Repressed memories, sexual assault and confusion

[WolfGirl89]

When I was 18, a man 20 years older than me coerced me into a relationship. He was a family friend and I worked for him. I told myself it was what I wanted, that I said yes, that it was my choice, my responsibility. I told myself that it wasn’t that bad because he never hit me. I told myself that even if it was bad, I deserved it because I was a terrible person/partner/mother. I felt no attachment to my child but I took her and left anyway because nothing changed and I couldn’t take the constant barrage of lectures, insults, questioning, interrogating, accusations, gaslighting. I felt crazy. I left and told myself it wasn’t bad and that it didn’t affect me at all. 

Well, nobody would be surprised to hear it affected me. It affected me so badly that the older I got the angrier I became, but I had no idea why I was angry. Or why I felt broken, hopeless, trapped with no escape. I’ve been married for years to a wonderful man who lifts me up instead of tearing me down and I found myself screaming at him for the slightest thing. Then I started remembering where I learned that behaviour. I remembered how it felt. It almost broke me. 

So many things make sense now. My anger. My fear. My hurt. I’m so ashamed. I feel disgusting. I feel all of the feelings now that I didn’t feel then. I shut down to survive - I was numb for over a decade. Now it’s like it happened yesterday. 

I was sexually assaulted by this man, this predator. I was coerced and manipulated and guilt tripped and threatened until I gave in. I remember thinking no so many times when I felt like I had to say yes. I had to say yes to the sex, to him getting me pregnant, so that he would leave me alone. So that he would stop yelling at me, or giving me the cold shoulder, or taking my medication away. I had to do whatever I could to survive. 

 For a long time when I looked in the mirror I didn’t recognise myself. Now I do but I see that scared 19 year old again - and while I’m getting a part of myself back it’s a part I don’t want. I don’t want her shame, her guilt, her fear. I felt it anyway but now I know what it is, it doesn’t help. 

I am still trapped, because this man is the father of my daughter, and she loves her dad. She’s a teenager now, not far off the age I was. I know I need to protect her but sometimes I feel as violated by her as I was by him. 

He ruined my life then and he’s still doing it now. I can’t even let my husband touch me because I feel so ashamed. 

I will never escape. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello WolfGirl89

Welcome here, to the forums.

This is a safe place for you to talk.

There are some parts of your life I can relate to very well. I spent a lot of time thinking I wasn't affected by anything because I'd blocked off all my emotions about things that had happened to me, both in childhood & then within relationships I'd sort of found myself in. & no, they didn't have to hit me for me to have become very afraid, & then just do what they wanted because that felt safer, until I could find a way out & away from them.

Many years later, I don't risk getting closely involved with anyone.

I feel fortunate I hadn't become pregnant by any man I had been with. I know I could not have coped with raising a child. I'd like to think I wouldn't see the man in any child of mine, but I can't say it wouldn't happen & that I wouldn't be able to bond with the child, no matter how much I might say, it's not the child's fault for being here, & the child is not their father either. They are their own person, with half their genetic inheritance coming from me, though I'm not sure that would have helped much, because I also felt very bad about myself.

Now your daughter is nearing the same age as you were then, & so you are feeling she could be in danger from her father. & she loves him.

That's something I don't think I can answer. I wish I could give you some advice or maybe calling 1800 RESPECT (1800 737733) would be better.

I hope you can at least talk to your daughter about relationships, about having respect, about danger signs & ways to protect herself. Looking back, I'm thinking you can now see some of the warning signs you didn't when you were so young. There's is so much we don't know when we are 18, 19, 20 years old. Looking back, I know I knew nothing. 

Now I would tell a young person to expect to be treated with care & consideration, kindness & respect, to be wary if people they meet put them down, are insulting, pushy, demanding, contradictory in their words & behaviour, stuff like that.

What's tough now is your daughter is legally an adult, so she can make her own choices. It seems she loves her father as a different man to the one you have known. Maybe he is 'fooling' her & is a danger, I can't judge that.

I would tell her, no matter what, I would always be here for her.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[sashamentalhealth]

Hi WolfGirl 89, 

thank you for sharing, im sorry that you're going through so much right now and i hope being in this online forum can help you relate to other people.

i have experienced similar things as you, especially in relation to the anger i felt and how i didnt know where it came from. i have found that reading the book "the body keeps the score" has really helped me in understanding the things i have experienced and how it relates to the trauma i experienced. its a hard read and it comes with a trigger warning as some of the details are related to sexual trauma. however, i have found that reading it bit by bit has helped me in not feeling too overwhelmed while also being able to learn more about the symptoms of trauma and how it plays out in your life.

i hope this helps, i wish you well and i hope you know that healing (although takes time), is possible.

warm regards

[mmMekitty]

Hello again, wolfGirl89

I must apologise. I made a mistake. The phone number for 1800 RESPECT is: 1800 737732

Hugzies

mmMekitty. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi WolfGirl89

I was so sorry to read about the trauma and abuse you experienced as a young woman and how it is affecting you now.  Hugs to you, lovely.

I understand why you say you are feeling your 19-year-old self's shame.  But, I need you to know that the  shame was never hers.  The shame belongs to him. Always has and always will.

You haven't mentioned if you are seeking professional mental health support right now, but I think it could be really beneficial to you--it will very likely release you from the unhelpful feelings you are experiencing and help you find your path to "escape". 

One of the ways to seek help is to pop in to see your GP and have a chat about how you're feeling (make a double appointment so you're not rushed out the door).  Your GP will then prepare a mental health care plan for you and provide a referral to an appropriate practitioner.  One of the benefits of having such a plan is that it will enable you to access up to 10 Medicare subsidised appointments with a psychologist.

I wish you all the best as you work towards healing.

Kind thoughts to you

[therising]

Hi WolfGirl89

I have to say you are an incredible person having come so far in so many ways. While I know you may struggle to feel proud of yourself, what you have achieved is definitely something to be proud of.

I used to think 'becoming more conscious' was some wonderful zen-like experience what would lead me to feel glowing and all warm and happy inside. As I gradually began to 'wake up' to a number of things in my life, I found that becoming more conscious was, at times, incredibly painful, depressing and confusing. I thought 'How is this possible? Why am I not happier? What's wrong with me? Why do I feel so broken?'. I think some of it involves waking up to how things should have been, waking up to what we really deserved and waking up to how depressing things really were, while questioning how we just didn't see it. There can be a lot of self chastisement there. There can also be the factor of waking up to the nature of others and how depressing, stressful and self serving they had always been. So much to wake up to. Can be so incredibly challenging and draining in so many ways.

If it's of any help, I've come to see a kind of vapor trail of past selves. I suppose you'd call them the ghosts of who I was, all that are behind me. To be able to stand in front of the mirror and address an age or stage of myself, say somewhere in my late teens or 20s, and say 'It's okay, I love you', has been therapeutic in some way. It's something that's brought me to tears, such a level of self acceptance and self forgiveness. To be able to say to that part of myself 'You lived (then) based on the lack of life experience you had, based on less  knowledge and based on little guidance. Now, you and I know better' is another thing. Again, 'It's okay, I love you. We've got this'.