_1]

Hi there sherbi

Welcome to Beyond Blue and wowee, you’ve been doing it tough for a fair while now, but moreover, especially over the last couple of months.

Swearing in front of children and scaring them is never on – so much so that you had to call the police.

When you say you left with the kids;    are you now not in the rental place and that he is there alone?   If that is the case, how do you feel about having or being able to go back there;  to like collect things, clothes, toys, etc?    Are you able to take someone along with you when you go to do that?

You say, you know he will run to his ex, etc – well, so what?   If that’s the way it is, then he certainly doesn’t sound like he’s overly committed to you and your relationship.

I think you hit the nail right on the head when you said that you think he doesn’t care, to me that sounds 100% correct.

How do you find your strength again?   Sherbi, I reckon your strength is well and truly there – with all that you’re written and by you up and leaving, that would take a phenomenal amount of strength to be able to do that, that is huge.   And once this period has passed and settled, you’ll find that your strength can then be diverted and used to help in other area – at least that’s what I’m feeling about this situation.

I’ll send this off now and do hope to hear from you again.

Neil

[SanAllflower]

Hi,

Your story resonates with mine 98%..I m trying to let go but I feel emptiness in the pit of my stomach as If the past 3 years I spent loving him had gone to waste.It very hard for me.His abusing has made me anxious because I do not understand why he does that to make me feel characterless.I wanted to marry him, I miss having a man in my life but I know I would not want him back because he messed my mind.And, yes he was married and ran back to his family.

But he had brainwashed me so much into his way of thinking that I used to feel safer with him, the world was big and bad out there and he was going to give me all the attention i needed, I should not be socially normal.

He left me but he left me broken.I had anxiety before and maybe mild depression but now it has compounded many fold due to his verbal abusing.

What I fail to understand is that why did he show his love and care to me.And if he was a fake person but according to him he is right and I m a slut.

Maybe I have mental issues of my own but I never cheated on him.But he tells me that even talking to some one online to seek help for depression is cheating.

[SOMETHING_IS_WRONG]

Congratulations to you!! for leaving that abusive relationship. it takes courage and I wish I had your courage back 21 years ago. My hubby calls me names the "C" word is his favourite, im dumb etc, you left the right time, i'm so proud of you. I wish I did the same!! I lost all my friends as he was jealous, male & female, I even lost part of my family, he is sooo controlling its unbelievable No one would believe it! He manipulates everything!

[foreigner_in_AU]

Hi there,

I am sorry to hear your story.

I was in an abusive same sex relationship for a short time and I decided to end it.

Your story is very very very similar to mine, I cannot tell you how similar is.

He is s sociopath, please google it and read as much as you can.

You need to have absolutely NO CONTACT with this person, otherwise, you won't heal, believe me, I am going through this.

Keep safe and look forward, do not go back with him.

take care

T