Stressed and anxious, just want to move on and start a new life (warning: possible triggers of sexual abuse)

[Lisa_C]

My ex lives with his parents and two brothers 12 & 15. Approximately 3 months ago, I stopped our son (5 in March) from going to their house because on one night of him coming home from there, I caught him in two seperate moments behaving sexually on my bed (extremely inappropriate for a 5 year old) my mummy sences were on high alert. It clearly indicated to me that he had been exposed to online porn and/or been shown sexual behaviours, after that he didn’t want to speak about it. I took him to our GP ASAP, who called child protection and they got involved. However he is still allowed contact with his dad, just not at his house. My instincts from the start were that my son should not be going to that house because they are disrespectful to each other and used fowl langue around my son and other inappropriate things too. But I trusted his dad to protect him and I told him not to leave our son in his family’s care or leave him alone in his uncles bedrooms but he didn’t listen to me, no matter how many times I’d tell him. I felt guilty because I thought I was being too controlling or overprotective. Now that my ex has only just found a new girlfriend he has turned against me and is going through mediation because he feels like he doesn’t get enough say in his sons life (even though I have NOT stopped them from seeing each other!) I’ve just been worried for our sons safety and making sure he doesn’t take him back to that house again. Anyway in 6 months time or so, I’m hoping to move to a new town on the beach (where I know I will find happiness as I’ve wanted to move to the beach for a long time) about 4.5hrs away from my ex but I am happy to travel back there every 2nd weekend so my son and ex can spend time together. I’m just wondering can my ex stop me from doing this? Will mediation try to stop me? I’m sole carer of my son and always have been. I know what’s best for both of us. I am not running away. I just want to start a new life and find happiness after 6 years of a miserable relationship. I am so done with all this. So very emotionally tired but I am TRYING to stay strong, I cannot show my weakness, I have to stay strong for my son and myself. Any advice appreciated. Thank you.

[white knight]

Hi LisaC

Theres no doubt you are feeling the heat at the moment.

Issues to do with child protection I cant comment on, they are highly trained people. Furthermore we only get one side of the story.

By all means Id suggest you promote good calm communication with your ex. This is essential but difficult. Try not to jump to conclusions. Some sexual actions are very normal for children...it doesnt mean they have been subjected to porn. If anything thats drawing a long bow and it would be very sad for your ex and his relationship with his son if that didnt happen.

Foul language? Yes not good but differences in household needs tolerance. Remember your ex might not like some aspects of your lifestyle or habits. Humans have to be tolerant.

Moving to the beach, legally seek advice. As a suggestion half way to the beach might be more ideal? And reasonable. 4 hours apart could spark a legal protest from your ex. If you drive 4 hours to drop off your son then 4 return for the next 13 years? You'll get tired of that.

Im trying to give a balanced view. There are many situations out there where the non custodial parent often the father, suffers due to lots of reasons. He then finds himself in a position where he has to take legal action to regain his rights. For example, if you restricted access to his son and one reason was foul language, likely nowadays a judge would dismiss that in a heartbeat. If your son watches tv he'll hear it there.

You have every right to put such concerns to your sons father but in a calm, non demanding way.

I hope I've helped.

Tony WK

[Lisa_C]

Thanks Tony.

About being exposed to porn, it’s most likely he was, if only you had of seen what my son was doing, in saying that though when he was allowed at his dads family home they watched whatever they wanted on tv without caring if our son saw it, plus his 15 yr old uncle had his own tablet and had access to porn whenever he wanted which my son was left in his care at times, this didn’t bother or my sons dad or his grandparents. Hopefully they have learnt now. My opinion never matter on this, I was not heard. And it’s not nice having your son learn racist and sexist words/comments... coming home calling me racist words and other things like a dog and me having to work with him and try to educate him on how inappropriate this talking is. Since not being around his dads family his behaviour has improved a lot. there was also family violence in their house which my son was exposed to whenever he was there. Bullying, emotional & physical abuse ect.

I know no ones perfect and everyone is different and I’m far from perfect but when it comes to beyond inappropriate behaviours that effect my child’s behaviour and wellbeing well then how can’t a mother be overprotective and intervene.

I love my son spending time with his dad and it’s better now that his not around his dads family all the time as long as dad learns from this and works on his behaviour too, and is more cautious.

As for moving 4 hours away, there are many options to work around dad and son spending time together. And if I travel back home to drop my son off, I will also stay the weekend at my mums until it’s time to go back, he can also come up to us with his new partner and kids if he wants to get along with me, or meet half way like you suggested or take him on holidays when he has them. This is what I really want to do in the next 6-12 months and I know it will benefit myself and my son. So much more options and the beach which we both love. I have family members who live there too, I don’t want to move to a place where I don’t know anyone.