Delayed grief

[David35]

I thought I had got over my father's death which occurred almost 7 years ago. Anyway, I've been trying to get mum out lately and last Friday we went to a pub which dad, mum and I used to frequent for many years before his passing. The whole time there I panicked. The next day I've been in a state of panic almost all day. I think it's because we had so many good memories at this particular pub and the realisation now is that those memories were largely because dad was either in our company, or alive at the time (mum and I used to go there during his chemo because he couldn't taste anything). Has anyone else experienced this? Is it something that passes? I think we'll avoid this pub from now on because my heart keeps telling me that dad should be there, but my brain knows he's not. This inner conflict is driving me nuts and ultimately it just reinforces my grief.

[Ggrand]

Dear David35,

I don’t think we ever get over our loved ones passing…My husband passed away nearly 10 years ago and I still get triggered with seeing or hearing things that remind me of him…some triggers are good memories, other triggers are not…which put me into ptsd downers…

Over time I have learnt to cherish those (good) triggers that remind me of some good times we had, treasuring them and remember those good times…

Enjoying a drink with your mum at the pub you all used to enjoy as a family and have fun in, would have been hard for you both….I am so sorry that the following day, you struggled with  panic…you love him and miss him…you always will 🤗..He sounds like he was a very loving caring father to you…draw on those good times you had with him..remember those good times, he will always remain with you in your heart…

Sadness at times will overwhelm you, that’s because you have love for him that will never cease to exist….Grief can be as long as you need it to be…maybe we grieve for our loved ones for our entire life…when things remind us of them…it hurts our heart and soul…..because he was a part of your life and that part of your life that you had your precious father with you…will always be with you…

Cherish those beautiful memories with love….whether those memories bring you tears or a smile on your face…feel those emotions and if you need to cry…that’s okay…if you need to smile…that’s okay too…

Thinking of you with my care and kindness…

Grandy..

[indigo22]

Hi David,

I can again relate to what you are describing and I think I can give you some insight here. My father died of cancer in 2004 and because he had metastatic cancer in his lungs, he often needed to be taken to the hospital to drain his lungs of fluid, which I once had to help with because I could talk to him and keep him still during the procedure. In order for me to fill my roll as power of attorney, I needed to tuck most of my emotions away in a closed compartment in order to do what was necessary for his well being. I didn't really get a chance to grieve properly after he died because mum had health issues that needed attention, so again I needed to compartmentalise to get the job done. In 2007 we discovered that mum also had cancer and had major surgery. I was her sole carer and needed to attend to her wounds and make sure she was comfortable and not in pain. Again I compartmentalised to get the job done. In 2010 by brother had been having shoulder pain so I recommended my physio who treated him a few times without success and sent him for an x-ray which revealed he had a shadow on his lung that turned out to be late stage aggressive lung cancer (no doubt from exposure to agent orange in Vietnam as many other veterans discovered). Again I compartmentalised so I could be there for him through his crisis while at the same time caring for my mother. He tried chemotherapy to no avail and died 5 months later on the same day that I was informed that my mothers cancer had metastasized to her liver and likely would not have long to live. She died 10 weeks after my brother and all of sudden, I no longer need to compartmentalise and result was one enormous tidal wave that crashed down on me. I know you can relate to the need to compartmentalise because of our previous discussions about your mum. Now that your mum is out of danger, you are letting the feelings about the loss of your dad surface in manageable amounts so as not to overwhelm you with a tidal wave. Just let yourself go through the grieving process that you were not able to address at the time of your dad passing, there is nothing wrong, the emotions have just been delayed until a more appropriate time. I have also sent you a post on the other thread which you may not have seen yet.

You are in my thoughts,

indigo22

[David35]

Thanks cGrand, beautiful words. I'm sorry to hear that about your husband. Grief/loss comes in waves, even rogue waves. But then, maybe that's just dad tapping the shoulder telling me things will be okay.

re: Indigo. Yes I think that sounds like what happened. I had to compartmentalise a lot of emotions when caring for him in the last few months, rushing to various apts, usually with mum yelling in the background. I thought it would be happy going to the pub just it brought back the loss. I had forgotten some of the "good times", but my subconscious has a nagging way of reminding me.

You've been through a lot in life. It's surprising you still have such a positive outlook on life. I still struggle some days, but the one thing that gives me hope is listening to other people's stories who've (don't take this the wrong way) had it worse, but still manage to stay afloat. Thanks.

[indigo22]

Hi again David,

It has taken years of counselling and years without having to deal with that type of stress for me to get to where I am now and I am by no means mentally well. I still struggle to do the daily stuff and have very low energy levels despite eating a very healthy diet. I have been on anti depressants for 20 years and I doubt I will be able to get off them, at least not any time soon. The thing is, I realised a few years ago that all that I had been through would be absolutely pointless if I didn't use those experiences to help and support others who are going through "the dark night of the soul" in the present. I just wasn't sure how I should go about it until now, that's how I ended up on the forums. I don't see my experiences as any better or worse than any one else's, but I do believe that we go through our greatest challenges in order to learn and grow. As a result of my experiences I can empathise with what you are going through, show compassion and care for your mental health and offer thoughts and suggestions that may, or may not, be helpful to you. My main goal is to hopefully prevent someone else making the same mistakes that I made and hopefully having a better outcome. I will be here for you whenever you need an understanding ear.

indigo22

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hello David35 (and hello Indigo22), 

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a parent is so hard. It hurts so much. No one ever tells you that it will hurt so much. My father died almost 5 years ago. I miss him so much. He was my rock. I did grieve at the time, but the grief quickly slipped into depression. And my life kind of unraveled after that, with lots of other stressors piled on top of each other...., and now I am recovering from a major mental health breakdown.  

I can understand that going back to the pub would bring up the grief. I had a similar experience after my father died and I went back to the place where I went sailing with father. I thought it would be "healing" to go back there. But, actually, it was too painful, the grief that came up was just too much to bear. Even though they were happy memories, it was just too overwhelming for me. I haven't been back to that spot since. But, I do have a photo of my father's boat. So that is a lovely reminder of the happy times we shared together sailing on his boat. Perhaps it's a matter of finding ways to treasure the memories, without it being too overwhelming.....   

I agree with another post in this thread, that grief comes in waves. It changes over time. Different things bring up the grief. I am finding that over time, the grief is gentler and not as raw as it was at first. That's been my experience, but everyone is different. It is such a unique journey.

I know what you mean about taking comfort in hearing other people's stories who have been through rough times. I feel the same. I think there are a lot of us on here who go up and down, up and down, as we travel along the recovery and healing journey. I am finding it helpful to connect with people who 'get it'. 

take care,

dig  

[David35]

Mum called dad her rock too. I think we tried to recreate some memories, but you're right. They were just too painful. Other places, like working out in the shed using a workbench we both built are easier to deal with. The  same thing occurred with mum and I. The grief slipped into depression as everyone else got on with their lives and we were left to deal with the past traumas of his passing.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear David,

Just in case it helps, I thought I'd mention what I'm experiencing in relation to my mother's death. In recent weeks the grief has moved to being more tender, instead of agonising and paralysing. I think grief can move through different stages and it's just very hard when it still has a real grip on you. The grief over my mother's death was complicated for a whole number of reasons. She was in an anguished state leading up to her death and I absorbed much of that because I was caring for her and trying to help alleviate her distress. Her death was not expected and she died fairly suddenly and dramatically. So my nervous system has taken a very long time to even process what happened let alone move through a grief process.

But what I have found is that the more I practise self-care and really make that a priority, the more the grief is moving from paralysing to tender. When it is tender it is moving through my system. I can feel the emotions and let them out. Certain things trigger a memory connected to Mum and the tears rise up and out of me, and I can feel myself having compassion for those tears and it makes it a tender rather than distressing experience. So the nature of the grief itself is changing.

I'm not sure if that helps, but basically just being really tender, kind and loving towards yourself may actually have a transformative effect on the grief which in turn becomes more tender and less painfully paralysing. I've found this also shifts the depression that can accompany grief and it can lead to a kind of healing starting to happen. Although the grief is always going to be there, it's like its character changes and it is less disabling and more of a gentle, tender process.

Everyone's grief journey is unique, so you may go through a somewhat different process. There is also no correct timescale by which grief occurs and everyone goes through different stages at different times. But I just wanted to share that in case it gives you some hope that you don't necessarily stay stuck permanently in the same place with the grief. It can change over time and your system can start to heal.

Sending you much care and support David.