Had enough... feel like giving up. VERY COMPLEX PTSD

[Hope3110]

I’ve always experienced anxiety and depression from years of sexual, emotional and physical abuse. I grew up in a house where my dad was an alcoholic and was violent towards my mum. When I was 6 years old I was first sexually abused by my neighbour. Then my grandfather for 20 years. Then witnessed a sexual assault on My friend and sexual abuse for me. Another 3 of 4 episodes of this. And I sought help from VOCAT and did PTSD counselling.

but the last 12 months of my life have been the worst of my life and it keeps getting worse I’m starting to think it’s me.

my depression and anxiety was getting better. Until my mum (the one person I could talk to about anything ) got diagnosed with a stage 4 brain cancer. She was given 12-18 months later. She died 6 months after I took her into hospital. 3 days after my mums diagnosis my Aunty commit suicide. A month later my grandfather who had been sexually abusing me my whole life died, I had to take my mum to see him, because she was sick. First time I had seen him in years then I got stuck planning the funeral. My mum got married to her partner of 20 years but my brother tried to commit suicide 2 days after the ceremony. We spent my mums last birthday in the psych ward. Then my mum went into a coma just before Christmas (all this while working and looking after mum) then she died a couple day’s after Christmas. After my my mum died everything got harder. My brother went out of control again (he has a drug addiction) he believed we murdered my mum and she never had brain cancer. He tried suicide again and has had another stint in the psych ward.

we hadn’t heard from my Aunty in NZ did a welfare check and she had passed away of some kind of cancer that affected her scalp and eye. So I had to tell my dad and grandma.

then last night my step dad had a fall and seriously injured himself. I was up all night at the hospital and I’m really stressed. I’m over COVID. I’m having multiple issues at work. I don’t know what to do anymore.

im on medication, I’m seeing a

psychologist and my GP every week; but it’s the fact something new keeps happening. Plus I’m turning 30 soon and I haven’t achieved anything in my Life. I’m starting to want to stop trying I feel like all these bad things are happening as I must have done something wrong.

someone please help give me

Advice I know I’d be ok if I wasn’t constantly having issues but it’s out of my control.

it’s all circumstantial.

thanks xoxo sorry for the rant

[Sophie_M]

Hi Hope3110,

Thanks for reaching out tonight. We're sorry to hear that you've had such a long and difficult journey. We understand that these experiences would leave you with a lot to cope with. It sounds as though you have achieved quite a lot in working and caring for your mother. You have had much more than most people to overcome, and we think you are so strong.

It's good to hear that you are seeing a psychologist every week. As you feel that things are being exacerbated by the pandemic, we'd encourage you to visit our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. Please also know that there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include:  

•  Lifeline - 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) 
•  Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467

Hopefully a few of our welcoming community members will pop by to welcome you and offer some words of support and advice. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this tough time.
 

[Nimi]

Hi Hope, don't feel you have to apologise for ranting or anything. We are here for you and I am so terribly sorry to hear about how tough things have been ongoing.

I wanted to comment to say please, love yourself. You are worth compassion and love and respect. Do not blame yourself for things that are beyond your control. You have made it so far, never discount your value. I hope that this post cheers you up a tiny bit, even the smallest amount, please do not give up on yourself! Just talking about all of this is a hugely courageous feat.

I echo Sophie, please feel free to respond if you feel comfortable. I wish you all the best. Please take care!! You are worth so much! ♥️

[Helen72]

Hi Hope,

Wow just wow. You've had so much going on in the last year it's amazing you can still reach out.

IT'S NOT YOU. Sometimes shit just happens. That was not a rant but just you summarising a really really bad year.

I'm glad you're getting some help but feel free to post here too.

Helen

[Veldelmar]

Oh Hope, you are not ranting. You have been through the ringer. Your complex is like my complex, and everyone's complex.... complex. You have been served this huge plate that someone expects you to finish (you...) and there is no way you can gorge it all. It just won't fit.

I have been going through some nasty crap, especially with all the alone time during covid, and found coming here and having people that understand has really helped my process. Being involved in as many conversations as I can has helped me process some of my own thoughs and feelings. Go easy on yourself, it is hard, but you are strong, and you are brave, and you are still going. You are reaching out, you are working with professionals. If you haven't seen a psychiatrist to be properly diagnosed and medicated accordingly it might be time to consider that as an option and advocate for yourself to do so.

Something that I've talked to my GP about is that I mask, and I do it so well that the people that know me best don't even realise that I'm doing it. They think everything is fine with me and I'm very not fine. I've finally realised I need to tell someone my truths, all of them and I wrote a dot-point letter for her to read and decide what to do with. I feel that you've lost your outlet that has kept you afloat for a very long time, and that is so bloody hard to cope with. I described my loss of outlet as the christmas pressies that you bought way to many off and stack them in the closet to hide, but there are so many that when you open the door and they start falling back out.

The christmas pressies represent all the issues, delimmas, trials, and abuse that I managed to package up and put away. I have some really good close friends, but never felt I could burden them with my burdens. I'm the strong one that holds everyone else up and now my pressies are spilling out all over the floor. Your mom was your package receipiant and now you're backed up. You can still talk to her though, whispers at night, letters that you can toss/burn/destroy, quiet meditations. It's not a solution but it might help you with the packages, while you work with your professionals.

But most of all, you aren't alone - you are heard, seen, felt, and understood. You are strong and brave. You have community to stand with. We are all here if and when you need us. You can share anything you need to and not share anything you don't want to. You are still the amazing you.

Be kind to yourself - Michele.

[ecomama]

Dear Hope, omg what a series of nightmares, you darling girl. Hugest hugs.

THANK YOU for coming here and telling us! Please write your sweet heart out, as much as you want to.
People here DO understand. And you will always get support here.

If we could please press the PAUSE button on the crappiest crap, we would! It's about darn time this stopped in your life.

You've had freight trains full and all before you're 30. I'm so sorry for all your losses, especially the sad loss of your mum, for the disgusting abuse you suffered for so darned long, then facing the abuser omg, for the waves of other crap you've had to deal with. No wonder you're struggling.

Hope, you will get through this. You've achieved SO FREAKING MUCH dealing with all of this and STILL stay STANDING.

Your strength is incredible.

You can phone 1800RESPECT and get put through to a trauma psych. They can search for Specialist Trauma Psychologists in your area. It really doesn't matter if they're in your area or not atm, most are still via phone or zoom. But one close by for afterwards may help. I did all this recently. Victim Services may help.

Your brother may need support, but whilst he's being combative / aggressive and full of misguided blame, I'd do Low Contact or No Contact, whilst you try to put yourself first for once. If he's using drugs then boy this is out of your expertise area - it all is there, in my estimation.

Other aged care supports are out there for your injured step dad. If you phone 1800RESPECT they can point you in the direction of who to call for Health and Community supports for him. Usually a Community Nurse can do all this with his permission. This is way above your head to take on, whilst you put yourself first.

Yes. as Michele said, be kind to yourself. Say no a lot more to people asking you for help.

Oxygen on self first. This is time for you now, to get the best support you can and to heal from all this abuse and grief.

You've made super human achievements in your lifetime. I admire your strength, resilience, patience and love through the worst that life can throw at you.

More hugs.
EM

[Hope3110]

Thank you 💕

[Hope3110]

Thank you 💕

[Hope3110]

Thank you 💕

[Hope3110]

Thank you 💕