Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Well it's 3.30am and I'm wide awake. I did manage to get some sleep between 1am and 3.30am but that was it. So tired.

I spent ages last night writing to a journalist who had done a piece in our State's newspaper around mental health reform. It was hard, triggering but I did it and I sent it to her. I have no idea if she'll even read it but I have decided that my mission is to advocate for mental health reform. Later today I will finish a letter I have written to the PM. I intend to amend it and also forward it to Anthony Albanese as well as Catherine Morgan. Again I don't know if they will take any notice but I have always firmly believed that if you want change you need to speak up. It is not an easy thing for me to do to make myself vulnerable in this way. Apart from my husband, my psych and a few very close friends, very few people know my story. And really only my psych knows how deep those scars run. That said, I have to do this. I have to believe that if enough people speak up, change will happen. Wish me luck.

I did manage to have a long, hot bath last night. I did my best to meditate whilst in it. I did a little bit. I credit that relaxation for the little bit of sleep that I did mange to get.

I can see the healing in front of me. I am just so blessed to have my psych and to feel the love from so many people around me. I just have to believe that with time I'll get there. I hate the space I'm currently in. I have been through so much in my life and I'm still standing, I'm wobbly and I plunge into despair but I'm still here. I just have to hope I'll get there.

I reached out to some dear friends last night and organised a catch up next week. Organising anything socially ATM has just been too hard. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone. That said, these are good, loving people. They have also lost a child suddenly, so I know they understand which helps enormously.

I supported another friend last year, they lost their son to suicide. Yesterday she sent me the most beautiful card. The things she wrote touched my heart. I am blessed to have so many beautiful people in my life including yourself.

Well I won't reply on your thread till a little later. I think I'll try and go back to bed. Who knows I might fluke a little sleep.

Take care

Lots of love

Mara

[ecomama]

Mara THANK YOU for writing here & keeping that entire post going (instead of.. I know it's as well as... but I'm pulling you lol and writing in the replacement mode).

The BATH! What would we do without one. Sure only a coupla hours sleep but that's good!

I used to be far more vigilant at night. I'm sure night is when most people would be at their most desperate.
I got a call from an elderly neighbour late last night. She was triggering. She's a retired psych but I don't think she realises she has PTSD or at least extreme anxiety. I had to keep check on myself bec she was telling me about her own daughter needing to leave DV with children. Difficult.

Morning comes & the light of day brings a brighter outlook.

But in the past I often Prayed to God asking WHY would I need to go through all of this?
It wasn't God's doing anyway, it was evil.
One day I felt a resounding answer to my Prayers.

So YOU could understand others, so YOU could empathise with them like no one else can because you KNOW, and so that you could work WITH them. TURN THIS SH** INTO FERTILISER lol.

Evil might carve us out but light ALWAYS shines through.

You are getting better. Your light IS shining through.
You are turning what's happened to you into a light for others, most definitely me & us here, and your friends who've lost a child.

But this drive inside you is bigger than you & me.

The Advocacy role you've already begun is also your future. I'm glad for your future. I'm grateful for your precious present.

My mother started a Group for parents who'd lost their child. She ran this with a psychologist. Sharing grief is healing. I waited outside the room with my little brother who couldn't hear the stories of grief & the crying of all parents. I was glad for this, my surviving brother was too young to hear this.
But it helped heal me too, because I lost my brother too. I cried with them. But no one helped me directly. I tumbled around in this grief for so long & am probably only now allowing myself to grieve his death.

My brother P had a specific disability. I've devoted my life to disabled children & their families.
An organisation near my house supports this group of people & I decided about 2 weeks ago to become involved there. I see what needs to happen for the benefit of all of our local area. Segregation has to stop.

As with ANYONE I would like people to look at the ABILITIES or ABLE-ness of others. Everyone has disabilities lol 😉 some seen, others not.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Sorry I've taken so long to reply to your last post. This end of the week is hard for me with all the prep & cleaning for home opens. I often don't have time to think so if you don't hear from me for a few days into the lead up & through the weekend that is why.

I love the bath but it's always a case of weighing up which is more important my mental health or my physical. For Gynae and skin reasons I've been told from both specialists to stay out of baths. There is always a physical cost I pay when I have them but sometimes the benefit mentally is worth that cost.

Well I did it. I wrote to the PM & sent it via his website yesterday. It was hard for me to do that but I felt I had to. It clearly was good for me because I slept a little better last night. Whether he will ever see or read it, who knows, someone in his Dept will. I can only hope he will.

I'm glad your neighbour has you for support. I always find it interesting just how many people don't realise they have PTSD or anxiety. You would think a psych would recognise it but sometimes it's easier to see it in others than ourselves.

Once I get through this period & feel settled again, I am going to look at volunteering in the mental health sector. Not sure in what capacity but I'm sure my psych will know of some places that could use me. He's always encouraged me that way. He wanted me to train to be a counsellor a few years back. I was worried about being triggered with my PTSD. I think it would suit me better to be more involved in the practical side rather than the emotional.

You are always so positive & affirming, thank you.

I use to go to a support group for parents who had lost children. It didn't work for me. I wanted help to process my grief. I found that most people in the group were stuck there. There was one woman who 20 years after losing her son still had his bedroom as a shrine. No judgement she did what helped her & several others in the group were like that. I have tried to never lose sight of the fact that I have another son who needs me. I want to live my life in honour of my son not stop living because he's gone. That said, many of the members found comfort in the group & we all have to do what feels right for us.

I've lost 2 brothers. 1 died a month after I was born & the other was a Quadriplegic for 30 yrs. I've also done a lot of volunteering at the centre where he lived. Our stories are so similar Em.

I hope your weekend is a good one. We have a storm brewing.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, oh gosh we really are so so so so similar lol. I do love that and take so much comfort in you just knowing.

OMG Counselling! YES! Eldest daughter told me that the Govt is heavily supporting some Counselling courses, one that was $15 000 is now $1 000. Tbh I think you'd get a Scholarship from somewhere if you wanted to study. You are SO VALUABLE and no one can buy your life experiences NOR would they want to, right?
Mine neither, it's crap but I always look at it as turning sh** into fertiliser and there it is.

I was umming about the Counselling course then said no to it. But I was umming again today, IDK.... mmmm.
Just for my OWN knowledge. I'm still "working" and need to ask permission to work anywhere else etc.

But I would love the KNOWLEDGE.

Plus putting alot of blood flow to our frontal lobes is JUST what we must do to prune the PTSD mouse wheel crap out of our precious minds. Our amygdala is on FIRE when we are PTSDing. We have to sedate it lol. Put it to sleep, give it a well-deserved holiday.... anything to covet it for REAL life and death situations and I'm sure this is one way.

I'm meditating on this push of blood flow to my frontal lobe even in the shopping centre lol. As much as I can.
If I'm calm or if I'm wobbly, no matter where or when. Just doing it.

I want to formalise a meditation on this. Now I know I can record on my phone lol. Maybe I can play it back at night time. I'm reading You are the Placebo by Dr Joe Dispenza - I started it last night because the other books I started didn't grab me. This one definitely HAS.

Well out of empathy for you (lol) I cleared out 35 bags of garbage in the past 2 days! Stuff that triggered me previously.
SO I'M WORKING WITH YOU. All good, you never have to apologise.

I needed to wash alot of the hand me down clothes for my son's gfs 9 siblings lol! Yeah NINE. N-I-N-E. omg.
Plus ACTUAL garbage.
Dear God Mara there is SO much more to go now I'm off and running and empathising with you lol, hurry up and sell that house lol!
The kids and I walk up and down our street late on garbage night and fill everyone's bins.

You will be a fantastic asset to any workplace.

Our family is holding a Smoking Ceremony for your son on 2 dates.

LOVE YOU
EM

[ecomama]

MORE POWER TO YOU SISTER SENDING THOSE EMAILS.

Can you feel the change in your cells? I can. I just got goosebumps.

It's happening.

Love EM

[ecomama]

I'm sorry I didn't say anything in my previous posts.

I'm very sorry for your friend's diagnosis. I'm glad she has a friend like you.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

I was moved to tears when you said that you and your family are holding a smoking ceremony for my son on both dates, I think I'll call him R. He would have been stoked. R was a very spiritual person so I know it would have meant a lot to him too.

We have so much in common and your empathy means more than you can know. I feel the same for you. I will reply on your thread but my heart broke for what you went through over the weekend with your adult kids. You are a wonderful mother I can tell that by how protective you are of them and their mental health. It's so hard when those closest to us, criticize us. I'm sending much love and white light to you.

Well we had another 6 couples through the house this weekend but no offers. The buyers obviously didn't get any offers on theirs either. I honestly can't take much more of this. It needs to end soon.

Emotionally, I'm not in a good place. I'm liking it to being 2 separate people. We caught up with a friend on Sat and I was sitting there trying to hold a conversation all the time feeling like I'm dying inside. I remember years ago reading a description about depression and they likened it emotionally to having a set of scales. I'm sure you've heard this before but one side is positive experiences the other negative. The danger is when the negative side tips the scale. In my scale ATM the negative side is so full it's on the floor. I've thought a lot this week about my psych's offer re: his fees and have decided that I need weekly sessions. I'm not safe, I know it and I need to accept his help. That's a big one for me.

Re: the counselling, I say go for it. Me I need to sort myself first. I'm positive that if I did the course I would only use the info for voluntary work. I just don't feel like I'm in the head space at the moment to apply myself.

Good for you sorting out and getting rid of 35 bags of garbage. I honestly believe clutter weighs us down. And it's quite cathartic clearing it all out.

I feel for my friend. She really has no one she can lean on in her family. I will be there in what ever capacity I can help but ultimately it's a tough journey in front of her. She has had such a hard life. My heart goes out to her.

Well lovely lady, I'll leave it there.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

YES YES YES take the psychs offer! Ab so lutely!
For him as well as you!
It must be so frustrating being a MH professional when you feel you can't support one of your clients enough during really tough times.
SO I SAY GO FOR IT!!!

Then only 6 days of white knuckling between appointments during these periods. MUCH BETTER!

I know it's difficult to accept help, I really hear you but please do. You mean alot to so many people, definitely me included, so it's a gift to us as much as to you.

You really are a gift.

It's so hard with your friend too. My friend too. Both of them have had rough lives. There's no justice. We need to get as much bolstering possible for this journey with them.

So when someone is trying to balance up the "justice" scales in YOUR Favour then please accept it. You need it now. Everyone who loves you and knows what you're going through would give this to you if they could.

I'm not going to do the Course. I'm not well and IDK what's going on. I have lots to sort there, I can feel it lol.
I've been on leave so I got a bit of wishful thinking. Just about the knowledge not to BE a Counsellor.

In a few weeks I will return to work PT and that and my continued therapies AND the kids, well my cup runneth over lol. I want SOME time to support my friend too and be here. And get gardening - it's my best therapy. Well when the destruction is more cleared THEN I can do the fun part of gardening more. I cheat and do the fun part anyway, why not.

The high falooting looming financial issues I was getting stressed about (no not ACs lol they can go take a hike) seem to be not so bad atm. Adjustments were made. All ok.

I REALLY HOPE your house sells soon!
6 couples is pretty good and the buyers may be released soon too by selling their own house, which we hope for.

Yeah 35 bags but only 6 of actual garbage. The rest off to sell, donate and hand to other families.
There's alot more from where that came from lol ... awful.

Talk soon
Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Well just when I thought this year couldn't get any sh.....r it does.... Just got back from my GP. That in itself is triggering enough, long story short the ultrasound I had last week is showing something on my pancreas. It's not vascular which is apparently positive but will require further investigation. She said it's not good that it's there but try not to stress. That lead into my experience in hospital 18 months ago. I ended up crying, GP was awesome, but is worried about me. I am going to have to have either an MRI or some investigative internal thing, the specialist will be talking to me in a fortnight. GP has given me a sedative to take before I have procedure. I'm just so far over my body. And am seriously over this year. To add to all this, it keeps bucketing with rain here. And it's going to be pouring on my son's anniversary which means the ferry trip will be rough... My psych appt can't come soon enough this week. My GP checked I'm still seeing my psych and encouraged me to see him weekly. So looks like I'll be doing that. I'll talk to him on Friday, I give up. I seriously give up. I just need to take the help that's offered and stop worrying about everyone else.

Not feeling like gift at the moment. LOL. If I am I'm a faulty one from the $2 shop Lol.

You certainly do have your hands full with your children, work and looking after your MH. I'm with you, I won't be doing any courses any time soon.

So glad gardening is a good therapy for you. We don't have a garden here and I miss having flowers around me. God I wish this house would sell. So many things are hanging because of this house. It's so frustrating.

Thank you lovely lady, for your ongoing support. Sorry my thread is so full of negatives at the moment. I'm barely managing to keep my head above water. And my thread pretty much reflects my depression. I will come out of this emotional slump. I have to believe that.

Take care

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

I'm walking with you in my parallel life. I'm really sorry there's something going on with your pancreas.

Weather reports are not always correct. Hold on to that.

I guess you've Googled everything it could be? I don't like this information you're giving me (and us) but I will Pray for miracles that nothing at all is there and that your pancreas is as healthy as it could be.

Absolutely you must take the weekly psych appts, this is a must. No question about it.

This is well beyond a difficult time for you and becoming increasingly unmanageable psychologically.
I hope you can find some way to rest your tired mind and find peace at times in your sleep at least.

What can we do? Life throws us boulders to catch sometimes when we are already juggling the boulders we carry. I have now idea but to feel as you do - give up - drop the boulders IDK. Whatever we've been doing has not helped our health.

It's no wonder that all these feelings of deep grief, frustration, depression, anxiety, PTSD and the list goes on.

I know we've overcome so much to be living and breathing and talking to each other right now.

I am working hard to recover mentally and physically through Dr Joe Dispenza's work albeit's only a hope right now.
I truly hope the same for you with unconditional love and healing for a full recovery.

Love EM