Completely unable to talk about trauma

[QueenOfBadIdeas]

Hi, first post on these forums! 🙂

Basically, something happened in my family life when I was about 8. Technically it's still ongoing. I don't know if it would be considered trauma... I feel stupid calling it that as I myself was never hurt or in danger of being hurt. The thing is, I completely and utterly cannot talk about it. I never have been able to with anyone except for my family. Every time I try I completely shut down -- whenever the surrounding topic comes up I freeze. I have been going to therapy since after this event happened for general anxiety/ depression stuff but I feel like I wasted it all since this huge thing has never been hinted to. My mum sat in the room with every therapist I had until I was 15 and directly changed the narrative.

I know I can only get better if I investigate this, but I don't know how. I feel like I've wasted so much money on pointless therapy sessions. I don't know what to do anymore. A while back I was supposed to have an appointment with a psychiatrist but I broke down when he asked me to recount my childhood and I just couldn't speak. I apologised for wasting his time. I've promised myself and my psychologists that one day I would open up, but I can't. I even wrote it down in a word document, but I can't bring myself to send it. I've been sitting on this secret for over a decade... I just feel so completely damaged. I wonder how much of my difficulties with my mental health have actually been caused by this. I really don't know how I can recover from this, or how my life would look if I told someone (I think I'd feel guilty), or if I'm just being dramatic... I know I'm at the point right now that all I need is the right support and help, but I'm aware that means talking about it and I'm so so scared. Basically, what can I do?

[geoff]

Hello QoBIdeas, and a warm welcome to the site.

I am sorry to hear that whatever has happened has caused and still affecting your life and don't worry about crying in front of the psychiatrist, I did this with my psychologist for the first couple of appointments, it actually shows them that there is a problem that you can't cope with.

Can I suggest that as much as your mother may want to help you, it may restrict you on what you really want to talk about, with the possibility of being scared to say what needed to be said.

What I did with my psych. is write down as you have and as much as I could, although it may have seemed to be all a page of scribble, she was able to sort through it and understand what I was trying to tell her.

The trouble people have is the longer they hold back on being able to talk about a problem, it then gathers other concerns along the way, so the original issue then becomes bigger and bigger and can make the job of a psych a bit harder, it's like you walking through a crowd to get to somewhere, it takes much longer, ducking and weaving all the people, whereas if it's a lonely street then you can find someone quickly.

Have you talked about the 'mental health plan', this entitles you to 6 to 10 paid Medicare sessions per year, this will help with the cost of seeing a psych, and I can't tell you what to do, however, I want to encourage you to talk your written note with you when you have an appointment.

Please let us know how you feel.

Geoff.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there and welcome

It seems you’ve recognised that to progress you need to “say that which you can’t say”. So I guess what you need is strategies to be able to do that. Are you able to think through and be really honest with yourself about what’s holding you back? Is it what you think might happen after? The psych’s response? Your perceived inability to manage your emotional response to sharing? Maybe if you can work through what it is that holds you back, and challenging that, you may be able to move forward.

often times we are standing in our own way of progress - I can totally relate. But we just need to strategise how to get there in our way. What do you think? Katy

[topsy_]

Hello,

I can relate to what you are experiencing. When I first sought help I couldn’t talk. I didn’t even know what I wanted to talk about. I was blest to have a very patient doctor. He saw me weekly for a long time. It took a whole year of those visits before I could begin to talk.

Eventually I began to open up & talk. I’ve done lots of talking since then! It was really hard & tough to begin with. Now, many years later, I have come out the other side. I’m happy with my life now. It was worth all the hard work.

So please hang in there. You will find a way eventually. I wish well.

Cheers for now, T.