Disengaging from toxic mother and siblings

[Alesandra]

Hello. 

I grew up in a household with two extremely narcissistic parents. On top of that my father was very verbally abusive, intimidating and would constantly put me down in front of others. He continued this behaviour towards me until he died 5 years ago. I have no feelings towards him anymore so don't grieve his death or wish he was alive so I could confront him. My mother is elderly with early dementia and the wreckage that she allowed under her watch is something I can't forgive. She was absent when I was growing up - always off doing something for her work, her social life and her status. She was also emotionally absent. She raised a bully of a son - my brother - who bullied me into adulthood and sexually abused me as a child. When I told my mother about the abuse when I was in my 20s she said "worse things have happened to people."  My sister, like my mother is a narcissistic and extremely superficial. She wants my brother's approval constantly so will support him in any dispute. A year after my father's death the trauma of my childhood and the ongoing bullying and degrading behaviour of my brother just came to the fore. I lost it and confronted each of the family members. Since then (4 years ago) we have barely spoken and despite therapy I don't feel I have moved on. I have been demonised by my brother, sister, their partners and their kids and have no contact wth them apart from occasional emails (which are extremely triggering) about my mother's care. I also loathe my mother but because I was constantly made to feel by my father and then my siblings that I was the cause of all the family fights and that "I would kill my mother" I am in a constant state of guilt when I don't see her. When I do see her I have a simmering rage. I would love to know how I can disengage from my family of origin. I have constant suicidal thoughts because of them. They will never reach out to me in any way or show any remorse and I just want to have nothing to do with them. But cutting them out completely is so hard. Any help appreciated. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I'm in a similar situation. I have a younger sister, I'm 66yo. We cut ties with our mother 12 years ago. She'd ruined my wedding in 1985 and other train wreck activities. So 15 years ago a friend told me to google "queen witch hermit waif" I then learnt what my mother was. But narcissism is part of many people's behaviour. A few weeks ago my sister followed our mother in running Xmas and "narcissistic triangulation" basically recruiting people to fight my daughter, the end came attempting to recruit me.

Basically to move on is two atep process. 1/ no contact means that- any contact can be manipulated. 2/ replace family with people in your life that love you enough to be family. Eg I have a mother figure, 3 sisters that are best friends. Also read up on " flying monkeys"

Yes it's hard. I hope you're OK. Reply anytime 

TonyWK

[Juliet_84]

Hi Alesandra,

I’m so sorry that you had to deal with long-standing narcissistic abuse from your father, and the added trauma of bullying and sexual assault from your brother in addition to that. The people who were meant to protect you didn’t and I’m sorry that they failed you so terribly. Your mother at best stuck her head in the sand and abandoned you physically and emotionally at worst seemed almost complicit in the abuse and willfully turned a blind eye. I have read that toxic families such as yours frequently identify a scapegoat (usually the person who speaks out about abuse) who they can direct their anger and terrible behavior towards and that allows them to continue the self-denial that they are fine and that everything is otherwise normal if not for this “problematic person”. That seems to be the case in your family where speaking out against abuse has you labeled as the troublemaker and gaslighted by your mother that “worse things have happened” as if that’s some sort of justification?? The fact remains that what your brother did to you is extremely serious not to mention illegal, and for good reason. At the end of the day, you just need to decide whether this is how you want to be treated and whether these are the type of people you want in your life. I would contend that no happiness will come from these people, only misery. And that is based on a very long history. Remember, it’s a privilege that must be earned to be in your life, not a right. And I would contend that they haven’t earned it. 

[tranzcrybe]

A useful quote from Course in Miracles:
     "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope of ever having a better past".

Whether or not siblings are still as you describe is being adversely influenced by the filter applied from past experiences. As such, keeping in contact or even cutting them out entirely may not adequately address your own mental turmoil for as long as this state exists.

One positive sign is that you are still kept informed regarding mother's condition. How might this be received without that filter? And although you have been demonised by siblings, what steps can you take to redress the perception (applicable to all) by the actions you take tomorrow?

[AnotherRandomUser]

I'm really sorry, I'm going through a similar thing. Narcissistic parents, one that I was often brainwashed in to feeling sorry for no matter how evil her actions were towards me. Every time she hurt me, I was made to apologize.
And recently finding out my siblings have treated me badly my whole life because they too have inherited the NPD and refuse to stop hurting me. I always thought they took their emotions out on me because of their own abuse from our parents, but it seems they are abusers themselves now too and feel no care for me.
My entire family have spent their whole lives abusing, neglecting and threatening me, but then brainwashing me in to believing I was responsible for everything they did; that I had to take care of them, that all the problems were my fault, that I was not allowed to say no. Its been heartbreaking seeing the people I care about treat me like this. Though admittedly I hate them now too, its hard not to after all the abuse.

In short I understand a bit of what you must be going through. Its hard when your own family have no kindness towards you and every time you try to do the right thing despite it, they only drag you down further. Taking advantage of your emotions until they take everything good away.

One thing I have learned that might be helpful is knowing youve likely been brainwashed to always blame yourself and feel sorry for them. And it makes it very hard to leave the abuse because of an obligated feeling to take care of them. But you are not responsible for them, and after they have treated you so badly, you have every right to walk the other way. They can find other people to take care of them, it doesn't have to be you. You need to take care of you.
It is easier said than done however, I myself have tried to walk away many times only to find myself feeling guilty, lonely or grief, and then finding myself trying to fix it again. But you just end up in the same cycle of hurt.

Still I hope you can find what you need to take care of yourself and not let them make you feel bad for doing so. Its really hard to disconnect from NPD control after being brought up with it, and just know that whatever happens its not your fault. You deserve to feel safe, loved and happy, and you shouldnt have to sacrifice those things for them.

[white knight]

Great reply AnotherRandomUser.

All your post is spot on. Many articles on the www show that NPD people are difficult to treat , impossible to sway their minds full of poor decisions and dont see their actions like narcissistic triangulation as being the wrong thing to do.

Eg If the narc has a argument with a person and recruits a frontline supporter for support (thats a flying monkey, meaning they will represent them, talk for them etc) rather than a sideline supporter (someone that emotionally supports but doesnt get involved) then they are a flying monkey... use google to read about it. 

Before xmas 2022 this occured in my own family and its soul destroying to watch close relationships split over issues not involving them.

TonyWK

[Loveanimals]

I feel for you.  I know exactly what you mean.  I am in a very similar situation. 

My only advice is to dump the lot of them.  You don't deserve this.  They don't deserve a decent person such as yourself.  I hope you will work things out.  Do NOT let them destroy you.  They are simply not worth it.  

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Loveanimals and other posters here,

 I hope you can find a way through your situation that supports you and gets you out of harmful situations with family members. I’ve just made the decision to go no contact with a particular relative and it feels liberating. Through researching it a lot I’ve been able to identify her as a covert or vulnerable narcissist. I know she will get extra rageful and seek to undermine me to other relatives, but I’ve reached a point where that doesn’t matter to me now. Others will either see through it and if not there’s nothing I can do about it anyway. I just want to get on with my life peacefully. I have another relative with narcissistic traits and a malignant narcissist partner. My contact with him is minimal now and may soon end as well. I’m starting to name things for what they are and no longer can tolerate the manipulation, bullying etc.

 I hope you and the original poster and anyone else affected by such circumstances can set themselves free from what has often been a lifetime of bullying, scapegoating etc. I hope you can follow what your soul needs, as well as connect with people who are genuinely kind and respectful towards you.

Take care and all the best.