Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[ecomama]

Thankyou Mara, it was a triggering experience last night. I couldn't get my car out of the driveway, for all the police vehicles, so had to text and call my children to get Ubers home.
I was worried the police would see all these teenagers dressed in black get outing of car after car and walking towards them so I gave strict directions to my children of how to do that. Told the police etc. Fortunately, in a way but their poor friends! There were no Ubers available, so they called friends to drive them home. Only one police vehicle was left by the time they got home.

The alleged offenders were hiding on our property. Crikeys, if that isn't enough motivation to clear the lantana lol, I don't know what is! But then again, it's not a friendly bush to try to hide in as they discovered. Sniffer dogs found them eventually. A total palaver really.

Yeah whatevs about police notes lol, there are no charges on our side, just a lot of very wild stories. The long lists of charges lay elsewhere 😉

Moving on lol.... need to calm my nerves before work today on little sleep.

Good, I'll write notes before the psych appt, it's gonna be weird having my 1st appt via phone, no zoom yet. But it is what it is. I'm glad your psych is seeing you, like actually seeing you lol, That'd be really nice for you since you've got a good relationship.

Hope you have a good day Mara. It would be nice hanging out with a friend over lunch.
For now I am only extending myself to reconnecting with them.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Good morning Em,

I hope your nerves settle today. I can certainly understand them being heightened given the events of last night.

Wise woman, advising your teenagers on how to approach the police. I can only imagine how traumatic it could have all turned out if the police had mistaken your children for friends of the offender.

Yes, Lantana is not ideal for hiding in Lol. I had heaps of it years ago, so I have an idea of how unwise hiding in it would be.

Not much sleep this end either. My brain works overtime before and after a session. I tried meditating to switch it off and eventually I did go to sleep. Only drama is I was meditating on my back, I can't sleep on my back because of issues I have with my neck. I've woken this morning with a migraine brewing which is annoying to say the least. I don't want to take my migraine meds before the session as they make me a little dopey and it's an important session today, so I need to be as aware as possible, well for me anyway Lol.

Up till this week I've been doing my appointments with the psych via Zoom. In a strange way that was easier for me than in person. But you can't do EMDR via Zoom or the phone. I don't plan on EMDR today, there is a lot to go over as a result of the last session. Plan to do EMDR on the next session. I can't wait to be honest. Now I can see an end in sight I just want it over.

I journal, not sure if you do. Then before a session I summarise the important bits and take it to the session. I'm calling it my fortnightly report. Lol. I use to read the journal but it took up too much time. I started doing this because I found often I'd come out of a session and half an hour later realised I hadn't covered something really important. Plus I'm very aware that I present as being ok when I'm not. I've told my psych he can't trust how I look, he can't trust the tone of my voice, or my lack of emotion but he can trust every word I say. I don't lie and I'm as honest with him as I've ever been with anyone. I've never seen the point in investing time and money in therapy if you're not prepared to do the work. It's a shame my second husband didn't have the same philosophy.

I hope you get to hang out with a friend for lunch, you deserve some me time. That said, reconnecting can be just as good for the soul.

I hope you have a good too Em.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Hi Mara,

How did your session with the psych go today?

Did your migraine settle? I hope so.

I'm sure you've investigated everything lol but for those who may not have, and just in case... I know you said somewhere that you have food sensitivities? or avoid lots of foods?
My mother suffered dreadfully from migraines - week in bed vomiting and partial relief after prescribed meds in forms of injections I had to give her.

I got one in my early twenties, boy, another world. Then I avoided salicylates. In my case especially some food combinations eaten in the same day eg oranges, onions, cheese, tomatoes, never capsicum again and some others. If could have one of these in 24h then I'd be ok, but more than 1 and any added stressors and I could feel one coming on.

But then again my eldest daughter investigated this very strange and rare thing that some people suffer from, I must ask her the name. She thinks that she and I do because so many boxes were ticked. Loud persistent noise in there too. Foods, smells, alcohol, bright lights etc. Basically 'sensitivities' of all sorts.

We both avoid alcohol completely. My mother avoided alcohol all her life. This brought a migraine on immediately and she could tell if someone spiked her drink this way.

I digress. Hope you're doing okay. No I don't journal atm lol. My diary has about 10 things to do each day extra to my usual housework and then about 44 work things per day for work lol.

I think writing some things down for psych sessions may help keep it on track.
I kind of have a priority order going on my head. It's a shame EMDR can't be done over the phone lol. I hope they can open for some sessions for EMDR soon at the clinic, as this was my focus and the reason I chose this particular psych.

My youngest daughter went to school today and one of her friends had lost her dad. I asked about how my daughter handled that and what she said to her etc. Then it was like a wispy haze came across as I remembered my own first day at school after a loss of mine as a child. I was back there. Feeling all the strange bodily sensations I had back then (and haven't had since until today). I can still feel the prickles in my skin now, the nausea, the heaviness.
I need a release from this.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

My session went extremely well, today. My psych was impressed with all the work I had done. I’m so grateful to him and it was good for me to tell him that in person. We’re going back to EMDR at the next appointment. It finally feels like an end is in sight. Might be a little while yet but I can see I’m heading there, it’s such a good feeling.

I ended up having to take my migraine meds after my session. The migraine has gone now. I did the food sensitivity testing years ago. I can’t eat oranges, I get instant migraines. I don’t drink because I have stomach issues but before those presented I could drink NZ white wines, I can’t go near red wine, just a few sips and the migraine is so bad I can’t even sit up without throwing up. Lack of sleep and stress also trigger them. On top of that I was in an accident with a bus when I was 12 and injured my neck. I didn’t receive treatment for my neck for 16 years. They were 100 times worse during my 2 previous marriages. My hormones also contribute to them. I’m under a Neurologist and he’s been injecting my neck and head with Botox. It has helped heaps. I still get them but I can still function. I have a sensitivity to light including flashing lights, I occasionally get auras but not regularly. I am sensitive to smells especially if I’m getting a migraine.

Writing things down definitely helps me stay on track. When you have your first EMDR session you’ll understand why you can’t do it over the phone. I’m so excited for you starting this part of the journey. It is definitely helping me. Freedom from flashbacks and all the horrid physical symptoms that go with PTSD. That is my wish for you lovely lady.

I am sorry to hear about your daughter’s friend. I am sure you daughter handled it with compassion, just like her Mumma would. I’m sorry though that it triggered the grief from when you were younger. Those physical symptoms are not nice. I’m sure the EMDR will help you deal with this along with the trauma. In the meantime I’m sending you a cyberhug.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Awww I love those cyberhugs lol, right back at you Mara!

I'm so glad you beat the migraine, that's awesome. And your psych appt went well too, pretty much a huge day for you.

Yeahhhh okay.... so some of the same exact foods trigger migraines with you also?
Interesting. Apparently "unwooded" wines are okay but I don't drink at all. The kids and I have banned alcohol and drugs from our home, I'm sure you know why 😉 Red wine has always been a no go zone for me, instant bash of a headache and the rest.

Years ago a friend said to me that if I grew my own tomatoes organically in my garden then they wouldn't trigger migraines. omg she was right! And now same with oranges.
So I love my orange tree and we use all sorts of free organic fertilisers lol. I laugh because I can't tell you everything.

I can only have a little bit of extra hard cheese like parmesan. But can eat Mersey Valley and Camembert. This is because of FODMAP. Well it's not because of FODMAP, it's just that that food plan exposed specific foods that agreed and disagreed with me, love it. I'm not a huge cheese eater anyway so no loss really.

The light and smell sensitivities. snap. For my daughters most especially, me less and yes only when I'm trying to deter a headache.

You survived a bus wreck? Gosh Mara, you've survived everything! High five you Amazon woman you lol. Thank God for botox. Oh I just thought of something …. bitters. Found in some greens not so popular now and ofcourse in Angostura bitters. Apparently bitters fortify your nervous system and spinal cord.

So I'm getting excited about preparing my garden for growing bitter laden greens. LOVE them under poached eggs from my chickens. Since covid, so many organic suppliers have closed under too much pressure and no stock left. SO HAPPY to hear so many people on the bandwagon with growing food, hope it lasts lol. I want to get a number of blueberry bushes and am prepping the garden bed for them now.

Maybe the rain will force me to take time out and do some other stuff inside which actually makes me happy too. I'm amazed, feeling motivation return. Can't wait for EMDR lol. So happy it's working for you!

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Have to say I was wiped out by bedtime last night. The combination of the migraine meds and my session really drained me. That said, it was such a good session. So excited for you and the next stage of your therapy.

I must admit I miss having an occasional glass of white wine. Years ago I was on a cruise to Alaska and there was a gentleman who was wine buff on it. I wouldn't drink because of the migraines. He put me onto NZ white wine. He told there is less preservatives in their wine and I know it's the preservatives that cause the migraines. I have to say they NZ wines never gave me a headache. But unfortunately I have GORD and am prone to erosive oesophagitis and gastritis so I'm not allowed alcohol anymore.

Another snap re: the plants and trees you are growing. In my second marriage I landscaped the back garden, with the help of a friend. My ex husband....... lets just say he never lifted a spade. He would have a heart attack if we used his wheel barrow in case we scratched it. Any way it was on 1227sq metres. I have just about every type of fruit, and nut tree you can imagine from apples to custard apples, feijoa, mangoes, avocados, mandarins, oranges, Macadamia, almond, you name it I had it. I had a massive herb and vegetable garden and chickens and rabbits. So many pets. In amongst all of the above, I put in ponds and secret paths, lavender etc. It was beautiful and I never took any photos. Mind I did the garden because I needed to have some beauty around me. People have been married in my back garden. I just wish I had taken some photos.

Cheese doesn't really affect me, thank God. I love cheese, mind I don't eat it very often. I'm constantly battling my weight in recent years. Not for aesthetic reasons but for health reasons. I am trying to avoid knee replacements at all costs. I honestly couldn't face another surgery and I know how painful that surgery will be. So I try and watch my weight so as not to put to my pressure on my knees.

Yes, the bus accident. My mother didn't pursue damages, she took me to the Drs once and that was it. My neck hasn't been right since the accident. I couldn't turn it at all till I got treatment from a chiro in my 30's.

I eat a lot of greens, too much my husband reckons Lol. He's from a country where chips are the staple diet Lol.

I hope your leave is a healing and restful time for you. So excited for you starting EMDR.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Lololololol oh it cannot be another snap, surely.

My bf is from another country, he's quite eager to marry. I need more time. I don't think they are from the same country, but I'm glad yours is here and not overseas atm. Mine is in a covid riddled country with a useless or dare I say harmful leader. An added stressor this year was that my bf is an engineer and repairs some machines that make covid tests and test for covid.

I've been stressed to my eyeballs over that. He had Federal Govt permission to fly anywhere, even with the strictest lockdowns. His name was top of the list he said proudly and my heart broke. I hope we get to see each other again. I was planning a surprise milestone birthday party for him, family and friends flying from everywhere and we can't do that now. I can't even tell him that's what I'd planned.

But I'm spending my savings on my MH and spending more time with my children and grandchildren.
Carving my garden out lol. Your garden SOUNDS amazing! Whoever got married there would have lots of photos, have you sought out these people yet?

My garden is about 2/3 of your previous Eden. But it's about 30% lantana atm lol. The state of it did wonders for the valuation for Family Law 😉 since xH never lifted a finger either soo too bad too sad. Worked perfectly lol.

I'm all over the place with what needs doing next. A treelopper with mulcher. Plus my gardener to help me.
I need to nurture the fruit plants that are doing poorly but survived family law, hiding under lantana lucky things lol.

My boss said she's jealous I'm taking 2 months off... clearly she hasn't been paying attention to what I have to do lol. Learner drivers to school and home every day. Zero sleep ins but I can fit in a nap here and there in the daytime I hope! If our dog lets me. Lantana, my intimate friend lol.

Talk soon love
EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I think I’ve worked out where you partner is at the minute. If its where I think he is, I hope he stays safe. Because the leader of the country I’m thinking of....... well I’m still baffled as to how he got elected. And he certainly is a concern. The country my husband is from has high numbers of Covid as well. Their leader had some ill health of his own recently.

I can so understand your concern regarding the type of work your partner does especially when he is in a country with so much Covid. I truly hope he does safe and is back with you soon.

When all this is over hopefully you’ll get to have a belated birthday celebration with him.

The money spent on you MH is money well spent, I reckon. You can’t put a price on peace.

Trying not to give any identifying info as per community rules. The couples that married in my back yard had very small weddings. My ex took the photos and they were just of the corner where the marriage took place. If that makes sense? Hopefully it does.

Lol I’m glad the Lantana worked in your favour with the property settlement. Sounds like Mother Nature was protecting you 😁

I’m sure the fruit trees will come back once they’re given some TLC. Most of them are pretty hardy.

Your boss was probably thinking in terms of what she would do with 2 months off, rather than listening to you, lol. It’s a lot of work when you have kids still at home, especially when they’re not driving yet. The two months will fly by. I do hope that during that time you get space to nurture your soul.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

I couldn't agree with you more whole heartedly in your assessment of a certain leader overseas. SNAP.
Grrrr I get so angry when I even think of that person. The ABC showed a panel interview recently and a qualified person declared a full MH diagnosis of that person and they didn't cut it out! She didn't hold back either lol. BINGO.
My bf still lives there and I here ofcourse.

I loved a piece in another ABC show that said something like... "you are supposed to have 5 fruit and 5 veg per day, how many do you have?" and the man answered TEN. "Ok now take out the potatoes"... "zero" was the answer lol. We can coin the exact area of the globe that the potato is held in extremely high esteem lol.

Being born in Asia I'm more of a rice person 🙂 Glad I don't have the potato addiction on top lol!

Pity about pics of your last garden 😞

I'm formulating ideas of some succulent pots, like they have online, all different succulents crowded in a low pot. I was SO fortunate to have been "Johnny on the spot" when a man was hauling all these huge pots out to give away. I stopped the car and asked gingerly what he was doing? He said getting rid of the LOT! Can you please take some, ANY, please! He was elderly and could barely lift one, but he had 30! He begged me to take them all. We did in 4 car loads the very next day. So I have a few nice round low ones ideal for succulent arrangements. I went a little crazy buying an expensive pot of Copper paint and some Patina coating. I love old things. Eldest daughter found similar era pots for sale online for $200+.... what? Omg. Thechildren remind me that "we" have other painting to do first lol.... when their friends come over, sometimes we rope them in to paint and they love it lol. Not sure how their parents feel. Either way it sure beats what some young adults do, so I reckon we're fine 🙂

Have you had any lookers for the house sale?

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

We have more snaps than back load of crocodiles Lololol.

Re: the leader of the country we were talking about, I totally agree with the diagnosis of MH. He’s definitely a narcissist. I keep questioning whether he has Alzheimer’s. I just feel for the public in that country and am so glad I don’t live there. Truly hope your partner can come back to you soon.

My ancestors came from a country that relied on potatoes Lol. That should give you an idea of where my family came from. My DH was from a country that still has control of a part of the country my ancestors are from, if that makes sense. Thankfully I don’t have the potato addiction but my DH loves them.

Rice is definitely a healthier option, I reckon.

Wow! That’s amazing that you got all those pots for free. They should be stunning by the time you paint them. Succulents should look amazing in them.

I smiled when you said you put your children’s friends to work painting. What a brilliant idea. Wished I’d thought of that when my kids were younger. Lol.

We had 11 people through today but no offers. It’s soul destroying. Before the lockdown due to Covid happened, we had 8 offers and we accepted one but that was the week everything got shut down. That buyer panicked and pulled out. I just want the house sold. There is a house we’d like to buy but we won’t put an offer until we have an offer on ours. I’m worried it will sell and then we’ll be in trouble because there is nothing else on the market. Trying not to get stressed about it. Mind today in general has not been one of my better days. A lot of pennies have dropped as a result of my session on Thursday and it’s stirred a few things up. Wish I didn’t have to wait a fortnight to see my therapist again but nothing I can do about it.

Well I’ll leave it there Em.

Take care

Mara