First Responders cry also

[Boy_in_blue]

Hi,

I am extremely anxious about posting & not sure if I am in the right area. I feel like I have to get this weight off my chest.

i am a first responder & have been for 21years.
I have attended so many critical incidents that I was dubbed Dr Death by my colleagues - not a title I want at all.

For the past 2-3 yrs I started to shut down & become a stone face emotionless person at work which crept into my personal life. So much so that I was on guard 24/7 (we were smashed into us you’re a police officer 24/7) & having a very difficult time being able to switch off.

Gradually I became worse, even tho I’d put on a brave face & help as many ppl as I could. But I didn’t realise it was me that needed help until my bucket over flowed a few months ago.
I would be okay to some degree at work but as soon as I hoped into my car to go home, I’d break down for no reason at all. I pushed this aside for a few weeks but I found myself crying at any sad events that were shown on tv, like seeing a child upset for loosing a parent in a movie would trigger me. Even though I knew it was fictional, I just couldn’t handle it.
It got to the point that tragic events on the news send me in to a panic attack where I have to get out of the house and just run. I did this many times to the point I’d collapse due to exhaustion.

I stopped all interactions with friends & going to family events as I only felt safe at home.

I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD and depression & I am off work. I was asked if my work made any effort to talk or note events that I attended to, but being a supervisor, I looked after my troops but I wasn’t looked after. I am not blaming anyone but I can’t help but to think if only my supervisors were to record those events, would I be in this mess I am in now?

I have some good days but mostly are bad with flashback & the nightmares & crippling. I know I am on a long road to recovery, but none the less I am on that road. I just wished I had of sought help 3 years ago when a mate asked if I was ok as I wasn’t myself anymore. I am trying hard not to blame myself but some resentment is there.

So, as a male & as a first responder I am placing my hand up in the air to say I also cry & it’s bloody tough to say it, I need help & I am getting help from my psychiatrist & psychologist. And to be told to just get over it and toughen up by senior management I now know that those words were so wrong & damaging

First Responders cry and it’s ok to do so.

[geoff]

Hello Boy in blue, you can be taught what to do and how you should express yourself in different situations you have to visit, but personally, it doesn't allow you to express your true feeling and how awful this has been and can affect your own lifestyle.

The problem is you don't want to share this with anybody and can understand why not but the longer you hold all of thoughts to yourself, then the next terrible situation you visit is only going to be added onto the previous experience you're holding in.

That brave face you display at work is not going to be strong enough to carry home and express what you have been through, but it will affect your family trying to find a reason why you are like this and to view this experience must be so difficult to try and adjust.

Some people are not able to fill these positions because, and understandably, their reaction is not suited to being in a job like this and asked to be employed in another section.

There is no fault at all and you could ask to be moved.

Geoff.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Boy in blue, & Welcome to the forum. I read your posts late last night, & was moved to tears, for how much you are suffering as a result of the job you do. May I say, the slack response from your supervisors to your struggles, which I am also certain are more common than most would realise is very disappointing.

A combination of your upbringing, societal expectations, & the attitudes being re-enforced during your initial training, & I am not surprised how much PTSD there surely must be amongst first responders. I fear it’s another system which needs to be rebuilt in order to recognise & respond to the needs of it’s employees much more than it does. It also needs to recognise the secondary & tertiary impact of it’s culture, upon family & close relatives & friends.

You’ve done so much good for the community, yet you were repaid with ‘buck up. Be a man’. So you put on that stony face, & doing that, as you know, causes further damage to yourself. You wind up doing exactly as you did, trying to cope, blaming yourself for ‘failing’ (not so), to be a man, admonishing yourself for your distress, drinking to ease the pain, forget, or if only to temporally give yourself a break, all the while knowing, it’s an inadequate bandage, but what else do you have?

In my own way, I’ve been there, not to the extreme end of what’s possible, to be sure, but I feel I can empathise.

I’m very glad you have help from a Psychiatrist & a Psychologist. It took me much more than three years to seek help, & some never do.

You have support here, too, & we’ll be listening, & sending you boxes of virtual tissues, too. (We have an infinite supply). I had felt I could not allow myself to cry either, because then what I was going through would show, & cause strife around me, so stayed silent, & kept my emotions tightly in check for years. But they won’t be held in forever. &, moreover, shouldn’t be. It ain’t healthy. So, cry all you need,& talk in between, or while, if you can, to the people you trust. That’s what’s healthy.

Hope we continue to hear from you.

Warm regards,
mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Boy in blue~

Warning - this is blunt and includes mention of suicide.

The first time I started to cry it was terrible, not only did it hurt as I kept gasping wracking breaths, but there was fear as I'd no idea why I was doing it, and shame. Oh boy, not a pleasant recollection.

Your story reads just about the same as mine, and for the same reason. As an OIC of a small station in the Force I had some MOF to look after but was not looked after myself by others. Nobody told me anything. Even my GP was concentrating on my physical symptoms.

I believed all the unworkable expectations of manliness and being on duty 24/7 - and all was good for a fair while, then over the years I had physical symptoms, plus the mental ones you describe and more. Plus personal relations hit rock bottom.

I ended up with the usual suspects ; suicidal ,PTSD, bouts of depression and permanent anxiety. Then found myself invalided out of the Force and told I was TPI (totally permanently incapacitated). On the scrap heap.

Why have I gone to so much detail about me? This thread is about you after all. The reason is so firstly you do not feel all alone, it happens to many. And secondly to demonstrate there is a lot of hope. A life for you to look forward to, and hopefully personal relations again.

It took you a long time to get as bad as you are, and a huge amout of work related trauma. So it's only reasonable to expect it will take a fair while to get to the stage where the PTSD symptoms lessen, your life becomes livable and you can enjoy once more. I'm there.

There's only one thing I'd say by way of advice today, if your medical team is provided by the Force there is a potential conflict of interest. You, like me, need to consider an independent team who is on your side 100%. Otherwise it is conceivable you may be encouraged to return to duty prematurely.

That's enough for one innings. I hope we get to talk more.

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. I forgot to say firstly you have come to the right place, there are lots of people here who can understand as they have had similar or parallel experiences, and secondly don't be anxious about being here, the folks are friendly and your anonymity is secure.

Yes it does help to talk, and you might gain info that helps.

-C

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Boy in blue,

Maybe there is no straight forward solution to the issues presented to the frontline workers. You might trouble yourself and stress over it wanting well but being overwhelmed by the scale of it. It’s not a job for one person, however, it has to start from one person and then another and another, and so it grows. The strength will be in people who decide to reach out for help and possibly speak up. Just as you did. This was an incredible achievement on your behalf. Lots of people read posts here. I have no doubts you will encourage and help some of them.
You are a pretty amazing person, Boy in blue.

[CoffeeSnob]

Hi Boy in Blue. I know I'm really late to this discussion, but I'm wondering how you're going? I recently retired from VicPol due to PTSD and I'm struggling.

I hope you're doing okay.