Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

How was your first week back at work? I hope you are having a good weekend. Have you got sunshine where you are? We had a lot of rain during the week, but it cleared up nicely for the weekend. I did a hike in the national park yesterday.

When you train, how do you plan your day? Do you train in the morning or after work? How do you fit the extra hours into your daily routine?

I sleep a lot, often interrupted. I am not a night owl. I am exhausted at night and fall asleep quickly. I dream a lot and wake during the night, sometimes staying up for an hour or so. I wake without an alarm, but am still tired.

I would love to get back into board games, I have to get in the habit of taking them out when we have friends around - we never seem to think of games these days. Code names sounds like a pretty good game as well. Another of my favourites is Pictionary, we've had so many laughs with that.

I have a new training goal - and I am setting it within my own limits. I had to cancel so many events, but I think I have set a realistic goal taking my own restraints into account, whether they be physical or time-restraints. I am starting to see that setting realistic goals, thinking realistic thoughts will be a key in my well-being. I think well-being is the correct word. Recovery is not possible. It is a life long process whether for my physical or mental health.

It is a difficult journey. Whenever I think I understand myself better, I walk around the corner and turn out as confused as ever or more. I have read a little about childhood trauma and wondered why they call it complex, but I am starting to see. Tackling behaviours I had all my life, confuses me to the point where I wonder who I am. Loving and hating key persons in my life is very difficult for me. Wondering why people did not protect me better, makes me feel hurt. There are so many craters opening up and it is really difficult. I am glad I started getting help last year and that I started taking medication - I don't think I would have been able to cope. I cannot talk to family and friends about this, as I am so scared that my life will just fall apart.

I am still working on challenging thoughts, and that is helpful. To remember things I am capable of and to collect evidence that my mind is telling me lies, is so good. I have notes in my phone and photos to remind me of my "successes" - daily activities that I lost confidence in doing. Slow, but steady progress.

Neil, have a good week, big hugs, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Good morning Neil,

another week has started, another day where I am just exhausted and making myself go to places, do things in the hope I will feel better. Will it ever change? Will I ever jump out of bed again thinking the world is mine, full of energy and motivation? I am getting so tired of this.

What keeps you going every morning?

Take care, Yggy x

[Durras]

Hi Yggy,

I don't know if this will help but I wanted to drop a post to you as I do understand. I done a post last week I think I titled it (Sick of not feeling normal) or something to that.

Last week was my worst, I was feeling so low, lack of energy, trying to keep myself busy and positive was draining me from any energy I did have and I was stuck with all the negative thoughts, emotions and feelings running through me. I survived it, it passed here I am today.

I think we all look forward to that day when we can go back to that time when we can jump out of bed feeling excited for each day and nothing seems to be so much of a chore anymore and when we know the world is our oyster that we can achieve anything.

Yggys I don't know how I done it, but I survived it. What I did is research into something that I am interested in for me that is looking for a job or a course. I went for a job interview for hospitality and decided NO my body and mind was telling me NO. I looked into studies and found a course that I can do in nursing so I am now focusing on that.

I also ordered some books/information from the BB website to help me with what it is I am wanting to get through such as quitting smoking while suffering this depression. I read it last night and feel ready to take it on after I discuss this with my psychologist.

What I did too which I haven't done is make myself a list of what to do for each day this week. Even if I don't do everything on each list at least I know I can cross something of and feel happy that I did that.

It is so hard to find that energy but having little steps can make a difference and be proud when you have achieved them as I mentioned above you don't have to achieve all at one time.

I hope this helps in some way. Wishing you all the best with every day and thoughts are with you.

Durras

X

[Guest_5218]

Hi Durras,

Just a very quick post as I head off to work.  I recall your thread last week of "Sick of not Feeling Normal", and I did comment on it.  I must say that I was very concerned for you during that time.  It is great that you are now feeling much better, and being active on the BB website again.  And that you again have some purpose in your life and goals which you are aiming for.   Well done.

Yggy - I note that you also have set yourself some achievable goals.  Thats the way to go, make them achievable and that way you can feel good when you reach them.  Otherwise we are constantly falling short of our high standards and subsequently consider ourselves a failure.  And thats hard.  Yggy I know you are undergoing some pretty rigorous therapy at present.  I think I have said to you before, that it will get harder before it gets better.  But stick with it and I'm confident that you will get results in the end.  It is a very long and torturous journey though.  

Sherie xx

[Durras]

Hi Sherie,

Thank you for your post and sorry I made you so concerned but I have to say thank you also. I never left the BB and can't see myself leaving, this is amazing place and beautiful place, it is great to  know their are people who care. It is strange to know I have some very valuable friends through this screen and friends that genuinely care.

Sherie I hope you have a wonderful day at work and let you know I also care for you.

Big hug to you

Durras

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

The work week was ok – nothing too heavy on, so it cruised through ok.

The weekend was good, though it began to warm up yesterday and for the rest of this week, I don’t think there’s any temps under 30 degrees;  35 today and 36 tomorrow.  I don’t mind the heat, which I think I’m in the minority – where people prefer the cold more, but I just find it so harsh and hard to get mobile or motivated when it’s so freezing.

A hike in the national park sounds a very good thing, and positive for you – to be out in nature and being mobile as well – a double win for you.

I train mid-arve, straight after I finish work – which is usually around 2:45pm.  So I get to the gym before it gets too busy, so am able to get in and out, usually without too many distractions.  Though some distractions can be better than others – if you get my drift.  🙂

Gym is part of me;  part of my lifestyle, so when I don’t go, it’s a matter of finding something to do to occupy my time.

I find I’m dreaming heaps of late as well – and there can be so many in the one night and usually of late, they’re all reasonably ok – but very varied.

I do enjoy Pictionary as well.

 Your training goal sounds very good and that you’ve obviously put some good thought into it as well.  I have my fingers crossed that it will work for you.

Who am I?  I had that same kind of question a couple of years ago – and it can be a scary one, but in the end, it’s really a simple answer.  You are you – the person you are, is Yggy.  Nothing can change that, really – perhaps you can get some more clarity for things in your past, but the person you are now, is the person that you’ve built, constructed and put together.  And from what I know about you, this person is an intelligent, caring, loving, well adjusted individual with great compassion.  Then underneath all of that, you do have your simmering pot of issues that happened to you a long while ago and those are the ones that I believe you’re working through now, to hopefully find some peace or even closure from experience’s past.

Keep on with the positives Yggy – they are so crucial for us in our everyday lives.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear All,

thanks for your replies. I am glad I have support here.

I feel like someone has taken the ground away from underneath me and I am just walking through clouds. I am just so tired. I don't like my own company at the moment. I will try to write once I have something senseful to say. 

Sorry for the short email, but I just wanted to say thank you.

Hugs, Yggy x

[Durras]

Hi yggy,

So sorry your feeling this way, wish their was something I could do. I am thinking of you and hope this will get better, believe me they do as I was feeling similar to this last week. Yggy your a very caring and wonderful person. Sending you a big hug and thoughts are with you

Durras

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

thank you for reminding me that I am me. I have copied that paragraph so I can remember when I get lost. It is all I am able to read.

I had a sleepless night, but I somehow found the courage to write something down that I have never been able to talk about. It feels strange and wrong and it hurts, but I need help. I feel so ashamed and I feel so dirty and hurt. I feel angry and I am disappointed. I am feeling so much in the past and I cannot feel anything else. I keep my facade up, but I am falling. I will try to call the psych today. I am not sure how I will manage today, I have a long day at work ahead. It is 5:30am and I feel so drained. In CBT they ask what is the physical symptom - I would think paralysed. I feel heavy and cannot move and my mind is racing and so is my heart, but there is nothing I can do. I feel like I have lead in my body and someone erased my mouth. 

Take care, Yggy x

[Kazzl]

Dearest yggy, hugs for you my friend. I too get stuck in the past sometimes and it can be immobilising. Something I try to remind myself is that the past need not define us. We live in the present. And I want to reinforce what Neil said - you are an intelligent, very caring, lovely person, who contributes so much to others. We all benefit from knowing you. Hang on to that mate. You are you, and people love you for it.

Hope you get through your day OK mate. Maybe see you tonight?

Kaz