Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Guest_2350]

Dear Tiff,

thank you for your post. When do I need to click? I have only seen my psychiatrist twice. The first time was okay, the second time not. I just want to see what develops. It costs so much energy and courage to start again and I still wonder if it is me. Shopping around sounds easier than it is. Just the thought of it puts me in the onset of an anxiety attack. My GP thinks I am in good hands, and I trust my GP. My reasons to stay and give it a try would be that the guy I am seeing has a lot of experience, he is a psychiatrist and can monitor what happens while we go though. The reasons why I don't feel I click? Not sure yet, I am generally VERY suspicious and don't trust easily and I very easily get hurt and shut off.

I don't think I had a bad relationship with my first psych when I started. It got worse the more we went into the past - and we only scraped some of the surface. Eventually I told my GP I could not continue. Perhaps I was just not ready to talk? I feel much more stable now with the meds. 

What is your experience with psychs? Or are you training to be one?

Best regards, Yggy

[Tiffany861]

My first psych I think it was around my 6 visit when I realised my sessions were just sitting in a room with a stranger avoiding any real topics. She was nice enough but I didn't click with her I didn't feel like she could empathize and her tactics seemed to be to try to distract me from any real topics if I showed any signs of discomfort she changed the subject.

My new psych is considerate of my feelings and limits and tries to not  push too far but still encourages me to look at my response and what caused it with no judgement but simple curiosity. And he makes me laugh it's impossible not to sometimes he just repeats what I have said so i can hear how absurd and condemning I am towards my self.

Suspicion is a normal reaction when someone has committed an atrocity towards you. Our minds try and protect us from it happening again, unfortuneatly sometimes it gets a little over zealous. Only you can know if your mind is trying to protect yourself from your past by making you suspicious of the person helping you to unravel it because that would cause you discomfort, or whether your psych is just not someone you feel comfortable with. In the end it is your decision if you change psych or not, but I advise you to really tune into what story your mind is telling you and whether it has any truth in the here and now or whether it's story lies in the assumption that the past is likely to repeat. I suspect it might take you more than 2 sessions to figure out if your psych is a good fit for you. I would also recommend discussing it with your psych it may be something you can work on together to build a better connection.

I have started a bachelor of psychology but by no means am I qualified to guide you or anyone else. These are just my experiences and opinions. Whether or not I make it to the end depends on whether I can deal with my own demons just as it would with any career I had chosen.

Best of luck Yggy you are doing amazing, I know the road is long and rocky but at least you are on your journey and it's all we can be expected to do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other trying to move forward.

Kind regards

Tiff

[Guest_5218]

I have been seeing my psych for a little over 3 years now.  And I agree that it takes a long time to develop enough trust to start telling anyone your most distressing thoughts and memories.  For me I'd been seeing her for over 2 years before I was able to tell her about my traumatic event, which I'd kept a secret for 19 years.  And even then it was the most difficult thing I have ever done, involved many tears, panic attacks, and much anxiety for many months.  But I do feel better for having finally confided in someone.  So I think it is worth trying to find the right therapist, but its really hard to know when you have done so.  In the end for me, it was a trust thing.  I had developed an understanding with her and felt she could be trusted with my story.  Because like many people with PTSD I do have a trust issue so it took a long time, but it was worth persevering.  I am so glad that I now have someone that I feel I can talk to about anything....

I think you would know after a few appointments if you are definitely NOT going to 'click'.  And if thats the case then move on.  If you are not quite sure after a few appointments, it could be worth persevering a little longer given that it does take time to build a connection and develop trust.  But if the psych is trying to get you off a topic where you start to show some discomfort, then something is definitely wrong.  You did the right thing by moving on from your first psych.  

Best of luck with the Bachelor of Psychology course.  I hope it all works out well for you.

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Firstly, great to have Tiffany and Sherie coming on board here as well – hopefully they’ll hang around and share more thoughts and experiences.  I do like their responses about psych’s, etc.  All very good stuff.

That must have been so hard for you as your Dad was only a young man when you lost him.  But then my Dad was 84yo, but I didn’t want to lose him and he certainly didn’t want to die … he loved everything in his life so much.  Just a gentle man with wonderful values and kindness and we shared so much together.  You know, you never get that back – as in that kind of relationship with your Dad;  BUT just writing this, I do feel a very good (great) bond with both my children, but especially my daughter.  Something to keep nurturing along.

But it was the mongrel leukaemia that ended up taking Dad.  For your dad however, the side effects from a routine operation – oh wow, that must have come as the most awful horrible shock possible.

I know exactly what you mean when you see someone similar – it hasn’t been for a while now for Dad, but I see lovely ladies who remind me of Mum quite a bit and for me, it’s very tough.  I feel like going up to them and giving them a hug – but that could be very awkward and weird, I’ve thought.

The farm was sold about a year after Dad passed away;  and I won’t talk a lot more about that, as that is an anchor of depression for me and something I’m working my way through with my psych.   It was a smallish farm, but was awesome.  Had crops, cattle and sheep and when growing up, we had a good sized piggery as well.

Am still aiming to get to the gym tomorrow, so will see how I go.  I’ve been doing little session in my garage over the past week and have been going ok with that.

Yes, I’ve been with my psych for about 3-4 years now and though I don’t see her on a regular basis, we do have an awesome repour and I find it helpful to get along and be able to unload.  But with the medical health plan that we need to get from our GP, the visits are limited to about 10 a year.  Six in the first batch and then you need to get back to the GP for a follow-up plan and you get another 4 in the second lot.

For me, it’s not like you can just go along like you would to a physio;  you only get a set amount per year.  I don’t know if that’s right or wrong.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hello Neil, Sherie, Tiff and Mrs Dools:)

It is lovely to have a group of people. I just wonder how Mrs. Dools and her husband are, as we have not heard from her for a while.

Thank you all for your support before my psych appointment. I was getting very anxious over the weekend. It is good to know that I am not the only one with trust issues. I have actually managed to get through my appointment. I went in with a positive attitude. I told  myself, give him a chance, have an open mind. I told myself to speak up for myself. I asked a few questions and he took time to explain and eventually I handed over my letter. I will just brush away all concerns until I have done some more sessions in January/February. With the meds I am getting on ok and next week I am starting a wellbeing course with mindspot. I am interested to learn and my GP and psych are happy for me to do it.

WhiteKnight did a post the other day where he mentioned being educated about treatments etc. So I find it interesting that you are studying psychology, Tiff. Good luck with your studies!

Neil, I am so glad to hear that your Dad loved his life to the end. That is so important and I am so sorry to hear he died of leukaemia. Leukaemia is a horrible disease, my Mum's best friend died of leukaemia and it was very difficult to follow her ups and downs and her eventual decline. I think you said to Tiff or to Sherie on another post, that nobodys problem is more difficult than somebody elses. Losing your parent at any age, if you had a great relationship, is so hard. I can understand that you can still see your Mum in other ladies, as she has only recently passed. I hope one day our pain will fade and we will only be able to see the happy memories and how fortunate we were to have our parents. I am glad you can create that bond with your children. I am struggling at the moment to keep the bond with my step children. I love them dearly, but I am just lost of words when I talk to them. I have not talked to them about how I feel. I don't really want to worry them. I will be a grandma for the first time soon, and I just want them to enjoy the present moment.

Good luck at the gym tomorrow Neil! So exciting! I went first time today and had a very light session but was happy after! Let me know how you go! When is the appointment for your next tattoo? Must be soon!

Regards to all! Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy (and others 🙂

That sounded like a very positive appointment with your psych and I’m really glad that via a few posts back and forth, that a number of us shared, it hopefully has led to you, not only going into that session, but also coming out of it with a positive attitude and even a feel-good experience.

It’s also so good to read that you’re branching towards other mechanisms to get some more “wellness” into your life, ie:  the wellbeing course for one.  That’s all great stuff Yggy.

I’ve decided to postpone my gym come-back for just one more week – just another few days to let my body ‘heal’ by itself.  Each day the ball of my foot is getting better, which is fantastic and I guess as long as I don’t put it under too much stress, that should keep getting better.  I’ll keep my mini-home workouts going for this week.

Again, that’s more awesomeness from you Yggy, in getting yourself to the gym for a workout.  Light one or not, it doesn’t matter;  you made the effort to get there.  Nice and steady when starting back again, the best way to ease yourself back into it.

Hmmm, next tatt?  I’ve had my two recent ones done;  maybe there’s a bit of communication confusion here.  I’ve had the chorus from that song as well as my absolutely stunningly beautiful one that was done in memory for Mum (Monday week ago).  I do have a third one, but it’s still in the planning stage.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

my memory was a bit garbled... I was thinking of your Hawk tattoo, but you are designing that 🙂 Are your other tattoos nicely healed? I had my first experience on the weekend to fit a dress and shoes to my tattoo 🙂 Went shopping for the xmas party and it will be the first time my work mates will be able to see my tattoo. I love my tattoo!

How was your weekend? Did you have a nice weekend? Are you doing anything special in the lead up to xmas? Have you decorated the house? Your children will be at home for xmas? That would be lovely. We will be on our own, as one lives in the UK and the other one is in Australia, but will be working through xmas. I will have two weeks off and I am getting excited to spend time at home and with my husband. He has been very attentative and cute lately, trying everything to cheer me up. It is comforting to know he is by my side. I think xmas will be hard as I do miss the kids and my family and friends. I was sad last weekend when I did the xmas shopping as it hit me that our boy won't be with us. But I will see him this weekend!

It is great that you are listening to your body and giving it another week rest before you hit the gym. You are correct about nice and steady. What are you doing in your "mini workouts"? How long would you normally go to the gym for? My only goal at the moment is to move 30min a day - whether that is a shopping marathon or a walk in the evening sun, I don't care, I just want to move again. Yesterday, two years ago I did a 2.5k ocean swim - it was the furthest I have ever swam in the open ocean. I wish my shoulder & neck would be up for swimming. It is so hard to know that I am not allowed to push my body as I would like to. I am sincerely trying to accept my limitations, but it does make me sad.

I am hoping that the wellbeing course will be beneficial. It is all about breaking unhelpful habits and learning about mood cycles, thoughts... my psych said it is CBT. I will let you know how it is.

Leaving the letter at my psych was a "brain dump" I needed. There are so many areas in my life that I need to  discuss, at least he knows now. It was only a list, but it gives a brief outline. When I first started this journey I thought I would be back to "normal" within 6 months. It has been 7 months now and we have not even started the process. It is going to be a long journey. I am not even sure what back to "normal" means anymore.

Thanks for being here for me, it helps so much! Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Ah yes, my Hawk tatt – yes, it’s still in the planning stage – am tossing around a few ideas etc, but yes, it’s definitely a happening thing.  Also want to get some things added above my “Kennel from hell” tatt, which is my depiction of my own black dog (depression) – I will be getting some dark menacing clouds and possibly lightning (if that works) above it.

That sounds awesome that you can go out and fit up a dress and shoes to go with your tatt – and then you will be able to display it off to your work colleagues – way to go.  And yes, both my new ones have healed nicely – I’ve remembered other ones that I’ve had to be a lot more itchy in that healing process, but these ones weren’t so bad – oh well, it’s all good.

Weekend was very productive.  We have a large hedge out the front of our place, and now it’s not near as large.  Would have been years since it was pruned, so I hooked in and bought it down from about 16 feet, down to about 8 feet now.  Oh boy, it looks so much better now;  and my neighbour had a mate come by with a 3 tonne truck, so in no time at all, the large amount of prunings – GAWN !  Awesome.

We usually have Christmas Day now on our own – just the fam, the four of us and love it that way.  I haven’t planned for any time off yet, so will have to see.  The shopping always stresses me out in the lead up – what to buy, etc?  Without fail, every year.

Just doing some rowing type exercises for the back;  some pushups with feet up on a chair, so it makes them a lot harder;  and loads of different tricep and bicep exercises also.

When at the gym, the usual time is around 90 minutes – as I generally work two body parts in the one session – except legs.  On leg days, it’s just legs.  That IS an awesome goal you’ve set for yourself – and it’s awesome that you’ve got a list of possible journeys for where you can go to get that achieved.

That swimming effort is some huge achievement – is your shoulder/neck area just not able to handle you with the swim motion anymore?  No matter how small a stage you commence off with?  But yeah, what we were once able to do AND enjoy, but we can no longer do, but if we could, we KNOW we would enjoy once more.

Identifying unhealthy habits and working on ways to break them is an awesome thing to get happening.  Hey, wouldn’t it be awesome to try, for every unhealthy habit that is broken, you try to create a healthy habit in return?

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

 I am not sure if you will get this message before the weekend starts, but I hope you have a nice weekend. Will you tackle another big garden project? I am glad my husband does the hard work in the garden and I can just lounge in the sun and pick strawberries - I am very spoilt! Have you started your xmas shopping yet? I started and finished last weekend. I hate crowds and the stressful atmosphere before xmas and I am glad when it is over and done. I need to post a few things, so I need to get them on the way early.

How has your week been? Have you been feeling a little bit better since seeing your psych? I hope you had a little bit easier week. How did the training at home go? Are you ready to hit the gym next week? How often do you go to the gym? I used to do 2 weight session at 60min each.

We are going to Melbourne this weekend and I am excited to see my boy 🙂 I am actually thinking of talking to him about my struggles so that he knows it is not him when I am miserable. I thought we could go for a walk on our own in the morning and have a chat, just the way we used to. I am not sure if I will bring up the courage though. I don't really want him to worry about me.

I am a little worried about travelling again, but this time my husband will be with me, and I am worried about two social get together that I will have to attend. It feels so weird to be like this. It feels weird that I need to think about strategies how to cope when I am on the road again. I feel so much more comfortable at home. But I really want to see my boy - I think otherwise I would have cancelled the trip. It does make me anxious.

Your Kennel from Hell tattoo sounds pretty dark and a little frightening. Is it a tattoo of a dog? I picture a scary dog, growling at me. Seems to fit dark menacing clouds and lightening. How do you feel when you look at this specific tattoo?

I have lost the confidence for swimming. I have lost confidence in my body. It is a long way to recovery. My body may be up for it again, but my mind is the problem. I keep talking to my GP about it, but I find it difficult to start anything. I am glad I started in the gym this week. I need time.

Next week will be difficult, I have some long meetings that scare me. Thinking of my trip to Melbourne and those meetings, gets me down.

I want to create healthy habits in return of abandoning some bad ones and I am looking forward to start my program on Monday.

Take care Neil, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Another weekend gone & another week commences.  The cycle continues.  Never speeding up, never slowing done – it just churns on.  And for those that live in it are then needed to do the things they do in order to continue in this cycle.  For a lot of people, this cycle is an ok one & perhaps for a lot, even an exciting & captivating one.  Then you have us who live in this cycle & as it churns on, so do we.   Trying desperately to find goodness & calm – but so many of us, we are unable to do that & so as another week commences, we find ourselves hanging on as we’re dragged along.  Anxiety, tension & stress all just up ahead;  waiting with open armed claws.

Oh boy where did that come from?  That’s almost like an excerpt from my life story manuscript – if I looked up a section in there, I would say that it would read remarkably similar.

With your upcoming trip, you have your husband with you & you’re going to meet your son – as much as you can, try to keep those two things at the forefront of your mind.  Also know that the time away will not be lengthy; it will be for a brief period;  you’ll be back home to your sanctuary before you know it.  Good sage advice Neil; I should try to incorporate those kinds of tactics myself!  He says as he LOL’s out loud (actually that isn’t grammatically correct – I didn’t need to emphasis the ‘out loud’ part).

Did some more gardening on the weekend;  removal of a few weeds from a particular section & then swept that/racked it over & looks impressive – I was going to say it looks like a million dollars – but if that was the case, I’d be home with a real estate agent & asking them to put it on the market & I won’t take a penny less than a million.  Ah dreams – in fact it’s a double D moment – dreams & digression.

But with it also being Monday, I hope that you are keen as for the commence of your new program & for the healthy habit aspect to enter Phase One.  I’ll be riding this through with you, so I am very keen to hear how you go with this.

There is no dog in the tatt – just the image of one – so the viewee can then conjure up their own image of what it might look like.  To me, I guess it’s a tribute to myself & my depression.  I’ve got depression & it’s screwing with my life, but it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t also embrace it & so to display it in a form of artwork is something that is special to me.  Keeping him in the kennel, that’s the key.

Neil