Feel nothing about trauma

[laureah21]

Hi all,

I have been diagnosed last week with adhd and ptsd.

trauma was two seperate sexual assaults by different unrelated people in my 20s both at night in my bedroom from breaking and entering circumstances. I now have a bit of agoraphobia linked with night time and general anxiety that comes and goes in certain situations.  Can’t really travel (sleep away from

home) now without sense of doom, that I could never figure out the reason until recently when these memories started coming back to me. So off I went to my GP and now a diagnosis.

I didn’t get to really ask any questions yet in my session as it was a diagnostic session.  I had some questions about why I’ve never felt anything about this before.  It’s strangely like I’d forgotten it.  Not completely but like it wasn’t part of me like I’d read it in the paper, I truely wouldn’t have said it affected me as i don’t have any emotion at all attached to it.

I have suffered from panic, disassociation episodes, trouble briefly with intimacy with my husband when I just start crying for no reason during sex and I could never explain any of these things to him or myself.  Just thought hormones.  It always felt like my body was be anxious and my mind had no idea why.  All these general mental health problems did happen after these incidents, when I think about it now.  I used to be a pretty chilled, glass half full kid with inattentive  adhd issues and the general kid fears, were really the only things before that

is it normal not to really have any recollection/feelings toward traumatic events?  To feel completely removed but still suffer in the physical bodily type way with a reaction?

I’m sort of in a bit of shock when I think about the level of affect it may have had on my life from mid 20s on.  In my 40s now and it’s all been hidden

[Croix]

Dear Laureah21~

I can well understand why you might feel puzzeld. I think Eagle Ray has expanded it as well as any. I too have PTSD, depression and anxiety and a raft of physical effects from headaches to chest pain, had impotence  and more besides. Crying too. Fortunately I am a lot better than I was. It's just as well, I was extremely difficult to live with , particularly when the memories started to come back and my partner had a very hard time-  I'm forever grateful they stayed.

It is funny how the mind works with anxiety and depression, being reluctant to do things and lack of trust -but no one thing I could point to that would account for these - any more than the physical side.

Events that had made a deep impression on me seemed to be handled in two ways. This first was to forget  them entirely , even if asked. Other events I could talk about dispassionately but they had no effect and might as well have happened ot someone else. I don't know why some were one way and some were the other.

It is only  though time, therapy and family support things changed and I could think of or be reminded of those events I'd forgotten, and the ones I could talk about suddenly started to have pretty mark effects on me, as did the ones I'd forgotten.

For a long period after this I really had to plan ahead so matters - even movies or books - would not bring them back with me reacting strongly.

I'm glad to say they all have lot less power now, still there but I can cope. Unfortunately not all the effects have gone away, but I'm hopefully my recovery will continue to improve. As it is I can lead a pretty normal life

I'm sure if I can reach the stage where I can love and be loved, support and be supported and engage in activities that give me satisfaction most people, including you, can reach that stage too.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Laureah21~

I can well understand why you might feel puzzeld. I think Eagle Ray has expanded it as well as any. I too have PTSD, depression and anxiety and a raft of physical effects from headaches to chest pain, had impotence and more besides. Crying too. Fortunately I am a lot better than I was.

It is funny how the mind works with anxiety and depression, being reluctant to do things and lack of trust -but no one thing I could point to that would account for these - any more than the physical side.

Events that had made a deep impression on me seemed to be handled in two ways. This first was to forget them entirely , even if asked. Other events I could talk about dispassionately but they had no effect and might as well have happened ot someone else. I don't know why some were one way and some were the other.

It is only though time, therapy and family support things changed and I could be reminded of those events I'd forgotten, and the ones I could talk about suddenly started to have pretty mark effects on me, as did hte ones I'd forgotten.

For a long period after this I really had to plan ahead so matters - even movies or books - would not bring them back with me reacting strongly.

I'm glad to say they all have lot less power now, still there but I can cope. Unfortunately not all the effects have gone away, but I'm hopefully my recovery will continue to improve. As it is I can lead a pretty normal life

I'm sure if I can reach the stage where I can love and be loved, support and be supported and engage in activities that give me satisfaction most people, including you, can reach that stage too.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello Laureah

I, too, have been diagnosed with PTSD.

How people react to traumatic events in their lives varies so widely, there's no right or wrong way to react. People don't always react to traumatic events immediately following the incident/s. Sometimes it might be weeks, months, or years that go by before any symptoms of PTSD arise. 

Some people do block off their emotions about what happened, as a way to protect themselves from those strong emotions. I did that for sure. Just to cope, I wanted to know nothing about what happened to me, so blocked pretty much everything except the knowledge that things happened which I had to block off. It made me able to function.

Eventually, though, that way of coping was no longer so useful, & then I needed to seek heap to cope with everything. I found a psychiatrist.

I'm glad you have spoken to your GP. I wonder if they have referred you to a therapist who specialises in treating people with, especially, anxiety & PTSD?

When you next see your GP, you can ask them your questions. In the meantime, write them down. Having a list could help yu ask your questions.

Also, you are very welcome to write here, contact BB too, if yu feel the need to talk to someone in the moment. That's what the BB Counsellors are here for.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[David35]

I suffer from a mild form of PTSD as a result of members in my family being diagnosed with cancer. I've subconsciously associated cancer clinics with death, because dad died with cancer. But it's since been proven wrong, because mum survived bladder cancer. The trauma forms what they call an emotional memory and it forms in a different part of the brain, so they don't diffuse with time as typical memories do. They are usually associated with something, and the association causes an almost instinctive response (fight or flight response) causing panic. I have various triggers.

I like to think of trauma as an iceberg. The part above the water is your conscious thought. But subconsciously, beneath the surface there is a lot going on which you will not even be aware of. Only a trained therapist can get beneath and understand what is causing it. The part above is the symptoms (panic, irritability, mood swings, etc.) But they can only be temporarily treated. For example, after dad died, about 6 years later I had delayed grief, because a lot of emotions which were suppressed at the time hadn't been processed. When I talked about it with therapist, the panicking subsided.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Lareah21,

I think that response of having no recollection consciously but having the body feelings is a very normal response to trauma. I had two prior sexual assaults also, aged 21 and 36. I had completely compartmentalised them and they were blocked from conscious memory for years. I am now in my late 40s and it was only last year that they came up for me, I'm guessing because I was processing other things in therapy with a psychologist and that kind of brought them up as well. I think it helps to understand that it is a natural way the psyche and nervous system cope with experiences that are hard to integrate, but once you realise and you get some help they do start to integrate and that starts to take out some of the charge/influence those events had on your nervous system. It's like they become integrated memories and you start to heal from those experiences and the impacts they had.

Take care and all the best.