Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

You've shown so much courage in facing all of this. I know we have no choice to do so, to be forever bound by these parts of our past is no way to live.

There comes those times we do have to face it all and I'm glad your psych and DH are there to support you.

It's been too long hasn't it.

But a brave set of steps indeed.

Please don't feel you can't talk about anything here. I want you to use your thread and these forums to share whatever you need to or want to.
I DO that!

Your story does not trigger me. It's all fine.

I don't have the need to share it all. I was fortunate enough to have so many, like SO MANY very loving and generous relatives during my childhood. They saw things. They knew things - even more than I did and do. At times la familia lol would be like "that's life. Sorry your mum's 'like that'", which was HUGE. My relatives took me away for days, weeks at times making excuses as to why. I know now the abuse was reduced so much by their actions.

I saw and experienced far too much as it was.

I doubt I'll see my mother again deliberately.

Yes indeed yay for us! The most miraculous thing about people like "us" is that through this all we somehow worked out right from wrong. It didn't protect us enough to avoid further abuse in our adulthoods but even there we finally got there lol.
With all else this is miraculous.

I'm glad we did.
Life is so much more restful without abuse. It's kinder and sweeter.

I hope you enjoyed your birthday!
Were you able to do some thing special today?

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

We did have a choice Em. We could have done what other members of our family have done to cope. In my family that's alcohol denial or repeat the abuse. We had the courage to change the cycle. Mind I have to say this particular part of my journey is going to be the toughest. I did well over the weekend to keep the flashbacks at bay but they are back today.

I got close to dealing with my Dad 30 years ago when I found out what he did to me sister. Unfortunately I took it to the group I was in at the time. Another participant verbally attacked me & the facilitators allowed it. As a result I shoved my Dad deep down into my subconscious into the mental equivalent of a bank safe. It's good that it's coming up now & that I have weekly sessions booked. It will be a relief to have it behind me.

I'm cautious about what I post. I had a couple of emails early on for breaching the community guidelines, so I'm uber careful now. Plus I don't want to trigger anyone.

You were very fortunate to have family that looked out for you throughout your childhood. I didn't have not. I had no one. I had to look out for my younger siblings but no one protected me. My psych is amazed that I was able to foster attachment with my children because he said it is rare that someone coming from the abuse I came from & not having had attachment with my parents can do that. But somehow it was instinctive to me. The need to love and protect is part of my DNA.

I am sorry that you had to see & experience what you did but so glad you had loving people around you.

You are wise choosing not to see your mother again. My parents have been dead 11 yrs & I do not miss them at all. In fact I'm relieved they are gone.

Yes we did finally get there in spite of our of our upbringing. I am proud of us Em. We may still be a work in progress but good for us for striving for a better life for us & our children.

You are so right. Life is kinder & sweeter without abuse.

I had a wonderful birthday. Lunch with my son's family on the day & then lunch with friends the next day. My waistline has expanded due to all the birthday cake. Lol. I have to share with you a beautiful moment with my Grandson he chose a Batman card for me for my birthday because apparently Nanna loves Batman. Lol. He also very kindly offered to use the stickers that came with the card. Lol. God love him. So glad he was there but because I have no idea how Nanna would have blown all the candles out with him. Lol.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Awww that's SO CUTE! lol don't kids enjoy us having parties so much?
Lots of candles maybe Nanna? lol!

What a sweet picture.

I'm sorry the flashbacks have returned. Yes I remember the groups abuse and what you shared back then. That's so not ok.

But in true Mara style, nothing will beat you.

You will conquer this also. I know you will.

The "dad" stuff is most certainly loaded with stuff. Was he ever reported to Police?

Yes indeed alcoholism runs rampant in my family. It's ruined so many of their lives.
SA was all in ex' families and I reported the lot.

I spoke with psych friend tonight about the splintering and little Mara on the bed.
I just wish I could explain it as well as she does....

She also agreed that maybe "edging" into the abuse at the time from the outer edge - of those eerie nights waiting could be the way in to deal with the rest. Your psyche knows best but may try hard to keep it all in the vault!

I have images similar to yours. But not much emotion attached... more like a faint wistfulness.

Oh dear the Sophies will not like me saying this but I reckon my email address is on speed dial for them, the darlings! THANKYOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE ALL Sophies!

I love the moderation of this forum.
It does keep us all safer.

Did I tell you I throw "Happy Unbirthday" Parties Mara?

Lol... why not. An Unbirthday cake and all! The singing gets a little confused esp when we get to "Happy Unbirthday dear_____________________________" then we just all say each person's name at the party and laugh because it's such a mess.

Just to keep the party spirit up here. My grandchildren have pretty miserable other grand parents lol... I'm the PARTY NANA!

It's because I want lots of lollies! hahahaha.

Just an idea for grandson from Aunty Em lol. Why not eh? Life's too short and you may as well get lots of photos before you change your hair from purple to turquoise!

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I'm not travelling so well today. It's like I'm two separate people. The surface person smiling & enjoying the moment & underneath this deep depression. The flashbacks are crippling when they hit. So glad I see my psych on Thurs. I knew that once we started dealing with Dad it would be a roller coaster ride. It's a ride I need to do it's just going to knock me around till it's done.

My father was never reported to the Police. When my sister told me what he'd done 35 yrs ago I thought she was going to go to the Police. If she had I would have supported her 100% but she didn't. I don't know what her motivation was to tell me then. I have theories but not enough characters to explain to you. She certainly didn't do it to protect me or my younger sister. We had left home by then.

Nothing will beat me however it does get harder each time. I'm just so tired. I'm not sure if it's purely emotional or if my platelets have dropped further. Hopefully I'll feel brighter tomorrow.

Kids do enjoy parties. Even the 1 yr old was clapping his hands with excitement when the cake came out.

It wasn't so much the number of candles Nanna didn't get a chance to blow them out. Mr 4 yr old had them blown out first. Lol.

Alcoholism is rife in my family. It is devastating to look at the destruction it causes. Something I know you understand.

I won't get into the amount of SA in my family. 1 counsellor I saw literally had the colour drain out of her face when I told her how much there was. She didn't see me again after that she passed me on to her supervisor.

I think "edging" in is the only way I'm going to be able to deal with my Dad. My psych is letting me control the pace. He knows I have enough awareness to know just how much I can take at any given time. I can't reach the child on the bed but have decided to just sit next to her which is what my psych does when I get distressed. He asks if it's ok, then he just sits in the seat next to me.

I like the unbirthday party idea. I might have to pinch that one Lol. I'm the lolly Queen. Nanna always has the best treats Lol.

Grandson doesn't like having photos taken but I will try to get 1 while Nanna has purple hair. Definitely not going turquoise. Lol.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Ahhh I like turquoise...

I'm sorry you're feeling tumbled, it can be a difficult process but you've started so I guess there needs to be an end to it.

And an end to all this intrusion into your present life. Emotionally and psychologically which we know means mentally and physically too.

I hope you get some emotional closure.

Such a wasted opportunity your sister not reporting to Police.
It would have some sense of vindication in some ways.
Such is life at times. Barely any perps get taken off the streets anyway IME.

A Chamber of Magistrate in a Court House once said to me "If people knew how many criminals they walk past each day, they'd never leave the house".
I don't know why I didn't take 100% notice of that comment till now... I only applied to the stalkers stalking me at the time.
Yes they were charged.... eventually.
Corrupt Police here at the time didn't help.

Good Police got there in the end.... actually I ended up hiring my own Lawyer because by then I didn't trust the Police AT ALL.
On the way out of the Court House the stalkers tried to attack me.
Noice.
Handcuffed by Police and taken away as the first breach of the AVO.

Some "people" ARE 100% bad. Far too many.

Now I get it.

SO glad to hear you have your psych on Thursday. I hope this session is less traumatising for you.
I have my Counsellor same day. It's been a month and lots has happened lol.

Still so much to do.

I've been told to do some Somatic Experiencing Therapy with a psych from ..... drum roll because this seems quite crazy.... an expert in America.🙄
Because and I quote a psychologist.... there just aren't any good ones in Australia.

So I guess I'll be looking into that later on to sweep any dust out lol.

YD comes first. I'm doing really well and she's doing well too but she wants psych sessions so have them she will.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

I want to thank you so much for all the love and support you have given me. I don't know if you know just how much I have appreciated chatting to you.

After a lot of soul searching yesterday, I have decided for the foreseeable future to withdraw from the forum. If I had any doubts about this decision my nightmare last night and the thumping migraine I woke with at 4.30am, dispelled those doubts.

With everything I have going on at the moment mentally and physically, I can't afford to have anything else triggering me. I need to state that nothing you have said at any point has triggered me. 

I honestly and sincerely hope that YD continues to regain her joy for living. I wish you and your beautiful family much peace and love. Once again Em, thank you so much, you have been a shining light for me. I shall miss you.

Much love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

Thankyou for letting me know. I will miss you for sure.

Thankyou also for everything you've done for me and my family.

I really hope you recover and live a beautifully wonderful life.

Love always EM