Disclosing CSA To Friends

[Over-thinker]

Back in 2019, after 16 years I disclosed child sexual abuse to my closest friend. I had always recalled it but I suppose I never processed it since I blamed myself and brushed it aside as not meeting the typical ‘criteria’ of sexual abuse. Initially my friend was supportive but after a few months she began to get frustrated at my seeming lack of progress, I developed an eating disorder, self harm, anxiety, depression, met the criteria of PTSD. I was attending therapy weekly and things were getting sorted, but I guess she couldn’t handle it anymore, she broke off the friendship.

So since then I’ve told a few other friends, because sometimes it feels like it’s burning inside and I want to get it out. But every time I tell, I get insecure. What’s more I feel like I shouldn’t bother them with it again, like I’ll ‘use them up’ as I did with my closest friend before. So I end up telling more people than I’d like, just to not burden one.

A few weeks ago I was triggered while getting dressed in my wardrobe and recalled a fragmented memory through an emotional flashback. I felt ambivalent about discussing it, still do. But it kept bothering me (and after dismissing my own experiences for so long I tend to seek external validation) so I decided to message a friend who I’d told once before about the CSA. I messaged late at night and she replied in the morning and asked how I was feeling— I responded, and she never replied again. I felt pretty rubbish. After weeks I didn’t want her to try and reply this late, so I messaged about something random and she responded, ignoring my other message.

So that’s the story, what I was wondering was…

Would you take it as that friend isn’t available for trauma discussion, although they did ask a question?

~ Overthinker

[Sophie_M]

Hey Over-thinker,

Thank you for sharing here with us. First of all, we are deeply sorry to hear that you experienced what you did. It is incredibly brave to reach out here and talk about it and we hope this can be a safe and supportive space for you to do so.

It can be really upsetting when we open up to a friend about something so personal and do not receive the type of support or understanding that we needed. Sometimes friends and family want to support us but are not quite sure what to say or what we need. Unfortunately, this can lead to us feeling pretty isolated in our time of distress. Sometimes it can be helpful to say what is most helpful for you at the time. For example, 'I need a distraction - what ha been happening for you?', or 'I just need to vent for a minute, is that okay?'.

Managing triggers alone is really tough. Please know that you are always welcome to reach out to us on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat. Another option is the Blue Knot Foundation on 1300 657 380, who support people who’ve experienced childhood trauma, available every day between 9am-5pm (AEDT). They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.   

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. We hope that feel safe and welcomed here💙

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Over-thinker]

Thanks for replying Sophie,

Yes I’ve heard of Blueknot too.

There’s always a risk with being specific in sharing your needs though… if you’re straight forward and still don’t get a supportive response it feels worse. If I’m not as blatant in my words then I can excuse the friend easier if they don’t come through. I guess that approach reveals a core belief that you can’t trust people, or that they will be there for me.

Today I had four people ask how I was (in a general greeting way) gave them all different replies because I didn’t know how respond— do you be honest or just pretend? I don’t like feeling fake. But  I guess I lost confidence in sharing because in response to the first friend I honestly said “my anxiety is pretty bad today…” and they basically changed the topic to their overseas holiday plans.

My resilience is not the greatest if I throw out a line and it gets discarded.