Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Sorry for taking so long to reply. I've been in a dark place this last few days. We had placed an offer on a house subject to the sale of ours but it had a 48 hr clause & they got another offer so we lost it. That combined with the continuous home opens which are literally doing me in plus my son's looming anniversary & dealing with the rape just not in the best place ATM.

The EMDR has been awesome mind I can see that it is going to take a few sessions to deal with the rape. After this weeks session I can't describe how I felt. I suppose the best way to describe it is literally how I felt after the rape. I wish I could cry or scream or both. That said at least after this session I'm no longer feeling it happen over and over again so that's good. I just need to be patient not my strong suit Lol.

Those 'who shall not be named' are calling in tomorrow Yeah!! Groan! Will try and put on a happy face also not my strong suit. Lol.

I am so pleased that things are working out with your STP. The work she is giving you sounds confronting but good on you for rising to the task. Your commitment to your MH is something I really admire about you.

I'm also pleased to hear that S has found a healing place for herself. I saw on your thread that she is changing her study course, good for her. I hope she continues to heal and find her strength. She is so lucky to have such a loving supportive mother.

I'll leave it there.

Sending much love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara, I'm so sorry you've been in dark place, it's so horrible. Feeling like after the rape is shocking... I remember the week after and it was like my world was empty. I was confused. I had to face the smirking offender daily and IDK why I couldn't call the police. I felt paralysed I guess.

I'm glad the EMDR is working. It was a very violent and violating event so no wonder it will take longer. I'm pleased you haven't reported any physical reactions - that's something.

Lordy the house and houses fiasco is like an endurance race for you. I know it has to happen but I really admire your perseverance. Hugs. This time is hard. Wish I could help you!

I guess that's where we feel comforted, when someone just knows.

You probably won't read this till after tomorrow but I have a tip for being in the presence of 'those who shall not be named' - and a PSYCH gave me this advice lol! Imagine them as caricatures..... usually not hard as they are ugly people inside, this usually pours out into their outer features anyway. I used to chuckle at times and I'm sure they thought I was crazy as they were disguising insults as 'caring comments'.
People like that only care about themselves. BEST WISHES and put on your BEST sweet smile!

I will speak more of S in our other loungeroom lol. It's 3 steps forwards and then back but getting there.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I like your idea of thinking of "those that shall not be named" as caricatures. I use to that years ago with difficult people. I will try and do it today. That said, I'm so depressed ATM. I wish I could take anti-depressants. Just feel so low.

The house thing is soul destroying. I'm so far over it, it's not funny. I just need that chapter to end. I think I will feel heaps better once that is done with. We've been out looking at houses again today. So far nothing appeals to me. I had my heart set on the house we had to let go. We're trying to stick within a certain price bracket, which is limiting, but we need to free up some funds.

Re: the rape, it's all so complicated because of all the previous SA I experienced. It just feels like it's never going to end. Really in touch ATM with the unfairness of it all. Sorry, I know I sound like I'm wallowing in self-pity. I don't usually allow myself to do that. I always try to find the positive, just ATM but it's all too hard.

Also found out last week, not sure if I mentioned it to you but apparently if you have an eating disorder you get 40 sessions on a MHP for a psych and 20 sessions with a dietitian. I totally support that being available to people with an eating disorder. I know how complex and life threatening those conditions can be but so is PTSD and Depression and a myriad of other MH conditions. It is so unfair that these abuses have happened to us through no fault of our own and we continue to have to pay the cost emotionally, physically and financially. It just sucks.

Anyway I'll pick up after my son's anniversary, at a cellular level my body knows it's looming. Doesn't matter what I do, I always end up in an emotional slump around this time. Par for the course.

Well I might leave it there and I'll reply on your thread.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara, you never need apologise for any feelings you have. I appreciate your HONESTY and that's more important than anything for me, for us all here and for yourself.

Please have a look at Kristen Neff on YouTube. Let her talks keep you company sometimes. I listen to her in the bath, it's a place I can (usually) be alone for a while. Well unless our little blind chicken didn't make it inside as what happened last night while I was in the bath. Sighhhh always something! But we found her, little darling, she's safe and sound now.

This house stuff would get anyone down. It's perfectly understandable your frustration and especially in the continued open home thing and losing your favourite house so far.

Mara can you hold presence with yourself? You know this is a difficult time with the anniversary of your beautiful boy's passing, you know it's hard with PTSD, you know the house thing is sh**.

IF I was going through ALL this you would be right there beside me holding on and I THANK YOU for that.
I know you would because that's just the type of friend you are.

You are so compassionate. So generous and kind. Don't make me cry! lol. I really feel for you.

Sometimes we do just need to cry. Hugs.

Hope the aholes were tolerable today. IDK I think I'd ask a friend to 'happen to call' whilst they were there and even once the call ended I would keep on the phone as if they were still on the call. But that's just ME! lol 😉

AVOIDANCE is the best medicine sometimes. And at this time you need a break.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Thank you lovely lady for your beautiful message. I am so grateful for our connection.

I'm am feeling so depressed ATM. Trying to hold on to the fact that I know things will be better after my boy's anniversary. You would think it would get easier with each passing year but if anything for me it gets worse. It's another year without him. So many things he has missed. Just hard to get out of the hole I'm in ATM. Dealing with my grief, the rape and the house is all too much.

I was feeling very unsafe last night so I emailed my Psych's receptionist today, I couldn't ring, I can't speak ATM. Anyway she has managed to get me an appt with my Psych tomorrow. Trying not to think about the finances I just know I need to do this.

I will listen to Kristen Neff, thank you for that suggestion. That said, I may wait until after my son's anniversary. I can't concentrate ATM.

I so need to cry, I wish I could, I'm sure it would help. I tried today to stop thinking of myself in the third person, I do that with all the trauma. It's my way of coping. I thought if I stop saying 'the child' the young woman' and instead say ME it might help me to process the feelings. But there is so much trauma and when I try to own it I don't think I can say how I feel, I don't want to breach the community guidelines, all I can say is it's too painful to stay there.

The aholes were tolerable, I was just not in the mood. They have treated me terribly over the years. I don't have people in my life that treat me like that but unfortunately they are my DH's children so I have to find a way to deal with them.

Yes I would agree with you AVOIDANCE can sometimes be the best medicine. I've never been good at that. I've always preferred to get in and deal with it. Sadly 'those who shall not be named' are from a country where you don't discuss problems, at least not with the people you have the problem with, no you sweep nicely under the carpet. I know we could move beyond our current situation if they would just sit down and talk it through. My DH offered to go to counselling with them, they refused. What can you do....

Thank you so much for your support Em, it means more than you can know.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara, our friendship is very important to me too. As much as anyone else might be able to listen to me, now, not before when I was in that dark place... it's like I don't trust anyone anymore... they just don't KNOW.
And I'm glad they don't know, that means they have no idea and had a much better life and I'm so grateful for that, but you KNOW. And Always will.

That makes me sad.
I've been watching Afterlife over and over with Ricky Gervais as the writer, director and main actor. It's on Netlfix - thanks son for paying for it lol. But it allows me to cry. And laugh at the ridiculous also.

I knew it was DHs children. I knew you wouldn't put yourself through more garbage unless it was DHs family.
Sometimes stepchildren can be spiteful. Just know who they are and expect nothing more.

Acceptance is a relaxing space. Boundaries are a necessity. Gaining enough respect for ourselves to do both is extremely difficult for us who've had such damaging childhoods.

"Illusions" by Richard Bach is another one you'll love when you settle in your new place.

I understand how the losses compound over time. It's a concept no one "gets" unless they've also been through it. How old they would be now. Whether they would have married. Whether they would have had children, bought a home, been happy. Loved us still.

They missed out and we miss them.

Thankyou for coming and talking here. I appreciate it so much. I really miss you when you're not here and not well. No guilt attempted just the truth.

Breathe. Drink water. Sleep. I will be here during and after.

Lots of love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

You are right about other's not understanding they don't know & I agree with you I am glad they don't know. I am so glad we connected. It helps chatting to someone who gets it who knows what it's like to be crippled by PTSD triggers. I am just so tired ATM. I know that the EMDR is the answer I can see that it's working it's just hard being in this space. I think if the house situation would just settle then I could just focus on my MH. But things have always been like this for me. There's always other stuff which gets in the way. Really trying to prioritise me ATM but it's not easy sometimes.

We've watch all of the Afterlife series. I love Ricky Gervais. It is a very moving & funny show. I wish I could cry but it takes a lot to get me teary. My parents could have trained soldiers for the SAS. They certainly made sure we shut down any emotion. It was so unsafe to show any sign of tears. At a head level I know it's ok to get angry & to cry but I just can't reach it. Apart from a few short tears when my son died, I didn't cry at all. I even conducted his service.... It's a long story but he would have wanted me to do it. I have to be so careful about what I say because if anyone reads my thread that knows me they will possibly ID me.

DH's children again I have to be careful what I say. All I'll say is that they have made it clear that I am not family, the grandchildren told DH that. I don't hold it against the grandies that's what they have been told. But hearing that certainly triggers all the rejection from my childhood. So many horrible things they have said about me, they don't even know me. Anyway enough about them, I refuse to give them space in my brain.

Thank you for the recommendation re: Richard Bach but I honestly can't concentrate to read or even watch TV ATM. My brain is frazzled.

The saddest thing for me with losing my son is all the things he missed out on. He missed his brother's wedding, being an Uncle, my wedding, he never got to marry or have children of his own. He never even had someone as partner. It's so unfair & yet the piece of s... that fathered him still draws breath where is the justice.

I miss you too when I take time out. I just find it hard to speak sometimes & not being able to concentrate also makes hard.

I am breathing, sleep is eluding me and nightmares reign when I do. I will check in. Don't worry I realised yesterday that despite how I feel, I do WANT to live which is why I contacted my psych.

MuchLove

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

Well you better check in!! Otherwise Sophie dear will be onto you lol. She shall be named :-))

My 2nd cousin told me a saying that fits some very well; "Don't let anyone live in your mind rent free".
So those that shall not be named stay that way.

Decades ago I practiced this exercise about a billion times a day and you know how I never exaggerate.
For a long period after my second marriage failed dismally and another long period after my mother was taken away by Police and I lost her and my entire family I did the following.

In my mind I built a MASSIVE GINORMOUS, you know really big lol, THICK THICK HIGH block wall all around me. I was inside with my children. Whenever THAT kind of person popped into my mind I 'threw them over the wall' - well more like they FLEW over the wall and landed outside. Then I focussed on the inside.

So many times a day. Then less and now never unless a PTSD episode and my purposeful recalling of that person to relay a story of that time for my children etc.

These people have ZERO power of you Mara.
YOU ARE SAFE.
You are very loved.
You are wanted very very much.

Big hugs for the little girl Mara who could not tell anyone.
Big hugs for the 19yo Mara who was brutally assaulted.
Big hugs for the Mara you are now.

Thankyou for making it through all of that.

You know you are standing strong. LOOK at what you have ALREADY achieved! YOU HAVE BEATEN those who harmed you because you still stand.

I think it's time we had some DIVINE INTERVENTION about selling the house!
I hear the house prices are coming up nicely. I hope they are there too. Just not the price of the house you WANT to buy!

I have another mind exercise I made up to sleep. Imagine a white fluffy cloud in the sky spinning like Fairy Floss in those Fairy Floss machines. Every thought that comes into your mind is vacuumed up fast and out of your mind right up to the spinning cloud. Every thought makes the cloud go darker and darker as it spins. Keep the cloud as your focus, spinning around. Then I imagine it floating to the other side of my mind and smiling so I can sleep.

This worked when I was waking drenched in sweat from panic attacks whilst I was sleeping. 3 layers of clothing plus all the sheets would be drenched. I would strip the bed, do an APC and take a sleeping bag to bed. Then do this mind exercise.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Thank you for the love & support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Very down today, a bit of intermittent crying over my boy which is good but I'm just so exhausted. Couldn't sleep last night. I nearly got up and replied to you, I should have but I was so tired. So here I am checking in because I said I would & also I'm a little frightened of Sophie being onto me Lol

My session went well yesterday. I swear I have the kindest, most generous psych ever. Given I saw 14 other therapists before him, I think I can say that with confidence. Yesterday he told me if I need to see him & I need to see him, he wants to remove that worry from me. I'm to contact his receptionist & he will see me. He said, he will reduce his fee further & despite me keeping a record of what I owe him, I'm not to pay him back unless I win $3 million on lotto. He has been so good to me over the years & I am so grateful that I found him.

I talked to him about me speaking about myself in the 3rd person in relation to the trauma and how painful it is when I say "I was raped" "I was SA" etc. I wasn't sure if I should be making myself own it. Long story short, he explained the disassociation & why I did it & he doesn't want me going through so much pain. I felt so much better after that.

I tried your fairy floss machine idea last night but my brain was all over place. That's the reason I can't meditate ATM either. That said, I will try the fairy floss machine again tonight, hopefully I will sleep.

Yes divine intervention is definitely needed re: the house. I can't keep going like this. I need my life to start moving this holding pattern we've been in is destructive to my MH.

I agree think brick walls are the way to go with DH's children. Normally I can distance but I think I'm just so fragile ATM & have been for the last 18 months that I just don't have the resources I use to have. I will get back there. I'm confident once I'm out of this house I will start to regain my strength. I hope so anyway.

I know your 2nd cousins saying & I agree with it. It's just hard with you have to deal with these people on a regular basis. If they weren't his family I wouldn't have anything to do with them. They are self-absorbed, self-indulged, spoilt SOBs.

Well lovely lady, that's as much as I can focus on for now. I'm here, I'm safe, I have strategies in place if that changes. I'm confident though my mood will lift after my son's anniversary, it usually does.

Take care

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

You're ONLY afraid of Sophie? lol. Gotta love Sophie lol.

Well done for those tears! Crying can exhaust you, sure, but the chemicals they release in the body are healing.

You will NOT drown in the tears. I promise. They will help heal you. I promise.

Whilst I'm making promises lol I PROMISE you have the sweetest and kindest psych known to personkind.
I smiled SO BIG when I read that paragraph!!! OMG Mara a true answer to Prayers. I LOVE THAT MAN lololol.

What a relief to hear you have things in place.

You are getting there verbally owning the trauma events. You have typed it here! The real deal is that you have already been through it. Your body owns it by reacting. It's only a matter of speaking the words. They cannot hurt you AT ALL.
The words could complete the circle. Maybe help seal it for closure to make space for healing?
TOTALLY up to you.

I'm not saying you haven't healed from the things that happened. But we want deep and total healing - not much to ask for surely!

The fairy floss thing works. It really works but takes practice. You have to know each thought is LEAVING your mind and I visualise that thought being sucked up into the spinning cloud. The cloud gets bigger with each thought. The cloud gets SO FAT and fluffy.

Thankyou for writing your post and keeping us updated!!!! Talk soon.

Lots of love EM