digging deep into my memories of sexual abuse [TRIGGER WARNING]

[witheredorchid]

First off let me start by saying it has been very hard coming to terms with this. I am still confused by it. I just need to let it out. Finally.

When I was 10 my friends brother sexually abused me. Years later when giving birth to my daughter I would find out he actually harmed me in a way that made labour even more difficult. I just froze and never said anything until asked if I was abused by a doctor when I had my internal exam. When I was 12 I had this older guy at school and a group of his friends bully and abuse me. on top of all the other things in my life I am just so overwhelmed and confused. I get angry, sad, scared, anxious and I have nightmares about it going further with either myself or my daughter. its become more and more often even though it had been 7 years. I don't know whats happening.

[james1]

Hello witheredorchid,

First of all welcome to the forums. I hope you can feel safe here because you've had some really horrible things happen in your past, and it sounds like there are many things now which understandably do not feel safe for you.

I am so sorry to hear the abuse that happened when you were still a kid. That kind of thing would have been so frightening back then, and often leads to a lot of trouble down the track. It is important to always remember that none of these things were your fault at all.

Others with more personal experience may be able to be of more help than me, but can I ask if you have told anyone apart from the doctor? It's really important that you don't keep all this to yourself and, especially when it is getting so overwhelming, that you have the right support around you.

Hope you can get back to us. We really want to help you and keep talking to you.

James

[geoff]

hello Witheredorchid, to post your first comment is not easy to do as it may take you a few times to decide to press post but pleased you have because you won't be judged by any of us, we only want to help you.

Touching anybody in an unsuitable way without consent could be regarded as abuse, so that's what these boys have to you, which I'm so sorry for.

I don't think it's only PSTD but I think you are worrying about your daughter that the same might happen to her, that's totally understandable.

You would be a good listener but your daughter has to feel as though she can also tell a teacher, the counsellor or someone who is close to her if this ever happens.

Please get back to us when you can. Geoff.

[startingnew]

hi and welcome to the forums

i too was sexuall abused so can understand the feelings your experiencing. the others here have given some good advice so i help you find it helpful... i think its really brave of you to be speaking out about this so very well done and its understandable you would be scared and its very hard to accept.

im not sure if your interested in pressing charges if so then you can get free advice from legalaid and its ok if you dont want to- i havent and wont now.

im wondering if you have any offline support? i think it would be worthwhile speaking to your gp about this and asking them to performa mentla health assessment and from there they can refer you to a psychologist (and a psychiatrist if your interested in medications) that way you can talk about it an get more support surrounding this- the more supprot the better really. and they can also help you with some coping strategies to deal with things.

i have quite a few coping suggestions that im happy to share if you would like?

please keep talking here, we are listening

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi witheredorchid,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here.

I think I can echo everyone else in saying thank you for sharing your story, opening up with us and having the courage to talk about what's happened so long ago.

The one thing that I will say though is to try and explain why this is happening after 7 years -

The idea of trauma is that it's overwhelming the system, and our bodies and brains need to cope with that. When you were 10 years old you had no idea how to cope with that; as would anybody at that age. Given that you were so young, there's every chance that your brain might have said 'nope! Can't deal' and put all those memories in a little box and shove it out of the way, which is why you've been able to manage this really well until now.

We don't really know why suddenly things 'pop out of the box'. We think that it's because we are now better equipped to deal with them; like even though I don't know you I am assuming that you are in a safe relationship, your daughter is healthy etc - so it's become a safe space for this all to unravel. - Also by saying all this I am not trying to take away how painful this is for you. I'm only saying this to try and give you some insight into why this happens and that it's actually really common in people who have been sexually abused.

I hope this makes some sense to you; and I hope that you feel like you're able to share your story more and more. I'm so sorry that this has had to happen to you, but it doesn't have to impact you as much as it does today.