He was my friend.

[_T_]

Hello everyone,

Its weird to be typing this because I've locked this away, even from myself just trying to get through the days but why should I be ashamed...I was the one who was raped.

The details don't matter because a lot of people have experienced that and re-hashing that is pointless i guess. I just want to talk to someone who knows this pain!

Im 20 and now see every man as a threat and I hate that! I love men, they are such wonderful creatures but my whole body is stained with the reminder of one night.

So please feel free to share your stories and maybe together we can find a happier tomorrow

sincerely,

.T.

[Just Sara]

Hi T and welcome;

It's never easy to speak to someone who's been raped. No-one can understand the trauma of complete helplessness and powerlessness unless they've been through it themselves. And yes; I have.

I'm 56 and am still being triggered now and then by situations where I feel at risk around a man. I was raped by the love of my life when I was 21; we lived together.

The most important advice I can give you is; do not blame yourself! It wasn't your fault. Searching through your mind for answers as to 'why' it happened will create a life long struggle internally.

The only people who know why are rapists. End of story. It doesn't matter what clothes you wore or if you were kissing or if your cleavage was showing. Rape isn't about sex; it's about power. The people who do these things are abusers of other peoples rights and boundaries. They're parasites and villains.

Coming onto this site and asking for help is courageous and worthy of praise. I admire you for talking about it at such a young age. I wish I had your spirit when it happened to me. But to be honest, there wasn't any support or avenues to recovery programs back then. I hope you have some professional support. There's a Rape Crisis Support Line in each state for times of anxiety or flashbacks for instance.

The other advice I have, is to acknowledge the dark side in people too. I had a habit of always seeing and trusting the good in people and it blinded me to the reality of who they were. I've learned to protect myself by listening and observing. People need to earn trust and admiration. Just because they're charming or handsome, it doesn't mean they're not flawed within.

A friend once told me; "The best way to get to see a man's ability to cope with anger, is to make him drive through peak hour traffic on a deadline" Just observe...it's very telling.

I wish you well in your recovery T...Kind thoughts...Dizzy

[Cornstarch]

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I am not able to give it the attention it deserves until later this evening as Malcolm Turnbull has told me to go to work until I am 70. I get a tea break tonight and will be able to reciprocate then.

I concur with Dizzy. At 20 I was not ready to talk to anyone outside if immediate family so you are amazing. You can say as little or as much as you like. Don't let anyone ever pressure you to disclose anything except in a way that is suited to you and your own unique context and personality. We all have to titrate trauma in our own ways just to cope, and you're the only person that truly knows how you are travelling on the inside.

There are times in life to keep lids on little boxes in the mind and there are times to take them off. Only you can gauge if the timing is right.

Take care

[Cornstarch]

Hey there T.

Every sexual assault occurs inside of a context. And that context is your life. The context has just as much to bear on the outcome as does the incident itself. So without knowing anything about your upbringing and your life as it is today, what I say may not be applicable to you.

Not every case is the same and nor should they be compared. Sexual abuse survivors are masterful at comparing their abuse, because they are hoping to minimise their pain. “But he/she has had it worse than me”, means you never have to face it. You get to bury it, but often the pain comes out sideways. Pain going sideways can get very messy, just watch the news or turn on the radio.

Minimising pain delays coming to terms with the reality. Reality can be too much. I dropped out of Uni at your age and took off. I didn’t need a degree I needed therapy. That, and financial autonomy to wipe my hands of an abusive parent. Because when you move out the only way that middle class parents can control you is via their pocket.

To come to terms with reality you must be supported. With a sexual assault the support may have to be long-term unless your needs are met by family/partner/friends. Not everyone has to pay copious amounts of money to complete strangers, they have parents that are emotionally available. I certainly hope you do, I do not want to live in a world where people do not.

Rape is a heavy subject. Even too heavy for us at times. Some people you speak with, their heads may spin. Can you blame them? I can’t. Who wants to think about rape. And their own stress response will be activated just thinking about it. So you may misinterpret them as being uncaring when they are just simply shocked and feeling helpless themselves.

[Cornstarch]

I reply again T. but it hasn't been let through.

[geoff]

hello .T., please excuse me for replying as obviously I'm a male but I detest it when I hear of a female being physically abused by rape, because it sickens me and makes me feel that your personal boundaries have been grossly interfered with.
I can't profess that I could put myself into your shoes and feel the pain as well as the violation that you are suffering from, the complete anger, guilt, embarrassment and certainly flashbacks that could happen at any time, and it would be so difficult to talk to anyone about what has happened, maybe with people questioning whether or not it actually happened, and once this is said only makes you close up and hold these terrible thoughts to yourself, but by doing this only prolongs the pain you are trying to cope with.
I don't want to go into this too deep at the moment until you want to discuss it further, but I hope that this fellow has been charged by the court.

My sincere sympathy for you as well as those above who have had this unlawful act happen to them as well. Geoff. x

[Fairywings]

Hi there lovely and welcome. I was just 8 yrs old when my first cuz on my mum's side of the family decided he would fiddle with me it then go so out of hand to penetration. I think that was just after my 9th birthday. He was 19 at the time the abuse went on for 5 horrid years. I didn't tell anyone until i was in my late 20s bc he threatened to make me dissappear of ib told anyone so i never did and when i finally got the courage to do so in a bid to stop him controlling me i was looked upon as the bad one and still am till day. I'm not too worried bc i have come such a long way that he will get his day one day karma is such a lovely thing xx glad to have shared my story with you and I'm so sorry it happened to you none of us deserve to be at the hands of these animals xx take care of your self Venessa

[Just Sara]

Hi Geoff;

I often read your lovely posts and am in awe of your sensitivity towards members. What you've written here is very supportive and might I say; really nice to hear from a man. Sexual abuse and rape don't just happen to girls. Statistics state it's 50-50 in terms of 'childhood' sexual abuse. Adult rape trends towards females. So hearing support from a man is indeed wonderful...thankyou.

Hi Fairywings and Cornstarch;

I've read through your stories and supportive words to T. It always amazes me how many different types of hellish experiences are told re this extremely sensitive issue. You're both as courageous as can be to voice your pain also.

The thing I do hear a lot of the time, is how the adults in our lives forget we were once children, and judge us as fellow adults after we disclose. We were little girls/boys or young adolescents torturing ourselves with secrets so big and painful for years and even decades. And; when we finally do come out and share our memories, we sometimes end up having to cope with either a lack of empathy or being called names.

But what I can say, is that not disclosing our secrets is far worse because it eats away at our hearts and minds like a cancer. I refuse to allow my tormentors to have the last say. When I was 35 I shed (one of) my secrets and refused to have my (childhood) rapist in my life anymore. Some family members still have him around their children and this makes me sick, but they've made an informed choice.

Sometimes we can feel so alone, having to carry this terrible burden, but there is always help on the phone or online from professionals who care and want us to live a quality life. I call often...confused and in agonising pain. They are my mentors and angels who keep me going when my psychologist isn't able to see me.

T...I've noticed you haven't responded to our posts. It would be nice if you pop in and let us know you're ok. I hope things are going well for you.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy x

[geoff]

hi Dizzy, thanks for your reply, I also wanted to add but I decided not to in my previous reply, because it certainly has no bearing to the sadness that all of you have said, however there was a time where I was raped by someone I had no feeling for or any intention of wanting a relationship with.
I do understand that most men would say 'aren't you lucky', but no I didn't feel that at all, I felt violated, but that load I carry is nothing to what you girls have had to go through, because to rape a girl is horrendeous and it's something which you have to carry with you forever.
You may be able to put it to one side but there will be continual memories that haunt you, and that I'm so sorry for. Geoff.

[Cornstarch]

Thank-you for your lovely words Dizzy. Childhood rape is a very heavy topic. I am completely aware that discussing it can clear rooms very very quickly. Who wants to walk around thinking & talking about child abuse. Certainly not me, but I get no choice. It comes to a point in your life when you have to take some power back. I realised that the only way I have even the slightest chance of surviving this is becoming somewhat comfortable with the residual emotions, feelings and body sensations of deep deep shame and humiliation that has stolen so much of my life.

So I thought I better walk the talk and on my second day I went into work and told the Executive of a very large organisation that has roughly 15,000 employees. My manager was on six weeks paternity leave so I had to go higher. After picking her head up from the ground that was left spinning, I knew in my heart that all this shame and humiliation is just residual muck that has to come out somehow, and in fact this person in front of me today had the utmost respect for me. She started to cry and I felt bad. The other Executives now know so I'm sure when they see me walk in the door they feel dreadful and are appalled at this crime too.

Some days I hate being known as rape girl, but I have a high pain threshold and someone has to carry the flag for the Sista-hood.

Peace.