Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I hope you are ok. You sound tired and stuck in that hamster wheel, in the cycle, churning on, relentless. And our inner monsters are waiting for us with open armed claws. Somehow this sounds pretty true. I wish with all my heart that you get a break, that you have a clear day where you can sit back and look at what you have and enjoy what you have, without the shadows closing in.

I am glad that your garden work on the weekend was successful and I bet it looks like a million dollar - it is worth keeping your little sanctury! What would you do with a million dollars?

I have to admit that you have confused me about your tattoo. There is no dog in the tattoo, just an image of one? Somehow I do not know what you mean. Is there a dog??? I admire that you can embrace depression and openly show it with a tattoo. I find it difficult to say that I am sick... I wish we could lock the dog up in the kennel and forget about it.

I think it is always easier to give advise than follow my own advise. So thank you for your advise about travelling and I will pass it back to you, when you need it! I have already been away and returned last night. I had a few difficult days, but they were not as difficult as when I travelled on my own nor did I get as anxious. I think the meds are working and there is a big difference having someone with me that can jerk me out of anxiety and keep me  grounded. I had some good times on the weekend and I am glad I did go, but this will be the last private plane trip for a while. I just want to stay at home, I don't want to leave my comfort zone for a while. I am tired to challenge myself.

I have started the course today. I find it challenging. Thinking about unhelpful thoughts seems to trigger unhelpful feelings. It is difficult to explain, but reflecting on my thinking patterns, behaviours etc is a major challenge for me. I got very sad and upset in the process. I need to take baby steps. I need to find my limits of what kind of situations I can analyse myself, and what better remains untouched until I see my psych. I have to see how I cope. I am glad I talked to my GP and psych before I started this, so at least they can help me if I get lost. I seem to be able to cope better, if I just stuff it all away.

I have a difficult week ahead of me and I am not looking forward to it. I have been so anxious that I have been procrastinating and I am not prepared. I hate not being prepared, but I cannot get myself to start.

Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Yes, I think you nailed it beautifully – ‘tired & stuck in the hamster wheel’ sounds very appropriate.  Same old, same old or the other much copied & highly discussed saying of “SSDD” – Same shite, different day”.

What would I do with a $1M?   That would be such an amazing problem to have.  My question is:  Could you survive on a $1M & not have to work again?  That might sound silly, but I think you could.  In past jobs, other colleagues have suggested that million wouldn’t be enough, but I think their scenario for living comfortably would be ridiculously high.

But a million would soon go; pay off the mortgage.  I have two children, so I would be wanting to possibly get in soon to buy them property & that would eat huge chunks into the mill; I’d give my bro some.  I’d like to buy a racehorse;  plus I need to get more physio done, so at least I’d be able to afford that.  Go on another cruise somewhere, plus we still need some bread & milk.

That could almost be the commencement of a new thread in the Community Board Yggy ?

How about you?  Would that see you to be nice & comfortable?

Ok, on the back of my left hand is the commencement of a chain, which has a link that is broken, as though it’s been pulled by something very strong.  The chain then loops under my left wrist & leads over the top of the forearm to then proceed under the forearm, where there is a kennel.  A dark & foreboding looking kennel.  It is just a kennel.  But in the opening of the kennel that has been coloured in black.  Which gives the impression that it’s a deep long kennel, but you can’t see in.  But within the coloured in black, there are two red eyes.  That’s it.    So when you look at it, you see an evil looking kennel & in the entrance, you see two red eyes situated in amongst the black – so for all intents & purposes, it looks like the chain belongs to something that is lurking within the kennel, that has red eyes.  I hope that’s depicted it better for you.

Again, you hit the nail on the head with the simple line of:  “I am tired of having to challenge myself”.  Yes yes yes.

That’s another key point.  We seem to cope better if we stuff it away.  But then the professionals don’t want us doing that;  they want us to bring it out in the open to address it;  perhaps so we can come to terms with it & ‘own’ it, rather than to shy away from it.  It’s a tough & difficult thing to do.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

a very detailed description for a very dark tattoo - I guess the dark clouds and lightening strikes will suit it perfectly. The black dog hides in the dark kennel, ready to strike again. Do I read it correctly, the chain is broken, so the black dog can roam freely when it wakes and cause as much damage as it wishes? How did you find the idea for that tattoo? It sounds unique!

I have felt the clouds closing in since Friday. I have started dreaming again and seeing pictures when I try to meditate, I get these moments when I sigh and I feel everything is too much to cope with. I keep telling myself that "normal" people also have sad or difficult times. I don't think it makes it any easier. 

What would I do with a million dollars? I don't have dreams of properties and luxury. When I am old I would like to live comfortably in a little oldies village. So I would buy a little house in a nice little oldies village at the sea, somewhere far away from any city. Then I would talk to my financial adviser how I could best put my money to work to ensure I have a comfortable life when I am old and just want to have my wheelchair face the open ocean. And then I would buy a 4x4 and a caravan, take my husband and travel Australia, stopping where I want, working odd jobs and just enjoying the simple life while I can, while I am healthy, while this world still has beauty. I struggle with so much in society, with the two faces people wear (including myself), with the daily stressors and just everything. When all I want to do is lie in the grass and watch the clouds (the white fluffy ones not the dark menacing storm clouds - although they put on a big show as well, but I would not like to lie in the grass watching them). 

Someone asked me the other day, what would the three year old version of yourself do - leave the restricitons society has placed on me and with a million dollars I could make sure that I am being looked after when I am old and frail - that is what I am concerned about. 

 I am still not sure whether I would like to own my own dark thoughts or whether it is better to leave the black dog undisturbed in the kennel as long as possible. 

I feel exhausted today. 

Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

I really enjoyed your thoughts on what you’d like to do and plan for with your $1M, and I really get an overwhelming sense that you are thinking a lot about old age and that you are going to possibly need to be cared for, etc?   Is that how I read it, or was that a bit, um, not the way it sounded?  If it is, do you think there’s things you can possibly do now to put into place to try to minimise how things may (or may not) turn out down the track?

As I may have told you, I’m 50yo and ok, despite the mongrel injuries that I get from time to time, I feel as though I’m living in a body of a mid-20yo.  And that’s obviously till I go and try to do something that I used to do way back then – like playing cricket – was a fast bowler and to replicate that sort of thing now – that would take some monumental effort.

But what I was going to say was that I plan to be as active as I can till I drop – or for as long as things function how they should.  So I’ll be continuing to go to the gym to work out as big and as hard as I possibly can and to eat clean and healthy – which is basically just my lifestyle as well.  My vice is beer and I really enjoy that.  That’s not my only vice, but well, I love gambling as well.

Reminds me of an old joke that me and my bro shared a long time ago.  He said, there’s no way you could ever give up gambling.  I said, sure I can – “Wanna bet?”

Yes, I came up with the idea of that tattoo and you’ve nailed it beautifully.  The dog IS in the kennel, but he can (and does) get out and though the chain is a big and strong one, yes, it is broken, which gives you an idea of the strength of my hell hound.

Keeping fighting Yggy – it sounds like we’re both in bad places at the moment.  Never stop fighting.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil,

 how are you? Is the black dog just showing his red eyes in the kennel or is it unleashed? I hope the chain is holding up! What do you do when the black dog strikes? I keep hearing about breaking the cycle, but I still wonder how that works. I have a long list of things that I could do to make me feel better, but when I feel shit I don't even look at the list. I repeat my mantra "sometimes it's ok if the only thing I did today was breathe" and I have booked to see my GP or called a helpline at times. I still struggle to see how you can snap yourself out of it. Someone said to me yesterday that it is about looking after myself every day that will prevent the dark times from hitting. I am not so sure about that.

 Anyway, I am making progress in my course, not progress in feeling better but actually having started the task. I have also identified things that I better leave untouched until I see my psych and I guess if I work through some of my small issues it is a start and I will feel comfortable enough to keep going. I said from day 1 I need to stay within my limits. Working on my thought processes is very challenging. I have worked out a big list, it is frightening! 

How is the gym? Have you started again? How does it feel to be back? Are your injuries ok? I have only done walking this week, but I have been out every day, so that is good!

I am conscious about old age. My Dad died so young that I have seen my Mum struggle for years now. There is a significant age gap between me and my husband and it is a big possibility that I will be on my own in old age. With my physical issues I do see the possibility of needing care at a later stage. The good thing is that I anticipate to get old and that I am looking forward to being happy at old age. I just want to be a content old woman that has lived her life before ending up in a home alone.

There is a lot I could do to prevent myself from getting physically worse. I know about it and I have firmly followed a recovery plan for 12 months and then I just lost motivation. I think I was sliding into depression during recovery and eventually everything just became too much for me to cope with. I am still trying to get my motivation back to prevent future injuries. 

What is your favourite beer? I love beer! Always have! I love trying all different varieties of beer! Pilsner is my favourite with Tannenzaepfle topping the list - I don't think you can get this here, has sentimental value!

Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

You asked how I am.  Thank you.  “I’m not bad thanx”;  isn’t that what people say in real life.  How are you?  Good thanx.  Or today you hear a helluva lot, “Oh it’s Friday, I’m great”.  Speaks to me volumes that people do NOT want to be in the job they are in or do not want to be working, if the day before two days off means that they can suddenly go from being so “good” or “ok” to being great.

For the record, I’m not bad.  I’m not good, but I’m not bad – as in, I’m possibly worse than bad.  But try explaining that to a check-out register person at a supermarket.

I do like part of what that person said to you, don’t fully agree with it, but in principle it’s good.  Look after yourself every day (as best we can) and that will help us in the long run.  It may not prevent the dark times from hitting, in fact it sure doesn’t.  I’m doing exercise each and every day and yet I’m locked in heavy combat with my hell hound right now.

That is absolutely awesome to hear about you commencing on this course – starting the task is as you would know can often be the hardest thing to do.  Sticking within your limits, oh wow Yggy, you’re nailing this brilliantly – no need for me to be writing to you, as you’re ticking all the “how to do” boxes yourself.  I hear you also when you say you’ve put together a list and it is frightening to see it.  But hey, that’s another goal achieved – by listing it all down.  Try to think of it more of a “check off list”;  sure they are all there, but you now are building an armoury so that you can strike items off the list and reduce it.

I tried the gym and my left shoulder didn’t want to play at all.  I managed a mini workout, avoiding exercises that aggravated – so have been to the doc and have to get an ultrasound on it.  But more major bordering on massive cost to get this done.

Gotta say I haven’t heard of your fave beer, but as you say, it’s not a local product.  I’m a bit of a boring beer drinker – usually go for the specials of my faves which are VB, Budweiser, James Boags, Crown Lager, hmm, can’t think of too much more at the moment.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

it took me many years to understand that in the English speaking countries no one really cares how you are when they ask you - it is more a greeting than a question. I understand your frustration and sarcasm. I am not from an English speaking background or culture - although I have adapted and do not tell everyone how I really feel when they greet me with "How are you". But when I ask you about how you are, I would actually like to know how you are, whether you feel great or bad and I am also interested in why you feel great or bad.

I appreciate weekends, they might be tough at times because I do not have my routines and I get sad often, but I am glad that I can rest more on the weekends and take breaks when I need to. I used to love my job - I am a bit worn out at the moment - but weekends used to be pretty cool too.

What do you think is wrong with your shoulder? My husband had 2 major shoulder operations and they worked well for him. He did eventually regain full strength and range of movement, but it did take a while. I hope that you have nothing major wrong with your shoulder.

I am a highly organised person and my house is orderly, although I do not think I have OCD. I have always planned and plotted, counted, weighed,  scaled, diarised, photographed, recorded... I have even gone through a  time where I gave myself little stars for all the good habits I wanted to do each day. I loved seeing progress and I loved setting goals. But over the last few weeks I have been thinking about how I can change? What can I change? Do more things that are supposedly making me happy? Do less? Try something new? What do I have
to lose? I decided to stop planning and just do, just be, without wanting to see progress, without a plan, without approval from others. Could it be that when I start listening to myself I will actually know what to do?

I am glad I started the program, but it adds to my anxiety. I believe and hope that it will help, but it is difficult. I am starting a new part today and I am worried about which doors it may open. I never thought there is so much to uncover, I never knew how much I have pushed out of the way. I remember when I started to physically push people out of the way when they wanted to comfort me. But when I want to stop now, I remind myself why I started in the first place.

I hope you had a weekend with nice moments. What did you do? I steered out of the way of the festive movement and hid on Sunday... Take care, Yggy

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

It’s the weirdest thing isn’t it.  “Hi, how are you going?”  I like a comedian’s response to that also – “Well, I usually go by car”.

Had an ultra quiet weekend – a bit more gardening, but not much due to my crook foot also – the plantar fasciitis, which is a mongrel thing;  especially for someone who is so active.

I had a shoulder operation on my right shoulder about 4 years ago as it had part of the bone in it in a degenerative phase;  caused predominately by my time as a fast bowler in cricket, plus doing weights.  So with my left shoulder, it feels slightly different and could be ligament/tendon damage.  Anyway, am aiming for an ultrasound on Thursday to find out what’s up with it.  Again, more major frustration there as well.

My daughter has introduced me to a new Series to watch – The Fall.  Oh boy, it’s good and pretty intense as well, with so much going on.  So we caught a fair number of episodes of that over the weekend.

You’ve asked a lot of questions of yourself in this post – are they just general “out there” questions?  Ie:  just putting them out there with no real answers needed at this point in time?

So it sounded like there was some kind of Christmas function on for you on Sunday, but you managed to not go?

There’s always those stressors coming up – I guess my main beef with it all is:  you never see any of these people throughout the year – but it’s expected at Christmas time that you “get together, celebrate, catch up, etc etc etc”.  But honestly why don’t you get together more than just once a year?  I don’t understand.

But yes, I’m still struggling big time – with just about everything;  I’m just wondering how much of this is accentuated because of my two injuries and lack of gym attendance?  I think it’s a contributing factor, as my usual “outlet” isn’t there.  But just the overall living is the thing – the everyday aspect of what we do.  We get up, we go to work, we come home, we do ‘stuff’ and we go to bed and then it all starts over again.

Sorry, not nearly as lively as other posts.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

 there is no need to have lively posts every time, the same as it is okay to say you are not ok. I still pull a face at the RU OK? posters that we have at work. I guess it is always up to the person you ask: RU OK? Whether that person answers or not. I always brush it away with, I'm fine, but I should try the comedian version.

Do you feel like telling me what you are struggling with? Everything is a lot. When you are looking back to your last shoulder injury, how did you cope back then? Did you do something else to weight lifting? You said you do some weights at home - could you do the same at the gym? At least you would get back into your routine, seeing familiar faces? For me routine is critical and I think when I stopped training, the loneliness of doing my physio alone at home, day in, day out, made me even worse. Before I stopped physio I just lay on my back on the floor, looking at the white ceiling, hoping that time would pass and I need to get ready for work.

I had plantar fascia and it is awful and debilitating. About 1 year ago I tried a different approach to physio, orthotics and massage and started to walk barefoot. First I did a lot of foot strengthening exercises and very little walking and gradually increased the distance and to running. I am now free of plantar fascia. I don't own shoes with proper soles or heels anymore. My feet are different to when I started.

"We get up, we go to work, we come home, we do ‘stuff’ and we go to bed and then it all starts over again." Sounds like the questions I am asking myself in my last post could be relevant for you as well? Why am I here? Why I am still here, and not other people? What is the sense of me being here?

Have I shared this poem with you? I keep reading it, although I must admit, that I still have not fully understood it, but I like thinking about it.

 Always we hope
someone else has the answer,
some other place will be better,
some other time,
it will turn out.

This is it.

No one else has the answer,
no other place will be better,
and it has already turned out.

At the center of your being,
you have the answer:
you know who you are and
you know what you want.

There is no need to run outside
for better seeing,
nor to peer from a window.

Rather abide at the center of your being:
for the more you leave it,
the less you learn.
Search your heart and see
the way to do is to be.

~ Lao Tzu

Neil, take care and keep in touch, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Yeah, I know .. can’t always be lively;  so I guess that’s me talking with my depression mask on, but really, we don’t need to wear it when we’re here, so I’ve been caught out !!

Am I ok?  No, I’m not.   Just the whole concept of things is enormous & can be & is quite overwhelming.  The knowledge that things have changed & will never be the same again & the coming to grips or coming to terms with that is so very difficult.  Here’s a very slight digression, but one worth mentioning.

Last night, our daughter finished watching one of her shows;  not quite in tears, but very emotional.  Our son (17) asked why?  How can a show have such an effect on people?  How can people let their emotions get the better of them when after all it’s a television show, with actors, a storyline & yet, for a lot of us we can get caught up in it.  It could also be that we may live vicariously through certain people in these shows & when something happens, then we feel that perhaps it also happens to us.

Or something that you’ve viewed in a show can perhaps have very real effects on us, in that something in the show could have happened to us in our lives & as a result could trigger for past events.

Wow, that’s me going very deep there; thanx for that, cause I’ve now reeled off some answers for my son.

I have to get my shoulder diagnosed first before I can get back to the gym;  a domino effect, so that I will be able to be compensated by the gym for the time that I’ve been away, otherwise these are all just wasted weeks & months.

Can you tell me more about your footwear – what is not having proper soles or heels?  Are they like the vibram 5 toe shoe, or something like that?   When I used to run I knew of other runners who never used shoes.  They ran bare foot which I’ve gotta say is some amazing feat (get the pun there … feat & we’re talking about feet – oh boy, some days !!).  What with all the sticks, & prickles & possibly even broken glass around, I’m just amazed that they can do this.

I think the poem is suggesting that above all else, we need to just live.  For us to just ‘be’ - be who we are.  Whether that’s right or wrong, who knows, but it does make you think about things.  I also think that thinking about things can be highly detrimental to us – where we ponder on things gone & lost & we mull this over & over & oh boy, you just plummet downwards all over again.

Neil