Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mrs. Dools,

Lovely to hear from you again. I am sorry you are in a lot of pain at the moment and that it keeps you from doing things you would like to do. I agree that pain is like depression, completely uncontrollable.

I find fires very scary. We never had fires where I grew up and I am still getting used to bush fire season. My husband is obviously more advanced in his knowledge, as he knew why to clean out the gutters – I thought because of the heavy rain. I think he is preparing our house for bush fire season. We had fires coming close a few years ago.

Your course at TAFE sounds interesting, I like learning new things and often take courses. It is a bit of a waste at the moment, as I cannot really concentrate and memorize anything, but I like it on the day. I am learning about opening my own business soon.

I’m thinking of all the people you have lost in your life and especially your babies. I often run charity runs and there are always mums running with angel wings – I cannot imagine yours and their grief. I think the hardest thing about my grief is that I was never able to grief. I always had to function, I had to continue, I could never let go. I drowned a lot of my trauma and grief for a while until I learnt other techniques. At times I can feel the despair as if it is happening in that moment. It is overwhelming. Time has not healed my wounds, the scars have not faded, but I can feel them less often.

I like your idea with the rose garden. I used to have plants from many of my loved ones, a plant my dad bought for me, a cactus from my nan... I love plants. But when we moved to Australia I had to give them all away. It nearly broke my heart.

Do you have nice plans for the weekend? I will meet some friends and enjoy my time in the garden. I feel like I have not been home in weeks, so I am looking forward to a relaxing time.

Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

You made me smile. No, I have never thought about taking up counselling. I don’t think that a person who requires counselling would be a good counsellor? I am a number person  – the one that is awful at sports. I can assure you that being good with numbers does not necessarily make you confident or skilled around people. My friend at school used to say to the other kids: when you get to know her, she is actually really nice...

I am not sure if withdrawing from society and being by yourself is such a bad thing. I do like my own company. As a youngster I would spend hours doing crafts or doing maths. I have started spending time in my own company again lately. I find comfort listening to classical music and colouring in, or I just sit there and do numbers. Perhaps I have just left my comfort zone for too long and played the game of growing up, I do think society has moulded me in a way that made me comply with what others expected. I used to sit in the bar and do maths on a beer mat and think nothing of it 😉

On one of my travels I was advised not to travel at night. But my friend and I wanted to get home. We took the car, travelled at night and got lost. We got lost and were chased and got shot at. We ducked, my friend did a
frantic U-turn and we were speeding down the road. We made it out alive. I nearly shit my pants. Before that I had never felt so threatened. It could have gone another way. My friend did not force me to go, he did not knock me out and put me in the car against my will. I had a choice. I made a choice. If I did not come home that day, it would have been my own fault, not my friend’s. But I am sure he would have felt guilty the rest of his life. We make choices every day.

I understand your comment about aging overnight. I have seen that in my family. It is so hard to witness, especially if you are hurting as well.

I hope you will find peace when the estate is settled. Do you know how much longer it will take? I can understand that these hurtful comments have dragged you right back in time. It is not fair!

What happened since? You have a beautiful daughter so you must have met her mother at some point? Do you live on a farm now? I feel weird asking this as I don’t want to cut you off talking about your brother, so I leave the choice to you. If you want to tell me more about your pain, I am here for you.

Big hugs, Yggy x

PS: How is the tattoo healing?

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

my post for you is somewhere in cyberspace. I am sure it will turn up eventually.

Have a good weekend & thinking of you, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Good morning Mrs Dools,

Good morning Neil,

the weekend was tough. I am not sure if other people have this problem, but I can get in a downwards spiral and struggle to get out. When the weekend is all about relaxing, my mind seems to think, yay we have time to torture her. We had friends over Saturday and I hovered between showing up with a good face, taking time out, and using unhealthy coping techniques. Yesterday I seemed to drag around a  physical and emotional hangover from the day before. But I pushed myself to do a few items on my to do list and focussed on my mantra: sometimes it's ok if the only thing you did today was breathe. 

I'm seeing the psych this morning. Not sure if I find it helpful as he was on my worry list all weekend too. I'm trying to do exercises where I gather evidence pro and contra to a worry, but I think I only believe it half heartedly. 

Anyway I hope you had a better weekend and I wish you a good start in the new week! Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy;

I’ve gotta ask – how on earth can you do maths on a beer mat (or coaster, perhaps)?   I’m really puzzled by that.  By the way, nothing wrong with it, but just wondering what it entails – in as brief a response as you can muster – remember, I’m no brainiac, so if you start going into the square roots of the hypotenuse, divided by 360 degrees and then adding a pinch of algebraic dimensional theory, I’ll probably need a cup of tea and a good lie down afterwards.

Oh boy – how long ago was that night-time happening for you?   I called it a “night-time happening” as I’m stuck for words for what it was.  Hair raising and terribly frightening, and that’s putting it lightly is what I would call it.  I’m also hoping that it was overseas and not downtown near where you live !!

With regard to the estate, it’s now basically up to that “other blood relation”.  My bro and I are all fine with things – despite how this has continued on and how horrible they’ve been;  but for us, the sooner the better now.

I’m pretty reasonable about talking on things – but I am a bit confused by your last para?     Yes, I do have a beautiful daughter and also an amazing young man (17yo), my son – but I’m unsure about your comment about meeting her Mum?

No, don’t live on the farm – it unfortunately got sold a number of years ago – I live in a city.

Yes, my tatt is healing nicely – and getting to the occasional itchy stage, but it’s all good and I love it.  As I do with all my tatts.  Did I tell you that I’ve got another one happening this time next week?   That one will be in memory of Mum;  and will also have a loop of a rose vine that will link through Dad’s one as well.  Am very much looking forward to that.

I know what you mean about the weekend – I have had those feelings too.  I mean, it used to be all fine & giddy up for the weekend, but now it’s ‘oh crap, another weekend & days where my thoughts will invade me evilly again’.

Though you weren’t fairly overly flash on Sunday, I liked your mantra of trying to work through things as positively as you can.  That’s the best we can do sometimes – set ourselves little goals & reach them.  Or to extend ourselves a little out of our comfort zone;  where most people sit during the day, achieving not much but if we can just reach outside of that & motivate ourselves to try for something a little more, that could be worthwhile.

Hope that made sense.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil, 

I think I will need some time to process this morning's appointment. I just don't know what to think, how to continue. I tried to be open and honest. But now I just feel trapped. He increased the dose again and said if I don't get better, we will have to change meds. Once I am stabilised and xmas is out of the way, we could start psychotherapy, whatever that is. I felt this morning as all the time with the other psych - withdrawn, speechless, without a plan. And I also felt exhausted and drained after the appointment. 

Trust the process? Trust the system? I'm all over trusting people. 

Anyway...

My comment about "her mum" - I was not sure what you relationship you have / had with your wife (?), but that might be another positive aspect of your life to look at. And yes you told me you were a proud Dad of a fabulous son too! 

You mentioned your tattoo for your Mum before - what is your tattoo to remember your Dad? I love your idea of letting them link together.

My night time happening, as you call it, happened 15 years ago and on another continent. I did not want you to think about how freigthenig this might have been for me, but rather realise that we all make choices and your brother did as well. If at all I blame myself for being so stupid to go against the advise of locals. I still know why I did my choice, and looking back it was a stupid reason, but back then it was my choice. I never blamed my friend. And yes, I have never been the same since, and in general I never even classified this as a life changing event - I think some things just have this sneaking effect on you and one day you wake up and realise that something has never been quite the same (or they seem so insignifcant until you tell someone else).

Big hugs from a very lost Yggy (once again) x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

I know exactly what you mean – after unloading and talking about all sorts of issues in an appointment, you do feel absolutely buggered afterwards – exhausted and drained and kind of flat as well.  But I always look at that as a good thing, as it took no doubt a lot of effort to get it all out and from that, hopefully stemmed some coping mechanisms, but above all else, it can be just as useful to get things off the chest.

I do hope the increase of dose works for you – at least the signs of improvement will be far quicker as you’re already on it – rather than having to get started on something different and having to wait for it to get into the system and for it to work its magic (hopefully).

Trust those who you consider friends or will have your back – OR – someone professional who you have every confidence in.  Apart from that, treat others with caution.  That’s how I look at things.

Ohhhh, you meant her Mum, as in my partner?   Oh yeah, well we’ve been manacled together, I mean, we’ve been together for wow, about 21 years, so I’m the sire and she’s the dam of our two fine off-spring, so hopefully that sets the picture a bit better.

My Dad’s tatt is another one by my design – it’s set inside a pair of angel’s wings and inside those wings (which are facing down) is a horse-shoe and has Dad inside the horse shoe, and then underneath the horse shoe are three coloured stars, with Dad’s two years;  of entrance and exit of this world.  It’s all coloured as well;  in beautiful colours and I’m so very proud of it.

That situation would have been so terribly frightening;  I do hope I haven’t tweaked any old feelings about it and that you’re ok to talk about it.

Back to your recent appointment – you mentioned you feel trapped?  Trapped by what?  Is it the feeling of being trapped by this mongrel illness and despite seeking out professional assistance, you feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel;  no real breakthrough, that the situation continues to remain the same?   Just asking.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil,

how are you? How was your day? I hope you are feeling a little better.

I still owe you an answer on the maths. Pretty much anything fits on a coaster. I still do business meetings in the pub and sometimes sketch and take notes on coasters 😉 Intricate maths problems & solutions have left me since school / uni days.

Manacled... I enjoy picking up new vocabulary! This is not the first time that I had to look up one of your words. Thanks!

 It's great that you have a partner who has been with you for a long time. I've been with my husband 20 years and he is definitely someone who will have my back. I am very grateful about that. He may not understand what is happening with me, but then I don't either...

It sounds like you put so much thought into your tattoos! You described them wonderfully. I love colourful tattoos and they sound so special. Are you very creative? How do you choose a tattoo? I'm trying to picture the roses intertwining with the angel wings. What is in the 3rd star? And what is the 3rd tattoo you want to have this year? How do you choose where to put your tattoos? You said you want to be able to see them - do they all link up with eachother? Do you have 10 now?

I feel trapped because I feel so dependent at the moment. I take meds and see my psych and GP like what feels all the time and I feel just so dependent. I was wondering today, why I feel incapable of making simple decisions in my own life without feeling completely overwhelmed. I know what is good for me, I know what I can do to make me feel better, physically and to a certain extend mentally, but I just go blank when I need to make decisions for myself. The meds are helping a little and my concentration has improved slightly. I think the biggest improvement is actually my motivation, at least at work. Days when my mind goes in a merry-go-round leave me exhausted and flat.

My frustration at the appointment is that I did not off-load. I went blank and answered in single words. I don't know what went wrong, but I have been there before. I just go blank, withdrawn, I rub my fingers and I have difficulties to follow the psych. As soon as someone mentions they want to talk about my past, I feel like I just go into hiding. I have talked to my GP since, I think I just need to be patient with myself, some day I will allow someone to ask me questions.

Have you ever tried any of the online self-help programs?

Hope you are ok. Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

I can't take it anymore,  Every day feels like a war

The Devil in the mirror,  Screaming that my heart is flawed

I'm never gonna let you win,  No I will not surrender

Even if I start to fall,  I swear to you I'll rise again

You asked me how I am – that basically sums me up at the moment.  I wake & I have these damn awful feelings about everything, that everything is just so hard, so tough, so predictable, so monotonous, so empty, so what’s the point, so annoying – hmm, perhaps you get the picture, so I don’t need to continue.  BUT somehow we still have to continue, we have to keep living, and so I swear to you, I’ll rise again.

It IS great when we encounter new words, so I’m pleased that I’ve been able to create that for you.

That is great also that you can work maths problems and solutions etc at different times & locations – a good skill to have;  just another thing that I’ve been told or read, that if we continue to challenge our minds, etc, it helps reduce the ageing process.  And there smacks massively for me a big word called hypocritical.  Trying to reduce the ageing process and yet, our lives are littered with chaos and debris from our mental health battles & really we’re reducing the ageing process so we can venture further into this hell hole that we currently reside in.

Perhaps I’ve over-stepped things there a bit, being a bit too anti;  but I write it as I think it.  Not always a good thing Neil, to write with the filter door to your mind unlocked!

Prior to this latest tatt, it’s been over 2 years since my previous one – so yes, they do take time for me to construct them.  Um, no, I’m not overly creative, well, I don’t think so.  And I’m not very handy either, can’t even change a light bulb;  but that’s another subject for another time.  All my tatts are so incredibly special to me;  on both of my outer calves I have them, plus both forearms and around my left bicep.

The following one will be in dedication to my awesome football team that I’ve followed & love – Hawthorn & it will commemorate their remarkable 3-peat effort in winning back-to-back-to-back premierships;  and will probably be on my right shoulder.

I may have mentioned this before, but when you had your ‘blank appointment session’ & just one word answers – perhaps for next time, to help you get through, it might be worthwhile to write or type down how you’re feeling in the lead up?

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I (Neil) am never gonna let you (the devil) win, No I (Neil) will not surrender

Even if I (Neil) start to fall, I (Neil) swear to you (the devil) I (Neil) will rise again.

Powerful words and I am glad that is the second part of your tattoo. We are fighters, we don't give up, we are still here. We made it. We are here for all the people who love us and need us, no matter what life throws at us! I always felt like I owe it to the people who did not have the chance to live longer, that I make most of my time here.

I never thought about the fact that if I keep my mind healthy and active, I give it power to torture me. But you are right. I did a course about "overcoming overthinking" this year - which I had to leave because all the reflection about my overthinking exhausted me - course attendant failed miserably. All I could think of was lying on my bedroom floor and looking at the ceiling - out of a 3 day workshop I managed 1 session...

I don't mind you talking without a filter on. We have to keep our filters up enough through our day to day life, why here?

I had to look at Hawthorn logo. Sorry, I had to check which sport and which team - but I have heard of the Hawks before. I have never watched Aussie rules, so please let me know when there is a good game on to watch and I will make the effort 🙂 But the season is over now? Anyway I think they definitely deserve a tattoo - a back-to-back-to-back is massive! Will you do the logo or something similar?

Handyman? Question is are you no good handyman or do you choose not to be a good handyman? For me it is a fear of electricity that I would not change a light bulb, but I can. I choose not to change the oil in my car, but I can. I grew up with my Dad being a mechanic and my brother too and they never shyed away from teaching me a trick or two. But often I choose not to do things - because? Other people are happy to do it for me.

Thank you for reminding me about writing things up. I actually take notes. Often. And I look through them with my GP or I just hand them to him so he can read them himself. I don't have a problem with my GP. I feel comfortable with my GP. But I am getting to know the new psych. I feel like a puppet without a mouth, do you know the comics where they erase the mouth? He says one word and I feel incapable of speaking, thinking or acting. I even felt myself zone out again, I did that with the old psych.

Have you thought further of a new psych?

Take care Neil & keep in touch, Yggy x