Recent break up and partner's trauma

[Clover9312]

Hi all. First time here. Everyone seems lovely.

I recently experienced my first break up. My ex also disclosed his childhood trauma I never knew about. I'm devastated for him. We were best friends for years and became a couple 7 months ago. Everything was wonderful until COVID hit. We limited physical interaction since we don't live together, but spoke on the phone. One day he seemed distant. He told me that he was using isolation to go inward. He was stressed that he lost work (he's on Jopkeeper) and his share house fell apart. He assured me he loved me when asked if he was ok.

He became physically affectionate again, though said it was tough time mentally. He then started avoiding intimacy. I put it down to stress, but I started taking it personally. He was negative, hinting the future was bleak. I told him that I was worried that I was making him uncomfortable when I hugged him. He said he didn't know "how to tell me". He enjoyed isolation, finally taking steps to heal his trauma. He told me he was sexually abused as a child. Facing his trauma, he has gone to a dark place. He told me he hates himself, breaking up with me, saying I need to expect better. He felt worried that he was going to become mean. I was shocked, as that's not the person I've known. I'm scared he fell out of love with me.

He said he can't be physical with anyone at the moment and he can't associate sex with love. He says I'm important to him and he still wants to be my friend. I'm devastated we're not together. I have to accept his decision. He says he can't be a good partner without loving himself. I suspect he has PTSD? Reading about symptoms, a lot adds up. I'm wondering if COVID and associated stresses triggered? Is it possible for present stressful events to add up and create triggers of past trauma unexpectedly?

Also, my first sexual experiences were with him. My comfort was his highest priority and he was VERY scared about hurting me. I believe this also triggered him. He told me he loved me too much to hurt me. He said he wasn't as stressed with previous sexual partners (they were experienced). He didn't mean that in an awful way, I just think he associated my vulnerability with himself as a child.

Anybody experienced anything similar? The sudden disruption of intimacy and change in personality? I'm struggling badly. Everything was going so well for us and I'm struggling to put the pieces together. I also worry about him SO much.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the forums, Clover9312

We're so grateful that you have reached out to our community tonight, we know that it is not an easy thing to do but it is so important that you have. We're really sorry to hear that you're struggling with a recent breakup right now, which must be especially tough to cope with given the circumstances. It sounds like both you and your ex-partner must be in a lot of pain right now, but please know that you don't have to go through this alone. You've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. 

If you feel up to it, we'd also really recommend reaching out to our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. This website is regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. You are also welcome to talk through these feelings with one of our friendly counsellors at our dedicated support line, which is available 24/7 on 1800 512 348.

We hope that you can find some comfort here in the forums, and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.
 
 

[Croix]

Dear ~

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult and worrying time. any sort of break-off with an intimate partner is terribly hard to deal wiht, and raises al sorts of self-doubts. Here matter are even worse as your partner has obvious problems left over from his childhood.

It's not surprising really, particularly if he has PTSD. I'm aware this has not been diagnosed, however it sounds as if it was time he had th benefit of competent medical assistance, preferably a psychiatrist or psychologist in childhood trauma, and if appropriate, childhood abuse.

Assuming PTSD (not a given) then this could explain a lot. I have the remains of PTSD, depression bouts and anxiety for al ong time, they came form a work-related cause, not childhood, but did leave me when the really became pronounced in wanting to be by myself, having no interest in intimacy, feeling that my partner deserved better than me, plus more.

I to felt I ight become

[Croix]

Dear Clover9312

Sorry, the message posted itself 1/2 way though unedited and unfinished, please disregard the last line -no idea why this happens

Anyway what I was trying to say was that I was mean, angry and resentful, which to be fair I'm told was never me before, and is not now.

Do you think there is any way you can get your partner/ex-partner to see his GP with a view to discussing how he feels now and mentioning his past? A very difficult thing for him to do if he has not done so before, but the only real way of improving,. Medical assistance allows me to lead a pretty good life, with mutual love and support.

The stress of current circumstance may well, as you mentioned, be significant in how he feels right now.

As you are in a stressful position yourself you too need support. Do you have a family member or friend you can lean on at the moment? Being able to discuss things frankly with someone who cares makes a big difference, not feeling alone is important.

I look forward to hearing from you again

Croix

[Clover9312]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for the reply. I'm really not doing too well.

I'm shocked. I've been friends with him for years and he took a lot of joy and comfort in my presence. But he became distant and enjoyed lockdown. In the early days of our relationship, he had told me that he hadn't even wanted a relationship again, but had to be with me because his feelings were so strong. We really had some special times that I feel ended abruptly.

While he was still nice to me, he retreated into his own world and became quite isolated. I don't think he's received medical attention. He did say that he is taking steps to heal from his trauma and has experienced growth though. I think he saw this shutdown as an opportunity to do so (he's out of work). Once he sets his mind to something, he's very determined. I believe him when he says he's taking steps to heal.

From what he told me, it sounds like the healing process has brought him quite a bit of emotional upheaval and he told me that it made him want to avoid intimacy. Is that the case during a healing process? He seems to be weathering a storm and he told me that I had nothing wrong and it wasn't me. I'm just confused because the fear of intimacy was so sudden too.

Sorry to bring myself into it again, but I just wish that we could've stayed together while he was going through this. Although I can't come close to understanding what this feels like for him, I still feel rejected.

I had checked in with him when I was worried about him (before I found out about the trauma) and he reassured me that he loved me. He still seemed down, but would make an effort to get coffee with me and go for walks. I'm wondering if it was too difficult for him to tell me what was on his mind? He seemed to either hold onto the relationship as long as he could or couldn't find a way to end it.

He became slightly irritable, a couple of times I remember overthinking things he said and did. When he broke up with me, he said that he felt like he was going to become mean. I'm in so much shock because that is not the person I've known all this time.

He told me that I'm important to him and he still wants to be friends. He was adamant about that. But I'm still rattled by the fact that he was almost mean. Is this all to do with how he's feeling regarding his trauma and he's unable to control that? I'm so confused and I'm so sorry once again that I'm making this about myself.

I have gone to my GP a few times, I'm going again tonight for a chat.

[Croix]

Dear Clover9312~

Frankly your ex's behavior reminds me of me, and I was not in a good place. The thoughts from the past, even the future, took hold and there was little room left in my mind for anything else. If someone intruded, even if to just a if I was OK then I'd get angry or resentful -mean if you like.

It was a great effort to treat someone as if all was OK.

When it first started to become pronounced my wife thought it was here fault, that she was in some way responsible, did not look after me well enough, was not sexy enough and lots of other things.

This left her stuck feeling great doubts about herself.

It took my psychiatrist to explain to her it was nothing she had done, it was the symptoms of the illness, not her.

Actually that gave her the confidence to try to look after me - along with everything else in the household, offspring and going to work.

I've no idea if your ex is 'healing'. I could not by myself which is why I ask if there is any way you can get him to go for professional help. If not you then maybe his family or someone he respects. Difficult.

Of course you feel rejected, who would not? I do not wish to raise false hopes but my relationship survived.

I'm glad you are going to the GP, have you discussed your ex's behavior?

Croix

[Clover9312]

Hi Croix,

Your first paragraph resonated with me. At the start of the virus, he was preoccupied with his living situation and job. He spoke of little else and I was more than happy to provide a listening ear. Worries of past, present and future haunted him.

Sorry to ask. I was wondering if your behaviour was noticeable around other people, or was it more pronounced around your family? My ex was still friendly to me and others, there were only a couple of occasions when we were alone that I sensed a frustration. During the break up, he told me how close he was to having panic attacks and he sounded depressed. I was shocked, he puts on a brave face everyday.

The breakup centred around his trauma. He didn't like the person he was. Without self-love, he wasn't able to be in a relationship. Added on with the fact that he can't be physical with anyone and can't seem to associate sex with love at the moment, it sounds like he may have an undiagnosed case of PTSD (I've been doing a lot of reading and A LOT adds up). He said that he'd be able to offer me emotional intimacy, but he's having a lot of problems on the physical side.

I'm still rattled that he was about to be mean to me. Although irritability and anger are symptoms of PTSD, part of me is really scared that he genuinely felt the need to do that to me. Like I said, that behaviour is far away from the person I've known for years though. I know and trust him so much and I believe him when he was saying he loved me during our final times together. Is it possible that his symptoms were just too much for him and he had to end it? I think the fact that he shared the trauma with me when he ended it speaks volumes. He also said that it was only recently that all of these self-realisations, stemming from his trauma, came about. I'm proud he's taking steps to heal but I'm also gutted that our strong romantic bond was shattered.

My GP said I'm lucky he ended it and he was self-aware enough to admit that things weren't going to be pretty. On the other hand, I would also say that my GP hasn't been much help - I feel that my feelings in this situation have been dismissed. I keep having nightmares and I'm so shattered to hear of his trauma.

I will see my ex in a few weeks. I'm unsure how to approach though. I don't know if it'll be ok to ask him how he is going. I'm already afraid to, given that I felt I was walking on eggshells towards the end of the relationship (I only knew why after he disclosed his trauma though).

[Croix]

Dear Clover9312~

I suspect you spent al awful lot of time describing your ex to your GP, and only scant time on your own stresses. So I'd suggest what I have done, write down the thngs that are wrong for you at the moment, nightmares and all, and hand over the paper at the start of the next consultation. Work though the list.

What you say to your ex will be as much instinct as anything. I'd suggest trying not to see his behavior as anything unkind to you, people in his situation may break up out of kindness and concern, thinking you deserve better. Being afraid of what they may become, not feeling worthy.

Apart from that I guess there are two things if they are what you want.

Firstly to let him know you are going to be there for him anyway.

Secondly he needs treatment and he has to take the first step (though that does not mean someone can't accompany him to the doctor's door).

I'd not suggest persuasion by a great long logical list of the things that are wrong, it will bounce off. Emotion, his care for you, his fear of how he is going, things like that.

In my condition my partner noticed first, and work later on until I was invalidity retired. Then again apples and pears. We have different causes.

I hope to hear how you go

Croix