Growing up too fast! *warning possible triggers*

[Solosombra]

All suffering in my life stems from my own incompetence...

This was the line feed to me the first time I was sexualy abused by my uncle at 12, I didn't understand it at the time but that moment has stuck with me throughout my life, he explained that if I were stronger or less ' gull able " that this would never have happened! Personally I believe this to be the occasion that changed my life and ended my childhood.

A year later and its time to go too my uncles house again for new years, my body breaks out into a sweat and I struggle too keep the contents of my stomach down as I think about the things he said and did.

At the time I wanted to scream in protest that I never want to go back there but the threat he made about my little brother and sister being next if I told anyone stopped me. I couldn't chance it even if he was bluffing I didn't want my siblings going through this too so I soldiered on in silence trying to get through the night without running into him

100 people would have been there easily so it wasn't to hard to disappear into the crowd of people once we got there and I was heading straight to my cousin Abel . older then me I knew he would have alcohol stashed away for later so I went and bought some off him with the money I earnt from work.

First time drunk I stumbel out of the car me and my cousin were drinking laughing I sneak to the shed were Abel had stashed the liquor. "Ah welp there you are* my uncles voice snaps me out of my drunken state as I ready to bolt I turn around too see a woman there with him.

Confused and not wanting to make a scene in case this lady caught on and then my uncle take it out on my brother and sister I poised myself and smiled and waved. The lady gave me a once over that made me nervous even at that age. " he is gonna be a big man that's for sure " stroking my cheek I knew what was coming she had the same look in her eyes my uncle did. Why the hell did I sneak back here to get alcohol for, back here where no one is around?

This was my second life defining moment.

[Guest_5218]

Good to hear back from you Kiamau. And I'm really glad that your session yesterday went pretty well. The fact that you are willing to go back, and that you have discussed possible treatments, is a fantastic start .................

Well done to you. Were you as comfortable as you could be with the therapist?

Me? I'm better than I was. Just going through a difficult patch due to current therapy stirring things up! But I'm getting there. (-:

Lynda - I'm also sorry to hear about your ruptured ear drum. I guess that spoiled the Melbourne weekend for you a bit?

Keep well, both of you.

Sherie xx

[Sadmummy]

Oh my just reading between the lines I felt so sad for you.

must have been some awful things to go through I hope you are doing okay now.

threatening your siblings to be next to keep you quiet is so cruel and heartbreaking

i dont really have any other words but sorry that your childhood was ended so quickly like that

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Kiamau,

I haven't experienced the sort of trauma you have, but I wanted to stop in and offer you my support. I have both friends and family who have been through similar experiences to your own. As someone outside the situation who has still had contact with it through others, and having read your concerns about your loved ones feeling pity for you or treating you differently, I thought you should have the perspective of someone in the position those you care for would be in if you tell them. I have not for a second pitied anyone who has related such a tale to me. If anything, I admired their courage for sharing something so personal and traumatic. It takes a lot of guts to do that. And I respect and admire you for sharing your experience here, there's nothing easy about doing that. From your posts I also see you haven't been twisted with bitterness or trying to push everyone away. You show empathy and compassion, and a willingness to listen and communicate. It takes considerable strength of character to maintain that sort of open connection with people after going through something like you have.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Thanks for sharing your story. I think your attitude is a great example for others in your situation, so thanks for sharing.

Blue.

[Solosombra]

Sherie: thanks Sherie I'm glad it went good as well. I hope you are doing better today?

Yeah I was comfy as I could be so I'm hoping with time it works out.

Sadmummy: thank you for your kind words I really appreciate them. Yes he wasn't a very nice man I'm just glad my siblings were left alone. Hope you have been Good and well wishes.

Blue: again thank you I can't tell you how much I needed to hear you guys say this today, and thank you for taking time out to read a part of my story!

Feeling overwhelmed by the support here guys/gals thank you and I wish you all the best

Kiamau x

[Guest_5218]

Hi Kiamau. Thats good, a promising start. You menioned therapy - have you agreed to any ongoing therapy at this stage? And do you have another appointment?

Its good that you were comfortable with the therapist, as that is a very important ingredient in any ongoing therapy. I'm pleased for you. You have the strength to make this work, and I'm glad you have decided to do something about giving yourself a better life.

I'm okay thanks. (-:

Sherie xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Glad we can be of some help, Kiamau. You're not on your own. 🙂

[pipsy]

Hi Sherie. Having a damaged ear made it difficult to hear a lot of the time. Everyone who knew were kind and helpful, so I never felt isolated. My ear doesn't hurt, but still quite deaf. Once it's healed properly, I then have to see about an aid. Very glad to hear Kiamau is doing well with his counselling. Hope he keeps going, even when it gets a bit hard. Good for you, Kiamau, here at BB we're hoping it helps.

Lynda.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Kiamau,

I have been reading through all of your threads tonight. I had been feeling remiss as you have been such a wonderful addition to the cafe and I have been a bit absent of late.

I am very sorry for what happened to you and for the loss of your childhood that you should have had. He was unable to take your spirit Kiamau, you are such a kind and caring soul. You exude much warmth and compassion and heart. That is something that is all yours and has not been taken from you. I am very glad you found BB and that you have these wonderful people for support as well as the counseling you are going to.

Kind thoughts to you,

Dear Lynda, I have read some of your story here too and I am also very saddened for your attacks. It is just horrendous at how often this happens. You too are such a beautiful soul. I admire you very much. Big hugs xx

Carol

[Doolhof]

Hi Kiamau,

I've just read this amazingly caring, supportive, acknowledging thread. This is what makes this forum so very special, people really do connect with each other, share their stories and try to help each other.

Kiamau, I have had a chat with you on a couple of other threads, it is wonderful to have you here as part of this special community.

Like Sherie I was sexually abused by my first husband. He used to think it was his right to beat me up and rape me, sometimes in front of his mates. It was so degrading and disgusting. After a year of that I ran away. I was one of the lucky ones, I was able to escape the abuse.

You have all moved on chatting about all kinds of things here, and that is so good. For some people who have dealt with abuse, the thoughts can come back and it is important to deal with lingering issues.

As you mentioned Kiamau, it is sometimes hard to stop feeling bad about yourself. As others have mentioned, you sound like a very lovely, kind hearted person.

For all the negatives in my life, I also try to balance them out with the positives. I now have a husband who has never raised a finger to me. I have some very special male friends in my life whom I love dearly.

Self doubt can creep in now and then, as long as we are aware that is what it is, then we can all work to mover forward. A couple of steps backwards now and then are okay as well.

Wishing you all a day where you can feel thankful about something that happened today.

Oh yer, do you do any gluten free baking Kiamau? My Mum has coeliac disease and everything has to be gluten free. I tried to make some sponge cake cup cakes and they turned out like Yorkshire puddings. Ha. Ha.

My dear husband said to just fill them up with a lot of icing.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

[Guest_5218]

Kiamau - as you can see, you have made a big impression on others since you have arrived here. (-:

We have not heard from you since your therapy session yesterday and I have been wondering how you got on. I hope you are okay now. Therapy does stir things up for a while afterwards, so you may be feeling a little 'fragile' for a few days afterwards. Just talking about all this stuff is hard work. If you need support please come on and let us know. All of us here are happy to talk if you feel the need to.

Mrs Dools, I did not know that, about the dreadful abuse you suffered at the hands of your first husband. That's horrible, and I really feel for you. It wasn't quite like that for me - it wasn't a husband or partner who raped me. The b*****d was someone I had known and trusted for a long time. I guess at the end of the day our stories, although all a little different, are also very similar. For each of us, there has been a gross breach of trust from someone in a far more powerful position than ourselves.

As Mrs Dools says Kiamau, it is important to deal with the inevitable lingering issues after suffering abuse. Ideally we can turn negatives into positives, as Mrs Dools appears to have been successful at doing. Well done Mrs Dools, I admire you for that. I'm working on that, and hope to get there too. (-:

But there is always that feeling of self doubt which creeps into our thinking, and it sometimes prevents us from moving on with our lives. Thats where therapy will benefit you Kiamau, and I hope you will stick with it. Thats also the reason I too am still undergoing therapy.

Mrs Dools, I have a friend visiting from interstate tomorrow and she is also a coeliac. These days it is much easier than it used to be, as the supermarket seems to be laden with GF products these days. And much of it is pretty good. I have seen some goodies in the past that Kiamau has brought to the Cafe which were gluten free, so I'm pretty sure he does some GF baking...

Have a good evening all.

Sherie xx