CPTSD & difficult situations

[Sootyjr]

I have recently been diagnosed with CPTSD and am struggling with certain situations where I find myself having to restrain violent behavior. I was sexual assaulted by a gay man when I was 7 or 8 years old, later my mother came out as being lesbian, her partner worked as a parole officer and treated me like one of her paroles. In later years I became a Bouncer and that lead into a darker form of work collecting money owed for drugs. 10 - 15years of this and I was out but there are some scars that remain and I need advice. I am in a wonderful relationship with a lady and she is my one and only, the problem is that a friend of hers husband is an alcoholic and becomes abusive and belittling when drunk, he recently called me a derogatory name for a homosexual male and I became so enraged that all I could do was get up and walk away while in my head I wanted to hurt him so badly that he would never utter another word again. I have said to her that I can't associate with him anymore as I have a rule that I live by, "you only get one chance with me, I don't give people another chance to insult me". Am I being unreasonable? Do I need to let go? Or am I just protecting my self?

[White_Rose]

Dear Sootyjr

Hello and welcome. It great you have found this forum.

Walking away when you are so very angry with someone is a smart move. Never worry about doing that. I think it shows your strength to say how you felt and to say to your GF that you do not want to associate with this man. He probably thought it a joke or he was being clever but I suspect he angered more than just you. Did your GF agree with you walking away was the best response?

It would be nice if drunken husbands were left at home to sober up but sometimes this just does not happen. I think making rules about who you speak to is reasonable. Unfortunately your GF friend may not be able to talk to her GF if her husband does not tag along. Can you think of a way to dissociate yourself from this man, especially when he is drunk, when you are in the same vicinity?

It is a dilemma you have. To let go of your 'rule' presumably for the sake of your GF, or insist the man does not associate with you and your GF. It is a self protective strategy and has worked well I gather in the past. It's OK when you are the only other person involved but now you have a GF to consider. Why does the world have to get so complicated?

Have you spoken to your GF about the incident, other than to say you cannot associate with this man? Perhaps you can together come up with a strategy that works for everyone. You can stay away from him and your GF can retain her friendship. What do you think?

I would like you to continue writing here for as long as you wish.

Mary

[Sootyjr]

Thank you Mary, it is a difficult delema indeed. When the comment was made there were quite a few people around, mostly drunk, I enjoy a beer or to but unless I feel 100% secure, I never let my guard down and I'm always in a heightened sense of awareness.
Apparently the Drunken Husband has always been like this, taking cheep shots. I had explained that because no one has taken him to task on this, it actually empowered him to think that his behavior is acceptable. I have no feeling for him but I fear becoming aggressive in front of my GF.
I'm fiercely loyal, if you are loved by me, I will sacrifice everything I have to defend you, cross me and the same type of dedication goes to bringing you down.
Once again thank you for listening.

[Helen72]

Hi Sootya,

It's a complicated situation but regardless of your past history, I think you did the right thing. Walking away is impressive control and sticking to your boundaries is also a good thing to do.

The drunk may get more aggressive but it doesn't sound like that will put you off. Being the first to say his behaviour is unacceptable won't be easy and will probably make you a target. Don't get aggressive yourself, try to avoid situations and best of luck 🙂

Helen