Engulfing Narc Mother

[Madmel72]

I'm an only child, and my mother has always made sure I was provided for and neglect and what I thought was love was never an issue, but if my attention is off her, or if I have a different opinion, or I don't drop everything and go to her at a moments notice,  she calls me names and tells me I'm no daughter. She's tried to come between my partner and I and even my son and I. She's also saying that her ex is stalking her because of the traffic noise outside, and saying that helicopters are landing on her roof because the police are checking on her. When she goes too far and does something really cruel, she'll go out and buy me stuff I don't need as an implied apology, but then becomes passive aggressive. She's never actually been diagnosed with npd but I suspect she's the engulfing type as she calls me ten or more times a day and has to be in control, right down to calling me and telling me what to eat or watch on TV. I'm at her place right now at 3.40 in the morning because she demanded I come over. She does this whenever things are going well for me and it's getting worse every year. I'm fifty one years old and I feel like a child. I've gone no contact twice before but have broken it when she's faked a heart attack (the doctors at hospital spent 14 and 12 hours testing her and couldn't find anything. Soon as they told her she was OK she was up and smiling.). Sorry for the ramble but I don't know what to do. I can't put her in a home because she has long periods of lucidity a d besides I'd be riddled with guilt.

[white knight]

Hi welcome

You could be talking about my mother!. Ok, I've dealt with this all my 67 years of life. But in 2011 I broke off permanently from her, she's now 92yo and I wont ever see her again. I suspect the same non official diagnosis of NPD of BPD and she was always in denial hence I had to make my own decisions.

In my 20's she was jealous of my girlfriends and used emotional blackmail to try to break us up. At 29yo I planned my wedding and 4 days prior she ruined it but the reason wasnt clear then. She'd convince/manipulate family members to side with her effectively. She'd ring me while I was at work (even when I did important jobs like a warder in a jail) and demand to talk to me and argue with my bosses. She used others particularly my father as a very effective weapon turning him against me. My father now deceased would sadly be a doormat and she knew he'd never dare not side with her.

There was never any doubt my dedication to my mother was there. Painting her unit out after working 12 hour nightshift and driving to her place 4 hours away is an example. I ran out of paint and one wall had only one coat, could barley tell. She said "dont worry about it what a lovely son you are" then heard she told everyone "he didnt even finish the job". But in 2011 planning my 2nd wedding it all happened again. The slightest reason to have conflict 2 weeks prior shocked me. She told my daughter she planned to ruin my wedding in the park. I was forced to get an AVO to ensure she didnt attend. Even then I feared she would, such is the power!

I havent seen her since. Around 20 years ago a friend advised me to read a book "walking on eggshells" by Lawson. Google  "queen witch hermit Waif"  it might fill in some gaps.

You can consider some ideas like turning your phone off prior to sleep, not answer if you feel overwhelmed, be firm etc. But the turmoil might get worse.

I'm here to discuss this further as character limit is relevant.

TonyWK

[Bellepanda15]

Hello Madmel72

I have very similar experience to you, I read a lot of books on Narcissists/N families Julie L Hall. It took a few years after my Narc Mum died and the lies to unfold did to see how she abused my boundaries and how deceitful and cruel she was, does you’re Mum need a Geriatric assessment  ??  you are NOT  responsible for her happiness and you don’t have to “Jump” when she tells you to 😃 Narcissistics will push and push till we crack as they do not understand the word NO 

 Sending Courage and Strength to you 

BellePanda15

[Wagtail84]

Hello Madmel! Hope you are doing okay, I can totally relate in so many ways. Single child- 
my own mother diagnosed Bipolar Narc and schizo affective with MPD so she really really knew how to put the boot in. I’ve been no contact for a few months now and before that several years or months at a time. 
For me defending things that really mattered like my relationship with my partner and my job security (which I used to pay her rent and groceries btw so you’d think she would lay off a bit on that but no) anyway, completely cut her off, best thing I ever did. Now she doesn’t know where I live or work and I unblock her occasionally to check she’s alive but that’s it. 
Consider starting therapy and seeing a psychologist they will help you untangle and find yourself and your inner strength! 
good luck x