feeling too broken to love and be loved

[sister moon]

Hello everyone,

I feel like my baggage is too heavy to carry into a relationship, but i am lonely and I don't want to feel lonely forever.

I have a history of sexual trauma and domestic violence. I have anxiety PTSD and episodes of depression.

I had avoided anything that remotely like a relationship for nearly 6 years until the start of last year, I was as open as I could be about my history and trauma, but i don't think i went about any of this in the "right" way. I feel at times I dumped it on him. I also feel at times that rather than expressing my needs I focused of trying to "prove" to him and reassure him that I was okay when I wasn't. Because I didn't want him to feel he was walking on glass. But my trauma would come out in other ways. And I learnt alot of things about myself that i really don't like. I am not always kind. I had feelings for this man that were greater than any feelings I had ever ever had. And I think that it somehow brought out the worst in me. I don't think he ever ever got to see my best side. I knew I was messed up. But I don't think I knew just how "broken" I was untill I really really liked someone. Obviously it didn't work out. And it has left me feeling guilty for having inflicted myself and my garbage onto him.

I would like one day to have a healthy caring relationship one day. But I don't think I can be my best self. I feel like I'm too hard. All the other single people I know of my age group internet date. It seems now days to be the culture that if something gets hard, you go online and find someone else....

I just don't see anything in me that will ever be able to outweigh the challanges.

and i am so mad at myself because I have been so independant for so long..... and I was determin to just be content with being single. It took me so much to open up to the possibility of things being any different and now I just feel silly that I ever did. And lonely. I just feel so lonely

[AndyR]

HI Sister Moon

Your telling of your story resonated so strongly with me for, like you, I too tried at a new relationship last year after over a decade of being single. And, again like you, have been left feeling as though I got it wrong with talking about the truth of how life has been over.

My last relationship before the latest attempt was thirteen years of slow emotional and mental abuse which left me terrified of becoming involved with anyone again. My sense of worth as a partner was completely undermined and for years I believed I could not love or be worthy of love and respect.

It's taken all those years to rebuild a belief that a relationship is something I am worthy of, and something that could bring joy and pleasure. But last year's attempt threw me, for I was out of practice, saddled with baggage and tried too hard to be strong and direct. So things did not work out, leaving me confused and sparking a round of depression that is only now beginning to lift.

In some ways despite that I learned things about my sense of who I can be with someone else. Hard learning indeed, but learning none the less. In talking about it with my psych he made a valid and powerful observation: that even though it didn't work there was growth because I'd done something I haven't for a long time and that was to take a RISK. He was right, and I know now that having taken that risk once I may again do so in future.

One of the other things we talked of was the difference between aloneness and being lonely. One of his questions was to ask if I was maintaining the social network I'd built over the past three years. His point was the aloneness of being single can be softened by a strong network of friends. What I came to see was that it's that safety network that firstly gave me the confidence to try dating again and secondly helped cushion the blow of it not working.

So I'm wondering how your social network is, and how you participate in that.

I think if you can it would be nice to pat yourself on the back for the risk you took in opening up to not just the possibility but the action of having a go. You've done it once, you can do it again. As for getting it right and feeling guilty: you didn't. You gave it a go. Congratulate yourself for the courage and faith in yourself. That can be your starting point for the future, powerful enough that with time you will overcome the challenges.

kindest regards

andy

[sister moon]

Thankyou so much Andy,

Your post has made me cry, but not in a bad way.

It is so easy for me to read your words and see you as being so brave for giving it a go.

"My last relationship before the latest attempt was thirteen years of slow emotional and mental abuse which left me terrified of becoming involved with anyone again. My sense of worth as a partner was completely undermined and for years I believed I could not love or be worthy of love and respect."

If you changed 13 years to 8 years I could have written this. Thank you. It is easy to read your words with no judgement. However I judge myself so very harshly. I also think that you are/were brave. "Stupid" is not a word I would label you with for one second. Not for being in the unhealthy relationship in the first place, and not for giving another relationship a go. Yet "stupid" (and worse) are how I feel. I will try to remember this. Thank you so much for this.

As far as friendships and social connections. Unfortunately at the same time as my relationship ended my closest local friend moved out of town and in with her boyfriend. We both had relationships start at the same time however the outcomes were vastly different and it was a bit of extra salt in wounds. I have been trying hard to make more social connections however I am a single mother who looks after my child full time (no days or nights off ever) and very limited support in the way of anyone who can look after her for my. I have limited time apart from a couple of week days during school hours. I have been looking into groups to join or things I might find interesting to do but they never seem to be at times I could. I also have some social anxiety to grapple with. I have made efforts to make friends with mothers from my daughters school but I feel a bit like they are very serface level friends and in a way that seems to just add to my feeling like a social outsider rather than helping. I feel a bit lost, but I am trying so maybe as you said I could pat myself on the back for trying to make social connections as it is not something that comes easily to me either.

Thank you again so much for your kind words.

SisterMoon

[AndyR]

Hi Sister Moon

Just checking in to see how you are doing and to apologise for the delay in responding - I've had a few tough days.

One of the things that struck me is that you are giving it a go, despite the isolation you feel. Chatting to the other school mums could lead who knows where over time. That's important to remember, just continuing to chat helps form the friendships that can go beyond surface level.

You mention your friend moved out of town. Are you in a country town for that will indeed make activity choices that bit harder to find. But I've no doubt you will. I saw something you posted on the three things you're grateful for thread and had a smile that you could see three wonderful things that are such a foundation.

SO hang in there and let us know how it goes. Perhaps someone else who lives in a country town may have other ideas they can share here.

kind regards

Andy

[Miss_Empath]

Sister Moon, I feel your pain and suffering and feelings of loneliness.

In order to be open to receive love and feel loved, you must love yourself.

You have a lot of healing in your heart to do, and when you are ready to love and be loved, the right one will come to you.

Have faith and don't lose hope. Heal and love xx

(Ps. I am learning to love myself again also)

[sister moon]

Hi Andy,

Thanks for your response. Sorry to hear that you've had some tough days. I hope that you are feeling okay now. I've not been great either few physical health problems that have been knocking me around on top on the mental health stuff. Feeling a bit better tonight though.

Hello Miss Empath,

Thank you for your lovely words, I hope your journey in learning how to love yourself again is going well. At times it seems so much easier to see other people as lovable and worthy of love than ourselves.

I am grateful to you both for your responses. It makes me feel less alone and allows me to look outside myself.

I would never think of anyone else as "too broken" to ever be loved.... I don't think it was a kind label to put on myself.