He was my friend.

[_T_]

Hello everyone,

Its weird to be typing this because I've locked this away, even from myself just trying to get through the days but why should I be ashamed...I was the one who was raped.

The details don't matter because a lot of people have experienced that and re-hashing that is pointless i guess. I just want to talk to someone who knows this pain!

Im 20 and now see every man as a threat and I hate that! I love men, they are such wonderful creatures but my whole body is stained with the reminder of one night.

So please feel free to share your stories and maybe together we can find a happier tomorrow

sincerely,

.T.

[Just Sara]

My dear Geoff;

I openly cried when I read your post. Sharing this obviously painful experience must've been hard. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for a man to disclose such a tragic life event. How brave you are!

What hit me the most from your words, was the way you compared your situation with that of a woman. Please be assured each and every experience is so personal and individual. Feeling helpless and powerless, and the shame and guilt associated with rape, cannot be compared. It just can't. I'm trying to catch my breath after thinking about the issues you must've faced, and probably still are. A man's pain is no greater or less than that of a woman.

I wish I could reach in and give you a warm and comforting hug. Each of us that have posted here, are championing our recovery through our words and disclosures. Yours as a man, may be more important than you think. Someone on this site will read it and be forever changed through your courage...bloody good on you Geoff.

Good on all of us!

Cornstarch...you seem to be in a very angry and confusing place. I hope you have some good support with family/friends, psych and resources. (Eg...Rape Crisis Line) Disclosing your experience to people can feel empowering, but calling yourself 'the rape girl' is self defeating and belittling. Please be your greatest ally.

Wanting others to feel for you is part of the process of recovery that needs to be treated with care. It can turn very quickly. Exposing the inner sanctum of your pain needs to be done in a safe and familiar environment where you have some control. I hope you understand, that others may be triggered by their own experiences when you talk about your situation. I don't want to sound negative. But reading what Geoff had to say after we all shared is a good example of this.

I hope all goes well CS...Dizzy xo

[Cornstarch]

Sorry Dizzy you have completely misinterpreted what I have written because you are unfamiliar with my context. Every sexual assault occurs inside of a context. The context being my life. All the anger that I have ever felt has been completely rational unexpressed outrage. My clinical psychologist thinks that I'm not angry enough. She wants me to really get in there with it and start expressing it. Without the shame of feeling it in the first place.

I didn't tell my Executive to smear her with the intimate details as some sought of grandiose self indulgent gesture expecting her to carry my pain. I had to t disclose that I have PTSD to remain employed. Vomiting at work when you're not pregnant needs explanation.

When some-one asks "why do you have PTSD?", do I lie, and increase my anxiety even further, and quit. How many jobs should I leave, 5, 10, 30 or 50? She was upset that I didn't disclose at interview and has been amazing.

I thought Beyond Blue was meant to encourage people to remain employed and socially connected versus socially isolated.

[Just Sara]

Good morning again Cornstarch;

I'm so sorry if I came across as curse or off the mark. BB forum is a safe place for people to talk, and posts are from people young and old who suffer or deal with the affects of mental health issues. We aim to help or be helped directly or inadvertently through the different subjects and threads. We're not professionals.

My greatest concern was the way you spoke about yourself and how you said others probably thought about you. I didn't realise PTSD and your interview was the reason you disclosed to your boss, you only said you told her and she cried, you didn't say why. I hope this misunderstanding doesn't stop you from posting here. I do apologise for any wrong-doing on my part.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy

[Chris_B]

Hi everyone,

This is such a powerful thread. The trauma of sexual assault affects people so differently. In this discussion we have seen feelings of guilt, shame, anger, defiance, and that's just internally. There's also how to cope with the reactions of others when disclosing what has happened to you, the fear of being labelled or judged, having your experience compared to others, and feeling responsible for making others feel terrible. There are so many aspects to all of this, and sometimes we'll disagree on how best to cope with it all - that's ok too.

I want to thank everyone for opening up and sharing their experiences in here. It will be helpful to so many, including many hundreds who will be reading this and not posting. If this discussion has brought up uncomfortable feelings for you, please feel free to post about them here, or give our support service a call if you'd rather do this one-on-one and offline.

[Cornstarch]

Corn Dog concurs with Christopher.

Sorry about the typos and spelling mistakes.

I had to put in at least one for $%^&*(^^^. There's nothing that grates her nerves more than grammatical/english errors during passionate pleas.

[Just Sara]

Thankyou so much Chris;

Your post brought me to tears and reminded me of how hard I can be on myself at times. Yes, this thread is indeed a powerful one that will resonate with many who read it. The issues you spoke of hit home on every level for me, and this I think is a good thing. The observations of others can be just as powerful as our own ability to disclose and discuss those aspects of our lives. Reading your post helped me to identify, as you said, an issue waiting to be freed from my traumatised and wounded soul.

When I read Cornstarch's hurt reply, it made me feel absolutely awful. To think I'd caused another survivor of rape to feel bad, got to me deeply. I've been an overly empathetic person all my life, trying to save my sisters, my Nan, my mum, and all who I 'felt' for. The worst of all was my little boy; looking into his 2 yr old face after he suffered at the hands of a mongrel no good bastard, was about the most dis-empowering moment of my existence. I realise now I've never recovered and have tried to undo the helplessness of that moment by trying to help others. But...I can't save the world!

I've spent hours on my deck crying and grieving with what felt like a dying heart...broken so many times I wonder how I've survived. I've been so busy focusing on the pain of others, I've failed in taking care of my real needs; specifically my own physical heart. My home wreaks of items used to numb the pain; sugary, fatty low nutritional food and beverages. Cigarettes and coffee are my main drugs of choice. I guess in life we act out what ails us internally. I've been killing myself slowly trying to overcome my broken heart, and inadvertently have been breaking my physical heart.

It's time I stopped running from 'me'; just stop, and give to me what I've been trying to give to others and get the life back that was stripped from me so many times.

I am humbly grateful to all here who've posted. I understand now, the most valuable thing I can do for others, is be the best 'me' I can be...living by example.

My best to you all...Dizzy xo

[Fairywings]

Thanks for ur kind words sweetheart and big hugs to you for being so brave as well for sharing xx just remember this the shit we sexual abuse survivors go thru in life doesn't and will never allow us to be broken once more bc we become stronger and therefore unbreakable 😙😙

[Cornstarch]

No offence taken at all Dizzy! My god!

Please don’t cry on your deck for me, if anything cry on your deck for you! You are so worthy of those tears and taking time out to acknowledge and respect what was lost. I wish I could be there with you in a communal grieving session. But alas it is 2016 and we are but single blobs of deep sadness in little boxes with no communal recognition of loss. What a strange world we have created. Often at sunset I light a candle for all the kids out there trapped in torture chambers of child abuse and try to send them love, however futile that is.

Even if for arguments sake there had been offence taken, I would have been Ok! And the reality is that
at the end of the day if I am OK, or not OK comes down to me.

There is only so much collaboration a girl can do with her rape. I can exercise, eat right, sleep well, converse with friends, go to my clinical psychologist, go to my GP do all the things your meant to do, and yet still
have those days when you fall to your knees and ball your eyes out.

Let’s face it babe. Those days are really a return to the act itself and the deepest loneliness a person can ever feel.

It was just me and him that dark night.

And it was just you and him during all of yours.

No-one else was there.

No-one else saw it (in my case they did, but let's just forget that tonight).

But it felt like the entire world was in on it. It truly is the perfect crime. Undeveloped babes stolen in the night with biological processes that favour the perpetrator. No evidence to be found.

Possibly other people at home who have not experienced childhood sexual assault are alarmed at the thought of you crying, but for me I am relieved. After all these years the shock has finally lifted and you can truly see once
and for all that your innate so called ‘badness’ was a load of rubbish, and nothing more than the sickness of a paedophilic monster.

It’s the internet for god’s sake! Of course posts can be misinterpreted. Let’s get rid of this internet and go back to chatting down the Milo tins instead. Milo is not gluten free so I cannot partake in awful inflammatory processes because I will itch. But if it was you would be the first person I’d call.

Contact Nestle and ask them. Who do these frogs think they are? Get with the times Frenchy French.

Sending you white light and love Dizzy.

Keep crying as long as you need to girl. I’m relived you are.

I will too.

Better out than in.

[Just Sara]

It's ok CS...what happened actually prompted some healing for me. 'For every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose...under heaven'

Dear Geoff;

I hope you have a chance to read an earlier post I did in response to your disclosure. It meant a lot to me.

Dear Fairywings;

Thankyou dear girl...unbreakable we is!

Kind and heartfelt thoughts...Dizzy xo

[Fairywings]

Anytime Sweetheart 😘👭