Complex trauma chilhood still affecting me everyday HELP

Bingee_Girl · ‎10-04-2015

Hallo this is my post.I need some help [other than the professional therapy from shrink and meds I am on]. I had a horribly traumatic complex constantly abusive childhood due to my narcissistic sociopath mother and sit by and do nothing but hit me father. It has resulted in so many different mental illnesses and the recent loss of my partner as he just couldn't handle it anymore. I am back to being that i have so often being and what my childhood was full of awful sadness and constant loneliness i never had any friends as i didn't know how to be regular I am still very shy now sad and lonely so very lonely and depressed every day and night I am at my wits end I just don't what to do this current bout of 8 months of horrible depression and sadness seems like the worst one yet i don't know if it is or just feels like it I cant sleep and I am haunted by childhood memories and events and been so mentally ill due to nothing I did and am dealing with still for 37 years will I ever be normal/ able to hold down a job? have friends again? I am so nervous and jumpy just like when it started when I was all of 4 years old it is so hard having no family left so I am reaching out to you. You there please you who can relate to me help me I have nowhere else to turn I am so sick of crying. I am so sick of this crippling depression I feel I am so far from beyond blue I force my self to leave the house even to go to the dentist or food shop [only so I don't starve an for exercise] but i know none of the faces they may smile but are completely unfamiliar to me a mass of strangers I have no comfort no support i feel like this depression is going to follow me the rest of my whole damn life am I ever gonna get a reprieve I wish just once like tomorrow i could wake up without nauseous scared tummy total fear of the day i don't know what else to say if you have anything to offer me please do i would really like and appreciate that thank for reading what I have to say.

ilovetoread73_ · ‎15-05-2015

Hi Bingee Girl,

I saw your post and I know how you feel, yes really feel inside. I am 41 and have had a traumatic childhood, rather similar to yours. I am estranged from my immediate family and others who my father alienated with his drinking. My mother also is a piece of work too, sounds like yours and mine have the handbook on it.

I don't have BPD. However like you my brain and body through anxiety has been affected. One of the sleep disorders I suffer is a REM disturbance which is rather nasty at times which makes me not want to sleep (yes it's now 12.50am in the morning). I have good docs / sleep specialist who take care of me as best they can but the childhoods we have led and had to feel ashamed for (if you don't mind me guessing your reaction) has left me with problems I would like to be unshackled from. I was diagnosed after 3-4 years last week with PTSD and OCD. I now am taking the huge step of commencing treatment again with another psychologist who specialises in PTSD. I recently changed my anxiety meds as the other ones weren't giving me enough support with family issues. My in-laws cannot understand why I am estranged from my parents / brother (brother used to be violent with me) now he holds a big corporate job. My in-laws are rather normal and I can understand why they don't understand but it is awful for me as I feel like the trauma starts all over again when people don't understand or even believe you how hard / bad it was. Me I deal with the problems, like you I"m guessing they left me with. Sometimes like you I cannot go out for a few days except when I have to get milk or such items as chocolate. Something good to loving chocolate eh! Don't give up. Your brain has had a normal reaction to very stressful situations. For me it is like saving up the anxiety from years ago to let out now. It's hard and it frustrating. Try and find positive things such as music to relax you and a hobby. I started sewing after I left my corporate job 1 1/2 years ago. I hated it at school but that was school - awful. Now I find calmness and joy in these things.

Bingee_Girl · ‎21-06-2015

Hello out therr

Hello BKYTH, Neil 1 snd i love to read

ia typing on my fone si please excuse more than usual spelling mistakrs etc. I just watched that movie "Bully" the filmmakers really did an excellent job.It madr me rsther sad snd in the end most of ythese poor kids eother moved away or tragically took their own lives
. I can relate to the feeling of want ing to give up and of I've had enough I probably should not of watched thoughi just made me feel sad and wretched and useless that I never stood up 2 my own sociopath of an excuse of a "mother ". However I believe I was brainwashed into believing if I did things would b a million times worse so i just ley it go on days weeks and really 2 decade'sof ythis shit I wish my "parents" coulf be bought to full and severe justice but the statute of limitations on that bastards
eoulf probably deny it.
Ah what's the point anyway

I dont know these num ers r

Talk soon anyone who thinks they can even offer me 1 syllable of hope or Ihelp PLEASE do

Avery good night dsy arvo 2 all

Bingee girl

BKYTH · ‎23-06-2015

I think the real tragedy of past traumas is when those who experience them carry them with them throughout their lives - Even to the grave in some cases. If we carry past abuses with us throughout our lives and choose not to let them go (something that requires effort) then, in a sense, we are actually abusing ourselves - Can any of us afford to perpetually allow our pasts to determine our present and our futures? If I am suffering now because of the carnage of the past then who is responsible? If I want to blame others for my present situation then I have my share of those to apportion blame to, just as many of us have, and can do so with all sorts of righteous indignation - But where can that ever lead? That is not a place I want to be in, to live in, or to die in. The future can be free of those things that hurt and crippled us in the past, and if it is not, then why is that the case? Who has summoned those experiences from the past to wage war upon in this present moment? Don't allow "once upon a time" to become "forever more" You are worthy of more than that, all of us are. Philip.