Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Just checking in to ask how you're going?

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Sorry I haven't been in touch. My grandson decided to share his bugs with me and with my dodgy immune system... I've been sick as a dog! I went to the local ED, I have an ear infection, tonsillitis and inflamed lymph nodes. I'm just exhausted, trying to deal with this, my auto immune flare up and full on PTSD triggering but yeah I don't have Covid, guess you've got to look for the silver lining. Although overwhelmingly at the minute I just want to crawl under a rock at the minute. I can't concentrate, to actively participate on the forum. So am going to take a break for a couple of days.

I am pleased the march went well. Good on your kids for doing all the organising they did. Re: your friend in the US, so glad he was moved by the number of white people who participated in the marches over there. With everything in me, I hope that everyone that is able goes out and votes in their election. Hopefully they'll get rid of the clown that is running their country. I was so incensed last week when he had tear gas used on his own citizens for a photo op. Unbelievable!

I want go on too long. I'll put a short post on your thread explaining my absence for Croix's and Sleepy 21's benefit.

I hope you're travelling ok.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, oh my goodness, ughhhh. No covid is GREAT news but what a lot to deal with otherwise.
Gentle air hugs lol. I really hope you heal soon. I've been taking Liposomal Vit C occasionally.

Go crawl under those covers and I hope you stay toasty and warm.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I'm back albeit in a limited capacity. I've recovered from the tonsillitis etc due to some antibiotics. Mind I found out today the the Dr in the ED scratched my eardrum when she was checking it a week ago. I was worried at the time because she really shoved Otoscope in my ear and I felt a sharp pain. My GP confirmed today that there was an injury to the eardrum. I have huge anxiety around Drs at the best of times this has not helped.

I had my appt with the Specialist last week. She was awesome. I was in a full on PTSD flashback when I entered her rooms. In the 30 years I've been seeing her she has never seen me like that. As we started to talk she could tell I was not in a good space. She got up, walked around her desk, sat opposite me and held my hands. She then calmly took me through an exercise to help me calm down. At the end of the exercise she offered to postpone my appt but there was no way I could cope with the anxiety of having to come back again. Thankfully because of the exercise she did with me I was able to see the appt thru.

Saw my psych the next day. He very kindly offered to stay back on the Fri to see me. I held off agreeing to take that offer up until after I saw how I pulled up with the Specialist. It was clear afterwards that I needed to see him. He also was brilliant. I am so blessed to have such an amazing team of professionals around me. We did EMDR and I am so glad we did. I walked into my appt with him in the middle of a PTSD nightmare. I walked out feeling so much freer, present and open. It was DH's birthday last weekend and I am so grateful that the work I did with the psych allowed me to be present for my DH's celebration. As a result of that session, I've decided going forward all my sessions will be EMDR from now on.

I am pleased to hear that your sessions with your STP are going well. So glad that your initial concerns have been resolved and that you have found a connect with her.

I hope your daughter S continues to be safe. I also hope that you are travelling ok.

I will leave it there.

Chat soon

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

I'm so sorry that the Dr added more and triggered the PTSD. It's very sad that happened.
I'm shocked. Do you need any further treatment for your poor ear drum?

Thank goodness the tonsils cleared up. 🙂

What a wonderful Specialist! SOME health professionals are truly gifted. Your psych is great and obviously "in it" for the purest of intentions. I'm also grateful you've got a great team around you.

Life can be so difficult by itself without having to have PTSD as a major obstacle.

Happy Birthday DH! I hope those who shall not be named behaved themselves!
You managed well which is the important thing.

Thankyou for asking after S, she's struggling but IDK, she's grieving along with everything else.

My psych is basically preparing me to be able to do exposure therapy on my own eventually. Seems like a massive aim of hers. Instead of feeling major anxiety over that, which I'm feeling slightly as I write here, I need to take time as it is. I start prolonged exposure therapy in July with her in the clinic. She gave me partial E.T. for homework.

I ordered lots of books online (by myself) which was a major breakthrough for me. One was the Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristen Neff, I've found her talks online very soothing. That one's on backorder darn it. But 4 others arrived today, one on anxiety, 2 by Joe Dispenza and The Road Less Travelled.

Some more memories have come down - don't know how else to explain that.

Also some connections which S and myself realized today about my mother. S said ALL of my mother's "abuse" is full of projections. I think that connection probably wiped out the rest of my 'stuff' lol. I'm NC. She's extremely mentally ill. Anyhow as I cold as it seems, I served her for c40y then took my rights right out of her life. I did it for my children but now they're getting older 'la familia' lol expect me to get right on back there. Nup. No way.
I can't risk their MH nor mine.

I hope you're staying warm! I also hope all your sessions now bring huge relief and healing.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Lovely to hear from you. My GP thinks the ear drum will rectify itself, I hope so. It's not feeling particularly pleasant at the moment, I guess I'll just have to monitor it and get it checked if it doesn't feel right.

My Specialist was amazing. I went out yesterday and purchased a thank you gift and card. I plan to drop it off at her rooms tomorrow. I so appreciated her kindness and compassion. It made all the difference to me being able to proceed with my appt with her.

My experience in hospital 18 months ago has really wrecked havoc with my PTSD. Any sort of medical procedure now sends me into a full on PTSD trigger. I am so angry at the hospital. Definitely need to do some EMDR around what happened.

Those "who shall not be named" (feels very Harry Potter'ish Lol) were too unwell to join us to celebrate. What a shame...... We had a lovely night out just the two of us.

Feel for S. DV brings us such a complex mix of emotions. I hope she finds a place of peace. Sending her and her Mumma a cyberhug.

Exposure therapy. I think I have done some of that myself along the way. I hope it helps you in relation to your triggers. For me EMDR is working a treat. I have a list of traumas I want to deal with. We tackled the rape last week. I can see I'm going to need a couple of sessions on that but I can already feel the difference. My last session I walked into it in the middle of a full on PTSD trigger and I walked out so much lighter and freer. I can't wait for tomorrow.

I've read The Road Less Travelled. I think I may have sold that recently at a fundraiser for the local school. The Kristen Neff Workbook sounds interesting, I'll add that to my list for future reading.

Your a wise woman not getting drawn back in by your mother. There was a period in my life when I cut contact with my parents and elder sister for about 5 years. Those were the best 5 years of my life. Then my Dad had a stroke and I got sucked in. I reconnected with them. Then a few short years later, my father had a massive heart attack. Next thing I know I'm their primary Carer. I was their Carer for 13 years. My psych couldn't believe I was doing it. He said, most people who had been through the trauma they put me through, would have walked away. I should have. Follow your intuition wise lady. I know you will do everything you can to protect you and your family.

I hope you're staying warm. I'm off to cook roast lamb.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Mara YUM! Roast lamb love that. I did one & a roast pork for our Sunday Roast.
I gotta tell you what I did with the leftovers, it's so freaking delicious. Only if you want to know lol.

YES it is Harry Potter-ish on purpose! I KNEW you'd get it. Oh diddums.... shame they couldn't make it ;-))

In efforts not to make you more like me lol.. I won't avoid calling things as they are.... this is our exposure therapy - together. EMDR is cleansing this crap really well! Do you know what I noticed when you wrote about the rape..... no mention of physical reactions.

IF this IS the case then it's wiping out the reactions?
I HOPE SO! That'd be awesome.

My aim was to still have the memories but not the emotional, psychological or PTSD that comes with them. Tbh I have worked through SO many because at times the entire world triggered me, even Coles! But my STP pushes HARD.
I'm triggering so much less so a culmination of all sorts is working so far.

Still as you do, I see my recovery support needs to come from so many sectors. I see it as a huge jigsaw puzzle.
STP one piece, recovery of my children another, hypnotherapy - a 6 session PTSD program about 1.5 hours away, chiropractor, the Journalling / Workbook stuff, meditation - I'm going to order the Dr Joe Dispenza CD but Smiling Minds atm, definitely EMDR. Not ALL at once! I'm just feeling so much more 'integrated' & no one has noticed me dissociating! omg, so happy about that.

I found out this week that Dr Joe D lives 25 miles from "our apartment" in Washington in the U.S.!!! WHAT????
I AM SO wanting to book in and risk covid to see him, later lol. My bf was NOT interested in seeing him himself, but lovely about it, until I read him about 5 paragraphs of one book today....

I'm seeing things so much more clearly now. Gosh what a relief that is.

S: After spending all day Monday making her calls, feeding her & omg I wondered what could ever help. I spoke of the Wisdom and Strength of our Foremothers to bring us to this point. Then she had a powerful dream that night & acted upon it all since omg. She's changing her studies & feels great about that. She had been searching for years for her local connection to Country and hadn't been able to find a special watering hole, a healing place for her indigenous ancestors..... TODAY she found it just by taking the dog for a walk and Facetimed me to show me! She saw the Dr yesterday, all good. exthing has agreed to all her legal requests, yeah we've been busy!

LOVE EM

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Mara & everyone else in this thread.

I only received the diagnosis of PTSD a few weeks back but yesterday the psychiatrist told me he thought it was complex trauma.

I’m little confused about it all, but can understand as I experienced abuse when I was a child & 30 years later I still feel quite terrified in certain situations. It’s not like a flashback in that I think I am reliving the events, but I experience the panic & the racing heart & all the “physical” symptoms.

Both my psychologist & psychiatrist recommend an in-patient stay in hospital, but this also terrifies me because my abuse was suffered at the hands of a medical professional AND I have a serious medical condition so I worry the management of my condition will be taken from me and/or managed poorly by the nurses there.

I am trying really hard to get through this, but it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I only opened up to my sister about 2 months ago about the abuse, a secret I’ve kept hidden from the world for over 30 years. I asked her today if she will come to the psychologist appointment next week with me. She said yes, I just hope when she realises how serious my situation was (& still is) she won’t get too upset.

Anyway, I’m just hoping to to find out how people have worked through or are working through complex trauma & that it is possible to make it through to the other side

[ecomama]

Dearest TheBigBlue, I'm so sorry for everything horrible you've been through. You're not alone anymore. We've got you and you can ALWAYS post on BB and have friends who understand.

Mara would welcome you to her thread, she's a very caring and very knowledgeable soul. She is very busy atm as you can read above.

I'll write to you now on my thread 'new person' in the PTSD section, instead of hogging Mara's thread.
I'm sure she'll be along within the next week or so to connect.

You've found a place where others have been through very similar and are dealing with similar supports and interventions. I'll speak more frankly to you on my thread. I wish you Peace and healing.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear BigBlue,

I am sorry it's taken me a couple of days to reply to your post. Em is correct in saying I have a lot on ATM. I don't want to focus me I saw your message & just want to say that I'm happy to support you in any way I can.

Firstly I want to acknowledge your courage in reaching out on this forum. This is a safe place & there are many people on this forum with a wealth of experience to draw from.

I am pleased that you have a diagnosis. I didn't get that. I worked it out myself thanks to some study I was doing at the time. I then asked the psychologist I was seeing if I had PTSD she confirmed it & told me in her opinion is was Complex PTSD. I had been in therapy for years at that point & seen numerous therapist & no one had told me it was PTSD. For me having the diagnosis helped explain so many things.

Severe and repeated trauma can lead to Complex PTSD. Anxiety & panic attacks are something that I know is common with PTSD which may explain the heart racing & panic you experience.

I feel for you in relation to your concern about being an in-patient. I have huge issues around hospitals & medical stuff. I've had 14 surgeries in 14 years. I can't take pain killers so surgery is a trauma in itself for me. My last hospital trip triggered the 18 months of PTSD flashbacks that I'm currently dealing with. That said there are some good and caring Drs & Nurses. Re: being admitted, I think if your psychologist & psychiatrist both agree that being admitted is something that would benefit you & if you trust them I would encourage you to take their advice. Em may be correct & they may be wanting to work out medication for you I do know meds have worked for several other PTSD people on this forum.

In relation to your sister, she may already know more than you realise. I was suicidal earlier this year eventually I told my husband I was worried about how he would react. He had already suspected that was where I was at. I am glad you have a supportive sister & that she is willing to come to the appt with you.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I am currently doing EMDR which has for most part achieved more for me than any other therapy I have tried. Prior to being triggered 18 months ago I had 10 years of relative peace due to the previous work I had done. That triggering has set me back a bit but it has lead me to EMDR which I honestly believe is the answer for me.

I hope your psych appt goes well.

Take care

Mara