Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

I’ll work backwards with this response.

I actually have booked last week for a new session with my existing psych, who I get on very well with.  It was just that she moved to the other side of the city, which makes it a bit more difficult to arrange;  but I’m need of a session and so I have a session with her later today.  I have no doubt it will fly by quick, as there is lots to unload about.

Interesting reactions with your psych (or perhaps moreso, your old psych) – but good to hear that things are going along ok with the new one;  and yes, it’s always awesome to have a good relationship with your doc.  That is something that cannot be taken too lightly – as this is your first port of call for any health related issue – a trusting and good relationship there is critical.   For info, I’m seeing my doc a bit later today also.  So wow, appointments here there and not quite everywhere.

I’m good with things with the car;  oil, water, petrol, tyres, etc – but inside the home, not really and not because I’m not wanting too – years ago in one of my first places I moved out of home too, I tried to change a lightbulb, something went wrong and I got zapped with electricity – nothing fatal (obviously! 🙂 but enough to scare the bejesus out of me.

Yes, definitely the logo will be the key central part, and all the awesome colours associated with this awesome team.  🙂  🙂  I know a lot of people don’t particularly like them (those obviously not Hawthorn supporters), but we Hawk fans LOVE our brown and gold.  If I ever owned a racehorse, I would design the silks to have those colours in some kind of pattern.  So yeah, it’ll be the logo and some words in a semi-circle above and below it;  which should fit very nicely on that bally kind of muscle that is the outer shoulder.

Wow, talk about a major fail by that workshop convenor – not good at all.

Fighters – yes, we’ve gotta fight every day – internal fights.  No one apart from us can know what this is like.  It’s horrendous.  I hope though by us chatting here, it is helping you along as well.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil,

you have no idea how much our conversations are helping me 🙂 I don't feel so alone and it feels good to be able to talk without the external filter on. I would prefer to do this outside an open chat room, but I can live with it.

How are you feeling after seeing your psych and your GP?  I am glad you went to see your psych today and I do hope that you were able to unload a little bit. How long have you been seeing your psych? I think it would be so important to have a trustful relationship with your psych. What do you discuss with your psych and what with your GP (if you don't mind me asking)? I am still so new to this that I am still curious how people work together on mental health. You said that you feel better when you unload - does the psych do anything to help you feel better? Do you see her regularly?

I understand your comment about appointments here/there/everywhere. For me scheduling physio, GP, chiro, massage and psych is quite a challenge! I feel actually awkward about the fact that the girls at the various practices all know me by name... I spend way too much time in doctors practices.

I am so glad I have a great GP and I can trust my GP, this journey would be terrible for me without my GP. I don't trust the new psych (yet?) and I will give it a serious try. When I talked to my GP after the last meeting, I realised that it is probably my problem that I shut off and not the suitability of the psych.

I had to increase my meds and have been feeling awful the last few days. At least I know that this too shall pass, I've gone through it a couple of times now. I am glad the week is nearly over, I just want to sleep!

How are you feeling now that your comp is over? Are you still training? I have lost my mojo and have been inactive for nearly 2 months 😞 I just don't know how to motivate myself anymore. Motivation is a major concern for me. I've put on weight and have gotten increasingly lazy. Still trying to work out how I can break the cycle. I hate being like this and I know that regular training actually benefits me - it has always helped me cope with my daily stress!

Hope you are feeling a little better today! Take care Neil, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

I’ve never been on anything on the interweb that is quite like this and it’s such an awesome site.  Just brilliant – I guess that’s one of the reasons I hang around here so much.  🙂

I’m so pleased that you’re find this helpful – and that’s another awesome thing about B.B. – people like us KNOW that we are not alone.  There’s so many like-minded people out there;  and you know what, I find the people who suffer from mental illness are amongst the nicest people you could ever meet.  Be it in person, or simply via this medium.

I did have a great session with my psych yesterday;  though the hour flew by;  but as I wrote in my diary last night, it’s excellent because with her I can talk about absolutely “anything” and feel 100% comfortable doing so.  She listens and then at appropriate times will challenge me a little with suggestions, recommendations, options etc.  I’ve been seeing her now, for oh, about 4 years.

I went to my doc mostly because I’m injured and need to get referrals for ultra sounds – on the ball of my right foot and also my left shoulder;  so I’ve been away from the gym for almost two weeks now.  Which doesn’t make me a very happy person at the moment.  Not good at all.

Ps:  you won’t hear from me over the weekend either, as our home computer is on the blink.

So yes, no gym for me and things are not good as my body is ouching me and I don’t like it.

Sorry, I seem to be complaining more on your thread than I should.

Keep up your clean eating – drink loads of water, especially as the weather is getting hotter;  and more water.  It helps to flush you out the bad stuff and keep all the muscles alive and hydrated.

Also I have come across two AWESOME quotes that I reckon should be pinned up somewhere:

If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.

If it is important to you, you’ll find a way.

If not, you’ll find an excuse.

I enjoy those things – excellent mottos or mantras to have.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil,

 shorter version... ran out of words...

Can we please agree that this is our thread and you can complain as much as you like? If you do not feel comfortable with this, can you please start a thread called Neil & Yggy's thread? Seriously, I think we should support each other and both off load when we are upset and I appreciate that you tell me how you are in this thread.

The people here are really nice and helpful and make me feel like I am not alone. I also like that I can talk about things without scaring and worrying people around me. You understand that there are awful days, awful nights, how dreadful it is to be stuck in your own thoughts... but you also know that we soldier on and you can provide insights in how you soldier on. For an outsider it is so difficult to relate. For an outsider it is difficult to offer help.

I am glad you had a good session with your psych. So you can talk to her  about absolutely anything - and I do not wish to know what you meant by that - but what I would be interested to know is whether you feel a little bit better now. Did the session help you? And if so, when are you seeing her again?

Are you always keeping a diary? Over the decades I have kept diaries on and off, at times I wrote every single day. It has been extremly rare that I look back at a diary. I tried this year to review my week every Sunday, but stopped that after a couple of weeks. Now that I am having the odd good day, I should start again, just to build resilience for the next blow.

I wish you all the best with your right foot & left shoulder and I hope you will be 100% soon. You have not been in the gym in two weeks - how much do you think, does that impact on your mood? For me I notice a significant impact and although I know I have a lot of issues from the past to work through, a very high stress level at work, I think I drifted full steam into depression when I stoppped full training nearly 2 years ago. Most days I cannot motivate myself to move anymore. Where it used to be me battling & begging the physio and GP to let me train, now they encourage me to get going again.  I love the two quotes you mentioned and used to live them - now I am in constant doubt, I have lost my confidence. Every time I start, I get injured. This will be one of the things I will discuss with my GP tomorrow.

I had a few really bad days with the new dose of meds. That seems to have settled, fingers crossed, I had 2 good days in a row!

What did you do on the weekend? xox

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Ok, agreed – no worries about me unloading here as well.

You know, even for someone who suffers it still can be damn confusing – for the particular individual, why in the hell did we get this/why can’t we get rid of it?  I guess we get it due to our systems not being able to produce the right amount of chemicals to make our lives, hmmm, I was gonna say normal, but I’ll say different.  Because really “what IS normal?”

I did feel better for the session – & will be aiming for another one in about 3 weeks.  While it is good to unload, it still takes a lot of mental effort to get prepped enough to go there.

Hey, what you described that you used to do is exactly what I do & have done so for many years.  Come the Sunday evening, after I wrote down that days activities, events, I then grab last year’s diary & I read what transpired in the exact same week, one year ago.  Sometimes I’ll do it for the last two years, but it’s definitely the last year.  But yeah, with the diary I don’t miss a day & haven’t now since early April 1994 – when me & my partner officially started going out.  Have thought in the past that if something ever happened with us, that I would still keep the diaries going – I think it’s just a part of me now.

Not getting along to the gym is a huge downer on my mood – & not only that, but as I’ve got foot soreness, I can’t really get out & run or do any kind of exercise either;  so it’s as frustrating as all hell.

It can be so hard when we get out of that mode – the gym or fitness mode.  The motivation to get back into it can be lacking.  I guess I’m weird in that way, as I always get back to it – & sometimes I get back a bit too soon & just work around my injury.  I just figure, if my mind is stuffed up, it doesn’t mean that my body should be either.  At this point, I can’t beat my mind, but I am able to ‘rule’ my body & so I take it along to the gym to get it fitter, feed it good food, drinks loads of water, etc.

Did lots of gardening on the weekend;  our backyard isn’t too bad with different sections of it with different kinds of themes;  so now we’re trying to put some work into the front – where people see to make it look pretty ok as well.

24th November – 8 years today since I said ‘goodbye’ to my Dad.  Time just doesn’t stand still.

Are you levelling out a bit now & feeling a bit better – hopefully “over” that bad period with your news meds?

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil,

how was your day yesterday? How do you remember your Dad? One thing I loved about my Dad is that he always made us feel so special. We were the normal working class family, my Dad always working or away, my Mum working part-time and looking after us. But when my Dad was home, he was home. He would read us stories, not bedtime stories, we would cuddle up with him on his office floor and he would read out of big books and he would just be our Dad. He would take us camping, just the three of us and do adventures with us. He was like that until he died. Even as a young adult I had lunch dates just with him, so we could talk one on one. I loved being with my Mum as well and we spent many family holidays together, but the times when it was just my Dad and me/us stick out.

What themes do you have in your garden? We have aviaries, a pond, waterfall, a cactus garden, various sitting areas, I just love being out in the garden - and spend way too little time in there.

I'm still battling some of the side effects or the aftermath of the side effects and it will take a little longer, but my mind has cleared, so it is much easier to put up with all the other issues. I'm hanging in there and I am making sure to get enough rest - not necessarily sleeping as that is difficult at the moment, but rest. I am trying to be kind to myself.

Can you walk with your bad foot? Just a little stroll around the park in the sunshine? I find that helps me a little bit when there is nothing else I can do. Or can you go for a swim? Could you ride a bike? I know how frustrating it is to get "ruled" by my body, but I try to lower the scales as low as I have to and at least do something - even if I would not classify it as exercising or training... Do you need your shoulder and your foot for sit-ups?

Why did we get this? I still struggle to call it mental illness. I have not got the brain flu. I feel that my brain had a few accidents and has not recovered from the impact. Probably some areas will never be the same. So I think I am mentally injured and in some areas mentally disabled - but then you're right, what is normal? Or can we not deal with the injury because we are mentally ill? 

I'm glad you are checking in with your psych again in a few weeks. Yes the prep can be exhausting. Now I try to keep notes for what I need to discuss, I don't check them in between, but then before the appointment I make a list of what is important to discuss. At least with my GP this works.

Big hugs, Yggy

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Wow, your Dad sounded amazing – what wonderful memories you have of him and those will live with you forever;  beautiful memories to cherish.  That’s the kind of image I would want for my children to remember me by – oh, except for the camping part;  we’re not campers at all.  I tell others that camping is what our forefathers had to do, so we don’t have to nowadays.

The day was similar to my other days – though I remember the exact time for each of the three of my main loved ones deaths, so yesterday at 4:30pm, I just sat down and reflected for a while on Dad.  But how do I remember Dad?  That’s a good question.  Your memories are so special;  may I ask how long has it been since you lost your Dad?

My memories are always tinged with sadness, as my grief and longing for him are still very strong.  But when I do think of him, he was the nicest, friendliest, gentle and hard-working man and I’m so proud that he was my Dad.  He worked hard on the farm and he also was the son to take over “his” Dad’s farm;  which is where I grew up.

With a mate, together we constructed a video for Dad’s 80th b’day – wow, some 12 years ago now.  I gathered together 100’s of photos, some way way back in the day and we then combined the photos with some of Dad’s favourite songs;  incorporated it all for a flowing tribute from his early days, to meeting Mum, to the family, the farm and some of his and Mum’s holidays.  It was 17 minutes of something that I’m so very proud to have done for him and the night we presented it to him, was very special.

Wow, your garden sounds amazing.  That’s the kind of thing we’re aiming for;  though with having chooks wandering around the place, it makes it a bit harder to have things “as we want them”.  Though we are unfortunately down to just one chook now.  I cleaned out our big pond on the weekend, have 3 fat fish in it and a lovely water lily;  always a huge job to clean it out.

Yeah, my foot is annoying, but I can walk reasonably ok and my shoulder is slowly healing;  so may try to get back to gym next week and see what I can do.

That note taking and keeping is a very good habit for anyone to have.  It sure can help during an appointment, but also in the lead up to appointments, so you can help to outline out what’s the main triggers at any one point in time.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I just want to say HI and wish you a good weekend. I wrote a long and difficult post this morning about my Dad and your Dad and I think it will not appear, as when I pressed "post this reply" I got an error message and the system on bb was down.

I do want to share my thoughts and memories with you and I will write the post again this weekend. But I cannot do so now. It can feel my coping strategies kicking in and I am sad. It is ok to be sad and like I said, I do wish to share my experience with you, but not now, it is too exhausting. I am ok though, I have gone for a walk and will now start to work.

Take care Neil and I hope you have nice plans for the weekend. All I want is to relax and sleep! Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I have been struggling to write this post again. Some memories are not easy. I lost my Dad 13 years ago and he had just turned 53. I graduated from uni the year before and got married a couple of months before. It sometimes feels like he had done what he was on earth for, raised my brother and me, saw us through our education & saw us getting married and then he left us. I think he always knew he would die young. When he turned 50 he fulfilled his life long dream of travelling the world. He told me on his 50th birthday that everything else will be a bonus. He died of side effects of a routine operation. My life has never been the same and it does not get easier. The years have passed when I cried every day, the years have gone when I thought of him every day, saw his face in every man who was blond and had glasses, cried when I saw a father and daughter... but when I get sad, I am sad. It is not only the effect on me of losing my Dad. Our family has changed, my mum has changed, we all grief differently at different points in our life, many feelings remain unsaid. My Dad was the final blow to a decade of losing a lot of family. We had this strong circle of four. I cannot explain how important this bond was.

But it is nice when I can remember him the way he was. What you wrote about your Dad sounds lovely. I am pleased that you were able to do a movie of his life and it sounds absolutely amazing, very special! I have a picture of your Dad now and may I say that you and I are the lucky ones, to have had Dads that we can be proud of. No matter how hard it is, we have nice memories and they were part of our life.

What happened to the farm? Do you go there some times? What kind of farm was it? Did you grow up growing your own food? I have fond memories of my grandparents, who were self-sufficient.

I hope you can go to the gym next week, but try not to overdo it 😉 What are you going to start with? I am off to the gym tomorrow. I have asked a PT to structure my training. I don't know how to start.

I wrote notes for my psych last night. I wonder if I will have the courage to give him my notes. I still don't like him. I wonder if I will need to debrief with my GP again. I said to my GP the other day, I don't think it has anything to do with the psych, it is me. Do you need to like your psych?

The increased meds are working, my brain has cleared. I have been sad and upset and in bad moods, but not in this nerve wrecking cycle of thoughts.

Take care, Yggy

[Tiffany861]

Hi Yggy,

I am new here and haven't read all 79 post in this thread but I just wanted to respond to the last bit of your last post about liking your Psych. And the answer is Yes you should like your psych, you are on a very personal journey and they are there to guide you, if you dont click with them, you are less likely to share, and the less you share the less they have to go on to help you.

But don't worry they teach the importance of clicking with your patients in the very first year at uni, so you won't be offending anyone if you say "hey you know what I don't feel I click with you" and they may even be able to recommend another psych they think you might work better with. It's important to shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. I think you already know that if you had a better connection with your psych it would make it easier to hand over your notes and let the healing begin. 

wish you all the best Yggy

 Kind regards 

Tiff