Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

I’m super pleased to hear that you were able to write down that thing the other night.  Especially something obviously so powerful & deep meaning for you that you’ve never been able to talk about it.  Yes, it may feel a bit strange or odd, possibly to see it now written down, potentially may hurt, as it’s now out there.  Do you think you’d be able to share it with your psych?   Even give it to them to read?   That could be a major huge step – but if you feel safe, secure & trust in that environment, perhaps when you’re ready, it might be something to think about doing?

One thing though that I would like to pull you up on though – where you said you feel ashamed & dirty.  Now I don’t know the background at all & that’s fine – this thing that is ripping you up inside is obviously something terrible & major that happened to you.  I’m guessing also that it happened a long time ago from what you’ve written, I really want to say that you should not be feeling ashamed or dirty about something that happened to you when you were young.  My play on this is that when things happened to others when they were young, it is never the fault of the young person – how could it be?  They are the impressionable ones, they are the innocent, the ones needing protection & nurturing – the ones who are vulnerable.  No shame or guilt or any other like emotion should ever be linked to someone who has experienced something terribly traumatic as a young person.

The past feeling is something that does unfortunately play on us & I guess for the most part, that’s why & where we have to suffer this – because this is what depression does for us.  It makes us dwell & ponder on the bad things, on the negatives, this evil mongrel illness that we have.

Others who have had fairly ‘ok’ lives – where they haven’t had to deal with anything overly traumatic, they are able to mosey along – sometimes living in the past, but then those may be reasonably happy memories for them.  For us, who’ve done it tough in the past, this is where our evil minds really get to us & puncture our thoughts, our living moments with awful occurrence’s from the past & it’s not good, it’s bloody awful in fact.

I hope the above makes some kind of sense & that I haven’t overstepped the mark at all.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil & All,

thank you for your posts. I have been getting a little help (phone support) throughout the day. I have a GP appointment tomorrow. I am not sure what the GP can do though. I am not sure what anyone can do so I focus on the next step, one little step at a time and I will call for more support when necessary. Please do not worry if I don't get in touch for a bit, I promise I will take care of myself.

Thank you for being my friends, Yggy

[Guest_5218]

Okay Yggy, I understand all that.  Take care.  We will all be thinking of you, and wishing you well.

Sherie xx

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re struggling so badly with things – I really wish I could help you better in some way, but I guess words can only have so much effect, can’t they.

Small steps Yggy, small goals and please take the best of care of yourself.

I’ll look out for you for when you feel able to come back.

Kind regards to you my friend,

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I was very angry last night. I still am. But it is a different anger now. It is an anger that is not directed at anyone or anything, I am just angry. And I actually feel sort of good for being angry. I am blasting the music in my car and I have energy. I know I will deflate at any point now as I have barely slept, but I am glad I realised now that this is just my normal cycle - and yes I have always prefered to be angry than feeling helpless, hopeless and worthless.

I will get there with time and I will write more when I feel different again. 

Hope you are feeling ok, training is going well and keep out of the heat today. Is it hot where you are? 

Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

I thought I’d responded to this, but I can’t find my original one back – so here I go with “Take 2”.

I think finding good avenues for releasing anger is a hugely beneficial thing for us.  The more that any anger inside us remains there, I think the more it has detrimental effects on us – the building up – the old pressure cooker effect.  So better to release it, rather than let it build up where it could blow when we’re not really meaning for it to come to the fore which could cause some uncomfortable or troubling situations.

The terms I really dislike are the ones ‘helpless’, ‘hopeless’ and ‘worthless’.  These are the ones where our depression is screaming at us and is telling us these things – using that brain-washing kind of technique, where something is told to our minds, to our subconscious so much, that in the end, we believe it to be true.  That’s where we’ve gotta reach down deep and find our true inner selves – reach for the positives about us, that we ARE good people, that we ARE worthy.

It’s that old thing again, I think where we are all our own person – this is the person that we’ve developed to be and because of that we are incredibly unique.  As no two people are the same – how brilliant is that.

I’m going along ok, I think.  Nothing amazing, but as I found in another post just today, someone wrote something like that despite having to cope with the hidden and underlying feelings of depression and unhappiness, we still get up each day and breath in and out and continue to exist.  Sorry, that sounds a bit maudlin, but I guess that’s why we’re on this site, eh.

I enjoy the hot weather, but it didn’t last too long, as we’ve had a big blast of really cold again … but did get a small amount of rain late yesterday.  Better than nothing.

Take care my friend,

Neil