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PTSD and trauma

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 273

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Close I think my daughter has become so institutionalised it’s becoming too difficult to fit back into her home life.
  • replies: 4

She has been in a mental health care facility for pretty much 2 years and has been for home stays but usually only lasts a couple of weeks. She has 4 children and her interest seems to be waning - it seems to be too much for her. She also has become ... View more

She has been in a mental health care facility for pretty much 2 years and has been for home stays but usually only lasts a couple of weeks. She has 4 children and her interest seems to be waning - it seems to be too much for her. She also has become totally self absorbed and demanding. Any suggestions?

Chelle72 PTSD from an anaesthesia awareness trauma
  • replies: 14

I was diagnosed with PTSD recently due to a traumatic event when I was 2.5 years old and its been the most horrendous and strangely empowering journey. Memories that we block usually come back, however hard we try to keep that door locked tight. I re... View more

I was diagnosed with PTSD recently due to a traumatic event when I was 2.5 years old and its been the most horrendous and strangely empowering journey. Memories that we block usually come back, however hard we try to keep that door locked tight. I realised that my body was always trying to remind me of what happened but I always stopped it until last year when, during an incredibly stressful period at work, those memories refused to stay in that black hole any longer. My trauma was what they call "anaesthesia awareness" and happened during a tonsillectomy. It has been a lonely journey because there is very little information and support for people like me. I do know that a lot of sufferers commit suicide and I can understand why. Sometimes it felt like I was tiptoeing through a minefield, defusing bombs (memories) and wondering if the next one was the one that would blow up in my face, the one I didn't survive. For the first time I was afraid to go to sleep because I naively believed that I could control my memories/thoughts while I was awake. Yes I thought of suicide, because trying to escape internal pain can sometimes make you feel like that is the only option. It isn't but it can seem like a blessed relief until you realise the pain it will cause your loved ones. It gives you the strength to get through one more day, and then the next... I'm lucky I guess in that the panic attacks come in the middle of the night and so don't affect my work. This trauma affected me in so many ways, a personality was created out of unbelievable terror and I wonder if the innocent little girl is still in there, the one who doesn't know fear and can feel joy and freedom with that fear constantly lingering in the background. My way of coping was to try to control everything around me, I felt it gave me a false sense of safety and when I got older, alcohol - it made the fear go away - temporarily at least. The trauma stopped me having a family as I couldn't be around young children, they terrified me and if they were upset or screaming it was even worse. Maybe its because it forced me to remember a little girls' internal screams that no one could hear.. My journey isn't over but I am getting closer to the end with the help of a wonderful psychologist and an amazingly supportive husband. I just wanted to say if anyone else is suffering from a trauma and internal pain that is threatening to overwhelm you - please don't despair - there is help and there is hope!

Jasmin15 CPTSD & Bipolar, but still trying to smile.
  • replies: 2

Wow, would you look at that. I’ve reached out for human contact... Hi guys, I’m a 29 year old mother of three. And clearly I use humour or sarcasm to mask my true emotions... sigh.. Anyways I thought I’d post my first time and introduce myself to oth... View more

Wow, would you look at that. I’ve reached out for human contact... Hi guys, I’m a 29 year old mother of three. And clearly I use humour or sarcasm to mask my true emotions... sigh.. Anyways I thought I’d post my first time and introduce myself to others who also have similar MHCs. I have been on a long journey with my mental health and it began when I was a child. Being sexually abused for 10 years til the strength to make my way in the world. However due to trauma, a lack of education and a rebellious streak I didn’t seek the help I needed til much later in life. When I found myself homeless, pregnant and alone. I endured many years a single mother, made some poor decisions had the worst luck when it come to my decision regarding my partners. I ended up suffering a great deal of violence, both physical and sexually in natural, in my early twenties. I managed to free myself after years of torment at the hands of the biological father of my youngest child. I’ve been in a safe, new home now for 2 years now. Just started to see my doctors and have my medicines fixed up. I still have really shit days. But today was a good day. I seen my psychiatrist and spoke about making a new plan to manage my bipolar. I feel sad sometimes, and wonder does the trauma ever go away? Does anyone else have similar issues? Hoping to find some hope, maybe some new cyber friends or possibly even inspiration. Much love to those who are suffering and their families.

Guest_9043 Experiencing immense grief, sadness, loss, loss of hope and angry over family.
  • replies: 27

Hi, I am an adult survivor of Childhood abuse and Trauma. I was abused by both parents growing up well into my adult years. I am now 40 years old. I let go of him (male family member opposite to a mother) I cannot even say the name. I let him go just... View more

Hi, I am an adult survivor of Childhood abuse and Trauma. I was abused by both parents growing up well into my adult years. I am now 40 years old. I let go of him (male family member opposite to a mother) I cannot even say the name. I let him go just after I turned 30 years old. I finally realised it was not my fault that my father did not love me. 18 years of my life completely wasted. It took me roughly ten years to deal with the grief, loss and abuse. It was so so so hard. I did not go to counselling. In hindsight maybe I should have but cannot be undone what is now done. I still have some things to work through in regards to him but nowhere near as much as my two remaining family members, her ( again opposite to a father) and my sister. I have made a choice that when he passes away (not that I will find out probably) that I will not be going to his funeral. He did not want me being alive, so really he does not deserve my farewell or respect. I already said goodbye to him. I know there is no chance left nor hope of ever having a relationship. So I have said my goodbyes in my own way. Sometimes it still hurts, like when I am going to do something that any daughter would love to have him with them and I feel sad for a moment. I guess no matter how much work I do there will always be a small part of me that feels a pang of sadness sometimes. I don't acknowledge Fathers day and I don't acknowledge his Birthday. I just get on with things. 5 months ago I left a same sex Domestic Violence relationship.Nobody knew I was in a Domestic Violence Relationship. I still have that to heal and recover from. When my remaining family members found out, I was not even going to tell them, My sister never did a single thing, not one single thing to help me or support me. My mother came to court with me once and I will not say what she did that day, I will just say that after many many many years of severe abuse and trauma from both of them, something inside of me said NO MORE. It was a real strong NO MORE and I meant it which changed my whole world. So to cut a very long story short, I am currently in a place now where the hope has died. I held hope for a long time. Hope for the family I needed and wanted. I have come to realise neither of them actually want to change and that is why my hope has gone. They don't want therapy and it is all about them. I am in therapy. I don't have any friends so I have no emotional support or people to talk to. It's VERY painful.

DharawalBoy Feeling trauma, grief, shame and a never ending headache.
  • replies: 5

I am sorry it is going to be a bit long but I would like to share what I am going through. I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years with my best friend from school whom I knew for 8 years. Things got a bit bad 2 years ago when I found anothe... View more

I am sorry it is going to be a bit long but I would like to share what I am going through. I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years with my best friend from school whom I knew for 8 years. Things got a bit bad 2 years ago when I found another charming girl here in Sydney but quickly I realised that I am doing something wrong, broke up with the girl and admitted it to her, obviously she heartbroken broke up and left me, I . The depression, guilt and shame completely crushed as I bunked uni classes and went behind a semester and thousands of dollars in Uni debt. I BEGGED for her forgiveness. A few months later she came back saying she has forgiven and wanted to spend her life with me. All things went fine for the next year albeit a few difficult days but things were going alright. She broke up soon before our wedding and then kept me on hold saying it is still a break. A few days ago she called me up and said she has found someone, which killed me. I made one last effort to sway her mind but it was to no avail and was instead abused for my mistakes. Meanwhile all this while, I was so concentrated on the relationship that I have fell so far behind in life, went into credit card debt of 10k and a mediocre career. I have had this headache for the last 2 years which won't fade away, and an intense feeling of guilt and shame (no one likes a disloyal person) which has developed in Insomnia and affects my day to day life. I have this array of unresolved emotions where I don't know what to do, also I did not look for any friend all these years and feel a lack of a support system. I don't know what I want from this post and it doesn't show the whole story either as it is too complex with my financial instability and responsibility towards family coming from a migrant background. I feel totally lost and helpless in life and have felt that for quite some time. I am scared to share my emotions with my friends again and again, and I feel so alone and I don't know if I should feel this weak. I don't know how to get rid of this shame and pain!

Jezza251 Compulsive Liar
  • replies: 27

Hi Wasn't sure where to start, I'm 45 and need help with my compulsive lying. I used to always lie when I was younger and it never stopped, there were times when the truth was being shown in front of me and I would still lie. I have a wife and two ki... View more

Hi Wasn't sure where to start, I'm 45 and need help with my compulsive lying. I used to always lie when I was younger and it never stopped, there were times when the truth was being shown in front of me and I would still lie. I have a wife and two kids and I don't want to accept this is who I am anymore. I'm not sure where to start so I am jumping on in the hope someone might be able to inform me of how I can stop this self destructive behaviour. I was abused as a child and part of me knows that might have been the start of this but I want to stop this defining who I am. I have a great life and it always feels like I get to a point where everything is awesome and then I go ahead and ruin it. please help as I don't want to lose my family as it's the only thing I've ever really had

Guest_9043 Heart shattered to bits.
  • replies: 7

I wrote a "letter email" to my mother this morning. It was painful and I cried. I wrote to get to advise her that I had decided to cut contact for the time being. It is the second parent I have had to cut contact with. I did my father ten years ago. ... View more

I wrote a "letter email" to my mother this morning. It was painful and I cried. I wrote to get to advise her that I had decided to cut contact for the time being. It is the second parent I have had to cut contact with. I did my father ten years ago. I didn't even tell him I just cut contact and have not looked back since. I didn't have any support and did not look for support. This however I know I need to instead of trying to do it alone. In my letter to my mother I named the abuse and some of the incidents of abuse she inflicted on me. The abuse went on for 33 or 34 years. One of those numbers. That is a very long time. I told her how the abuse made me feel and I told her how much damage it had done to me and my life. I told her that I have wounds and scars for life. I told her about the things I have never been able to do, still cannot do and may never be able to do because of the abuse. It is not possible for me to heal fully nor make a full recovery. I do wonder if anyone will love me even with my past. I know I will never find myself in another abusive relationship again, I just wonder if someone healthy, loving, kind and good will be able to love me or just see me as "damaged goods". I told my mother that the abuse was not my fault and that there are no reasons or excuses that justify the abuse inflicted on me over the years. I told her about the flashbacks I live with. I told her that she was never there to support me when I needed her the most. I told her that all I had ever done was love her. I would like to talk about the abuse but due to the rules here I cannot. I do not want to speak to someone from beyond blue via phone or via the online support chat. It is a trigger for me so I do not wish to. So here in the forums and 1800 respect is all I have for now. I told her a lot more that I cannot cover here. I also said that I could not promise when and if I would ever be in contact again and I would not put that pressure on myself. I told her that I would not be responding to any emails. I had to work through so much fear before sending it. "What if my mum did something stupid"?. "Is she strong enough to cope with this"?, as she is getting older now. "How will she cope"?. I had to feel guilt and like a bad person for hurting my mum with this email. All of it my conditioning growing up. I knew that, it was just hard to see past it to send it. I really need some upliftment, some kindness and to know people care. I have just got me. Thanks.

Sadonsmith From back pain to brain pain
  • replies: 7

Hi there, I'm new and this is so out of my comfort zone but here goes. I'm in my early 50's & live by myself in Vic with my 2 rescue dogs. I stopped working mid last year because my back pain had become so severe that I could no longer walk more than... View more

Hi there, I'm new and this is so out of my comfort zone but here goes. I'm in my early 50's & live by myself in Vic with my 2 rescue dogs. I stopped working mid last year because my back pain had become so severe that I could no longer walk more than about 5 minutes so I had back surgery in January then another surgery 3 days later after my right leg went numb and they discovered a blood clot. From hospital I went into rehab for 2 weeks with lots of hydro and physio before coming home in a back brace, my best friend come from interstate to look after me. I then commenced rehab as an out patient desperate to get feeling back but have given up on that about 2 months ago as there was no improvement, although I am persistent and continue the same exercises at home. My expectation was that I would be right to get back to work by March at the latest and here we are in December. My right leg, foot and both inner legs are still numb,I have rolled both ankles and sprained my right knee - walking is painful and scary, I have fallen in excess of 10 times, usually a rolled ankle and a few bruises. Feeling completely useless and overwhelmed my physio & rehab suggested that I see a psychologist and i have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and started medication in June. Seeing the psychologist has brought up alot of emotions that I had carefully hidden away, particularly a serious sexual assault and a lot of physical abuse and now I am afraid of leaving the house and cannot see any future for myself. My back pain is exhausting, the pain killers cause me gastro issues and it is all becoming too much. I have been questioning why I would continue living like this since May and as the days pass nothing improves and there is no joy or happiness. I thought that the medication would take this away but I have already had it changed, increased - doubled, and the feelings are the same. I've now found myself in a terrible financial state after not working for so long and am terrified that I will lose my home if I cannot get better and get a job. I'm receiving income protection but that doesn't even cover my living expenses so I had to drop my private health insurance along with many other things. Does anyone have a crystal ball because for me, it's all getting too damn hard!

Bnk23 Sexual harassment
  • replies: 6

Hi, this is my first post... I don’t really know how to say how I feel in the simplest way but this year has definitely been hard. It started with ongoing sexual harassment from a number of bosses at my work, For months I brushed the inappropriate co... View more

Hi, this is my first post... I don’t really know how to say how I feel in the simplest way but this year has definitely been hard. It started with ongoing sexual harassment from a number of bosses at my work, For months I brushed the inappropriate comments etc aside as I was there to do my job. But one day one of my bosses cornered me upstairs and I didn’t know what to do. Currently I’m in a sexual harassment case with these bosses and although I feel I’m doing the right thing and making sure other girls don’t go through what I’ve been through. I seem to feel like I’m not fully in reality anymore, I go to uni, work and go to the lawyers every once in a while to sort out the case but I feel like I’m in auto pilot mode and not feeling 100% myself and everything is a blur. I used to see a psychologist when I first started the sexual harassment case and I was diagnosed with situational depression and anxiety. My psychologist however, didn’t support me with how I wanted to go ahead with the case and pretty much gave me handouts on how to breathe during an anxiety attack and I didn’t feel like her approach to it was helpful at all and I felt like I wasn’t heard. I know I should go and find someone to talk to again but it’s having to re-tell my story that puts me off. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and I don’t like feeling like I’m weak however, im noticing that I’m tired all the time even though I have an okay sleep, im restless and it’s hard for me to stay focused, when I’m driving I’m constantly looking out and worrying that my old boss is driving his car and he will see me etc. I know most of what I’m saying is all over the place sorry to whoever is reading this ! But I guess I’m feeling alittle lost on what to do, I feel like I know in my heart I’m doing the right thing, but I also feel that what I’m feeling is minor compared to others so I feel like I don’t need to do anything about it and I can handle it on my own. I hope the case doesn’t take too long, I hate feeling like I’m alone in all of this, I have amazing support from my family and boyfriend , but I feel it’s me against 3 grown men, one of which is old enough to be my grandfather... it makes me sick to feel I’ll have to see them again and I know I’ll have to deal with that when the time comes, but it’s also hard to feel confused and if the way I’m feeling is normal or if I’m just overthinking things. Thank you for your time reading this even though it probably didn’t make much sense, thank you x

Justaperson Chronic instability/ moving house growing up and the repercussions now
  • replies: 10

Hi I'm a 22 year old guy and this is my first post on these forums. I wasn't sure which section to write this in but I think at least what set off my mental health problems is rooted in the trauma I experienced primarily in my early teen years and te... View more

Hi I'm a 22 year old guy and this is my first post on these forums. I wasn't sure which section to write this in but I think at least what set off my mental health problems is rooted in the trauma I experienced primarily in my early teen years and teen years in general. So this is where I decided to start. Let me go over my past as concisely as I can. When I was 11 I was in the last term of primary school. Coming into my final term of primary school, my mother impulsively decided to pack up our lives and everything we'd known and move interstate for a new lifestyle. We sold most of our belongings or put them in storage and within a few weeks of chaos we were driving up interstate against our will for mum's new life. Due to the word limit I'm going to greatly summarise the next year and a half of hell that was my and my siblings life. So we moved interstate with no long term house arranged to move into. We literally arrived at a short term holiday accommodation with just our suitcases to spend the next 6 weeks until my parents could "figure it out"... They didn't. I spent the last term of primary school at a school where I knew no one. We had to move again shortly after. I started high school a term late and then left a term and a half later after barely making friends. We became essentially homeless, and due to a bizarre combination of factors, we were moving all over South East QLD, from temp accommodation to temp accommodation, in dodgy units that could barely fit us. I had to share beds with my brothers or sleep on a blow up on the floor. This went on for at least 6 months. Packing up our suitcases and taking trains to another unit or apartment every week at most. During this period we moved roughly 26 times, no exaggeration. And I missed the rest of grade 7. When we finally settled for a few months, it was after another failed start at school that my panic attacks and dissociation started. I'm at the word limit and have left out a lot of detail and haven't gotten into my future issues but initial responses would be appreciated as to whether this counts and trauma. I can tell you as a 12 year old, I was stressed and scared all the time not knowing where we were going next and waiting in the cold sometimes at night at train stations for my parents to find somewhere to stay. It was really distressing and disorienting for my brothers and I.