How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? *TRIGGER WARNING*

[Fiatlux]

Hi lovely people,

Some of you here may have followed some of my earlier posts, but I have complex PTSD from years of domestic violence and abuse from my current husband. My anxiety levels are very high right now.

Leaving my current living arrangements isn’t an option at the moment or this time in my life. I am 56 and still need to work and somehow run a business with my narcissistic husband.

Lately, he is becoming more and more vile and nasty with his words and taunts.

He knows how damaged my self esteem and self worth is and he is the cause of this.

I try to be civil and reasonable in living under the same roof but he’s getting more and more angry and hostile to the point of yelling at me to move out if I don’t like IT. He has yelled at me several times and lately in front of our sons, aged 27 and 29. 

HE knows that since giving up my apartment in 2022, I have nowhere to move out to. I don’t have any friends or family contacts or support. Not even a friend to talk to about this. I can’t keep burdening my sons with this.

I am scared that he is pushing me to the brink once again. I have come very close to ending my life several times but I can’t do that to my children. I want to live and enjoy watching them grow and hopefully have their own children one day.

He’s making me feel like I just want to end it all. Just abandon this life as it’s not ever going to be good. I will always have this trauma to haunt me forever.

Thank you for being here and listening. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[white knight]

Hi again,

I have an ex wife, mother to our two daughters. After 11 years of marriage in 1996 her abuse had effected me so much that I made an attempt. My father - deceased at the time once said "better a good part time dad than no dad at all" and those words helped save me but it was the worst day of my life... 7 days later I left the family home and much damage done with my kids 7 and 4yo and lost my full time fatherhood. I had to keep working to ensure child support would pave the way for my kids to have a good life and I built my own home and improved myself.

But the fallout was huge and I decided then and still believe today that when suicidal one should try everything within your power to save yourself. If it meant hitch hiking to the outback and getting a job there so be it, moving into a caravan park? so be it... and so on. There is just no justification to remain in a bullying household for any other reason.... yes, even a reason of business. That might not sit with you well, but IMO moving out and seeking a family law solicitor is an advancement whereby you dont only save yourself but you begin to rebuild your character and self esteem.

I have a post below that you can read to assist you with this topic.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/narcissism/td-p/334484

Reply anytime as usual

TonyWK

[Fiatlux]

Thanks Tony,

The saying that I love my children more than life itself is so very true.

Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Fiatlux]

Hi Tony,

I really appreciate your reply.

My awful fate was sealed in 1987, so we weren’t too far apart.

My marriage although not arranged was definitely forced upon me. I had just turned 19 and was desperate to get out and stop it. My mother was adamant that I had to go through with it and again to never tell my father about the abuse I had been subjected to by this man. I was a child, he a 25 year old man who abused me and manipulated me in the most horrific ways. Yeah, his acts were definitely illegal and jailable offences. 

My mother is a Narcissist but I didn’t have a name for it growing up. I suspect that my older sister also has narcissistic traits. My older sister who was married and divorced by age 21, introduced me to this guy who she was infatuated with. I didn’t really like him from the start but I went along with it. I was 17 years old at that time. Still at school and everyone else thought how cool that I had a 23 year old boyfriend. It turns my stomach just thinking back to then. I never ever liked him. But he was so sweet and charming around my family. Little did they know. He threatened me all the time if I didn’t comply with his commands. He was going to tell my father that I was a little s. Which was worse than me telling my father that he had sexually abused me. Which was the actual truth. He makes my skin crawl. But it was the 1980’s and girls were always blamed. Ain’t it the truth.

I won’t go into more detail now, as I have written it all down in the past as I started to relive it again.

Have a peaceful Anzac Day and relax. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[white knight]

You are an amazing person.

TonyWK 

[Fiatlux]

Hi Tony,

After reading your experience with your own mother, something popped into my head that my mother said to me just over 20 years ago.

By 2003, my older sister and older brother had both gone through 2 divorces each. In 2003 my husband had returned from a month in Europe where he had partied and basically spent a lot of time in the company of sex workers.

Husband was leaving me and wanted a divorce. He was going to return to Europe and live the high life. Our children were 8, 6 & 5. I was relieved at the prospect of it. Except that he wouldn’t agree with me buying out his half of the house so I could at least have a roof over our heads. The Bank had valued our house lower than the mortgage over it, so selling, paying off the mortgage and splitting whatever was left over, wasn’t going to work in husband’s favour. I offered to take on the mortgage on my own. This didn’t suit him either.

In a moment of madness or misjudgment, I went to inform my parents of our impending divorce, however my father wasn’t home when I drove over there so I told my mother anyway. I didn’t want it to be a surprise to anyone when husband left.

My mother’s response was to tell me to do anything to keep my marriage together so as not to embarrass her and my father. After my siblings numerous divorces my parents looked bad in the eyes of their friends. 

Her words were “why can’t you be the normal one”. She just wanted me to stay married so she would look good. As my father wasn’t home, she asked me to not say a word to my dad in case my dad would physically attack my husband and he would be in trouble with police etc. Husband was supposed to also inform his own parents so everyone was in the know. Of course he didn’t tell them of his plans, so I did. His parents barely reacted and never mentioned it to him. I couldn’t believe it.

Does my mother sound like a narcissistic parent? My father wasn’t perfect but he wasn’t irrational. Sure his other children’s divorces were hard on him as a loving parent hurts when their child is hurt.

My mother was my father’s second wife but he never ever spoke about her but he was supportive of divorce as he’d been through it himself.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to write so much but it was my mother saying, could you be the normal one, that has been playing on my mind. So here I still am, 21 years later being the normal one. 🙏🏼

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Fiatlux,

If your mother was concerned more about appearances than your well being then that is a narcissistic behaviour. 

I am wondering if it would help to get a referral from your GP to see a psychologist to work through the challenges you are dealing with? 1800RESPECT may have an idea about how to begin dealing with the situation. They have info on their website too. Remember there are always the various helplines if you are struggling.

Take good care and I hope you can find some peaceful time this weekend,

ER

[white knight]

My mother can be summed up if you google "queen witch hermit waif "

There's extracts there of the book "walking on eggshells" by Dr Chistine Lawson

TonyWK 

[Fiatlux]

Thanks Tony,

I did google “queen witch hermit waif” that was interesting. I am very familiar with the book “Walking on Egg Shells “  I should start reading it again. 🙏🏼

[Fiatlux]

Learning to navigate around a demanding person can be very difficult.

Late this afternoon I was standing at the stove and preparing some finishing touches to the dinner I had been preparing this afternoon.

My husband decided that it would be a good time to interrupt me and ask me to go outside with him as he decides at 5pm that he wants to plant a yucca tree.

I couldn’t look up at him and answered that I couldn’t stop what I was doing and that he has to wait. I was roasting spices in one pan and couldn’t look away as they go from good to burnt in a matter of seconds. In the other pan I was stirring a beurre Blanc sauce which also needed constant attention. 

He then raised his voice accusing me of looking at him and pulling faces? Strange as I glanced at him and tried desperately to explain why I wouldn’t stop what I was doing to attend to him.

He has a habit of doing this with everyone. His mother and our sons. He doesn’t get that he’s the demanding one, with the problem. When he wants someone, he wants it now! 

He wanted me to tell him where to plant the yucca so I don’t yell at him later that’s it wrong.

He is freaking delusional now. My son has suggested to me that his father has some serious deficiency. He doesn’t appear to have any concept of space and measurements nor does he seem to know left from right. I learnt very early that he is definitely no home handyman, but anyone should be aware of how to dig a hole. 

This afternoon he was looking for a sharp kitchen knife to use in the garden when we have garden tools for this. I redirected him to ask our son about the small hand saw that I have seen my son use. I few minutes later he parades past me in the kitchen proudly holding up the handsaw like he was putting on a show and waiting for applause.

I am writing this here to document his weird behaviour.

This morning he has organised a guy to come over to the house and help with preparing for hard rubbish collection. He actually expected me to thank him and congratulate him on hiring a guy to do something that most homeowners would do themselves. My husband doesn’t do anything around the house and since his father passed in 2026, we have to pay a guy to mow our nature strip as we don’t have any lawn. 

Anyway at 6pm I called to him that dinner was ready if he was hungry. He emerged from the study at 6:30 after I had finished eating my dinner and looked pissed. I ignored him. It’s best that way.