Gentleman Struggler!

[Thespian8]

Dear all,

This is my first time visiting Beyond Blue. I have got to the point wherein I feel I need to meet others that also struggle. If you don't mind, I wish to share my story.

I have been married three times! My first wife was abusive, both physically and mentally, and after numerous years of trying, we separated. We went to marriage councillors and they could not help, as she was aggressive and refused to believe that she was doing anything wrong. She struggled with her own issues, due to her father being a violent alcoholic. After we split up, she took her our two children and moved down the road. After 6 weeks of us splitting up, she moved a new man into the house and told the children they had to call him 'Daddy' now. This was incredibly difficult and confusing and resulted in a lot of disagreements. She fell pregnant to him that year, whilst we were still married, and then told me that she was moving to NZ with him, and i could either stay or come over. I had met someone else in that time and was a year away from finishing a contract as a theatre director so decided to go, as I did not want to be without my children.

When my children left for NZ, I was devastated. I sunk into a very deep depression and struggled to work and socialise. I missed them so much and could not stop crying. The woman I met tried to comfort me and during this depressive state, I asked her to marry me, which I should not have, as I knew I was not in love with her, but I needed something else to cover this feeling of sadness. I married my second wife and then we moved to NZ. I was back with my children and happy, however, my first wife was horrible and controlling and dictated everything, making my 2nd wife and I miserable. My first wife then said that she wanted to move to Melbourne, which we agreed to. My 2nd wife and I moved over, and the agreement was that my children would be moving over in 6 months. They never arrived and are still in NZ 6 years later.

My 2nd wife soon got pregnant, however, we were not in love and she left Australia and took my baby daughter back to the UK. That was in 2014. I do not get to see her. I then received a lawyers letter saying that my 2nd wife and her new partner had been arrested for child abuse. They had beaten our daughter. I did not get custody and my 2nd wife was apparently rehabilitated.

I struggle with my past and would really like some help or advice or meet others with similar struggles.

Thanks,

T

[White_Rose]

Dear Thespian

Hello and welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story. You have indeed been through a long and painful time. You mentioned you have been married three times. Are you currently married to your third wife? If so how is this working out for you?

I can see how much you care for your children and it must have been horrific to learn your second wife had abused your daughter. What a lot of pain to carry. Writing in here and receiving support from the forum can be very helpful. I expect others will talk to you soon.

Have you spoken to your GP or had any counselling? You have such a complicated history that keeping track of it must be absorbing all your time and energy. It's good to write in here but we are not medical people or psychologists. We can offer support and tell you what has worked for us in similar situations. Many people find this helpful. Talking about our coping mechanisms can be useful or at least may give you some ideas on managing.

I do suggest you see your GP to start the process of seeing either a psychologist or psychiatrist. Your doctor is the best person to help you. Perhaps you can print out your post to show the doctor. It's an easier start to the conversation.

I separated from my husband nearly 20 years ago. My children had grown up and left home so it was much easier for me. However living on my own was a shock. I knew I had taken the right steps but did not fully realise how lonely I could be. From there it was a short step to depression and I did need help from a psychiatrist.

It can be huge struggle to do the activities you used to do. I was thankful I had a job I enjoyed and supportive colleagues. It took a long time to get out of the depression washing machine but here I am. Such a lot grief in your life and I know how much I grieved for the loss of my partner regardless of the circumstances. It took me time to believe in myself and gain the self confidence to make decisions without asking the advice of others.

The forum does not allow anyone to give contact details but we can and do share our experiences and tips. Please continue to talk to us.

Mary