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Disconnected
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I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood.
I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?
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Dear Yggy
Great to hear back from you and it’s good that you’re wishing to question a lot of things.
Some questions can lead to feelings of emptiness a little – for instance, why am I here? If that’s the bigger picture question, then yes, that’s one I ask as well; and it’s a damn hard one to answer. If it’s more along the lines of ‘why am I here, at work?’, then that’s a much easier answer.
Slight digression.
I’m very intrigued about what your job is (and no need to let us know what it is); I’m generally nosey, but not “that” nosey. But to hear that you’ve only been back for a very short while and already your profession has lined you up with overseas trips. I was guessing that you were a pilot or even a hostee, but those guesses were shot down when you said that this time you are going on your own.
With regard to a new psych, I think if you can try your best to focus on this time with this person – and to slowly unload parts of your story and for how you feel you’ve been, how you think you are, etc etc – you know the drill of this; but to try to give it your best shot; and do your best to bury that word “worry”. Don’t give it enough oxygen so you don’t worry about this aspect. Bury it to the back of your mind.
You also say that this time you’ll be on your own and to a country you’ve never been before. Without knowing hardly anything here, my thoughts on this are: this job to you isn’t new, so you know the drill, the routine and what’s expected – if there’s some sort of manual or written procedure, if you need to, perhaps have a squiz at this just to familiarise yourself with what’s needed from you. Also, they would not be sending you if they didn’t have complete faith in you and to know that you can handle this, and just by me saying that, I have complete confidence in you as well, without knowing anything!
A new country – ah yes, but you’ve been to new countries before and now they are no longer new countries to you. There generally has to be a first time and as easy as this is for me to say from behind a keyboard, it is a similar case for what is needed from you to complete the job – kind of been there and done that in the past.
Gee, I hope something here has helped; and would love to hear back from you.
Neil
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Dear Neil,
thank you so much for making me smile. Sometimes I get so stuck in my thoughts that I cannot see a way out! I try to work on this and I am normally pretty good at finding solutions, but lately I spend a lot of time in the thought merry-go-round... and what you say makes so much sense!
I travel for work, and I usually travel on my own - I was refering to not having my husband or a large group with me as when I was on holidays. Often I travel in Australia - where I am pretty comfortable so far. I get the same airline, the same hotel, the same travel days... I have my own routines away from home, routines are so important for me. I have a reasonable amount of control over these business trips. Overseas is slightly different, as I do not get to pick and choose and there is normally a big social program attached. Thankfully I only travel overseas a few times a year, but these trips have been getting more challenging for me. My issues started with my physical issues. At times my physical issues cause fatigue and especially long flights and late nights exhaust me. I knew about the upcoming trip but somehow I thought I would get out of it - checking my emails I soon saw that this is not the case... so now I am all stressed about booking flights, visas etc...
Your words make so much sense. Yes, I know exactly what is expected of me, no need to read a manual, I have done it many times. Yes, I have ventured into new lands many times. I have even moved to new countries without ever setting foot there before. Normally I live in blissful ignorance and just enjoy the journey. Nowadays my thoughts cycle and I am worried. I know that I have changed a lot lately and yes, that worries me too. Yes, I worry a lot.
Yes, I will give the psych a chance. My GP suggested to put things in writing and just let him read it all. I did that before and it is easier for me than talking about it all - it is all so complex and I just get upset about Point A and never get to B, C, D...... at least I have my GP to help me through this.
How have you been lately? I hope you are feeling ok.
Have you traveled around (Australia or abroad)? What was your favourite place?
Take care, Yggy x
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Dear Yggy
“My words make sense” – oh boy, I don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me before – well, not with a straight face anyway! Thank you. 🙂
That damn thought merry-go-round; it’s there & we do ride it. I guess the thing we need to work on though, is it does stop from time to time, so we must make the most of that & jump off it. You know, blissful ignorance can be a very effective way of dealing with things – kind of helping to cope with issues, but that can be difficult to try & incorporate “if” we know what’s coming up. I guess it works better when we “don’t” know what’s coming up – hence the blissful ignorance.
Just on that subject though, I’m a person of fixed routine, so for the majority of the time, I need to know what’s coming up – so I can prepare & ready myself. What is that saying? Failing to prepare is preparing to fail; or something like that. So you know what’s coming up; you’ve bin there & dun that before – set aside a particular time of day (you may have already done this) book it in with yourself to do these things – arrange the bookings, the travel, the visas, etc – list them out & then work through them; one-by-one & tick them off once you’ve completed them. I hope that helps? OR is there an alternative – someone who may be able to help you out with it, this one time?
Writing thoughts/issues down for your psych appointment – I love that, cause I’ve done that on many occasions – mostly in dot point form; & depending on the day/the situation, I either work through it with them with me steering the session OR I give it to them & they guide the session. Just an example, I guess.
Well, we’ve now had my Mum’s little puppy (16yo, Tess) for just on a year & at the same time last year, we booked in a mobile dog grooming person – the same person came along on Saturday & is so gentle & lovely with Tess – she is the most docile & easy going puppy you would ever meet. She’s been trimmed a lot, had her cuticles done, some exfoliation, a lovely shower/condition & she looks like a million dollars. Absolutely gorgeous – we’ve only had her for a year, but she means so much to me; kind of like I’ve still got a special piece of Mum with me.
Travel - Europe - Contiki tour; 16 countries in about 18 days, awesome. Recently have done cruises thru Mediterranean (sensational, with the fam) and around NZ; then last year Alaska & Canada.
Not a lot of space left to write more.
Neil
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Hi Neil and Yggy,
I've just been catching up on your posts. Last week I had some full on practical training for manual handling and personal care of the elderly. The place where we did the training is set up like a hospital ward. I thoroughly enjoyed it and felt like I wanted to go and sign up for an Enrolled Nurses course next! We practised using the lifting machines, both as a client and also controlling the machines.
My sister does a lot of travelling for her work within Australia mainly. She has been over to Canada for research. Her children stayed with their Grandparents for three weeks so they could still attend school.
I too have written down information for the doctors and psychologists to read, I sometimes find that much easier.
One day when I went to see my G.P and was feeling really depressed but didn't know how to express myself, I took down an article on depression they had on their wall and told him that was exactly how I was feeling.
Recently I have been noticing Beyond Blue information in different places. One of the local banks had information bags on the desks from Beyond Blue and a butcher in a small country town had a booklet on their bench also.
When you have to travel for work Yggy, do you take along something sentimental or comforting to you? For me having something familiar with me helps me to feel better.
We are planning a cruise to New Zealand next year so I am looking forward to that. One part of the cruise I am not looking forward to though is sharing a small cabin with my husband as he snores so loudly! Usually he falls asleep while we are watching t.v. in the evening. As he starts snoring, I have to turn the volume up!
The farmer has recently left after rounding up his sheep to take back to the farm. I am going to really miss them! Someone could have made an hilarious video if they had been watching us trying to round up the sheep! They really didn't want to get into the pens or the trailers at all!
I might shed a few tears in the morning when I see the empty paddock! One of the sheep was running up to greet me each time I went to the paddock.
Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools
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Dear Neil,
your words make a lot of sense 🙂
I am thinking of your comment, to make the most of it when we can jump of the merry-go-round. I think I want to embrace this thought. Sometimes I just sit there and hope the next hit will not be too bad instead of going out and enjoying myself when I feel ok.
It is interesting with the fixed routines. How is it that for some people this is so important? Why do I always need to feel like I have control? I have gone through my to-do list today, booked the drivers, flights, stop-over hotels, got everything ready for the visa... I even started one of my presentations. I feel a bit more comfortable today since I have gone through most of the process. I have also checked out who I can call if I feel down.
My memory is pretty bad at the moment. I struggle at times to remember little things in my life, let alone addressing complex situations. I think I have always been good at forgetting things, the things that I did not want to remember, but unfortunately also a lot of the good things. So writing is good. I like your bullet points and handing them to the psych to let them take charge. Lately I feel a lot like letting other people take charge. I am just tired of always being in charge.
Is Tess the puppy in your picture? She's beautiful! Animals are so special, I am glad you have a great friendship with her! I bet she loved all the attention yesterday! Please remember that your mum will always be with you, you are part of your mum. We might not see them anymore but they are always close in our hearts.
Oh wow, you have done a lot of travelling!! 16 countries in 18 days, that is massive! How did you go? What did you see in each country? Must be such a difficult choice when there is only 1 day per country! How is Alaska? Please tell me more! I love hearing about different countries and what you enjoyed most.
Take care, Yggy
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Dear Mrs Dools,
glad to hear you are ok and you enjoyed your training. Why did you do the course?
I understand about being unable to speak. I have let my GP read a letter before. I feel like one of these cartoons that has no mouth to speak. I sometimes wonder why I feel like this. I have seen a bit more information on mental health lately, but October is mental health awareness? We had the RU OK posters everywhere at work, and I just looked at them and thought... NO. It is good to see more information, but I guess a lot of work has to be done.
Thank you for the tip to take something comforting. I am normally a very practical person, but a soothing item is a good idea. For my Europe trip I ensured that I stored stuff on my phone and tried to use that, but an item would be good.
Snoring husbands... mine is a champ! If you buy the skin tone ear plugs in the shop, they work really well! All other ones let the snore through, but the skin tone ones work a treat for me. I need to sleep with ear plugs, as I get big panic attacks when I get startled at night - from any sound. I have always been a light sleeper, but have had issues for about 5 years now.
I am sorry to hear that the sheep are gone. It is wonderful to have a little herd around, especially if there are lambs as well! Are they coming back some day?
I've had a pretty productive day today, even made some beetroot relish in the evening. We have a large veggie garden and I am already busy freezing and preserving! I love fresh produce, but at times the garden rules my life!
Take care, Yggy
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Dear Yggy & Mrs Dools
Our fam did the cruise around NZ almost 2 years ago – it was a great way to see so many awesome sights and also a top introduction to NZ. Is it possible for your husband to take some kind of medication that will help with the snoring problem?
Is there any chance the farmer can bring back more sheep or possibly some calves to put into the paddock?
You know I read something last week that made a lot of sense to me. YES, we all have our problems, stresses, stressors, anxieties, fears, etc etc, BUT what can really help a person with their suffering is to let them talk about things that they love doing, things that give them inspiration and a boost.
Pick some of your favourite topics and dwell on them – try to push the bad thought processes right to the back of the mind and give room to the ‘good things’.
You may have already heard about this or do this, but for someone suffering for so long, it came to me like a bright light bulb above my head.
I think why I haven’t exercised this option too much in the past is my concern that for me doing this, it is not addressing the real problems. BUT then again, if we’ve addressed the problem and stresses a heap already to no avail, then why don’t we try to focus on something that we enjoy and talk about that. Think about that, focus a bit more than usual on that. Even if it’s for an hour or perhaps half a day; getting some kind of ‘high’ in that respect is better than none at all, I think.
Yes, that cute little bundle of awesomeness in my pic IS Tess. The most placid and quiet little dog you could ever wish to meet. She’s such a sweetie.
Well, being a Contiki tour (1997) we were taken to all the touristy places for each place AND on top of that, we had ‘quick entry’ already sorted out, due to the package that we’d paid for, so there was next to no queueing at the Louvre and Eiffel Tower, the Leaning Tower of Pizza and a whole host of other things. We saw plenty of pubs during our night time events. Plus plenty of sights out of the bus as we travelled quite a bit each day to get to the next place. St Goer in Germany on the Rhine was very pretty and Lucerne was amazing, as was the hotel at the top of the mountain, where we stayed – so cold, but spectacular.
Alaska was a cruise and was beautiful.
Love
Neil
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Hi Neil,
I just feel so fatigued today, I will write when I can, I started a couple of times already.
One of those days where I tell myself: sometimes it's ok if the only thing you did today was breathe.
I hope you are having a good day and Tess is happy freshly groomed and ready for summer.
Take care x
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Dear Neil,
your trips sound awesome!! Europe must have been a whirlwind, so many countries, so much too see, I'm glad you enjoyed it! How is it to be on a cruise? I'm not a person for closed spaces and masses of people - or is that the wrong impression I have?
I had a weird week. I've been very busy organising my trip and I've made a few changes, to make me more comfortable. I've decided to take it step by step. I can always and at any time turn around and go home. And I will focus on the fact that I've been there / done it before, like you said. Focus on my strength, not weaknesses - it sounds a lot like what you said from that article. Focus on the good, however little it is. Here is something that I have started to love.
I love colouring in. I love everything about it. I have very small colouring books, as large designs stress me out. I have my pencils all ordered in my pencil case and I think about a colouring theme before I start. Sometimes and that is my favourite I colour from the inside out and start with one colour on the left and go through every single colour until I get to the end (I skip white and grey and black). That makes pretty effects. I like the pressure on my finger when I colour in and I like seeing how the area gets colourful and the picture gets more complete. I like the smell of the pencils when I sharpen them, the slight smell of wood.
What is a little thing you like?
I saw the new psych today and feel ok with him. I cried a lot, but he did not let me drift away. Feels like an early birthday present that I got the first meeting out of the way. I was very nervous to see him and I'm glad the first step is done, it does not seem that scary when you have met the first time. I just hope that this is the right direction now!
I've been wondering ever since I started talking about my past, whether it is worth it, whether I cannot push everything away again and just focus on the good - I think I've done that for too long and I am tired to keep the lid on. So I think it depends on what you focus on. I definitely try to enter at least one thing in my gratitude diary every single day!
What are your plans for the weekend Neil?
Take care, Yggy x
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Dear Yggy
Thank you for your reply and you’ve prompted some very excellent points.
First one is the part about whether to keep all the troubles and issues in the background? And to focus on the good. Hmmm, I guess I started that, by writing from that article and now it seems I’m now in a roundabout. From my experience, I held everything in for so long, years and years and kept it locked away – and so each day I was like, ‘living a lie’ as I’d show up to work with the biggest happiest face and be a general clown (even though I despise clowns) and muck around, etc – you get the picture.
But after doing that for so long, the internal pressure built up and up and finally I was close to blowing a fuse and had to find a release; and my psychiatrist was a huge help with this – along with Victoria Bitter. 🙂
I think the other thing to try and incorporate is goals – things to look forward to. First thing I think of here is holidays, but they can be big and daunting as well – PLUS, they’re kind of major goals, that don’t come around overly often. So it’s a matter of finding things that you enjoy or look forward doing on a much smaller scale, so they can become more regular.
Yggy, you hit the nail on the head here with your wonderful description of colouring. Even right down to the feel of the pencil and the smell of it when being sharpened – that is gold and I’m really pleased that you were able to share that.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I have 9 tatts; and in 11 days time, I will be getting Tatt No. 10. And the lead up to getting them is exciting. It’s amazing, and really hard to describe – not nervous at all, but just cannot wait for the day to arrive.
Regarding the cruise, we’ve been on 3 now and I cannot wait for the next one – nothing planned as yet, but I (we – the fam) love them. And it’s really incredible, as yes there are a lot of people on board, but you never really get the impression of being cramped or bombarded by hordes of people; only a few times, like for the mandatory life boat drill before the cruise takes off; but apart from that, with the ships being so enormous, people are scattered all over and it’s all pretty (excuse the terrible pun here) cruisey.
Saturday is Derby Day at Flemington – possibly the best racing day of the year, so I’ll be watching those races on the teev and hopefully snare a winner or 7 🙂
How ‘bout you?
Neil
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