Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[ecomama]

Thankyou for posting Mara, I know you're busy with the house.
Then your sessions (or lack of them) on top.

Yes indeed more snapping than a flock?? lol of crocodiles.

I OFTEN have pennies dropping days after up to a week afterwards but it's usually with my close friend who's doing higher studies in psychology. She understands how my brain processes things now. Before she would just 'lose it' a little, thinking that I was avoiding or ignoring her words.

Now the words just "sit out there" lol (gosh I hope that's not more evidence of dissociation ugh)... the words linger in the outer reaches of my mind, I'm usually not paying attention to them at all.
Then, usually when I'm doing some rote task like washing the dishes or scrubbing the porch, bing.... a connection's made. Sometimes the connections seem like DOTS in my mind of events. And they all connect. Then they fall into place like a line of dominoes in a line.

I think at this point it's really hard to communicate what happened. I have felt quite dizzy at times. I need to do immediate grounding or even sleep, if I'm able to with the goings on of the kids here. I get a feeling of concussion sometimes. It can be quite heavy.

But you know we're here on the forum. I hope you can rest. I Pray you get the right buyer and the best price.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

Got to love autocorrect! Lol. I actually typed a bask of crocodiles, which is what a group of crocodiles is called, that or a float, but autocorrect changed it to 'back' Thankfully you worked out what I was trying to say. Lol.

Totally understand what your saying about the pennies dropping days afterwards. It certainly has happened before with me but this one has really....... I can't articulate how it has impacted me. Might be easier to explain. As I mentioned several messages back, I started seeing this psych for couples sessions with my ex. After a session or 2, I realised he had the experience to help me deal with the PTSD & the associated traumas. I have been seeing him off & on for years. Early on I saw him reasonably regularly, then for years I'd go months between appts. My initial appts were dealing with my past but at the same time I was dealing with my marriage which was crumbling. I was also dealing with the stress of caring for my parents. Over the past 18 months I have given myself such a hard time about being triggered again. Not only that but the PTSD has been the worse I have ever experienced it. I felt bad for taking up so much of my psych's time. Also felt terrible about the reduction in fees he gave me. Long story short, when I had the session on Thurs, I asked when did I start seeing him. I had a rough idea of the year but I couldn't remember exactly. He told me and it didn't sink in at first. It wasn't really to yesterday that it sunk in. I had been seeing him for less that 2 years when my son died. No wonder I'm back here, I never finished the process, that is if you ever do. So much makes sense now. I look back at the period when my son died and I don't know how I did what I did. I was in the middle of separation and property settlement, selling a home, as well as trying to buy home. I had been caring for my parents for 10 years and still had another 3 to go. My baby died without a Will, that was a 2 year nightmare in itself. I was in the middle of a huge trauma, no wonder I couldn't focus on sorting out my MH. I suspect us having the house on the market has played a part in triggering me too.

When I realised all this yesterday, it was overwhelming. I still feel like I want to curl up a ball and hide. I'm sure it will all be ok. Just seems like forever till my next appt.

Thank you for your prayer in relation to the house. For my MH sake, I really need it sold soon.

Take care

Love

Mara

[Guest_1643]

hi em and mara -

google that particular leader trying to say the word vegetables recently

you may enjoy that 🙂

Hope you are both keeping well

[ecomama]

Sleepy21 said:

hi em and mara -

google that particular leader trying to say the word vegetables recently

you may enjoy that 🙂

Hope you are both keeping well

Lolololol NO PLEASE NO. Crikeys throw that one on the pile too. The voice triggers me.

Is he suggesting injecting veggies now?

EM

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

what a nightmare or many series of them occurring concurrently - UGHHHHHHH.

So that means on and off for 15+ years with same psych?

I cannot believe it all happened at once. But ofcourse I do! (snap minus and plus events)

I once saw a meme that said "I want to be on the devil's top 10 hit list" pity I said that out loud...…. TRULY makes you wonder why all this crap.

Better question is HOW? I don't like your parents btw.

I had 2 analogies. 1 was like I felt like a pinball in a pinball machine being pushed on that angle then on another and without warning.

The other was like being in huge surf, "dumpers" we called huge waves. And being pushed underwater time and time again by the dumpers.

Dreams can be similar but worse.

I'm amazed you survived all that. Yes it's logical that the sale of the house is the card at the base of the house of cards. It was all falling down around you back then.

But this time it's not.
Clear path.
Psych on board.
Great H lol, last but not least.

I truly hope the sale goes through smoothly and soon.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Sorry it's taken a while for me to respond to your last message. We lost power here yesterday and it was out for 17 hours. Came back on at about 6am this morning but then the NBN was down. Been an interesting 24 hours. I don't know how we coped without the internet. Lol.

I hope your session went well today, I was thinking of you. Hopefully you're all prepared now for your trauma counselling session tomorrow. Truly hope that session is the start of a new beginning for you.

I've been seeing my psych for 16 years. I actually started therapy 36 years ago. The first 20 years were a waste of my time and money. As none of them realised I had PTSD despite me telling them about the traumas. The first 7 years the organisation I went to, well my psych was absolutely appalled at some of the things they said to me. The consequence of that experience is that it has taken me this long to trust my psych. And even now I'll have a reaction and have to tell myself that that doesn't belong to him, that belongs to the other place.

I don't like my parents either. Lol. Actually dislike is probably understatement.

I like your analogies, that is exactly how it has felt like. One major life event after another, like a pin ball machine. No wonder I never got a chance to finish the process.

I'm starting to believe that selling the house has combined with my experience in hospital and between they have triggered what I've been experiencing over the past 18 months. I have said those things at different points to my psych when I back to therapy this time but I've didn't have clarity that I do now. And all because I asked him when did I start seeing you. So much makes sense now.

Yes I do have a clear path.

I do have a great husband, that said without going into too much detail, there are people in his life that have made it tough for us as a couple. That in itself has been difficult for me at times.

Thank you. I hope the house sells soon. I'm so over home opens. Lol.

Love

Mara

[Mara56]

Hi Sleepy 21,

Thanks for the tip, I'll have to search for that clip.

He truly is ...... choosing my words carefully. Lets put it this way, I think a psych assessment would be very valuable in this case. Lol. So glad he is not our leader.

I'm travelling ok. Hope you're keep well.

Take care

Mara

Take care

[ecomama]

OMG YOU couldn't cope without electricity and NBN at your house? What about us here! I couldn't cope without electricity and NBN at your house either! lolololol. Just joking …. kinda 😉
SO glad it's back on. yay!

Ok so we don't like your parents lol. We're about to have another snap moment for me there, end of.
Parents snap grrr will extrapolate later. Pinballs yep.

Seriously Mara, as you were typing about the awful crap the other counselling service gave you, I was pondering EXACTLY the same thing as I was writing in our other loungeroom. Snap. Not expanding now. You can anytime because it's YOUR thread.

I need to know WHERE to report. I don't think I will, but I get so angry at the DAMAGE caused. Unbelievable. I guess one needs 'evidence' yeah whatever.

Don't get me started on that "leader".

Though I'm glad Johnson recovered and hope he makes a full recovery. He's lovely.

Clarity is AWESOME on the other side of the process of it. Clarity is always my goal though.

I get dizziness when the dots connect which leads to more clarity. Happened again yesterday. My counsellor is concerned that I have so much leave and I guess equated it to "too much time" to think. I guess she meant "ruminate" lol. I'm not ruminating. The memories are coming in like tidal waves; thick and fast. A year ago this really began. It's ramped up so much this year. No Courts maybe.
Events I have NEVER remembered are coming down from my closed off memory. Some not since the event itself. Some 50+ years ago.

I need this extra help.

The only thing I could "get off my plate" was working and I will always be glad I did. My counsellor has always been concerned that I'm naturally into "immersion therapy" and I took on what she said about the dangers of going headlong into memories. But these feel 'out of my control in their drop down' if you like. It can happen anytime. No apparent triggers at all. Tbh usually when I'm in a more relaxed state lol, just to hype things up a bit 😞

Anyway I told her I have my garden and my gardener who co-regulates me.

I don't want to end up where so many of my relatives have, both older and lots much younger. I'm seeking help. They never have. Not that I'm better at all! I'm just terrified of having similar issues.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Lololol no electricity I could cope with but the internet is another thing entirely 😂

Yesterday I learned another lesson don’t cull when your in the middle of a PTSD trigger. Years ago I learned the valuable lesson of not getting a haircut at those times. It took a couple of hairdressing disasters for me to get that one. Yesterday I was looking for a particular jumper and then remembered it had gone when I culled my wardrobe before the first home open. I also went looking in the dark for candle holders, I’d given them to charity at the same time as jumper grrrrr. Thankfully DH found something we could use.

Parents.... My psych is constantly amazed at how I parented my boys given the way my parents parented me. He said it’s rare, usually the pattern is repeated. I was driven to change the cycle & I’m sure you are equally as driven.

So much happened at that counselling services. One time I had been at a party & a man came up behind me and won’t go into it but I froze. I couldn’t speak, it was assault and I couldn’t speak. I was frightened about the fact that I froze so I took to the group I was in. The counsellor that ran the group laid into me. She told that because I didn’t say anything I was consenting to what he did. Another time I went to the group because I had just found out that my father had abused my sister. To say I was mess is an understatement. I shared it only to have another woman in the group verbally abuse me. She called me vile, horrible names, names my mother had called me. It was terrible & should never have been allowed in a therapy setting. Instead of protecting me the psych & counsellor put all their attention on the other woman (might add this girl thought she’d been abused because someone suggested she might have been. Months later she revealed she hadn’t been abused) I went back to the group a few days later and told the therapists how I felt, they just thanked me and moved on. There is so much more but I’ll run out of space again.

When you said you thought your counsellor was concerned you had too much time to ruminate, I cracked up. My psych is always telling me I think too much. Lol

That’s good that long hidden memories are surfacing. It gives you a chance to deal with them. I know what you mean about only being able to deal with work. I always feel there is so much to deal with, I wish I could have a few sessions in a row just to get through some stuff.

I’m going to run out. I’ll add a short separate message.

Love

Mara

[Mara56]

PS: Clarity is awesome! Even if emotional turmoil comes with it.

Yes my family are a motivating factor as well. God for you for having the courage and drive to get help for yourself and your family. I’m in awe of courage.

Here’s to the garden and gardener. I’m sure they’ll help keep as co-regulators.

Love

Mara