Complex trauma chilhood still affecting me everyday HELP

Bingee_Girl · ‎10-04-2015

Hallo this is my post.I need some help [other than the professional therapy from shrink and meds I am on]. I had a horribly traumatic complex constantly abusive childhood due to my narcissistic sociopath mother and sit by and do nothing but hit me father. It has resulted in so many different mental illnesses and the recent loss of my partner as he just couldn't handle it anymore. I am back to being that i have so often being and what my childhood was full of awful sadness and constant loneliness i never had any friends as i didn't know how to be regular I am still very shy now sad and lonely so very lonely and depressed every day and night I am at my wits end I just don't what to do this current bout of 8 months of horrible depression and sadness seems like the worst one yet i don't know if it is or just feels like it I cant sleep and I am haunted by childhood memories and events and been so mentally ill due to nothing I did and am dealing with still for 37 years will I ever be normal/ able to hold down a job? have friends again? I am so nervous and jumpy just like when it started when I was all of 4 years old it is so hard having no family left so I am reaching out to you. You there please you who can relate to me help me I have nowhere else to turn I am so sick of crying. I am so sick of this crippling depression I feel I am so far from beyond blue I force my self to leave the house even to go to the dentist or food shop [only so I don't starve an for exercise] but i know none of the faces they may smile but are completely unfamiliar to me a mass of strangers I have no comfort no support i feel like this depression is going to follow me the rest of my whole damn life am I ever gonna get a reprieve I wish just once like tomorrow i could wake up without nauseous scared tummy total fear of the day i don't know what else to say if you have anything to offer me please do i would really like and appreciate that thank for reading what I have to say.

BKYTH · ‎10-04-2015

I too live with what you describe. You do so for different reasons than I do. I understand that confronting the world to simply gain from that confrontation the basic necessities of life such as food is so difficult as to be not worth the effort at times. Your post resonates with me deeply. I have never spoken about myself or my situation before on BB. You posed the question "Can you relate to me?" My answer would be "Yes". I too have no family nor friends and I know what you mean when you say that the "Faces......are completely unfamiliar to me. A mass of strangers". I have not found a way out of my own loneliness which is a constant feature of all I know and remember. If you wish for a reprieve, it will not be granted. But within you are the resources by which you can achieve that for yourself. As to you ever being normal (and I understand what you mean by that) that is also available to you. When I said I have not found a way out of loneliness that is not to say that I have resigned myself to it. I will experience loneliness but I refuse to suffer from it. There is so much in your post that I hope that wiser minds than mine might present themselves to assist you. You matter and what you have bravely expressed is why I, and probably many others, visit this site. There is more I would wish to say but I offer this , not as a solution to any of your difficulties, but as an introduction to a conversation that would not only be of benefit to yourself but to others, myself included. I hope to hear more from you. Philip.

Bingee_Girl · ‎11-04-2015

Good evening,

Hallo Philip

I like your avatar very flexible good for you. firstly I only shop for food so i don't starve or resort to bad take away or junkfood.Even though you to have no family or friends I do feel a little better knowing I am not the only one I hope this comforts you also.

People always look at you funny when you tell them or if you have to fill out a form and you have no emergency contact.

It is just so lovely and nice to have even just one person out there not only similar to me but to relate to me my words cannot express how much this means and how helpful it is. I think in my deep deep inside I am aware there may not be a reprieve [and i don't think i want to believe this it is like i cant i mean what if it never gets better] and this frightens the life from me am I to have no more joy ever?

I wonder how do you not suffer from your loneliness?

I to hope in my total despair and drowning of this depression and aloneness I and you can help others

Bingee Girl

BKYTH · ‎11-04-2015

As I said of my loneliness I experience it but choose not to suffer from it. When I am alone I know that there are others in the same situation - Loneliness is not unique to me but is part of many peoples lives. I see loneliness in the lives of others and would rather extend compassion for them than to inflate my own experience of it - But, of course I experience suffering, a suffering which you so eloquently expressed. That is not an avatar. It is just me sitting as I tend to sit. I don't seek comfort, although I appreciate your sentiment. I don't feel inclined to speak much about my own situation because there a many people in the world who are struggling, and I would prefer to acknowledge their plight, than listen to any complaints I might have about my own. How well I understand your statement about having no emergency contact but it serves no purpose to dwell on that. I seek the substance of tomorrow in whatever I am able to bring to it. Learning to suffer is a part of learning to live. I am a participant in in my life. I have a say in that which is to be my future. However weak or feeble my voice may seem, it is my voice, and , for myself, that is enough. I look forward to further posts from you. You have had a very difficult time but from that you also can find a rich and unique voice that could add hope and richness to the lives of those who struggle as you are doing now. Say more. Your voice is the voice of so many. It matters. Philip.

Magnolia-blooms · ‎15-04-2015

Hi Bingee Girl. I can understand where you are coming from. I grew up with an extremely traumatic childhood myself and identify with your feelings of loneliness and despair. For years I have been on medications, seeing psychologists and psychiatrists and haven't really felt that I was getting anywhere. Then late last year my psychologist asked me a series of questions around borderline personality disorder. My psychiatrist agrees with this diagnosis and I am now working on reading everything I can to educate myself on it. Possibly this is something you should look into and talk to a professional with.

Bingee_Girl · ‎18-04-2015

Hi thanks 4 trying 2 understand where I am coming from I do not have BPD i am not sure why u came 2 this idea.

Bingee_Girl · ‎07-05-2015

hello out there just bingee girl here i as just wondering if anyone out there can maybe help me i will take any advice onboard and would just love some help please thanks for reading my entry

BKYTH · ‎09-05-2015

When you say "many different mental illness's" what does that mean? Do you have a diagnosis? If so then thats where you begin...You've ruled out BPD( a diagnosis I too once was given but it was wrong).......Psychiatric "illness's" and 'disorders' are quite different things although the two are often used incorrectly. Some clarity on this issue would be useful for those who would wish to offer you some advice. I'm sorry I haven't posted anything for a while but I've been in hospital. I hope to hear more from you. Philip.

Bingee_Girl · ‎12-05-2015

Hallo Philip, and Hello to all others,

I am sorry 2 hear u have been in hospital I really hope u r all better. I am not a huge fan of hospitals. I hope you had nice doctors and nurses. I am very fortunate That I like my G.P. {as I type this I cant help wishing he was my shrink}

Yes I do have a diagnosis. If I had known that would help people [especially if they were trying to help me] I woud have said. When I say many different mental illnesses it occurs to me I have been right around the block with them many[ to many] times. I had 2 nervous breakdowns b4 I was 22 yrs. old. [one was in my senior years of high school]. I have serious depression which goes between major and minor. I have had panic attacks, aniexty and aniexty attacks very nervous disorder/s also I have had P.T.S.D. twice which I can be suspectible of because of what I have endured. This feels like a huge laundry list. While I am going into details and specifics of my crappy childhood which was plagued with mental abuse,various physical abuses um neglect and emotional abuse. Because of this trauma I suffered I have no famiy immediate or otherwise 2 speak of. They all thought I was overeacting to the woman who birthed me behaviour so they all took her side. I was also recently diagnosed as a depressed child from before kindergarten age this sadly came as no great shock but was still extremely difficult and hard to hear I cried for a good month over that, It makes it hard not to fell like u have any hope or even a small chance when u r told something like that espacially when u c it there in Black and white type font. from a paid medical professional I dont know what else 2 say now i really dont like memory lane. I thnk the reason I am so very devestated over my recent boyfriend breakup is it was the only joy I have ever had and now it is gone

Anyways 2 anyone reading this "hi" and thanks if u can offer even one word of help I will Take it.

Bye Bingee girl

Neil_1 · ‎13-05-2015

Hi there Bingee girl

I’m not sure if what I’m about to say will be helpful, but I am writing to you with that particular purpose, so I hope that you find some “good” from it.

With all that’s happened to you and for so long, I agree with you that your recent breakup with your boyfriend will have been like the tipping mechanism – you know, that old ‘last straw that broke the camel’s back” saying. You’ve been under an enormous amount of stressors and that weight has been bearing down on you, and now to have this relationship end, it’s no wonder that you’re reaching out for any kind of assistance.

I do hope that by coming on here, it’s given you some positives – firstly in hearing from others who are able to understand and share their issues – like-minded people on here and it’s always comforting to know that there are other people out there in similar positions. And as much as we wouldn’t want to have them in these kinds of situations (just like ourselves as well), that is another beautiful thing about this website, that people who are struggling with whatever issue(s) that they have are able to unload on here.

You mentioned earlier about wondering whether you may ever get a job – have you worked in the past? If so, how did that go?

I also enjoyed reading where you said when you go shopping, you’re only after good food and are steering clear of the take-away stuff – which is a super way to go about things – which is looking after yourself, with the ‘fuel’ that you’re putting into your body. Drinking adequate amounts of water each day is also another thing that a lot of people may not realise is something that we ALL should do, but especially those of us who suffer from any kind of mental illness.

Anyway, I’ll send this off now and hope to hear back from you.

Neil

ps: one cute looking pic profile puppy to another. 🙂