First time reaching out needing help desperate!

[A_mother]

Please help anyone I'm kind of alone with no one to turn to and well to sum it all it's about my partner he has ultimately crises me with his gaslighting techniques, been together like 6 years or more I'm 27 he's 29 we have a son together who is 5 and a daughter who is around 4 months, I feel like I've got to a point where I want my partner to just get out of my life including our kids, just tonight he screamed the house down with uncontrolled outburst cause our son was doing the usual thing trying to get to sleep but calling out to stay awake etc as you know kids do but thought it was okay to traumatise him by abusing him for not sleeping, whilst waking our little girl and scared her, and because I told him he's out of line I then got abused and left helpless picking up the pieces of a crying baby and crying 5yr old. This scene is almost if not pretty much is a daily thing, I feel so neglected and disrespected, I just wish there was a place to send these bad eggs like him but I know you can't think like that but he's made me feel like worse than the dirt on his shoe. I've showed happy face for so long and am truly depply ashamed to break up because it's the stigma associated with it, I feel like I would make life worse for the kids if we were split up as he is very manipulative and would make my life hell by bad mouthing me to my beautiful kids, I know this cause he's already used it as a threat before if I ever left him, the list goes on I feel like I could be typing for ages it's the first time I've ever reached out for help... Not to mention I feel like I'd be letting down my mum and dad for not having a perfect relationship, has anyone else felt like this or had a partner that threatens these things that he will make matters worse if you leave ? I feel like I'll never be able to ever feel the love a girl is supposed to get from a man. I feel like time is ticking and I need to figure this out in a smart way but he scares me or I guess splitting scares me not that I'll miss us it's I'm scared of repercussions...
Many thanks in advance for your advice
😭

[smallwolf]

Hi

welcome to beyond blue.

I feel very much for you and your situation. I would be terrified.

If you are scared for yourself or your children

Possibly the best course of action if feeling unsafe at home would be to contact 1800 RESPECT. For anything They also have an online chat and can link people to resources or further help -

www.1800respect.org.au/

I hope I am not being alarmist, bit if this is happening on a regular basis, it cannot be any good for you? Do you have anyone you can talk to? Friends? I know you feel like you are letting down your parents, but in my own situation, my parents have been very supportive, abeit my situation is very different to yours.

There is also Lifeline. Most people are familiar with them on 13 11 14 but they also have a free 1:1 online chat open from 7pm til midnight - www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat.

I am listening to you, and hope you come back to chat some more.

Tim

[Ebi]

Hello A Mother,

I'm so sorry and sad to hear about your situation. It is really hard to be dealing with this stuff when you're only 4 months postpartum.

In my opinion, your partner is being emotionally abusive. If you are feeling scared and disrespected on a regular basis, it sounds abusive. And the fact that he makes threats about being cruel toward you and the children of you separate, is further evidence. Maybe call 1800 RESPECT, as Tim has suggested, to get their perspective on it.

I know the consequences of separation feel scary now but I don't see how things staying the way they are would be good for you or the kids. Another way things could change, is if your partner recognised and acknowledged what he is doing to you and got some help to change... Is that a possibility?

Thinking of you, Ebi

[Sophie_M]

Hi A mother,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue online forums.

We recognise how overwhelmed you must be feeling at the moment and hear how troubling it has been for you to be living in a home where you feel often threatened and scared. Please know that we are concerned about you and your children’s wellbeing and encourage you to reach out to the supports our community has provided. Our community is here to continue to work through this with you and we look forward to hearing how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.
 

[A_mother]

Thank you for your replies, on another note I'm just learning how to use this forum.

Thank you so much for the helpful information and links and phone numbers...

I feel so Lost and like I've failed at life. I dont really have anyone to talk to nobody knows what's going on, I maintain the green grass and we're happy as far as people can see, I'm ashamed to talk about it because we have kids , I know my mum and dad will support me I'm sure they would. It's just I think I've been emotionally crushed for so long I have no confidence and I'm scared to talk about it to anyone.

My partner is not capable of talking through it.. he has on the odd days realise his actions were wrong after he's verbally abused myself or my son, and afterwards felt bad for his actions. It's hard for me to explain but I have pretty much never been able to talk about us ever since we got together , any sense of a discussion leading towards I'm feeling unsupported or disrespected he gets on the defensive straight away which leads quickly to verbally abusing me. He twists words/conversation and past events, I've second guess myself, it's enough to think your going crazy, years ago I even tried writing feelings down in a letter once and he threw it in my face..

In another universe would he seek help for his mental health unfortunately (which I feel he would benefit from but that's another thing)

The only thing keeping me going is my kids otherwise I feel I would have attempted suicide by now. How does one person suck the life out of you, or how did I let myself get so weak.

[Ebi]

You didn't let yourself get weak... Abusers do suck the life out of you. They try to distort reality,...Up is down, wrong is right, sort of thing, to the point that you don't know what's going on. So then, they can convince you that you are wrong and they are right and it's all your fault... It's not your fault... This is the mechanism of abuse.

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Just a short reply...

Not sure if it cause this place is anonymous, but you realise that you are talking to me about this, so you are actually able to talk through it. But I do understand what you need mean otherwise.

The second point I want to make is that you are not the first person to feel the way you do and won't be the last. Now I am going to talk about myself here ... We think we are weak because we cannot handle the situation, or others can deal with it so why can't we?!? Yet if I told you my story....

So while you might be talking to me anonymously, you are also showing vulnerability which is a sign of courage - I should introduce you to Brene Brown on YouTube who speaks about this sort of stuff.

Keep talking here if it helps. My hope is that you will find your voice, and be able to speak with someone and get some support. Until that day and afterwards, I will try to reply to you.

Tim

[Anicca]

Hi there A mother,

Please take your situation extremely seriously. You are NOT going crazy. You need a safe place for your children and yourself. Treat it as a life or death situation. Your partner is an abusive coward. Please go to your parent's or a refuge where you will be safe.

I grew up in a household such as yours and I am now 63 years old. I never had the freedom to live a normal childhood. My father convinced my mother she would lose her 4 children to foster care if she left him. It was only when I was 16 that I convinced my mum that we could survive without him. I left school and started working. I am sure there would have been a death in the family if this hadn't happened.I have bipolar two and have been depressed all my life. I realise now my father had some kind of untreated mental illness. He was both physically and mentally abusive and an horrible alcoholic.

I don't want to turn this in to my story but I feel compelled to point out the danger you could be in. You have done nothing to deserve this abuse. You are not required to be perfect. Try your parent's first and then a women's shelter.

Good luck and please post how you get on.

Anicca

[A_mother]

Your right I am talking about it and I just only realise once reading your comment yes I am it's the first step I've taken and it actually feels bloody great that people are willing to read my pleas and help out by listening and sending back advice for me to read it actually feels so soothing to read the replies and actually makes me feel safer, thank you!

I feel for you too because I imagine the future and wonder if my kids will be happy if I stayed knowing I was unhappy or witnessing myself crying etc. It's not a good picture at all...

Although the manipulation scares me due to the kids being so young he could manipulate their memories, any talk of me going to leave, he says the kids will know their mum broke up their family it just breaks my heart, I wish he wouldn't say that it stops me from leaving, I just want the kids to be happy so badly and really wish he could be too but I think he himself has endured abuse as a child and not really sure if there are wonder methods into helping real stubborn tough men. He's not a talker but I don't think there much energy left in me for that, a part of me wants freedom forever and the other smaller part feels sorry for him because he might be in pain, am I kidding myself or is that something to be considerate about?

[Ebi]

Hi A Mother,

He may be in pain and he may have suffered abuse. But allowing him to continue hurting you and the children because of his pain and his problems is not helping anyone really. It's sacrificing yourself to his problems.

My own parents were not together...and lots on complexities there (not abuse though) and although I have been pained by some of the circumstances of my childhood that were a result of my mother's decisions, I respect her right and her need to do what was best for her and I know she was doing the best she could. I don't think your children would ever want you to stay in an abusive situation for them. They will grow up and they will come to understand how their father is and they will be glad that you left.

His words will not match your loving and caring mothering of them and they will know the truth.

Thinking of you, Ebi