Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Sounds horrible what you've been through with the PTSD stuff. Have you been able to pinpoint the trigger?

I understand there are already health, selling house / open home and the "they" factor happening....

Was there a specific added element?
Not that you need to tell here. I'm just really hoping there was "SOME THING" you can see as "THA THING".

2 more sleeps till the psych. Yay!
2 more sleeps for me too. Eye roll lol.

Pity about your BATHS! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh an extra long groan there.
Do you have a foot bath thingy?

Reading here can be triggering. I realized that within the first week. I went full on as Croix noted and I had to pull back.

I really try to over balance time in the "well being" section here and have a constant flow of comedy on TV / Netflix going on in the background.
Lately the Red Hot Chilli Peppers have been GREAT company lol - Slane Castle esp.
AND ofcourse my absolute favourite Beyoncé & Ed Sheeran playing for Stevie Wonder at his tribute concert....
OMG Beyoncé singing a Stevie Wonder medley is such a special treat. I love YouTube.

And are those YOUR flowers in your pic?
WOW..... I almost popped into a Garden Nursery today but didn't …. I'm not that good with flowers yet, just food plants.

The house is sold tomorrow for the best price, we Pray.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Well what a day! I'm exhausted. Minimal sleep, then up at 6.30am to get the house ready for the viewing. I went for a long walk while they had a look. They apparently love the place but they haven't even listed their house yet. Can you hear me groaning..... So another home open this weekend. I was so hoping that today would be the last time. Oh well, it is what it is.

Yes I can pinpoint the PTSD trigger. It started after I did the timeline. Then breaking out in a rash everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE as a result of the work I'm doing. That is what did it for me. It is probably difficult to understand, I have an auto-immune disorder, the skin thing only ever happens when I'm dealing with the SA. I have so many things go wrong as a result of Drs misdiagnosing, poor treatment etc. My experience is hospital 18 months ago was appalling. If I had gone to the media without, it would have been in ever news outlet. What's worse is that it was a Private hospital. I should have sued but my husband talked me out of it. Long story short, it has caused another layer of PTSD. So now the slightest thing happens medically and I go into panic attack. I saw a GP today for a referral to my specialist. She's not my usual GP, it was another one in the practice. She put me through the third degree. I found myself have to justify the referral and explain why this was happening, and the work I'm doing with my psych. I don't tell anyone that stuff. At the end of it, she said, you sound very switched on medically, in my head I was screaming I have to be because I can trust Drs because of all the mistakes you've made at my expense.

This time in 2 days I'll be in my session yeah! It's been the longest 2 weeks of my life.

Sadly I don't have a foot spa.

I've been watching lots of comedy too. Just finished watching Space Force, it was hilarious. And snap, been listening to lots music as well. It all helps. Mind my walk this morning was lovely. We live near a river, and the birds were all out, the air was crisp, the river was still. I'm going to miss living in this location.

The flowers in my profile pic were from the house I owned before this one. It's not the garden I talked about previously. I have to have beauty around me. That photo is a section of my front garden from just before I married DH 7 years ago.

Thank you for your prayers re: the house. Sadly I think it might be a while yet, but it's got to sell eventually.

Take care Em.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, oh dear, what a let down about the viewers not being buyers today. Yes I could hear you groan.
Darn it.

It's hard to find positives, but you got a nice (forced) walk in.

I do understand bodily reactions very well. I've read Louise L. Hay for DECADES. I have one of her books beside me now. It's all connected. It's impossible TO separate mind & body. Recent research has shown quite earth shattering stuff about it. The changes to a person's DNA from trauma. ACTUAL DNA.
So if DNA can be changed, it's pretty clear that any bodily reactions to trauma (and reliving it or even remembering it to write a time line - OMG I can't even imagine how I could do that.... I really can't)… can be … Obvious. So if our DNA was altered by trauma before birthing then our babies can inherit specific things, even feelings. One of my adult children studies and researches this. I use layman's terms sorry.

My chiro is really into this stuff too and I doubt I'd be mobile if he wasn't.

I also understand auto-immune disorders very well actually. Most, if not all, of the women in my family have them. Lupus, Krone's, pernicious anemia the list goes on. Horrible. I have no explanation how I've been spared, except for God ofcourse. I've had every test imaginable to find an a-i disease - being unwell since my last marriage began and coincidentally had vastly improved health when we got the exH out. It was actually chemicals that were poisoning me. Not a mind / body thing. I have internal injuries and possibly compromised future health because of those chemicals used.
But it is what it is as we say. High five to survival! Lol..... I say diddums to those who tried. :-))

My family have gone full on into alternative therapies mainly. Some use both the curative and preventative.

With the 'time-line' I hope you didn't have to signal EVERY event on that? Were you allowed to just block in a period over time and write "_____" and use a Key.

Lordie, now wonder it was triggering even if having to write it that way!

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

The walk was lovely. I was nearly inspired to get up early to go for my walks. Thankfully I came to my senses Lol. I’ll stick to my early afternoon walk.

I read Louise Hay years ago. I agree with a lot of what she says. Certainly the gynae issues I’ve had are typical of SA according to Louise. The thing I struggled with was her stressing the need to heal the past. As a person with C-PTSD, after reading the book I felt guilty & responsible for my health issues because despite my best efforts the PTSD kept me there. I didn’t cause the trauma and I don’t have control over how it impacts my health. If you know what I mean. That said I know trauma does affect your health & your DNA. I’ve also read studies where they have found inherited trauma in children of people with PTSD.

They can’t identify the a-i disorder I have. They know I have one. It has all the characteristics of Lupus. I have been tested so many times I have scars in my veins. I have high levels of a-i antibodies. They attack the mitochondria in the cells. It was really bad after my son died then it settled about 5 years ago. They’re back up again. Last time they were like this I got pneumonia twice, had CMV which left me with hepatitis. I was sick for a year with that one. I had multiple joint issues and skin and mouth problems also. As well as a myriad of other issues.

So sorry to hear about the internal damage & the poisoning. Thank God you got out of your marriage. I dread to think what might have happened if you hadn’t left. Definitely high 5 to survival.

I tried alternative therapies. Having an affiliated health background I fully support natural therapies. I’ve been to Naturopaths a few times the last time was 2 years. Unfortunately my body doesn’t tolerate the herbs etc. My liver went crazy last time. My Dr was very worried because my LFTs were off the scale. This is why I get so frustrated and depressed. I have tried so hard to heal myself mentally and physically but my body won’t work with me. Hopefully after some more EMDR it will improve. Pleased to hear that the natural therapies are working for you & your family.

The timeline was just an overview. I didn’t do a detailed timeline. I’d still be writing if I did a detailed one. Lol. I was fine writing it it just clarified to me why I was triggered so badly 18 months ago. The overwhelming part was just how much I went through then. No wonder my MH got put aside while I tried to sort out all the other drama in my life.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara.... how if you're fine to share, how did your psych go today?

Big hugs for the health issues. I get it, we've been through similar. The a-I manifestations with no diagnosis. Finally one was made of pernicious anemia but that's been undiagnosed since - I believe 2y after the poisoning stopped. I nearly lost S at one point.
I really hope you can get some relief from the current things happening. And that the right people are put in your path.

The pneumonia crap is not happening again. There are many plants we have categorized as weeds but help to strengthen the lungs, when made into a tea, put in stir fries. Plus plants with bitters, or bitters themselves, that support healing of nerves, spinal cord etc. Hence my mobility, amongst other things.

Yes, I stop where you stop with Louise L. Hay.

Yes, my adult children are aboriginal and know about this research. Inherited trauma because of the Stolen Generations and more.

My youngest children are organizing themselves to attend the Peaceful Protest March for BLM in a major city this weekend. They've swapped their work shifts to attend. I'm sure there'll be many tears shed by my adult children for many reasons when they find this out. They won't attend due to being parents.

I can't allow my PTSD to stunt my children's lives. It already has and I struggle with holding them back and wrapping them in cotton wool. I wish I could do this for all children - keep them safe.

But they are all powerful young people. Strong in their convictions. I support them with their decisions even if my heart is breaking. I think I need a cry.

Love you EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Sorry I didn't reply yesterday. My session was quite late in the day yesterday & TBH I just didn't want to communicate with anyone afterwards.

The session went well. No EMDR I had so much to talk about. That said I have decided at my next appt that I don't care what is going on in my life I am doing EMDR.

My psych is amazing. He knows my medical appt next week may trigger me for a lot of reasons. He finishes early on a Friday as a rule. Yesterday, he offered to stay back next Fri and see me if my appt on Thurs triggers me. I am so grateful to him.

Pernicious anemia is very serious. I'm glad it is undetectable now. I fortunately don't have that but I do suffer with anemia. My last bout saw me having to take Iron tablets for 2 years.

I'm hoping the Dr next week can give me something to quieten down the inflammation. My skin in particular is raw ATM.

I really need this house sold. I can't keep doing the home opens. I'm exhausted with it. And the constant cleaning is doing my OCD head in.

Pneumonia is horrible. I never want to have it ever again. After my second bout I asked for a referral to respiratory specialist. My GP refused he said he could handle it. His handling meant he bombarded with antibiotics and steroids. In the end I went to a random Dr and got a referral. Since I have being seeing this specialist my asthma has improved greatly. Really the only time I have a problem now is if I get a cold or my iron levels are low.

Re: Louise Hay in relation to me my biggest problem is that I have taken too much responsibility for the trauma others did to me. It has taken me years to put the guilt where it belongs. Reading Louise Hay for me whilst I agree with a lot of what she was saying it felt like it was another layer of guilt. I did not cause my SA. It makes sense that I would have Gynae problems however due to the PTSD I cannot just meditate it away. Trust me I've tried. Meditation helps but I can't stop the bodily reactions. I know you would understand Em better than most.

My heart goes out to the Stolen Generations and their descendants. So much pain. I fully support your younger children marching, change needs to happen. I believe it is the younger generation who will bring about this change.

I'm with you, I just want to keep all kids safe. I worked hard to break the cycle for my kids, as I know you have Em.

It is so hard to step back and let our kids follow their path. But step back we must, and hope they stay safe.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, please step back on here at ANY time. No excuses necessary, you know that. xxxx

Totally agree with that the 'person attracts...' stuff is bs. It just isn't true.

That said, you are like me and don't throw the baby out with the bath water lol.

I totally agree also that we can't "meditate" things away.... maybe right now I should say that I agree with your entire post lol. I do snap.

All preparations are at hand for the Peaceful Protest tomorrow. We understand that riot police are gearing up for it - nice one guys. There are CHILDREN marching, and far more technologically prepared children than will ever be found. I told my children to record everything and have their friends record everything.

My children know far too much, they are beyond their years and have seen and experienced far too much.
They know the process if they are arrested tomorrow.

You know what I think about this. I will let you know when they all arrive safely home lol, and if they don't, well all I can say is that I hope the people who get involved are well versed in the Law. Ofcourse I could be in trouble too for allowing them to attend, but I'd like to see how many adults it would take for my adult sized children to get through lol.

A-I issues / psychological wellbeing. My psych said to me yesterday that if PTSD is left too long without treatment then she's seen a-i diseases develop. I said to her "I know".
We know this Mara.

The answer we want is to how to dissolve these.

I've had some major revelations since my appt yesterday. More since posting on my thread. The dots are connecting and when it is firm enough in my mind then the dominoes all line up (in wiggly lines sometimes) and all fall down in a row.

Boy has this happened on many things in the past 36h. It's incredible. Scary too since in trying to explain it, I can HEAR and psychologically FEEL myself dissociating. If I'm aware of it happening then I have to have faith that it can be integrated also. I Pray for this.

I know you'll find answers that heal you. I just KNOW it.

After the house is sold you will have the peace you need. It's coming and we Pray very soon.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Please know that if I ever step back it's because I need to reserve my energy, once I've re-energised I will always get back to you.

I smiled when I read your comment about 'the person attracts' bs. It bought back memories of this young girl who was in my classes when I was doing my study years ago. She was a surfer all of about 18 clearly had been raised by parents who lived and breathed Louise Hay. Anyway she quoted that line to me one day I can't remember what it was in relation to now. Afterwards another student said to me "do you believe that" my response was NO I believe bad things happen to good people & saying they attract it puts the guilt on the victim rather than the perpetrator. I referenced a child that had recently been abducted & murdered. The 18 yr old also told me we 'choose our parents for the lesson we need to learn' My response to that one was 'that before birth I was far too young to have made such a profound decision' Lol. Long story short this lass clearly thought I was negative I'm not I was just emotionally a lifetime older her. Anyway not long after she had lectured me about all this she was surfing and got stung by a stingray on a very sensitive part of the female anatomy. I don't want to say where in case it's not allowed but lets just say that it's near the birth canal. I couldn't help but wonder 'why she would attract that' I know I shouldn't have smiled at the time but sometimes the Universe presents the perfect Karmic event. Lol.

Good idea getting your kids to record everything. I hope they stay safe during the march. I will send a pray up for their safety. Mind given recent events in the US and here I think the police will be more hesitant to arrest. At least I hope so.

Your psych comment about PTSD and A-I is so true. My trauma despite 36 yrs of therapy only really started to get dealt with 16 yrs ago. Then I had so much going on in my life that those current events pushed the past to the back of the line which is why I'm back here again. I just wish I could get a clear run with it.

Pleased to hear that you're having more confidence with your STP. I'm glad that dots are connecting for you. I have confidence in you I know that you will work towards integration. I am sure you will eventually get there.

We have had an offer on the house yeah! But nothing in my life is ever easy. They have only just listed their home. We have a 48 hr clause which means we still have to do home opens. Can you hear my groan?

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, yes! I want you take time and look after yourself, please don't feel pressure. I just had a mild panic attack lol when my technology wouldn't work just now, I was thinking ughhh Mara will think I don't care lol.

But I DO care and I want you to know that.

House huge groan. Great about the offer and I'm SO HAPPY they want to buy it but..... yeah. 1 step forward and all that...

Hmmmm totally agree. The WHOLE Louise L. Hay idea lol completely perpetuates victim blaming, the victim blaming themselves for others' behaviours. I don't believe in burning ALL books lol, but that part of all her books can go to hell. 🙂

Indeed I do love when a situation arises when one can throw a person's deep beliefs back at them, especially after being admonished by that person with their beliefs lol. I 'confess' these to my Counsellor saying I had an evil thought... when I KNOW a person's intentions were destructive and Karma delivers a whole lot of exact same stuff back to them, I just sit back and say thankyou Universe lol.

The Peaceful Protest March has been 'outlawed' last night in the High Court - wow older generations, you're trying to SILENCE these beautiful young people? Apparently due to covid restrictions lol - these kids were forced back to schools! But they cannot gather to march. How transparent. How dumb do they think these kids are.
After US educating them to the hilt about RIGHT and WRRRRRRRRRRONG.
National Aus Educational Curriculums TEACH this. Grrrrrr.

My faith in 'the system' is maintained - zero faith.

My faith is in the Australian PEOPLE to be cohesive on this most basic of Human Rights - a bad record so far.
Shining lights on HERE is just what we need.

But seeing the 94-97% compliance stats in understanding the severity of covid recently, I have faith in the changes.

I have STRONG faith in our younger generations. They are freaking awesome. SO MUCH CLEANER than the older generations. The stats actually showed that the OLDER generations from 20s to 30s then 60+ were the non compliant ones, so some speakers who admonished the teenagers were right out of line there.

Love EM

[ecomama]

PS: Overnight the kids organized lawful protests lol, ALL LOCALLY around the country.

My children helped organize a local one and we're about to leave for it now.

My black American friend told me last night, that he was despairing and so were his black families and friends.
But when he saw the huge numbers of WHITE people in the U.S. he cried his eyes out. A 6 and half foot huge black American man crying his eyes out to me over the phone.

If the High Court think they 'dispersed' these young people, they have severely underestimated their power for goodness and their extremely high executive functioning. (Must have been all the 'attachment parenting' and organic food we espoused lol).

😉

Love EM