Coping during relapse of mental health issues

[Lady_of_Shallot]

Hi everyone, this is my first attempt at joining a forum. Really I need somewhere to share
.. I cannot function. My head is a fog. I have been through too much. Years of psychological trauma and physical pain. A struggle to find work and to become capable of doing it. The effort to function in any way that could be considered normal leaves me exhausted. I’ve tried my best to be a good mum through all of it. I know at times I have failed. The guilt of this is overpowering. In two years I’ve had to go back to my parents as I could not afford to keep a roof over my own head to trying once again to rent and take care of myself and my daughter. No matter what I do I irritate and upset her. I ask her if she’s ok... try and have conversations and I’m told not now or I’m sleeping or I’m just not interested in talking about that. I clean, pay the bills, shop, do the washing, help with her dog. I share my day or my concerns to try to build a relationship and I’m accused of overloading on her. Twice now she has lost it at me to the point I have snapped emotionally. I’m currently living at my other daughters as I’m no longer welcome in my own home. There is no concern from her towards the impact this has had. Only recriminations and blocking all contact. A process I am sure is to punish me. I cannot cope with her vitriol and anger. In that I am sure I’m completely normal however I am not normal. I have bipolar disorder. I have PTSD. I have survived years of gas lighting and lack of emotional validation that has left me questioning just who I really am. And now I feel trapped into an environment where this time the abuse comes from my own child. Am I really such a bad person that this is deserved. I honestly don’t even know what I did in the weeks leading up to this incident that made her feel so angry towards me. And yet I’m desperately trying to stop myself from reaching out and trying to resolve things. To do what I used to do and take responsibility on me and apologise... even when I know the problem is not me it’s her. I’m homeless again. Not because I don’t have a roof over my head. I’m fortunate to have my daughter and my parents who’ll take me in. But it’s not my home. It’s not the family home I spent 20 years of my life to build. There is no security or sense of achievement. If I had grandkids I’d have nowhere to invite them too. No family home. And no hope of making one. Life just feels so hopeless. I know I need help. But I can’t afford to lose my job.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lady of Shallot, welcome to the Beyond Blue Forums, we’re so glad you’ve decided to join us. Please know we’re here to listen and to help you through this difficult period. It sounds like you’ve been through quite a lot in your past and we’re so sorry to hear you’re struggling now. We can imagine it would be very painful to have your daughter act this way and how unsupported and trapped you must feel. We know it might not seem like it at the moment but things can get better, especially with the right support.   We would strongly recommend speaking with our friends at Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They are a leading provider of relationship support services for individuals, families and communities. If you’d like to find out more information check out their website here: http://www.relationships.org.au/   If you feel up to it, we’d also encourage you to reach out to our Support Service. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area. Keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Lady of Shallot~

It's a few days since you posted and Sophie_M replied and offered some suggestions. Now I thought I'd come over to see how you are.

Reading between the lines it would appear that you have been in a toxic abusive relationship and that it has lasted for a fair while, long enough for you to lose confidence in yourself, doubt the right of what you do, and feel obliged to apologize and try to make peace no matter who is at fault.

Forgive me if I've misunderstood.

Now it would appear you are allowing one of your daughters to trigger the exact same learned responses all over again. Teenagers are smart, and she will be well aware of how she is pushing your buttons. You may not know why she wishes to do so, but you should be aware of what she is doing.

While I'm very glad you have parents and another daughter to shelter with I wonder if you think it wise to allow one person to remove you so so far from your normal life. It is not you at fault, it is your daughter's. She may have reasons - however they will be ones that don't involve you - if she won't tell you then you simply have to accept that.

That does not mean you accept her behavior. As a mother setting an example is important, and giving the impression someone can rule by being unpleasant is not good -and will make you feel worse and even less worthy. All you can be sure of is you are a loving and conscientious mother doing your very best under difficult circumstances -nobody can do more.

It is very hard to stop retreating and have boundaries you do not allow others to cross. I realise you have PTSD and bipolar, which makes things worse.

May I ask if you have medical treatment for these?

What sort of help do you think might assist you to recover your house despite your daughter's behavior and live there, go to work, and try to look after yourself as a person entitled to respect, affection and help around the house?

It is possible, there is hope (as I eventually found) , and you are not alone.

Croix