Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Guest_2350]

Hello from Rome,

we are leaving today. 

You both made me smile. Neil, I will have to meow at a cat before I leave. Mrs. Dools, I fully understand the OCD with Rome, I just want to use all this beautiful building material!

I think the meds help me - just watching my feelings and not making radical decisions - I have felt like leaving my husband, my family, everything more often lately. My feelings are all over the place. I keep telling myself that I can do whatever I decide to do, when I get back to Oz. I don't care much anymore. I am building my walls around me. I remember feeling like this before.

I will try to focus that things may not be as bad as I think. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Yggy,

It may be a good idea to not make too many rash decisions while you are on this holiday and so many emotions are bubbling up inside of you.

Will you have an opportunity to spend some time by yourself when you return to Australia? I sometimes go away for a weekend by myself and that clears my head and helps me to see things differently.

Speaking of cats, it is amazing where they show up!

We went to Troy and there were cats everywhere. I was in heaven as I love those little furry creatures. I was a little disappointed though as Brad Pitt was no where to be seen! (From the movie TROY)

I even told the tour guide I was disappointed Brad was not there in his costume!

So where are you off to now? Like Neil mentioned maybe having a really open chat with your husband might help.

Then again, I did that with my husband recently and he told me that my 50 year old body repulses him and he would rather be with a 20 year old from a different country. Oh well. Not much I can do about that! Maybe he can buy a mail order bride for himself and her brother for me! Ha. Ha.

Guess there are always solutions!

 Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Guest_2350]

Greetings from Switzerland (this morning) and Germany (this afternoon)

Mrs Dools, that is not very nice of your husband - perhaps you can find a nicer model in the sexy man catalogue. My husband told me my MOT was due when I turned 20 (nearly 20 years ago)... so let me know if your mail order turns out ok. I know not to make radical decisions when on holidays, I would only regret it - I normally take my time to make decisions. I think this holiday is kind of stressful for everyone involved and definitely the first and last time I attempt group travel.

When back in my home town I am planning to split from the rest of the group, at least for a few days, to spend time alone or with my best friend. I am planning to talk to her, we have been through everything in each others life and we rise like the phoenix after every blow. I kept thinking not to say anything - she is so far away from me...

Yesterday was very stressful with travelling all day. I was very anxious and I think I just don't like airports and the stressful atmosphere everywhere. My mood was dark all day and I tried to stay out of everyones way. 

I told my psych that I would change psychs when I come back. I finally reached that decision. I feel better now. 

I had a nice moment this morning! I did a long walk on my own along the lake where I grew up very early in the morning. It was chilly and as I came towards the waters edge I saw the sun rise over the lake. I rushed to the waters edge and enjoyed the view. I felt a great feeling of belonging, of being home, at my lake. Yes there are many happy memories here as well and I am looking forward to spend some time with my best friend - but for now it is back on the road and living out of a suitcase once more. Touring historic towns in Germany and Austria for a while before heading back to my lake. 

I will drink a stein for you and Neil at the Oktoberfest in Munich - Prost! 

[Doolhof]

Hi Yggy,

Yesterday morning I discovered a lamb that had been born over night in our little paddock. We have borrow some sheep from a farmer as mobile lawn mowers. It was such a thrill to find the lamb! Things like that really brighten up my day.

I had a lovely evening with my sister and her family, including my nieces boyfriend and my Dad who is staying with them for a couple of days.

Yes, I might have a look in the mail order catalogue and see what is available or should I say "Who". Ha. Ha.

I too find airports stressful. I cope by getting Michael settled in a place where I know where he is and then I go for a walk. I then sit down and do Sudoku puzzles or read a book, that way I can shut out some of the stress.

It will be wonderful if you can catch up with your friend. It certainly helps when you have someone you can confide in and share stuff with. I have two friends like that, one lives in Holland and the other in Queensland. Distance does not make a difference for us. We are there for each other.

My husband was at the Oktoberfest last year! So Prost to you as well. I will have a beer here in recognition to the one you are having there!

It is AFL Grand Final day today so we will be watching that later.

It is understandable that everyone in the group is becoming a little stressed out. In some ways that stress can be passed on from one person to the other. Maybe you could all find a park and a ball and have an impromptu game of soccer or something to let out some tension.

Your moment at the lake sounded wonderful. I love times like that.

All the best to you, and Prost again! Cheers,

From Mrs. Dools

[Neil_1]

Hi there

Yes Yggy, please be drinking a stein for me – as I’m still off the grog;   my DOG count is now up to about 175;   and in a row, it’s gone from 35 to 175;  so what’s that;  about 140 DOG in a row, so that’s not too shabby I guess.   However, the Comps are over and the Melbourne Cup is fast coming up, so I’m not too far away from having a bit of a drink.

Now I’m guessing that Prost is not you both alluding to an ex-Formula One racing car champ, but it must be something like saying “Cheers” ??

Sorry to have been quiet for a while, but am not going overly well, so I choose to stay fairly quiet in those times.

How is the weather that you’re experiencing Yggy?   I guess it would be starting to cool down quite a bit now?   Whereas where I am, we’ve had a couple of 30 degree days in a row!  Giddy up to that.  🙂

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mrs. Dools, Dear Neil,

Neil, first of all I hope you feel better soon! What are you strategies to help you feel better? Do you know if it takes a certain amount of time? 

What are DOG days please? I am not really good with abbreviations. How did the comps go? 

Mrs. Dools, lambs are beautiful, we had mobile lawnmowers for a few years and had triplets one time. That was very special and I bottle fed the little lambs.

I am lucky to have close friends, even if they are only close in heart, not distance. I can understand your comment that it does not matter where we are. I did visit my friend and we spend the morning getting the kids ready and having breakfast together. It was lovely. I feel like a sponge soaking up all the experiences - but I am still speechless when people ask me questions. I do not know how to explain what is going on in my head. How everything has changed. How I question everything. How I don't know anymore who I am.

The group travels ok. We are giving each other space and ignore the little things that upset us - we are more than half way through. Feels like we are all pretty grown up and we have settled into a routine. 

The Oktoberfest was ok. I left as soon as it got busy and was back in the hotel by 6pm, I am not good with crowds!

I had a couple of good days. Two days ago I actually felt as if the shadow had lifted! It has been a long time that I felt this way. Yesterday the clouds moved back in, but I am giving myself space as well. Like having coffee in the morning on my own or going to bed early. Yesterday I had a special experience - I was confronted with a style of cuisine that could have triggered bad memories, but I got happy ones instead, or at least I thought I did in that moment, as after that my mood shifted - see what I mean about questioning everything?

Anyway, I am starting to feel that the meds are helping me. My appointments with my GP and my new psych are set for when I come back, so fingers crossed. 

I am starting to miss home. Work makes me feel edgy and I am not looking forward to it, but I am looking forward to go home. Work is another thing I keep questioning...  but then I do know that now is probably the worst time to change jobs. 

On Friday I am going back again to the places with bad memories. I hope I will be ok. Being busy helps me to stuff down feelings so I think I should be fine. 

 Neil, the weather has been great but it is raining and getting colder now.

Kind regards from the Alpes, Yggy

[Neil_1]

Yggy;

Great to hear from you again (in the Swiss Alps).  This sure has been one amazing journey for you.

I hope I feel better soon too, but not sure about that just yet.  My Mum passed (next week) one year ago & the lead up is getting quite tough.  I have organised a new tatt;  appointment early December and have drafted up a design, that is going to be dedicated to Mum;   something like in loving memory, the date, the word Mum, plus some Angel wings and interwoven with roses, as she was an avid gardener and loved her flowers and roses.  Am hoping for it to be near where I’ve got my one for my Dad;  down lower on my right leg and hoping to get the roses to interweave through Mum’s tatt, but to also reach out and somehow insert in a lovely way through Dad’s existing tatt.  That’s the plan.

Yes, my comps are now over and I’m back to being able to eat what I want (and allegedly, when I want) – but have to be careful with that, as don’t want to be whacking on too much weight too quickly;  been there and done that in previous years.

In my state, I came 2nd (apparently a close decision) and then in the very recent National titles, I came 5th (out of 6), so that was personally quite disappointing.  BUT I know I improved in the two weeks between comps and I am pretty pleased with the physique that I carved out.

DOG’s are:  Days Off Grog.  🙂   I used to call them AFD (Alcohol Free Days), but I made up DOG a couple of years ago, and that’s stuck ever since. 🙂

I hope that you are finding your unloading about your holiday beneficial – I am really enjoying reading all your accounts and your thoughts on how things are going with you.  I hope even by you just writing them down here, it helps you a little.  I know for me, when I do that, it helps, as I can generally put things down and then think on what it is, that is either troubling me, OR for what might be potentially popping up in the near future.

Your work is still there and still will be when you get back – so if I can try one thing for you, is to suggest IF you can to put that particular thing to the back of your mind – especially as there’s still quite a bit of time yet before you’re back.  It’ll come to the forefront of your mind by itself as the time gets nearer, but the further you can push it to the back, at least that’ll hopefully be of mental benefit to you?

Can’t wait to hear from you again

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

my first post did not post...

I am feeling for you. Losing a parent is such a difficult event in our lives. I found the first year the most difficult, the first birthday, the first Christmas, the first anniversary... 

Do you have plans for the actual day? Can you meet with family and friends to share memories and grief? I used to buy cake on my Dad's birthday and share it at work - without saying why and I still light a candle and think of my Dad or we raise a toast. 

The tattoo you are planning sounds lovely. It is very special and I love the idea of keeping it close with your Dad's. 

Please take your time and remember it is ok to grief. I always felt I should get over it, move on... until I realised that it all caught up with me. I am here for you if you want to talk here.

​Congratulations on the comps!! I know you had high expectations and I find it wonderful that you came 5th in a national comp!! That is amazing, well done!!!! You worked so hard for it!!!

I think I need to count my DOGs when I return home. I am putting on weight and I have stopped running altogether, so I want to eat clean and start training again when I come home. I have registered for a 100k charity walk in May next year, so I better start training! My hip is still giving me slight pain and I am worried to knock it out of place again - without my general care team I feel very vulnerable - I have a genetic disorder where I can easily dislocate joints. 

Writing here helps me, it helps me to order my thoughts and it is great to hear back from you all. I learn a lot and I also feel like I am not on my own and it helps me to accept myself. I still have recurring nightmares of being restrained, drugged up or being locked away... I know it is silly, but the only experience I ever had with the mental health system was in the closed section where my friend ended up after attempting suicide, he was drugged up and it was like a prison to visit him and it was a long time ago.

I have been in the Austrian and German Alpes, heading to Switzerland soon. 

Take care Neil! Big hugs, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Great to hear back from you.

I generally don’t do the family or friends thing;  plus my bro is a number of hours away;  I may well give him a call later on.

Your words to me Yggy were very special and thank you for your kindness and caring.  This year has flown (I usually dislike that term, because time doesn’t change – it doesn’t get faster, so a year takes a year;   365 days of 24 hours each – sorry, slight digression there) and back to that about the year, it just does not feel like it was a year ago.  More so, like a month ago.  😞  😞

Thank you for your kind sentiments about the Comp’s as well – the fire is still well and truly alight and I’m already back in the gym and hammering out big sessions.  Grow, grow, grow, that’s what I’m aiming to do;  big sessions in the gym, plenty of the right food and good amounts of sleep – they’re the 3 big factors in me achieving my goals.  I’m not young anymore, but I don’t give a rats – I’m still going to give it all I have.

100km charity walk – wowee, that’s massive.  Are you to do the entire distance or is it a relay kind of arrangement?  Either way, that’s one awesome thing to have planned.  It’s great to have goals such as that, as it keeps the mind busy and occupied (for different times) so we’re not always declining into the depths of despair, etc.  Goals like this one, can really help to dominate the mind especially as the time continues to get closer.

I haven’t been in one, but I’ve seen what those areas within a hospital are like and neither have I seen a prison, but the heavily locked doors and stark rooms give a very ‘prison like’ feel to it;  or what I would think it would resemble.  Not the most comforting of environments.

Those nightmares that you spoke of don’t sound the best at all – nor does it for what happened to you to bring those on.  I know nothing of the episode you refer about (and that’s totally up to you and is fine being this way), but just from the smidge that you referred too, it’s a massive anchor for you that you are dragging around.   Has it been a long time since that occurred?   Sorry for asking, just thought I’d pose one question, but please, you don’t have to answer anything about this – I’m not wishing to make you uncomfortable.

I also do hope that you’re able to get some training happening once you get back home – or even possibly start soon, before you finish your holiday?

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil, 

unfortunately my nightmares and flashbacks are the reason I am here. There are a lot of events I have not been able to process. Thinking about it is unsettling me. As I progress with opening up they become stronger and more unsettling. I understand that there are many layers I have to uncover and it is very scary. I am starting with a new psych after the holiday and I hope to find the support network and strategies to keep stable during the process. With time I was able to find a care team for my physical restrictions, so I hope the same applies for my mental health. 

I am glad I made the trip to Europe. If only to show me that not all the catastrophies I imagine happen - or non at all if I am lucky. I started to close myself up from life and society more and more and that was one of the reasons that I realised I cannot continue without help. I don't want to waste my life being scared of my own shadows. When lying on the floor and looking at the ceiling became a comfortable past time, I thought there must be more to life.

I think you are right about starting training a bit earlier than when I return. My hip is still sore, but I will try a gentle jog tomorrow and see if it losens up - often a good warm up helps. I know a lot of tracks where I am heading next, so it would be nice to explore the old paths. I think I am ok, as I have been on my feet most days, making the extra effort from time to time. The 100k is not a relay, and it is in one go. The longest I have done so far was 35k so it is a great challenge 🙂 

I don't know what age you are but I believe you should do whatever makes you happy - in my eyes there is no too old! I saw an 80+ year old finish an olympic triathlon once and I thought to myself - that is how I wanna be when I am old 🙂 So keep going and show the youngsters how it is done!

Hope you are feeling a little better! Have a good weekend, Yggy x