Emotional Abuse at home

[Changeit1114]

I’m a proud father of two kids and a wife of over 18 years. I love my family so much and would do anything for them.
I’ve struggled with mental health my whole life, I feel like my childhood was shitty and I can’t pinpoint why no matter how hard I think. My dad was an alcoholic who gambled a lot and had lots of ups and downs but I still can’t say why I was so messed up as a kid.
Me and my SO got together young and almost obsessed about eachother for years, I did have OCD so I guess I felt ok with that. Fast forward then we had our kids and suddenly my partner became even more important which made me scared to lose her, I would worry and obsess when she went out and worry she was going to cheat, I would accuse her of cheating with any male that was close to her including family and friends. My ocd would kick in and I became obsessed with it all and began to try to control it by reading her private phone and reading her messages and everything else. I then began to stop her from going out, having friends. If she was at home with me I had control. This has been going on for over 10 years. We’re almost about to break up.
I am an emotional abuser...
She is even scared to go to buy food without me.
In trapping her in this toxic relationship for so long I have made her a prisoner. As much as she is a prisoner I am too. To my mental health. I know that this isn’t the real me but have been scared to get true help. In my heart I know she is a good person and I trust her but my ocd or mental health questions things that I should never.


I want trust back, I want my life back, I want her to be proud of me and I want us both to be free, whatever it takes.


I’m ready to change and looking for a mental health facility that can take me for a couple of weeks so I may begin to repair myself. I’d prefer the holistic approach as I am weary of drugs/antidepressants.


Happy to hear any input, even if you want to tell me what an idiot I am, I deserve it.
I have called her every thing under the sun and treated her so bad, now even my young son is picking up on the negativity.
I want to change for my kids and her and myself too.
Please share input, happy to answer questions whether you have done what I’ve done or even if you are abused and want to ask me what you can’t ask your partner who may be an abuser too.

[Emmen]

Dear Changeit1114,

You are truly blessed to have a partner who has stayed with you and supported you all this while and you owe it to her to treat her well. I am glad you are taking this step towards a healthy relationship.

Since you already know that your behaviour is trapping your partner in a toxic relationship, I would think that a good first step would be for you to reflect on your actions every day and consciously stop the kinds of behaviour that you know are hurting her. I would say there are two things at play: your actions and your thoughts. The latter, you have to see a mental health professional for to stop the cycle of negative and suspicious thoughts. But your actions are something you have control over. For instance, you may think your partner is cheating on you, but it does not necessarily follow that you have to read her messages or even stop her from going out. You could instead write your thoughts down in a private journal, including your reasons for thinking she is cheating, as a way of exposing your own thought processes to yourself. You can follow up by consulting a mental health professional and getting help for these obsessive thoughts.

I would see my GP as a first step and get a referral to a mental health professional who can help. If you're in Victoria, you can also try the men’s behaviour change program (MBCP) run by Relationships Victoria (google them) and see if this is suitable for you. Alternatively look for a similar programme in your state.

Warmly,
Emmen

[Changeit1114]

Hi Emmen, thanks for the advice.
I certainly need professional help and intend to look into options this week, I need to see whether I should get a mental healthcare plan, NSW or seek a facility to get into a program. I am severely depressed and sometimes wonder whether my problems are too hard to sort out and whether it would be easier for everyone if I wasn’t here. If I feel that shit I can only imagine how bad it’s been for her...
I’m in NSW so I’ll see if there’s a similar program here.
thanks for the advice.

[Changeit1114]

Hopefully I can work life out, I’m booked in for a 3 week program at a mental hospital starting Monday.

[white knight]

Hi Changeit

well done.

I think your wife will be pleased with this development.

Over the weekend you might like to get your mind ready for Monday

google and just read the first post

beyondblue topic the best attitude for recovery

beyondblue topic forgiveness and forgetting- the two F’s for love

beyondblue topic feeding your brain

beyondblue topic focus and never ever give up

Those are just a fraction of what we have in our library here. Any topics use search bar

Keep us posted

TonyWK

[GimZim]

Hey changeit

That's fantastic news about the program. I think getting professional help is a really good first step in healing things in your family and following through with it, not just talking about looking into it proves you're serious about fixing things.

Best of luck.

[Emmen]

I'm glad to hear that Changeit1114. Do keep us updated on how you go. We're here to support you 🙂

M